The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

Today l'in in the inîood for a rather wliimisical coluniii. For far too long 1I have beeîî writing about tife's more serious problenîs- like pollution, îîude art show at Whitby Station, riots in New York City, crime iii Toronto and body ruib places on Yonge Street. How nîuctî can anyoîîe take of this sort of stuff, particularly, the n1Iuclî bigger problemis which plague this rottetu world. 1 see tlhat Pay Hears's trial ini San Francisco is becoîîîing a real hit, as they say in tlhe showbusiness. Patty-watchers are iîîiîug up for seats and FBï experts havè started (heir own îîovie industry, starritug, of course Patty and lier urban' guerrilla gang in (lie firs( real-life robbery film called "The Big Heist". I bot Hollywood miovie moguls are already lining up for the niovie riglîts. A few million bucks should suffice-just for openers.. Yes folks, Margaret Truideau is stili on niy nîind. 1 lîear she wants to becotuie a serious phiotographier. Now, now, Margaret, luold it righit tlîere! 1 don't want any competition, especially fronu a gai who does not~ want to be a rose in Pierre's lapel. 1 tliink the profession is over- crowded aiready witli nanies like Sprenmo, Bezant -atd Be(ts running ail over tîie çountry iii searchi for (biat Jayuê Mansfield, lauighs like Frajîketîstein ancl knits like Aunt Jernimia. Tlîa( Margaret is, indeed, a tlhreat to ouir sacred. profession is clearly deîîîoîstrated in ii e U.S. newspapers. For instance, (lie New York Daiîy News is devotiîîg a fair ainount of space (o explain ho thieir readers Margare's tîew pronounceîiieuts ... imie niagazine (Caîîadian edition) is once again unrder attack from ail sides, but mîosly froîiî those big, fat MP's in Ottawa. Gentlenmen, tia's fot (ie way to treat mi 1 have to admit that 1 was bot siîocked and anîused quito recently when 1 discovered how liard it is for a good cop to earn an honest living.* In fact, while on du(y, thie cops have about as much privacy as a guppy in a glass fishi bowl. Ail this carne (o 'surface on a recent last-itîîinute (rip to Florida by car. 1 was off, with a fellow scuba diver, to invostigato the diving off a smali island in (ho Bahamas called San Salvador, the island Chris Columbus set foot on first whon lho discovered America and (ho New World. The flight to San Sal left from Fort Lauderdale so, we decided to take a leisurely drive through (o Florida and s00 some of tho country before flying off (ho mainiand. As it happened miy scuba partner had a truck equipped with a C B (citizon's band) radio and wo decided (o take lis truck. This is what led to me discovering a "new" language and how tough tho cops have it wih CB's around. Although the speed limit was a strict 55 my par(nor told me (o get it up around 70 and ho would check for "smokies" on (ho CB. I didn't argue, 1 thouglît ho was looking for a short in the radio wiring. As usuai I was wrong, it turned out a "smokie" was a Smokie the Bear or a cop - highway patrol type. T The radio crackled to life and 1 heard this "Breaker one - nine..Go ahead Break..This is the Louisianna Kid, good buddy, what's your 10 - 20?? ..m about tho 23 1-mile marker..listen good buddy how's about (aking a look over your shoulder?9... 1-75 is cloar from Toledo (o mile 248, good buddy, where you got a bear in (ho grass with a flip flop (akin' picturos and sure n'enough he's handin' out (hemi green s(amps". Needless to say 1 hit my scuba buddy with, "Wha'd ho say, wha'd hoe say???" Iu fact, now tha( I (hiuk of it 1 speut mosti of (ho driving trip asking my buddy just that. Ho explained that this was radio talk be(ween truckers and CBers justi like in (ho new hit soug, "Convoy" and (ho CBers were warning each other of the locations of the highway patrol cars. The "boar" or "smnokie" is really (ho highway patrol and whon he's in (ho grass (aking pictures he's hidden on (ho side of (ho highway wiiiu a radar miachine. A flip flop means hoe can check (ho speed of rvehicles either direction and (ho green stamps are (ho a. citations ho wiIl hand out (o (ho offenders. 1 discovored in (ho U.S. that, because of (ho noed (o conserve onergy and strictly enforce (ho speed limit, (here are many locations whero radar is used at night by a patrol car sitting on top of a cloverleaf where hoe can "flip flop". The radar car has patrol cars up (ho highway in either direction a couple of mites and the unsuspecting roils right thlrougli ttîe radar witlîout knowing what happeued until a couple of mites lator lho gets pulled over by a cruiser and suiinioned." " e'byh (;eiieratly spcakiîîg thie "siîîokies" are "spottd yte ('hkrs visuatty but ai niigtit it's difficult. One trucker had Ille answer to (liai onic«)ou.lie tîad instalted on his truck a 1îiachinie Iihalct etted Mien the t ruck wcnt ilirotigh radar, internattional niagazinie wtîichi is a daiîî good Cianadcianl- Amiericaîî product.A 1 foot onty Tinîe willtelcl wlho's riglît and wr-ong ini this loîig--stanidinig dispute .., l'inîail for die olden-gotdeîî days anîd(lia t iîîcludes the history of Whitby. But, how inuclî tîistory cati one absorb froni Bria,î Winiter? Pages and pages ini Tlc Free Press, but slîoul1d lie invade the Cable TV as well? Historically sp'eaking, otd news is comning Out of nîy ears. Save us from tliose I 9tlî century yetlow pages and finger - printed pliotograplîs. Nothiîîg persotial mmiid you Briati.. The otlier day 1 went to Bramnpton to photographi tlîat jolly, roîlin', ronîpin' Ronnie Hiawkins. Ilie was in court on a nuniber of drug chiarges, lîowever the County Judge acquitted lîiiiiî of A charges for lack of evidence. Ronîîiîe lîad pleiîty of fians on hand to cheer linî up during (lie trial. 1 thouglit it was ratdier funny to see hini sporting a colorful cowboy hiat and highi boots, chiew on big Cubaîî-type cigars atid clown about (lie cour(Iiouse in tthe presence of his defence Iawyer. But, being an entertairier, (ho bearded Hawkinis (ook his trade with Iinî, right (o the couritlîouse. Alliat was rnissing was an electric guitar and a live band. One iight say, it was a romnpin' court session.. My friend and colleague, Mike Solontion, the intrepid freelance wri(er for The Globe and Mail, lias done it again. Firs( week, lie blew aIl four tires of lus blue Duster; next week lie blew tho car's transmission. Speak of bad luck. 1 cati hardly find a botter exanîple. But, being Britishî, Mike knows aIl the perils of liard driving on Cýanadiain roads. To hinui tiiere is only one solutioni: Carry On, regardless.. Kaîins' first sigu of Spring caine thiis week ut a B3ig Boy restauratt. Guess wliat I saw ini that big and curvy let ter "B"- a birds' niest. "Hloly Siioke", 1 said to mîyself, &&wliat next?" Aiid believe it or not , 1I ad left tîy caniera at lioîîie. Looks I ike thlis protession of' iîniie is just f'or t ie birds.**- Sooner or later, l'in going to picket the post office. My beef is this: why on eartlî is a mail deîivery nian trying so hiard to tea r ULi ty tuai 1? .Ilt is so difficul t to sce that ai eigli t-by-tenl envelope, clearîly narked "D[o Not Boend"', wilt nleyer fi t a f'ive-I)y-seven nmail box?! Too ottetînîy niailI arrives iii bits iiid pieces. I don't i iîîiditîe tion (lily bills day or n îgh t. 'l'lie Irneker was dloing j ust over I lie legal h i i t whien hce wenti thro ught lhe rada r so lie d id n't have tIo worry and lie pronîptly got on Ille CB radio aind broadcast Io his fellow C1Bers Ilhe location ot'Ille invisible radar check. Txvo miles la 1er lie sa\vtIwo pal roI cars sifttfig io off tIlle si de ofth le roaid an d lie knlew h is raida r detec tor hadl heen igl i(t. ('onISeque n tly. dany C(Ber- wit lii nranlge would be war-ned and tIlie poor ()Id siinokie WvOLIlha1ve t o va i t tOr a n on-C Ber befO re lie COtI drna il a nyIv l wea ke r. Lvery inove t liose poor cops iade was beiîig aonitored and 1 (lionL1 Iobnye 11YSI' 110W enba rraSSing 'it lininst be tor- a hlighway pa trol cop to ge t caugli t Short onie n iglît anidhae Io mu ntmb tlie bLI1uS l'or ia wee. Witli iii seconds of lii tting the biishies overy CBer witin 60 Io 80 miles would kniow exacily whai Ille poor guy wvas doing. Is nlothig sacred Newhouses, Hilts Chôrtered Accountonts 187 King Si. L. J C. Newhou.v.es. C.A Oshawa Ont G. A. Hitts, B.A., C.A. 728-9448 "Love One, Love -Two ... LOVE ME." ý,ipie dollar învestment couîd be our next and. most important WITH WINTARIO - WE ALL WIN BY FREE PRESS, WEDNESDAY, FEBRUJARY 26,1I976, PAGE 5 bcing torii by tîhe postmian. bu t. pîcase. save iny pliotographis. Eveti rejects inigh t pr-ove of soine valuie in the distant future. And, a note (oiny custoiners: pîcase refrain from scndiîîg cheques and nîioney ordeýr in eigltît-)y- ton envelopes ... Il was, iridccd, miy pleasure to nîeet a youing lady by tlie naine of Marilyn Lange. She told ime that in I1975 stie was chosen as Ptayboy's Playnîate 'of the Year. Miss Lange spoke higlîly of' lier aging boss, 1-ugh I-efner, w'hose bunny Çmpîre is crumbling, thanks to magazines like Penthouse and 1lustler. Marilyn's speciality is (o pose nude. l'd say, a healthy way to niake a living ... Soi-e people say that t'm the most read col"!ninist east of Metro Toronto. The explanations for this assertion is, probably, the fact that 1 read close (o 40 newspapers whenever 1 vi-,it the CP Toronto Office. That should qul.'ify me for the "most read" columnist.. Finally, 1 note that my favorite French language newspaper "Montreal Matin" has acquired a new look, presenting the front page in three colors. This, undoubtedly, is the best looking tabloid in Canada. So, Viva La Difference! GRAND OPENING SPECIAL OSHAWA 710 W-Ilso-n Roa-d South OR WtN IT FREE t'/2 mite from Register Here The Holiday Inn; For Grand Opening off Bboor St., E) Drawing 579-4000 $149,,95 premier$ PAINT SERVICE . ONLY " Thorough Surface Sanding " Cheniically Clean Exterior " One Fult Coat of Primer a 3 Depth Coats of MAACO Enarnet " Baked in Temperature Controlled Oven " FREE COLLISION ESTIMATES EXPERT BODY WORK HOURS: MON. THRU FR1 . 8, SAT. 10-2 HIS & HER'*S HALRSTYLING!: with this couponl FREishampoo.& style with every haircut Buins Ilus Monday- Wednesday 9-6 p.m. Thursday & Friday 9*9p.m. Saturday 8S p.m. TONY'S HAIRSTTLING Blair Park Pluza 668 5441 119095