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WHITBY FREE PRESS, WEDNESDAY, AÙGUST, 7,1985, PAGE 9 Often, it's the only pkace to turn,.... Battered wo men find sanctuary By JAN DODGE Free Press Staff "Home Sweet Home" and otber mottoes tell us borne is a safe, secure place, a warm, inviing refuge wbere we can be more comfortable than anywbere else, but borne was not like that for Claire and Lynda. Tbeir names, and their husbands', bave been cbangèd to protect their identity. These two wornen, botb in tbeir early 20s, bave fled tbeir bornes witb tbree children between tbern, for tbe safety of Auberge, a shelter for abused women and their cildren. Claire is attractive, tanned and fair-haired witb tired eyes, and Lynda is pretty, dark-haired and rosy-cbeeked witb large, expressive eyes, and a submissive tilt tobher bead. Gatbered aroufld tbe picnic table on the back por- cb witb Clare's 2-year-old son darting back und for- tb, we looked like a group of neigbbours visiting on a sunny afternoon. Prior to rneeting witb Lynda and Claire, Joyce Kilin, executive director to Auberge, said tbere were two types of abuse: mental and emotional. "Most of tbe women say emnotional abusing is worse because it doesln't beal tbe way broken bones and bruises whl. Lynda and Claire are botb. victirns of ernotional abuse, but Lynda suffered pbysical abuse as well. For Claire, a pattern of physical abuse was just beginnmng wben she left ber husband. EMOTIONAL ABUSE CAN TAKE MANY FORMS Emotional abuse can take rnany forrns. Lynda and Claire, wbo bad neyer met before going to Auberge, were amazed at the sirilarity between tbeir experiences. Tbeir relationsbip witb their busbands were cbaracterized by powerlessness and dependance. Claire said, 'II wasn't trusted witb rnoney. 1 wasn't usuaily allowed to do tbe grocery shopping. When I did I would be given the exact arnount of money that it should cost. Bill (ber busband) would often return tbings I bad bougbt. III could neyer buy littie treats for rnyself, yet 1 would find ail kinds of wrappers from tbings be had bought." "If I wanted something for myself, I had to be sneaky and lie about it," Lynda said. "Wben I was working, I would get rny cheque casbed abead, and only give Jim part of it. I bated myself for it. ,I always bad to pay hirn back when I got my hair cut or bought rnakeup. " Tbese were not families that had to watch every penny either. "lWe always had $10,00 in the bank, and yet I sit here in Goodwill clothes," Claire said. (Goodwill Industries selîs second hand clothing.) Lynda's busband bas is own business and owns three different vebicles. Killin said Auberge bas sheltered women frorn upper middle and lower class homes, frorn different educational levels including sorne witb professional training and frorn different cultural and ethnie groups. Intimidation was practised on a regular basis. Lynda and Claire, eacb described the horrors of arguments in the car with ber husband driving, Whitby bridge The following are the resulta of last week's play at the Witby Curling Duplicate Bridge Club as reported by Mrs. Jirn Wharrie. Nortb and South: Bill Nelson and Frank Mac- Neill, 57½; AI Leslie and Perry Laurence, 54h; Mrs. John Frost and Mrs. P.N. Spratt, 47½h; and, Mrs. Hugb Baker and Nancy Love, 45h. East and West: Mrs. P.A. Chubb and Mrs. C.E. Stewart, 47; Donalda Winter and Louise Peltenburg, 44h; Mr. and Mrs. Art Conrad, 43; and, Mr. and Mrs. Jim Wharrie, 38. The resulta of each week's play at the club will be reported in tbe following issue of tbe Whitby Free Press. at Auberge wben he would suddenly swing the wbeel toward the guard rails or another car, and a serious accident, if not death, seemed imminent. THEY LOST THEIR SELF-CONFIDENCE There was a continuous wearing away of self con- fidence. When Lynda wanted to better herseif by returning to school, she said, "At first you get ail kinds of reasons wby you need to do it and then when you go to do it, you get shot down. You get no support at al." Claire bad sirilar experience with working. "As soon as I got secure in my job), Bill wouldn't shoW Up for babysitting (on an eveming or Saturday) and 1 would have no one to leave rny son witb so I would have to stay home. Most bosses will only take that so long. "Then Bill would say I couldn't finish anything. I was a good worker too," she said defiantly. 'I worked bard." Eacb busband was extremely possessive, jealous ofbhiswife's relationsbip with ail others. "When we got married, there was a whole new set of rules tbat 1 didn't know about before," Lynda said. "You couldn't pay any attention to others. You couldn't even phone your mother. I knew I would be leaving rny mother and father, but 1 wasn't even allowed to talk to tbem." Claire's experience was sirnilar. "When 1 found a friend, Bill would always isolate us. He would pick out sorne fault in rny friend, sorne reason wby I shouldn't see ber again. "He would talk about socializing but when people invited us, there was always some reason wby we couldn't go." Claire said that even ber doctor's visits were timed. If she went over 10 minutes, she had to ac- count for the extra time. This jealousy included treasured possessions. "Bill would throw out things I liked and he would break cups. " 'II used to keep a journal, and Jirn threw it out," Lynda said. SUFFERED PERSONAL ABUSE FROM HUSBANDS Powerless, and cut off frorn friends and family the women were also attacked on a personal level. "Bill told me 1 was a bad mother. . .You wouldn't believe all the names I've been called in front of people. When we did go to a party a t one of bis frien- ds, neyer mine, if another man talked to me I was a slut and accused of sleeping with every man in the room," Claire said. "Jim's past was sacred, but he was always asking me about mine and would bring up things like I was a tramp ... He would say, 'Is that my child?'" referring to one or the other of the couple's two little girls. "My son is identical to bis father, but 1 got asked that sarne question too" Claire said. "They believe they have the right to put you ini your place." OFTEN THROWN OUT 0F THE HOME After Claire became pregnant, she was not always allowed the surety of havîng a home. "He ('ONT'D ON PG. l18 DRAPERY CLEANERS SPECIALISTS UN DECORATOR FOLD DRY CLEAN ERS & SHI1RT LAU NDERERS *ALL GARMENTS INSU RED 920% OFF ALL DRAPERY CLEANING *OPEN MON DAY TO SATURDAY @PROFESSIONAL STEAM CARPET CLEANING WHIBY 668m2345" CQLBORNE 668al1778(1 OSHAWA I 3A-500 7RR ff M LANU vv. w 9 uR90 ~ASPHA .. PAVINI INDUSTRIAL - COMMERCIAL - RESIDENTIA Pay No Tax9? Did you know that a person with only Canadian dividend income can earn up to $40,000 and pay no tax? 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