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PAGE 10, WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1986, WH-ITBY FREE PRESS Widowed find understanding in THEOS By JAN DODGE Free Press Staff After a mate dies, the survivor goes through a long slow process of learning life's dance without a partner. Ginny's (she preferred not to bave ber last name used.) husband bad been diagnosed as having a floppy beart, but witb treatment the doctor had said he could live to be 80. "I tbougbt once he was given the proper inedication be would be okay," she said. Then she returned home one day and found him. He had been dead for an bour. Ginny and Richard had been married for 20 years. She was 42, then. That was two years ago. Today, witb the belp of theos, (Tbey Help Eacb Other Spiritually) a support group to belp the widowed adjust to life, Ginny is beginning to feel alive again. There are several stages in the grieving process, Dorotby Mac- Naugbton, chairperson for the.Witby chapter, says. "A busband's or wife's deatb leaves the survivor in sbock. Disbelief follows. Then comes panic and perbaps anger." Loneliness, often to the point of depression, follows. "I experienced it ail," Ginny said, adding she found depression the worst. With ber husband gone it was very bard to adjust to living on ber own, sometbing she had neyer done before. '11 went straight from my fatber's arms to my busband's." Ail the things that bad been so meaningful, ber friends, ber job, she said, lost their meaning for ber. She feit she was going crazy, but the people at THEOS told ber, "Tbat's normal. Tbat's grief." "ITHEOS people un- derstand. You can talk to tbem about your depression," Ginny said. Other people, she found, sbied away fromn any mention of the word. Depression was the biggest problem for ber the second year after ber busband died, s0 sbe found it particularly comforting to be able to talk to widows wbo had been tbrougb that stage and were now living happy productive lives. THEOS, organized in Pittsburgh, Pen- nsylvania in 1962 by Bea Decker, began witb the ides that participants could find hope and besling tbrougb mutual self belp. Those are stili the aims of the group wbicb bas since become international. The local THEOS group began in Novem- ber of 1982. Mac- Naugbton, berself widowed 12 years ago at age 52 witb two daugbters stili at university, bad found "1tremendous belp" from a Toronto group. Because of this she bad considered starting one in this area. Eventually witb the help of two other widows, Frieda Cbeetham and Joyce Baker, along with some clergy, sbe began a group at St. Andrew's Presbyterian Cburcb, Whitby, because it was centrally located for the region. "Fourteen showed, up at our first meeting," she said. Since then over 250 people bave attended meetings. Some may only come once or twice, MacNaugbton says. Some will return later. Others are like Ginny who bas been coming since the second montb after ber busband's death. There bave been many telephone contac- ts too, some referred from the distress cen- tre. The widowed wbo at- tend THEOS get a list of phone numbers to cal sbould - they need someone to talk to. Meetings generally have from 25 to 30 people attending. The average age is in the 40s and 50s, but some are younger and some older. Altbough tbey are predominantly women, there are usuaily four or five men at eacb meeting, MacNaugbton says., Meetings, wbicb usuaily last a couple of bours, are informai witb the most tizne devoted to smail discussion groups. Specific topics sucb as living alone, desling with friends, coping witb financial problems, or explaining desth- to cbildren are addressed by the group. "Originally we tried to bave speakers," MacNaugbton said, "but people prefer to talk to others wbo are having tbe sarne problems tbey are. "When you're widowed, you're sitting at home alone tbinking nobody bas these feelings. At THEOS you find a whole roomful of people wbo have the same feelings. " The group offers a "supportive, education- al, and non-sectarian spiritual program for the widowed," Mc- Naugbton says. Ginny, now into ber third year after ber busband's deatb, is rediscovering the rhythm of life. Sbe's seeing witb new eyes the "small tbings we take for granted."' The depression wbicb plagued ber is lifting. "It's so0 mce to go to my job and be clearbeaded." Sbe's not ready to leave ber friendà at THEOS bebind thougb. '«I still neecl tbem," she says. Perbaps, like several others, she will stay on to belp newly widowed persons make the adjustment she bas s0 recently made. THEOS meets in St. Andrew's Presbyterian Cburcb on Cochrane St. on the second Sunday of eacb month at 2 p.m. The next meeting will be Sunday, October 12. For more information cal OCTOBER 9,1986 11 21 DUNDAS ST., E. (Behind Pat & Marios) -WHITBY, JOIN INTHE GRAND OPENING CELEBRATION AN D RECEIVE YOUR FI RST ON E DAY MOVI E RENTAL ABSOLUTELY FREE ON OCT. 9y,1986 COM EON 1INAN DSEE HOW YOU CAN RENT A MOVIE FOR AS LITTLE AS 93pq, OR FREE VCR RENTALS, WITH OUR NATIONAL HOME VIDEO GOLD &SILVER CARDS SEE YOU TH ERE! From pg. 9 Whitby council gave approval to the building's site plan before it broke for summer recess last July* In addition, Mayor At- tersley said the town will beprocessing per- mita for the new scbool in Pringle Creek this month valued at $2.5 million. "We iust can't turn the tape off," said the Mayor referring to the back log of permita waiting to be processed. For the rnonth of Sep- tember the town issued 153 residential building permita at a value of $10,709,365. Permit fees collected by the town for Septem- ber totailed $63,698 bringing the 1986 total to $485,488. Emm by-law interim measure r rom pg. one the residential streets," "The interim by-law said the councillor who control suggested is added that some homes necessary otherwise the in the downtown area impact of the (secon- could be in jeopardy of dary) plan when im- being converted plemented will be of lit- because, according to tde consequence because the councillor, rooming by the time any new by- houses are a very, law is in place the profitable business. damage will be done," With Whitby Council said Emm. const.antly looking for He would flot predict ways to provide affor- bow council will vote on dable housing, coun- the by-law but he did cillor Emm's motion say it wiîî make council may seem contrary to aware of the problem. that position, but he If council approves doesn't believe so. the by-law it would be "There are apartmen- limited to one year at ta and . houses which time council can designated for boarding extend it for an ad- bouses, it shouldn't be ditional year. fine homes," he said. Followîng the two He said the town is year period, or if the by- slowly dealing with the îaw is not extendecl after downtown area through its first year, the the Downtown Wbitby previous zoning on the Secondary Plan Study, land will take effect. but by municipal Any person has the nature, the process 's right to appeal the by- slow. (The Secondary îaw to the Ontario Plan will plot the course Municipal Board. development and land The by-law would not use take in the down- include the areas town area in the future.) currently zoned com- He said bis interim mercial within the area by-law will simply south of Maple St., east ".close the floodgates" of Euclid St., nortb of on the problem before Ontario St. and west of council can properly Reynolds St. deal with the problem. Building permits