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WHITBY FREE PRESS, WEDNESDAY, MAY 11, 1988, PAGE 5 5 Pity poor Lucas Letterpress. He is sitting at this moment in front of a Fraidy-Cat Lap Top Computer writing a piece for the next edition of The Beaver Flat Tail. Beaver is a town in southwestern eastern central Ontario. The Flat Tail is the name of the local newspaper. Letterpress is both editor and prop. of The Flat Tail. He is also reporter, photographer, editorial writer, layout editor and columnist. It is in the last position that you should pity him. "Stephen Leacock once agreed that hyperbole was an essential ingredient in his humor," Lucas writes. "But that..." Lucas is encountering a writer's block. Lucas' fingers poise over the word, 'but', then drift to the delete function, hovering for several minutes. "...But what happens to the poor writer when life treads a hyperbolic curve from fantasy?" Five years ago, in the stone age, Lucas would at this point have ripped the paper from the typewriter, crumpled it into a small ball and sent it arching toward the wastebasket. He never hit the basket. Ever. Purging a screenful of characters can be done much more efficiently, silently, but somehow lacks the same effect. And what Lucas wants right now is the mental equivalent of Grandmaw's rhubarb stew. Something. that will cleah the system, so to speak. "So howsit goin,' eh?" says a voice behind him. A steely hand grips his shoulder. Lucas turns to face Razor Strop, one-time mayor and perennial politician. Razor Strop's blue eyes have been forever honed to a single point until he looks like the one-eyed Cyclops ready to do a pole vault. "So what' reya tryin' to say?" he offers. Lucas grimaces. "I'm trying to poke a little fun at the world," he replies. "Perhaps a little satire. You know how hard that is these days?" WITH OUR FEET UP by Bill Swan A tale for the terminal "I never give fun much thought," Razor Strop replies. "Few politicians do." "But humorists used to exaggerate bits of reality for the sake of humor. You know. Stretch things a bit." "I thought that's what all news was." Lucas bites his lower lip. "Yeah. Try that now. Suppose you were to predict a premier of a western province who lived in a castle and defied the Supreme Court and who hinted that welfare problems might disappear if the needy all found the Lord." "Imagine that," says Razor Strop, scribbling into his notebook. "...or imagine protestors meeting the Prime Minister and someone clouts the First Lady and the PM blames the NDP because he thinks they're Bolsheviks and after two days of investigating someone concludes that the PM's bodyguards gave the FL the elbow in the midrift." "Those NDPers'll do anything." "Or imagine a PM who talks to his long dead mother and the spirit of his dead dog or something. Would that make a good situation comedy or what?" "Hey, look, leaders need every little bit of advantage they can get. One day it's pollsters, the next media experts, then mediums. I'd go into a trance if I though..." "Or what about the ruler of the world who won't go out of his castle or move among the people unless his astrologers say the stars are right and the wind is up. Can you believe anything more laughable? Try to make fun of that." "Look, if Julius Caesar had listened to his wife, old Brutus would not have gotten the blades in. I know. I've just done a lot of research about how to deal with assassins, and I've had quite a week of my own. If it'd help me, I'd read the entrails of an owl." "Really? "I just had a week of friends trying to stab me in the back. Do you think I survived that on good looks or dumb luck?" Lucas flicks the delete key on his terminal and reaches for his notebook. "Tell me more," he says. "Well, there was the time... Two hours later, his visitor finally gone, Lucas turns to his keyboard. He writes: "Former mayor Razor Strop admitted today to the use of witchcraft and satanism in his quest to be re-elected mayor. In a wide-ranging two-hour exclusive interview, Razor Strop told The Flat Tail that four hundred and fifty owls already are penned and awaiting next fall's election. "The owls will be disemboweled as part of his. election planning strategy. In addition, a palmist, a numerologist and two numismatics will form a committee to assist..." - You can read the whole column in The Flat Tail. Not an exaggeration in the whole lot. Concerns send hospital land use study back to committee Whitby council has sent the final recommendation of a study on land use of the Whitby Psychiatric lands back to admin- istrative committee after three people expressed concerns about its effect on open lands Monday night. "Our concern is that the open- ing of the hospital lands for development will signal the end of the hospital lands," Joan Gates, president of OPSEU local 331 told council. Gates had also previously stated her concerns at a public meeting about the study.' Gates said neither patients nor employees at the hospital were consulted about the joint Town and provincial study. "After consultation with the executive of OPSEU local 331, I wish to state that we feel the ministry has proceeded in a backwards manner with regards to this proposal. We 'feel these plans for the hospital lands should be stopped now," said Gates. The area under study from Hwy. 401 to the lake and between Lynde Creek and Annes/Gordon. comprises about 700 acres. About 500 of those are owned by the Province. Land has been set aside in the study for development of the new psychiatric hospital. But Gates said that by opening up the hospital lands for development, pressure will be put on the Province which will lead to the "whittling away" of land set aside for the hospital. "Will we end up with a high- rise hospital?" asked Gates. Dr. Margaret Bain was more critical of development on open lands. She said that development so near the floodplain will not allow underground parking, leading to large areas of paved parking. "If we continue to crowd people together and pave over our open space, Whitby will become a town in name only," said Bain who was also concerned about the lack of a buffer zone between the Lynde Creek marsh and proposed devel- opment. "At present the buffer zone along the marsh is not a buffer at all...This will not protect the environmentally sensitive area, nor will it provide parkland suitable for recreation," said Bain. She asked that the buffer zone be at least 50 metres and be forested. The study calls for a mix of housing uses with a maximum population of 6,700 persons. Compressor stolen from site An air compressor and trailer valued at $12,000 were stolen from a construction site on Crown Ct. in Whitby during the week- end. Police say the compressor was about the size of a pick-up truck and had been rented by Bevan- dale Construction. TOWN OF WHITBY SPRING CLEAN-UP WEEK MAY 24 MAY 27, 1988 IMPORTANT NOTICE 1. LOOSE TREE LIMBS AND UNBUNDLED BRUSH WILL NOT BE PICKEQ UP. 2. Brush, hedging, tree branches, and other similar type material will be picked up during Clean-Up Week providing that it is not any longer than 2-V2 feet in length and securely bund!ed. Loose and larger material WILL NOT BE PICKED UP. 3. Household furniture, appliances, clothing, rubbish resulting from the cleaning up of the grounds or from MINOR household repairs, domestic waste materials such as paper, rags, cartons, packing cases and bottles will be picked up. 4. Collection will be limited to a combined total of NOT MORE THAN 12 RECEPTACLES OR BUNDLES per dwelling unit. 5. Each bundle or receptacle to have a gross weight of NOT MORE THAN 50 POUNDS. 6. The special collections apply only to dwelling units and do NOT INCLUDE COMMERCIAL AND INDUSTRIAL PREMISES. * Your co-operation is requested in having all garbage out EARLY on your regular collection day. R.A. KUWAHARA, P. Eng., Director of Public Works 'l