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WhItby Fr00 Prosa, Wocfremby, Juiy 31, 199,Page 7, I I COURT CLERKX Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. District court for the Jurisdiction of Fiction ie now in session, Judge George E. Porgie presidinig. AIl rise. Enter Judge PbrKgie, puddin' n pie i hand ready for his mid-morning snack CLERK- First case, the Crown versus Lucy Maud .Montgomery, late of Prince Edward Island. Lucy Maud, you are charged that you did knowingly abuse and allow others to abuse a ýchild by the name of Anne of Green Gables. How do you plead? LUCY MAUD: Child abuse? Me? I nover heard of such ridcuous . .. JLJDGE PORGIE: Please control yourself, Ms Montgomery. How do you plead? LUCY MAUD: Not Guilty! CR0 WN AT'ORY: Your honour, the prosecution, which is me, the Crown, rm the son of- the- Queen of Hearts, iwiiii prove thatAnne ofGreen Gables suffered fm attention deficit disorder, ýwth hyperactivity... LUCY MAUD: This is outrageons1 CROWN: ... and that Lucy Maud she created this condition and fafled te provide troatment.,Wo oeil Matthew Cuthbert to the stand. Now thoen, Mr. Cuthbert, do you know the accused? MATTHEW: No, can't say'e I du. I did know Anne, though, oh, yes. That Anne was quite a gil. CROWN: Could you describe her? MATTHIEW: Red hair, freckles, -a emile that wouldn't quit. And could that girl talk! CROWN: A compulsive talker? MATTHEW: Talk the hind leg offn a Holstein* heifer, that one. CROWN: Would you oel her impulsive? MATTHEW: Anybody who7d dye hb'er hair green might be called that. Thon theroes the time she broke her siate over Gilbert Blythe's head. CROWN: She had trouble playing with other children? MATTHEW: She got Diane Barry drunk on wine, and Mrn. Barry wouldn't lot them play together for monthe. <Chuckles.) SCROWN: Your honour, this child had poor impulse control, was overactive, dommnated social'situations and was easily distracted. These are the classic signe of attention deficit disorder (ADD).' Further, the Crown contends, that Lucy Maud Montgomery created these conditions simply for literar'y efffect. This amounts te child abuse. LUCY M&UD: Ridiculous! Anne je a swéet child, neglected because of being orphaned early i life. Green Gables gave ber a.stable, loving home for the first time. lhe signs you listed make her a character with spunk If's Anne's spunk that keeps her alive sI, 90 years later. JUDGE: Did you make any attempts to maire her more normal? LUCY MAUD: Normal? Normal* is boring, like most Canadians. Anne has spunk. Laike Tom Sawyer. -CROWN: Your honour, I point out the next case on the docket charges the Ainerican *author. Mark Twain with child abuse.' Clearly, Tom Sawyer had ADD as well. It'a rampant in literature. JUDGE: What penalty does the Crown seek? CR0 WN: Your honour, the Crown ashe that the authors be chastised, and that the characters they created be, retroactively put' on modern drugs usod te treat this problem. It worked for me. I used, te be the Knave of Hearts, who stole the tarts, but now rm on medication I'm normal. LUCY MAUD: Your honour, lot me point out that the nursery rhyme: Georgie Porgie Puddin' n Pie Kissed the girls and- made them cry When the boys camneout te play Iàttle Georgie ... Analyzing Anne Rý . ..... ... CENTRE STREET LOOKING NORTH FROM DUNLOP STREET, C. 1906 The steeple of All Saints' Anglican Churvh cSn beeeen lu the nilddle of this picture. Behlnd the trees at right is the -Methodist Tabernacle (now St. Marks United Church). Centre Street la only a dirt road wfth grass growixig in it at this Urne. WhItby Arcemv poto 10 YEARS AGO from the WednesdayJulY 30,1986 edition of the WB1TBY FREE PRESS " A fire in a closet at the Lynde Houa. museum causai considerable 9mk aae " ýFallingbrook subivision resdenis axeupet abut the strctra ondiiondfame.oth new homes. ao tutrlcniino oeo hi *John Gregg of Mount Zion Masomic Lodge, Brooklin, has been elected District Deputy Grand Master *Cina Schmildt-Hansen, 13, of Whltby, won fret place ln the Canadian National Roller Skating Championships at Peterborough. 35 YEARS AGO from the Thursday, July 27,'1961 edition of the WHTBY WEEKLY NEWS *Charles Rycroft of Whitby le the new District Deputy Grand Master of the Masonic L.odge. * A District Sales Tax office wlll open in Whitby in September. *Colonel Steve Wotton of the Emergency Measures Organization told the Whitby Rotary Club there will be only 20 minutes' wsrnlng of an atomic attack. *Dr. John K LMéKnney is chairnian of a cornmittee to provide Brookliu with a municipal water system. 10YEARS AGO from the Friday,J.uly 31, 1896 edition 'of the WITBMY CBRONICLE *Whitby should have a bicycle cl ub, says The Chronicle, because there are more than 50 riders in town. * Edward J. Johnson le offeing a reward of $25 for the capture of whoever scrtched -the glass of hie -store window. * There are about a dozen camps at Whitby Harbour, mostly inhabited by Toronto residents. * Leutenant-Colonel Dartnell and Major J.E. Farewell attended a reunion of the veterana of the Fenian Raids of 1866 at Niagara. mal Cep-tro Street, rockinu North, whaby. O-it-