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10 - Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, Match 18, 1998 BASC ARTHUR BLACK lTHE GIFI THAT KEEPS ON GIVING One reason people get divorced is they run out of gifi ideas. Robert Orben *Gifis are like hooks. read "To Roy from Larry", Martial It was the trousers, paînistakingl,,y folded into a Idon'( know about you, but seven-inch Cube and wNrapped 1 find 'gift-giïvinig' one of the with baling wire. toughes t nuts to crack in what The feud was on. The next passes for civilized life these Christmas, Collette hiad the days. pants delivered to Kunikel's What do you buy for Aunt door by UPS. They wvere in a Ida? Howv do you satisfy the 2-foot-square wooden crate camnai cravings of Uncle Sid? filled with rocks, nailed shut Is cousin Orville even going to with spikes and banded with unwrap your g ifts this strips of steel wire. Christmas, after whiat hap- The next year Kunkel had penied last year? the trousers mnounited inside an Her'nHers Sealskin B3ody insulated thermopane window Stockings seemed like a great that came with a 20-year guar- treat to leave under the tree. antee against accidentai break- How were you supposed to age. Calmily, Collette took a know he'd been elected presi- hammer to the wïindow, dent of the Saskatoon branch extracted the pants, stuffed of Greenpeace? themn in a 5-inch coffee can and Givïng gifts can often be soldered it shut. The coffee like juggling eggs. For most of can was then put in a 5-gallon us, that is. Roy Collette and container filled withi concrete Larry Kunkel don't have that and reinforced rods--and dcliv- problem. They've been ered to Kuinkel the following exchianging Christmas presents Christmnas. for 11 years. For Christmas of 1995, Actually that should read: Kunkel inserted the pants in a exchanging Christmras 'pre- 225-pouiid stainless steel ash- sent'. Roy and Larry swap the tray made fromn 8-inch steel saine gift each year. It's a pair cas ings. He hiad "Merry, of rnoleskin trousers. Christmnas, Roy" brazed in As you miight expect, thcre's bronze on the top. a story behind it. Kunkel got thec pants back The story began 'way back for Christmas of 1996 of at Christmias, 1987. That's course. Eventually. Collette when Larry Kunkel first found a 600-pouInd seco-nd- unloaded flic trousers. They'd hiand safe in which hie placed been a gift fromi lis mnother, .the trousers. He then had the back in lis college days. Lariy safe door welded shut and had neyer liked the moleskin delivered to Kunkel's place of trousers. They froze stiff as a business, board in cold weather and Last Decembher, Kunkel got needed too much ironing. his revenge. The pants showed So Larry did the sensible up in Collette's driveway in thingy. -Hewrapped the trousers time for Christmias Eve. They Up in Christmias paper and were in the glove comipartmtent gave themn to is brother-mn- of a 1984 Dodge Dart, law, Roy. Or. ..what used to be a Problemn was, Roy didn't Dodge Dart. Kunkel had much like themn either. He smashed the car into a 2,000 wore themr a couple of times, pound cube measuiring three pronounced themi 'mniserable' feet by thite feet by thiree feet. and gave them back to Kunkel Mind yon, Kunkel hiad the at Christmnas the next year. junkyard dealer aftachi a testi- Larry Kunkel didn't like the monial certifying that the trousers any better the second moleskin trousers were indeed tune they appeared in lis life, in the glove compartment. 50 hie dug out some Christmas Is Collette whipped? Not paper, wrapped themi up and on, your life. "This ,vill take waited for Christmnas to roll somne planning" he says. "1 around. will definitely get themn Out. Thv, Ping-Pong giÎft l'mn confident." *exchange continued for several 1 believe hîm. 1 also believe years uintil Roy decided it was that Roy Collette will corne up time to mnake the ritual more with an even more ingenious interesting. He took thic mole- 'delivery systemn' for- the miole- skin trousers, twisted themi into skin trousers by next a corkscrew, stuffed themi into Chistmnas. And that Larryýý a 3-foot-long, extremely skin- Kunkel will corne up wlih ny cardboard tube and mnailed somrething even better thec year the Christmas presenit to after that. Kunkel. 1 miean, youI can just tell Ilirce hundred and sixty these two are thec kind of guys five days alter that, Roy looked that put their pants on one leg under his tree to sec a tiny, at a timie. square package with a card that PARLIAMEN' HILL NOTEBOOK by Art Babych Circling the wagons... Thc "Stunts 'R Us" Reformn Party entertained tourists on Parliament Hill this week as Uic Great Flag War cscalatcd. A haîf-dozen MPs from the party's "laugli pack" climbed aboâird a custoi-made velu- cie painted with Maple leaves and drove around Uic drive- way of Uic Centre Block wav- ing Uic Canadian flag to make their point -- whatevcr it was. At Uic whcel was party funi- raiser Logan Day, an aide wliose 15 minutes of fame arc almost up. Two-fisted B.C. MP Darrel "Dujke" Stinson rode shotgun ti case of a sur- prise attack by separatist MPs. Pressing the point... Some members of the Parliamentary Press Gallery arc harboring Uic ridiculous notion that Prime Minister Jean Chretien should be available to the Hill media once ti a while. 'Try to think back to the last time Mr. Chretten held a press confer- ence in the National Press Theatre," says gallery presi- dent Jules Richer. "Tougli isn't it?" tI fact, it was only last June, two days after Chiretien and bis party were re-clectcd. Ncverthcless, Rider and his board rallied their forces to boycott a "1photo op" of Chretien glad- handing with.U.S. Sccretary of State Madeleine Albright. All of Uic major and min ot TV nctworks wcnt along with the boycott but five print photog- rapliers broke ranks and took photos at Uic non-event. So miucli for "Solidanity Forever." A spokesman for Chretien's office said Uic media boycott wouildn't change'a Uiing, but Uic gallery executive promis- es to tumn up Uic heat. Stay tunied. Comparing appies and mnangos... 1The Reform party, known for it staunch defence of hupian riglits (wink, wink), rallied on behalf of oppresscd Cubans ti the House this week. Before storming out ti an obviously successful grab for lieadlincs. leader Preston Manning called remarks made by Speaker Gib Parent ,"outrageous.", Parent had com parcd Cuba's so-called "democracy" with Uiat of New Brunswickers who flocked to Uie polis in 1987 to give for- mer premier Frank McKenna's Liberals a land- slide victory. An indignant Manning huffed and puffed, "Mr. Speaker, Cuba lias no, frecdom of Uic press, no real. political freedoms and dastro throws b-is political opponents ti jail", (picky. picky). The Reformist leader worricd that Parent's loose-hipped com- ments pooh-poohing criticism of Cuba's human riglits record is goverrment policy. Parent made lits position clear by refusing to recognize the democratically-elected Opposition leader ti the House. Deprived of freedomn of speech -- as, are Cubans -- Reformers headed for the exits. The question now is whether the party is really concerned about human rights in Cuba or it's just another cheap publicity stunt Hmmm!i Let's think about it for a while. Walk a mile in my shoes... Like former Prime Miniister Pierre Trudeau, Quebec Premier Lucien Bouchard went for a wa]k ti the snow. Unfortuhately, Bouchard didn't offer his résignation afterward as did Mr. Fuddle- Duddle. The separatist leader was humiliated -- once again -- afler. an Innu demonstra- tion at Churchill Falls, Labrador, lefi im trapped in a vehicle several mile from the airport. Cane ti haî-d, Bouchard was forced to get out and start walking. But that humiliating experience paled compared with being - e serp trappcd ti the same vehicle with "Mr. Canada," Ncwfoundland Premier Bian Tobin. Our sincerest symrpa- thies to both. Bagel-leas breakfast anyone?... According to Uhe Globe and, Mail, B.C. Senator Pat Carney has sent a letter of warning to ail MPs and senators. It lsn't about global warming, the possibility of a nuclear holo- caust or the threat of war with Iraq. It's about breakfast. The dieting Camney is upset that an Ottawa hotel has, stopped serving cereal and bagels with its complimenta- ry breakfast. Her letter alerts colîcagues that if they want cercal and bagels with break- fast at the hotel they'll, just have pay for them. And you thouglit senators performcd no useftil tasks. Clarification nceded... The hcadline on a goverri- ment handout informs Hill j oumnalists "Prime Minister to mark l5Oth annlversary of responsible government ti Canada." There was no indi- cati on exactly where tin Canada that govemnment is located. ALttte exeri"se can go a long way!é e;aino h BY-LAW NO. 93-144 Formai Notice to Clean Snow and Ice from Sidewalks' Occupants and property owners are requïred te, re move snow and ice from the public sidewalks in front of, and beside their properties WITHIN 12 HOURS after a fali of snow, freezing rain, or hall and to KEEP THEM CLEAR. These requirements apply whether or flot a house or any other building is erected on the property. If you fail to clear and keep clear the entire surface of sidewalks abutting your property, the Municïpality will remove the snow and ice and charge the cost of suc removal to the property owner.'s realty taxes.. Clearing snow and ice makes the Municipality's-side- walks safer for ALL pedlestrians. Your co-operation in keeping sidewalks clear of snow and ice AT ALL TIMES will be appreciated. (,MUNICIPALITY 0F Date of Publicatiom March 18, 1998 Municipality of Clarington 40 Temperance St. Bowmanville LiC 3A6 Telephone: (905) 623-3379 P.O. #6093