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8 - Orono Weekly Times Wednesday, April 21, 2010 Basic Black by Arthur Black S'up with English? lol! Perhaps of all the creations of man, language is the most astonishing. Lytton Strachey What do suppose man's first word was? Not much more than a grunt, I reckon - postprandial or post-coital most likely, acknowledging a full belly or satisfying sex. What a wonder that we could evolve from such a scattering of glottal oinks and ughs to a world that, according to Ethnologue, currently features 6,912 tongues spoken by somebody somewhere on the earth's surface. Eighty-six of those languages are spoken here in Canada. They range from Afrikaans of South African immigrants to Xaaydaa Kil of our longest-standing citizens on Haida Gwai. And of course, there's English. About 375 million Earthlings speak that as their first language but its true power is revealed in those who claim it as linguistic back-up. Non-native English speakers outnumber the rest of us by about three to one. Which country do you think has the most people who speak or understand English? Great Britain? The U.S.? Nope - it's India. Not surprising when you realize that English is the tongue of choice in international diplomacy, medicine, communications, science, aviation and show biz. And if you're a native English speaker as I am, let us go down on our knees together and thank providence for our lucky birthright, because learning to speak English as a second language must be a certifiable nightmare. Are you kidding? A language in which you fill in a form by filling it out? Your house burns up as it burns down? Wristwatches run but time flies? You tell people you couldn't care less by saying "I could care less"? We've got ourselves a language which says it's perfectly permissible to drive on a parkway but park in a driveway. Our alarm clocks go off by going on; when the stars come out we can see them; but when the lights go out we can't see anything. English is also the queen of oxymorons. It permits us to watch 'awfully good', 'halfnaked' 'light-heavyweights' pummel each other in rings which are square. You are allowed, in English, to put your best foot forward while keeping your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your eye on the ball and your tongue in cheek behind your stiff upper lip. Not to mention knuckling down with your nose in the air, your chin up and your feet on the ground while head over heels. Unless, of course, you don't have the stomach for it. The adjectival form of 'quiz' is quizzical. So the adjectival form of 'test' would be...? And what's with the word 'hemorrhoid'? Surely that should be 'asteroid'. English is a language designed to torment and befuddle. Imagine trying to teach a nonEnglish speaker how to pronounce 'ough'. It's an 'oo' sound, of course - as in 'through'. Or is it an 'uff' sound -- as in 'tough'? Or an 'ow' sound - as in 'plough'? That's only the beginning. Here's a phrase we can all be proud of: 'Boughs brought nought through - thought enough? And don't forget the 'up' sound of 'hiccough'. It may be slight consolation that at least one expert thinks traditional spelling - indeed, pretty well all spelling - is on the way out, thanks to the Internet. David Crystal, a linguistics professor at the University of Wales, points out that for the first time in many hundreds of years, much of the printed word is being distributed without benefit of editors or proofreaders. Bloggers blog, texters text and, dare I say, twits tweet - all without any Higher Power correcting or rewriting their efforts. Short forms abound. 'By the way' becomes BTW; 'IMHO' stands in for 'in my humble opinion'. Professor Crystal claims to be unfazed by this development. "The vast majority of spelling rules in English are irrelevant," says the Prof breezily. All I can say is: WTF? This is all 2 depressing 4 me. 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