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8 - Orono Weekly Times Wednesday, May 26 2010 Basic Black by Arthur Black Hazards of the workplace Somewhere in the ocean of radio waves that bathe our planet there is an inspired and iconic bit of music-hall nonsense called "'The Bricklayer's Report." It is a humorous monologue first voiced by a British entertainer named Gerald Hoffnung back in 1958. It's been floating in the ether and delighting English speakers ever since. The piece purports to be a verbatim request for workman's compensation from a British bricklayer injured on the job. His feckless account of attempting to lower a barrel of bricks from the roof of a six-storey building, being yanked skyward by the tooheavy barrel, then plunged earthwards by the suddenly lighter barrel, then smashed senseless by the descending...oh, it's no use. My words can't do it justice. Google "Gerald Hoffnung" and listen to the irresistible original. The Brits are awfully good at depicting hapless citizens grimly clinging to those last tattered shreds of dignity. Think of Peter Sellers' Inspector Clouseau. Think of the Monty Python gang. Think of clueless but ever stiffupper-lipped Basil, proprietor of Fawlty Towers. Turns out that British thespians don't have to go all that far to find raw material for such depictions. Consider the on-the-job adventures of Peter Aspinall, a handyman who lives in Bolton, England and works -- or used to work -- for a luxury hotel called Egerton House. Mister Aspinall was asked to remove a large branch from a tree on the hotel grounds. Enthusiastically, he propped his ladder up against the branch, scampered up the rungs and commenced to saw. Mister Aspinall's mastery of arboreal modification was less than perfect. His understanding of the law of gravity was no hell either. Mister Aspinall chose to make his cut between the ladder and the tree proper. Mister Aspinall and the severed branch hit the ground approximately simultaneously. Our not so handy handyman salvaged no comedic monologue from his mishap. Instead he limped off to a solicitor who obligingly filed a suit on his behalf against Egerton House. There's no word yet on the outcome of Aspinall's suit, but it doesn't look good for the hotel. The establishment has already been fined more than $3,000 after government health and safety inspectors pronounced it guilty of not carrying out a risk assessment on the limb-cutting assignment before turning Aspinall and his saw loose on the tree. Hotel management, said the investigators, should have informed Aspinall that it could be potentially dangerous to set one's ladder against a branch one proposes to cut down. The hotel also, opined the investigators, ought to have counselled their employee to engage and train an apprentice to hold and properly place the ladder. The British minions of justice may provide a safe haven for the thick of head and the un-fleet of foot but they are no friend to fiendish criminals. Rodney Knowles learned that the hard way. There he was, driving home from a pub in Devon, England when the flashing blue lights of a police cruiser suddenly bloomed in his rear view mirror. The officers accused him of drunk driving, but a roadside breathalyser showed he was sober. Still, the police sensed something...sinister. On a hunch, they opened the car's glove compartment and -AHA! There it was, nestled in a leather pouch, ready to wreak mayhem and horror on an unsuspecting populace. Mister Knowles was arrested and charged with possession of an offensive weapon. To wit: one Swiss Army knife. A Swiss Army knife -- the nerdiest of personal lifestyle accessories this side of a vinyl pocket protector. Millions of Swiss Army knives are sold annually in countries around the world. They are purchased by campers, hikers, cub scouts, do-it-yourselfers and assorted gizmo and gadget freaks. I know this. I carry one myself. I also know that no airplane has ever been hijacked, no bank has ever been robbed, no hostage standoffs have ever been instigated or civilian massacres perpetrated by desperadoes wielding Swiss Army knives. In any case, mister Knowles hardly fits the standard desperado profile. The man has never been in trouble with the law in his life; he's 61-years old and walks with the aid of a cane. He explained in court that his primary use for his Swiss Army knife was slicing apples on picnics. That defence cut no ice with the magistrates who found him guilty, fined him the equivalent of $100, gave him a "conditional discharge" and confiscated the "weapon" (which can be purchased at virtually any hardware or outfitters' store by any customer regardless of age or gender). "It's a stupid law," said Mister Knowles. "Now I have a criminal record." Indeed it is, Mister Knowles. Have you thought of contacting Gerald Hoffnung? Perhaps he could work it up into a comic monologue. reliable · responsible · recyclable YOUR OFFICE SUPPLY STORE INKJETS · LASER · RIBBON CARTRIDGES COPY & PRINT CENTER 410 TORONTO ST., NEWCASTLE · 905-987-4781