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2 The Canadian Statesman, Bowmanville, July 29,1987 Section Two On Self-Esteem by Lloyd Scott A North American Indian friend of mine clearly likes who he is. He "enjoys himself" but never speaks of himself in flattering, vain ways. Once in an interview, he was asked if he liked himself and he answered, "Oh yes. I like and respect myself very much." Many of us don't think that way about ourselves. Unfortunately, liking one's self means vanity and conceit to many people. I don't think so. I think it's a sign of good inner health to have a high opinion of one's self. I'm not suggesting that if Mr. Smith has a high opinion of himself, others will or should necessarily agree. What I mean is that the state of Mr. Smith's emotional health is reflected to a considerable degree by whether or not he holds himself in high or low regard. If he's a rat in the eyes of others but nevertheless has a favorable opinion of himself, his social life may be the pits but he does possess a measure of integrity, of wholeness and of self-confidence. On the other hand, if Mr. Smith is well-liked by his friends but still thinks poorly of himself, feels inadequate and lacks confidence, then he's a divided man and alienated from himself. He will probably have to struggle hard to feel good about himself. If Mr. Smith doesn't raise his opinion of himself in one way or another, his friends may eventually have to give up on him. They may say, "He's a nice guy but he's always down on himself. Being with him gets me down after a while. He really suffers from low self-esteem." Self-esteem: respect, regard, honor for one's self; inner belief in one's self. It's impossible to know all the ingredients that comprise self-esteem but thé following truisms suggest where it has its beginnings. Respect from others is a very important factor in developing self-respect. To the extent that parents respect and believe in their child, that child will grow up respecting and believing in himself or herself. To the extent that parents believe in the competence, honesty and sincerity of their child, that child will grow up competent, honest and sincere. When parents strongly demonstrate their confidence in their child, he or she will develop strong self-confidence. When children feel loved, their selfesteem selfesteem grows. I sometimes hear social commentators complain that, generally speaking, we parents don't love our children. As evidence of this, they point to the low selfesteem selfesteem common among children and adolescents. Certainly, low self-esteem is common among the young (as it is among people of every age) but I don't think it follows that parents don't love their children. Lots of us parents just haven't learned to express and show that love very well. For example, uncompromisingly strict parental discipline, untempered by warm affection, generally discourages children from learning to be warm and affectionate themselves. A home where the letter, rather than the spirit, of the law is strictly enforced is likely to be an emotionally repressive home. A family in which the parents' word is always law and is final, and in which there's little or no negotiating the differences that inevitably arise among its members, is a family in which children's opinions and feelings aren't well respected. Children of such families generally have to acquire self-confidence outside the home, in sports, in school or in the work place. Children living in a home where they're under suspicion (for lying or stealing, for example) grow up suspicious of others and with little trust in themselves. Likewise, parents who show little or no confidence in their children's competence to do a job well, are lessening the chances of their children ever doing a job well. For those children, self- confidence goes down accordingly. Few neat, either-or, black- and-white critiques can be made about parenting styles. They're always a complex blend of many ingredients. One thing's clear' though. Parents tend to repeat whatever parenting style they absorbed when they themselves were children. And many of us can attest to the fact that it's hard to learn a new style. If when we were children, our parents were disrespectful of our feelings and opinions, and couldn't show us their love and affection or lacked confidence in our abilities, then- we'll likely have a hard time going beyond those limitations in parenting our own children. But thousands of parents who grew up in such homes, and in far worse ones for that matter, are today working hard to improve on their own parents' examples for the sake of their children. The challenge is nothing less than breaking the generational cycle of "low self-esteem". Lloyd Scott is a Marriage and Family Counsellor in private practice in the Orono Medical Centre and in Oshawa. BUSINESS DIRECTORY ACCOUNTANCY WILLIAM C. HALL B. Comm. Chartered Accountant 35 King St. W., Newcastle Phone 987-4240 JOHN MANUEL, C.G.A. 118 King St. East, Bowmanville Phone 623-6555 WINTERS, SUTHERLAND & MOASE Peter A. Hobb, C.A. Chartered Accountants 23 Silver St. Bowmanville 623-9461 DOUGLAS R. FREEMAN, B.A., C.A. Chartered Accountant 1913 Dundas St. E., Whitby, Ontario Phone 576-4619 CHIROPRACTIC G. EDWIN MANN, D.C. Chiropractor 39 Pamela Court By Appointment -- 623-5509 Member of Canadian and Ontario Chiropractic Associations LEONARD JAY, B.Sc.,D.C. 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By Appointment Only R.R. 4 Bowmanville Ontario L1C 3K5 Phone 623-9198 "KEEP YOUR FOOD COSTS DOWN -- SHOP BY THE BOX" ($1.50 PLASTIC BOX DEPOSIT) "The Food Terminal" *08, JOIN IN OUR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION THIS WEEK AT OUR PICKERING LOCATION ^.PRODUCT OF ONTARIO SELECT YOUR OWN CANADA NO 1 GRADE PRE COOLED SWEET lu BOX OR BAG OF 5 DOZ. 1 BOX OR BAG LIMIT 4.95 Sill te 11* mm* "doz MAPLE LODGE FARMS npigangi SPK LMt 450 g VAC PAC HEINZ 33% BONUS KETCHUP « nn U BOTTLE \M 2 LIMIT 750 mL BOTTLE • CLASSIC • REGULAR • DIET m SL OR REG & DIET SPRITE MIX OR MATCH CASES ONLY ^12 BOTTLE LIMIT iff Basâ PRODUCT OF NEW ZEALAND • SQUARE CUT FROZEN 3-4 LB. AVERAGE 2 LIMIT CELLO WRAP SCHNEIDER'S PROCESS CHEESE FOOD HTTSF K1JCVK Eâ&a Itii •- b3JU & w &a bJ 24's SINGLE THINS 500 g PKG. * assar Jr Sd UlnllTti) LY n wmwiws f) noasscHriKFOooifiifwnoNDt • rA , L L - -- .■= nowa wnpu gggsB&JJ j V3B1I ($ 2A SngT E TMIfsrsT) REGULAR t MOZZARELLA SWISS e LIFESTYLE 4 LIMIT PRODUCT OF U.S.A. CALIFORNIA RED FLAME PRODUCT OF CANADA FRESH OR PREVIOUSLY FROZEN SICKE!" '~ y '" ■6XCKS ATTACHED DEMPSTER SUNSHINE BRAND E 1 SLICED LARGE 675 g LOAF I CANADA GRADE "A' I ROASTING CHICKENS 2-4 LB. AVG. if kg «a*' WLB. PRODUCT OF ONTARIO W LARGE ORIGINAL BUNCHES . :§l FROM ONTARIO PACKERS CUT FROM CANADA GRADE "A" BEEF • WHITE e 60% WHOLE WHEAT • 20% CRACKED. WHEAT • HOT DOG ROLLS (8 PACK) • HAMBURGER BUNS (S PACK) • ENGLISH MUFFINS (6 PACK) MIX OR MATCH 9 LOAF OR PKG. LIMIT AULT DAIRIES "MEADOWGOLD" HUGE 4 LITRE PAIL e ASS'T FLAVOURS lü OWN SIZE 18'S ta \ A Z : ™ PRODUCT OF ONTARIO SgFCANADA #1 GRADE • "NEW" WASHED FIRST OF THE SEASON LB HUMPTY DUMPTY I 2 LIMIT I 10 LB. BAG NO LIMIT in ALL VARIETIES 200 G BAG WITH THIS COUPON ■ ii WITH THIS COUPON Æ A COUPON VALID UNTIL SAT. AUG. 1/87. LIMIT ONE BAG ONE COUPON PER FAMILY : IN STORE RETAIL 1.59. v ! LARGE 10 LB. 4.54 kg BAG ■ ■ mm Wd.i COUPON VALID UNTIL CLOSING SAT. 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