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l t 18 The Can;i(Ii:in Statesman. I\mvmanville. October 14. 1987 Coping With Your Past by Lloyd Scott ast. Part of that process is to be painful for most SMOOTH OR CRUNCHY ©Fee The future is related to the past and hence bears a strong family resemblance, says humorist Ashley Brilliant. Brilliant. It's hard, though, for most of us to accept that our past has anything to do with our present, never mind our future. future. "But that was a long time ago and doesn't matter anymore." "I was only a kid then, so it has nothing to do with me now." "I've forgotten forgotten all that stuff from the past." "What difference does it make what happened to me when I was a kid? I'm an adult now." "I don't want to think about the past. It just upsets and depresses me." We keep attempting this trick of trying to dismiss our past. But it doesn't go away. Another way to deal with our past is to blame it for our present problems. While the past explains much of our presentfalthough it doesn't necessarily predict our future), future), blaming it keeps us stuck there. Our apprehensions about the past effectively blocks us off from a generally reliable and available source of information information and insight into ourselves. The families we grew up in and the lives we lived in those families hold, answers to our most trou-' bling questions about ourselves, ourselves, our marriages, our own children. Planning our futures and the changes we want in our lives is more effectively achieved if we consult our past. I oound of us, but worth it. Examples are everywhere of how our past may adversely adversely affect us, in sometimes sometimes peculiar ways. The youngest of the family may continue into adult life (as youngest often do) to expect expect his or her spouse to make decisions, take the initiative initiative and the responsibility. This may be especially troublesome troublesome if the spouse is also the youngest in his or her family. The eldest in a family may have become accustomed to being in charge and taking control. If his or her spouse is also the eldest, power struggles struggles may develop. A women, whose mother is/was a sunshine Sally and a submissive wife, may find that the example she unconsciously unconsciously picked up now contributes contributes to her uncomfortable uncomfortable role of victim in her own marriage. She realizes that what was okay for Mom, isn't okay for her and she's emotionally very stuck. A women who has been sexually molested in childhood childhood and adolescence by an adult male family member may, without realizing what she's doing, use sex as her main, or only way of getting what she thinks is love and affection. She may become promiscuous, even become a prostitute. A boy who witnesses his father beating his mother may grow up believing, without questioning it, that men are allowed to beat women. His sister may grow up in the same knowledge and tend to replay her mother's mother's victim role in her own marriage. Children of alcoholics frequently frequently marry alcoholics. Knowingly or unknowingly, they've opted to live with the devil they know. They've learned how to get along with, get around, be angry at and maybe finally to despair of alcoholics. If they marry non-alcholics their conditioning conditioning may be so strong that, entirely unknown to themselves, themselves, they may"train" their partners to become alcoholics. alcoholics. i A father who, over time, openly favors and indulges his daughter and at the same , time teases, criticizes and rejects rejects his son, isn't merely setting setting an example of hurtful sexist behavior. He may be- shockcd to watch as his son drifts angrily away from him and his daughter clings to him, too dependent to leave home. Our past, present and future future are a cable, composed of many diverse threads. Some people even believe that we're not individuals at all. We're merely members of families, living out our family family destinies, Lloyd Scott is a Marriage and Family Counsellor in private practice in Oshawa and the Orono Medical Center. Center. Ho welcomes letters from readers. Please feel free to write in confidence to Handling It, c/o The Statesman, Statesman, Box 190, Bowmnnvillc, Ontario. L'l C 31(9 -Wl Slit Zrici- sû0 9 Hi JAR ASSORTED FLAVORS vfe REGULAR, FILTER OR AUTOMATIC GRINDS ggri m REGULAR OR WITH MOLASSES , lÙLf/vïv OR VEGETABLE ...,v,.v....,.....v.v,^av^ CASE OF 9 ' ; j 3x250 mL TETRA BOXES OR6SK PER FROZEN, CONCENTRATED, $\m SQUEEZE 100% PURE VEGETABLE OIL JHB 369 g mC PAK PKG * M: "' ■ fS-i ! : ri. éBSX- ' . 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CANADA NO. 1 GRADE Cucumbers Ù F0R .99 DISTINCTIVELY ATTRACTIVE Dieffenbachia 15.24 cm 6" POT 3.99 LIQUID CONCENTRATED Snuggle Fabric Softener 2 L JUG 2.99 Canadian Cheese Festival |mILD, MEDIUM, OLD COLORED OR OLD WHITE .79100 | LIQUID, HOUSEHOLD CLEANER Mr. Clean 1 L BTL. 2.79 Eii y - NEW ZEALAND SPRING LAMB, FROZEN Sirloin Lamb Q A Û Chops 5.49 kg £1*19 ib. NEW ZEALAND SPRING LAMB, FROZEN Loin Lamb Chops 7.69 kg v I.49, STORE PACKED, FROZEN Ocean Perch Q Aft Fillets 6.59 kg £b9 9 ». MARY MILES, SLICED . SP BZ 1 1.69 Salami 3 ^g 9 1 1.99 CANADIAN QUEEN, STORE PACKED Italian Style Sausage 3.73 kg 1.69 lb. MARY MILES, RING, VACUUM PACKED Polish Sausage 4.39 kg 1.99 lb. ' ... I . 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Wee4 * Suiter new lt.11 teisortrt Kte Also Available mi WVX WVCHW4 (OtUECnOS 1UDW HILLSHIRE, VACUUM PACKED Smoked Sausage 8.80 kg 3.99 lb. FRESH FROM OUR IN-STORE DELI . r,',"; füAh'.iA! !**.., yuïsiœ fovfu i-r'îiAV I'l'iSFV. : c-A! ii)j MARY MILES Salami, Pepperoni or 4 Summer Sausage .44100 g 1.99 MAPLE LEAF Beerwurst or «% co Kolbassa Sausage .79100 fl 0.091 Germen Edam Cheese .88 100 g 3.99 lb. lb. MAPLE LEAF, CANADIAN, EXTRA OLD Jubilee m Cheddar Cheese 1.10100 fl 4.99 SIP Y Y: &Àÿp3 ' Ri '.riiv.s, : 1: : S: Y ¥; . Oitit BEii-WCbCE^tiK-i# ■ Ereaicfaf:: 1 imr} • : liiliifc - mm «usages .Y. msïWÊÊÈÈÈËÊÊÊïi DAVtlUM RAl'liMS ^ y.":- V:- Y PLAIN Bravo Spaghetti Sauce oz.tIn 1.19 ASSORTED VARIETIES Bravo Beans 19-FL. OZ. 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