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4 The Clarington Independent, Bowmanville, Saturday, July 16,1994 Handling It... By Lloyd Scott "There's nothing wrong with our marriage. And there's nothing wrong with me. It's her/him. She/he is the one who needs to be fixed. So help me, it's true. "She/he has an attitude problem, a bad attitude toward me as well as the children. Neighbours, friends, family, family, everybody says the same thing. It's not just me that says it. , "Don't get me wrong. I'll do anything anything I can to support her/him in getting getting help. Believe me, she/he needs it badly. Naturally, I want to see her/ him get better." The person speaking is looking for marriage counselling. She/he is also giving the counsellor the benefit of her/his diagnosis, indicating clearly clearly who the problem is. Counselling is being prescribed for the partner who's seen as the problem, not for the marriage. If the counselling were for the marriage, then the diagnostician would have to participate as well. She/he doesn't want any part of that responsibility. We all suffer from the same myopia. myopia. When an argument starts, her/ his gut feeling is that it's got to be the other guy's fault. Second thoughts may occur to us after the argument, an hour or a week later. The sooner the better, or we. get mired in more arguments. It's even better to run up a red flag in our thoughts the moment we start to do our usual blaming. At least second thoughts are a time for reflection and reconsideration. reconsideration. Then we can look back calmly and think about what really happened in that argument, and to think about why the marriage isn't going so well these days. Many individuals are self- appointed psychotherapists to their married partners (and to their children children as well, but that's another story). It's a common and dangerous practice. practice. Does the following sound familiar? familiar? " Y ou're jealous. That's your problem." problem." "You're paranoid. There's nothing to be afraid of. I wish you'd talk to somebody about your fears." "You're just like your mother/father. You're screwed up the same way." This last amateur diagnosis from a wife or husband is one of the bad ones. It's so infuriating to most people people that it calls for retaliation in kind. "You're even worse than your mother/father. mother/father. That's the trouble with you." One hard-working diagnostician- therapist in a marriage is common. And one is bad enough. When both spouses are each other's diagnostician-therapist diagnostician-therapist in emotional matters, they have a recipe for lots of trouble. It's not that the diagnosis is necessarily necessarily always wrong. There may even be something to it. The problem is that in the wrong hands, diagnosis from one married partner to the other is always always merely blame. The role of resident therapist has several benefits to the person who plays it in a marriage. It's a thin disguise disguise for the exercise of power and control. It's a way of showing concern, concern, usually fake, while remaining distant, uninvolved and blameless, especially if the marriage is failing. "You are the problem," means "I'm innocent," or at least more innocent innocent that the accused, who must bear the burden of the blame. However, some married partners are prone to take the blame anyway, for whatever's going wrong in the relationship. relationship. What about them? Undoubtedly, Undoubtedly, they do have a problem (rather than are the problem). Such a person, married to a blâmer, makes for an awful marriage. The one spouse avoids looking at her/his internal problems, unprepared or unable to leam what those problems problems are and to take responsibility for them. The other exaggerates his or her internal problems (or, worse still, invents them). This is the one who has been conditioned to seeing blame and the martyr's role as their unhappy but unavoidable lot. Many such couples play out this uncomfortable dance right to the grave. Others leam to break down their conditioning and leam a new dance, a new way of being together. Unfortunately, there's no quirk, efficient efficient solution to this marital conundrum. conundrum. But there are several recommended recommended directions in which to move. One is for each partner to look hard at the emotional baggage each has brought into the marriage. In the example above, one partner needs to look at the ingrained tendency tendency to avoid responsibility by blaming the other, a tendency, not exclusive to, but apparently common to husbands. husbands. The other needs to look at an ingrained tendency to be a doormat, to accept blame and feel guilty, a tendency, tendency, not exclusive to, but common to wives. "Ingrained" because such tendencies tendencies usually pre-date the marriage. To begin to take individual responsibility responsibility for those internal hangups, whatever they may be, clears the air. Responsibility begins to replace blame. Lloyd Scott is a manriage and family family counsellor in private practice in Oshawa and in the Orono Medical Centre. He welcomes letters from readers. Write him in confidence at this newspaper, The Canadian Statesman, Statesman, P.O. Box 190, Bowmanville, Ont. L1C 3K9. Potato Fanners Expect Harvest To be Successful Across Durham The fields have eyes across Durham Durham Region, as potato season arrives. As one of Ontario's top three revenue producers, potato farmers are gearing vegetables up for a successful harvest. harvest. A menu staple, tire potato provides provides limitless number of possibilities possibilities when preparing. Some of the favourite favourite uses include: sweet potatoes as "dippers" for snack trays, variety of toppings on microwaved potatoes, home fries and chips, scalloped potatoes, potatoes, seasoned mashed potatoes, duchesse duchesse potatoes, steamed potatoes. Summer picnics become complete with a homemade potato salad. Potatoes come in a variety of shapes such as: "Long Types" Russet Burbank and Shepody; "Round Whites" Kennebec, Superior, Cherokee Cherokee and Yukon Gold; Round Reds - Chieftain, Viking, Rideau, Rose Gold; "Sweet" Beauregard and Jewel. Jewel. To store, keep at a temperature of 7-10 C/ 45-50 F. If the product is stored at temperatures below this for extended periods of time it may cause damage like darkening or hardening hardening of the core. Potatoes kept at higher temperatures may begin to sprout. Before using, potatoes require a light scrubbing. If peeled potatoes arc not going to be used immediately, toss in a little lemon juice to keep them white in appearance. Avoid long soaking in cold water, as potatoes potatoes may lose some of their vitamins. Always choose potatoes that are fresh, firm, with no soft or dark spots, cracks or cuts. Many markets that carry potatoes are located in the Durham Farm Fresh guide, for your free copy please call the Ontario Ministry of Agriculture Food and Rural Rural Affairs at (905) 985-2003. pick-your-own nrnnirr or READY PICKED DLImlL* Twin Brand Orchards 3238 3rd Cone., Clarke 11/2 miles west of 115 Hwy. on 3rd Cone., north side. 987-4563 IS HOURS: 8:30 a.m. - 8:30 p.m. DAILY Ü INB 0 V Oqtarto _ cBenyfiiowêis ^'Association J P/tdm Vmk (Since 1955) 5 miles north of Bowmanville just off Durham Rd. 57 OPEN FOR THE SUMMER SEASON Featuring: • Beautiful 110'x 70'Pool • 18 Hole Miniature Golf • Tennis Court 6TH CONCESSION CEDAR PARK 'AM * Sign ^ign TAUNTON RD FIVE POINTS MALL HIGHWAY #2 1 Sign in O cr S Bowmnnvillo X DC O WAVERLEY y RD. CUT-OFF 401 t Approximately 7 Milos North ol <101 Watch For Signs* Fantastic chile Iren'sWâter!: play area con îplete with : UP.VV> b >: . W cl VUi mini slide, wat •: milUJl.Vllcly.y\ ;er cannons. No Pets Please Ask about our Summer Swim Pass PUBLIC SWIMMING Phone 263-8109 © Fine Art of Felt Making Demonstrated Felt making instructor Judit Sztraka guides students through the final final stages of making mittens during a weekend woikshop at the Visual Visual Arts Centre. The course demonstrated the versatility of felt which can be made into tents, bags, boots and even badminton balls. Stolen Property Recovered by Police On Friday, July 8th, 1994, at approximately approximately 9:30 a.m. a search warrant warrant was executed at 1437 Simcoe Street North, Oshawa. As the result, the following items weré seized. Dune Buggy and trailer stolen from Peterborough, John Deere Riding Riding Tractor stolen from Seagrave, a mower and trailer stolen from Richmond Richmond Hill, a pickup truck and plates stolen from Belleville, a large assortment assortment of power tools and other items. Just under $800,000 in counterfeit U.S. $100 bills were also seized. Charged with Possession of Stolen Property and Possession of Counterfeit Counterfeit Money are 1. Cory LAMONDIN, aged 22 years, 1437 Simcoe Street North, Oshawa; 2. Anastasia McCOLL aged 26 years, 1437 Simcoe Simcoe Street North, Oshawa. They will appear in Oshawa Provincial Provincial Court on Monday, July 11th 1994. The investigation continues.