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Families are the single most powerful powerful influence on us all. We're shaped by our families in the deepest possible ways. Ronald Richardson, in Families Ties That Bind, invites us as adults to think about about how we feel when wc visit or phone our parents. Do we rather suddenly and inexplicably begin begin to behave as we did when we were living at home? How long can we last before the old feelings start? Five minutes? An hour? Two days? What happens to us when things start getting tense? Is this why Christmas is usually not much fun for, so many people returning home to visit parents? parents? Most adults, when returning home, though they're parents themselves, themselves, tend to act as they did when they were children. Some attempt to fit in as peacefully as possible, repressing repressing their honest emotions in order order to do so. They tend to deny their feelings and do what their parents expect expect of them. To avoid rocking the boat, they pay a high price in stress and tension. Other adults visiting their parents make a point of being the opposite of what their parents want and expect. They're perpetual rebels, living out their defiance right in their parents' faces. Some returning adults try to show their parents exactly how they failed as parents, working to improve them. This latter is an especially frustrating frustrating fool's game, a game they can never win. Many adults try to have as little to do with their birth families as possible. possible. Out of a mixture of negative feelings, feelings, toward their parents, they've decided decided to cut themselves off, to stay as far away geographically as possible, to rarely communicate with the families families in which they grew up, particularly particularly with their parents. In each of these patterns - the adapter, the rebel, the reformer, the cut-off-lots of anger and blaming are in evidence. Parents of the birth family family are usually soundly and thoroughly blamed for the emotional hardships, tensions and unhappiness in the adult lives of their children. Blaming parents, parents, instead of taking responsibility for one's adult problems, is perhaps too fashionable these days. It's particularly difficult for adults who've been abused as children in Happenings CHRISTMAS CREATIONS - A workshop loaded with great decorating ideas to fill your home with holiday spirit is coming your way. It's sponsored by the YWCA and takes place Wednesday, November 30, from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. in the YWCA office at 116 Church St., Bowmanville. For details, call 623-9922. There is a registration fee of $10 per person. Handling It The Clarington Independent, Bowmanville, Saturday, November 19,1994 11 one way or another, by one or both parents, to return to the family home for a joyful visit. Then there are the families in which only one or two siblings, usually the older, were abused by their parents. If those adult children refuse to attend their parents' parents' 50th wedding anniversary, for example, the other siblings whose childhoods didn't include parental abuse may react in angry disbelief. Just another example of blaming the victim - also a popular pastime nowadays. nowadays. All these' and other ways of relat- by Lloyd Scott ing to parents bear testimony to the truly awesome power, sometimes very negative power, of our families in our lives. "Most of us haven't learned how to be close to these important important people while continuing to feel in charge of our own lives. We find ourselves reacting to them, rather rather than doing what would make sense to us in our more objective moments. Until bne can be and truly feel like an independent adult with their birth family, it's unlikely one can be this way with anyone else. The same festering childhood issues get dumped into other intimate relationships: relationships: marriage, children, work, friendships. For example, by far the most important influences, good or bad, on marriages arise from our experiences experiences in our birth families. This is a truism, of course, but I'm always surprised at how many people still refuse to acknowledge it, preferring preferring to believe that their childhood past is just a bucket of ashes, cold and dead. The extend to which a satisfying satisfying adult life can be established depends on how well one learns to deal with the forces of conditioning in one's birth family, lifetime forces that never lose their power in any of our lives. I want to acknowledge Ronald Richardson's very useful little book, Family Ties That Bind, in the preparation preparation of this column. Lloyd Scotl is a marriage and family counsellor in private practice in Oshawa and in the Orono Medical Centre. He welcomes letters from readers. Write him in confidence at this newspaper, The Canadian Statesman, Statesman, P.O. Box 190, Bowmanville, Ont. L1C 3K9. SANTA'S LITTLE HELPERS - A Christmas workshop for 2 to 5-year-olds is being offered by the YWCA. It takes place December 2 and 9, from 9:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The little elves who participate will enjoy stories, games, songs, and making Christmas presents. Registration fees are $8 for one workshop or $12 for both. For information, call the YWCA at 623-9922 or drop by their office at 116 Church St., Bowmanville. Just Window Shopping? Whel ÊMMmgæ ipÊace, 5 nd k«U CUM tM51 wrj fc!ZI J] ((J) w&mmm IMP CANADIAN TIRE vcnnnmnn 2401 Hwy. 2 Bowmanville Meet our Mechanic Don Knott has been a licenced mechanic for 10 years and with Canadian Tire for the past 8 years and is your tune-up specialist. Help avoid costly engine damage. damage. Have timing belt replaced at recommended intervals, approximately approximately 90,000 kms. 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