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8 - Orono Weekly Times Wednesday, March 9, 2005 ML ÜLi I'll sue you in my dreams I'll probably get sued for the next four words I write: Dirk and Enid Spendrake. There. 1 wrote it. As soon as they see their, names in print, Dirk and Enid will be on the blower to their lawyers who'll be typing out writs just as fast as their fingers can fly. The Spendrakes will be on my butt just as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow. Oh yeah - they'll sue me alright. Why not? They've sued just about everybody else. Over the past few years the Nanaimo, B.C. couple has sued: their neighbours, the local' police, the ROMP, the town council, a justice of the peace, a couple of unions, several several newspaper employees, one judge and innumerable lawyers. They've been temporarily muzzled by a B.C. Supreme Court Justice who has issued an order prohibiting Dirk and Enid from filing any more court actions without his say so - but that won't last. The Spendrakes will just badger the judge, his barber, the chauffeur, his cat--whatever it takes. And then they'll come after me. I don't mind. There are so many frivolous lawsuits clogging clogging our courts I'll be dead and planted before my name even comes up. It's even worse in the U.S., where 52,000 lawsuits, many of them ridiculous, are currently currently wending their torturous way through the courts. Such as Patricia Frankhouser's. Patricia, who lives in Jeannette, PA, is suing the Norfolk Southern Railway as a result of being hit by one of their trains. Patricia only sustained sustained a few cuts and a broken finger, but her dignity suffered a massive hemorrhage. She was walking on the tracks, you see, when the train struck her. Her lawsuit maintains maintains that Norfolk Southern should have posted signs alongside the tracks warning people that trains might come along from time to time. What did she think - that she was on a reallllllllly long staircase? The low handrails should have been a clue. Don't laugh. If current trends are any indication, Patricia will soon be a rich woman and Norfolk Southern will be posting signs along all its trackage that read WARNING: WARNING: TRAINS MAY BE ON TRACKS. Fear of lawsuits is driving a lot of dopey labeling these days. I've got one of those cardboard thingies that you put on your windshield to keep the sun out. It carries a warning in the bottom left hand corner that says: Not just "t. : ■ lii !! ' 5 lii » ill ü .if j|jp] «!{{! : 'i.- • Sili for, jiF but cared about ,, fi S' ijS' I üpiii iillli!! iljlili iülf SV" i; ' : Siiliillii: MF -./'Li. mW 3:!' : 3!|; -- y. pip' 1 ' ii'i il , l l!Ill P f'pigjjpi T . 'i.jiitii.u. • :.= h .i j! ;::t: v..i i • !|i:,i iiitii!i-,ii:Viiii:i• liai "«!,: ! „!• "T •' 1:1 'Ili! ip!! 1 " :x ' j|l [i DAY AND IN-HOME 'III! ii!iii! ! :;;;|i:| 1 '"È'I \ ' !!!:,: „ , |! 1 I, ! ! ! : •'ll f'iiffyTf.. .. il temporary break for caregivers of the fraj jults with needs related to,physical disability or "«Joss. w«S|:SnYmuiiiqgitedurharn.or..c| lii ill illhjji lill III Newcastle Adult Day Program Social and recreational opportunities. 20 Robert St. West Newcastle, ON LIB 1C6 For More Information call: 905-987-3000 551 Now available in Clarington only at FRED'S AUTOBODY 163 Baseline Road, Unit Bowmanville, Ontario L1C 314 Tel: (905) 623-6353 Fax: 905-623-3913 E-mail: FAB@on.albn.com Complete Collision Repair, Fred DeVries, OWNER Restoration and Refinishing FREE ESTIMATES COMPETITIVE RATES INSURANCE CLAIMS PLEASE REMOVE BEFORE DRIVING. There's an entire website devoted to wacky warning labels. Like the label that appears on a child's scooter that reads WARNING: THIS PRODUCT MOVES WHEN USED. Or the label attached to a toilet brush cautioning the purchaser that it is "not to be used for oral hygiene." It would be funny if it wasn't wasn't so sad--and some of it's very sad. Such as the two Colorado teenage girls who now have criminal records and a big fine to pay. All for baking cookies. Taylor Ostergaard and Lindsey Jo Zellitte had this idea one night. They didn't want to go to a local dance because they figured there would be drinking and fighting, fighting, but they wanted to do something. Lindsey said: "Why don't we bake some cookies and take them around to the neighbours?" So they did. Whipped up a huge batch of chocolate chip and sugar cookies, decorated them with paper hearts then took them around to several homes in the neighbourhood and left them by the front door on paper plates with the message message "Have a great night." One of the recipients, Wanita Young, aged 49, filed a lawsuit. She claimed she was 'frightened' by the unsolicited cookies on her doorstep. Sad, eh? Nope, I'll tell you what's sad: a Colorado judge found the two girls guilty and ordered them to pay the woman U.S. $900 for 'distress'. 'distress'. Nice work, judge. You don't know the Spendrakes, do you? DISTRESS CENTRE DURHAM feeling cornered? SCARED? ALONE? Distress Centre Durham offers a free, confidential, 24-hour, help-line service. Call 905-433-1121 or 1-800-452-0688. To volunteer call 905-723-4461 or visit: www.distress centredurham.com for info. Logo Contest Winner Ten year-old Cole Talbot from Kendal was declared winner of the Kendal Community Centre logo contest on March 6th. Cole is a grade five student at Kirby Public School. The winning winning design netted Cole $50. submitted photo "Watch me, Grandma!" Is your central vision becoming blurred? Maculai iiniffin.il ni s v,Hli'Hj c.iitt o' , )iiy!m' v 1 1 "".ni.i. ! destiny you' i'v' 1 u . i N, on " 1 .i shir* m ( M i t h - juu It oM. , , o i the t;iev' of tuo-e you o.e. I* you eMU'iTofe .my vh.iime >" ■' 1 x 1 f "■. uinsult vu.ir vyc -cme piotessiomm fflfi The Canadian National Institute for the Blind 1-800-b13-7813 www.cnib.ca