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8 - Orono Weekly Times, Wednesday, July 23,2003 Basic Black by Arthur Black SINGING THE PARANOIA BLUES Before we go any further, could we just run a wee medical medical check for symptoms? Do you get queasy at the sight of a Harley Davidson chopper? Feel panicky when somebody somebody mentions The Green Bay Packers? Shudder when you see a reference reference to Milwaukee, Sheboygan or Oshkosh? Thought so. Discomfort with Harley-Davidsons was the giveaway clue. Hog headquarters headquarters are in located in Wisconsin and you're suffering from a classic case of Wisconsinophobia-- heightened heightened anxiety attacks and debilitating debilitating back pains brought on by the mention of anything associated with the state of Wisconsin. It's no joke. James C. Schaefer recently published a harrowing account of his battle with the disease. He had to undergo intensive psychotherapy psychotherapy to beat it. He also had to relocate from Milwaukee to California. Just what we needed - something new to be worried about. Not enough that every Canuck wakes up to headlines screaming about SAKS, Mad Cow disease, West Nile virus, Beijing Monkey Pox and Bay Street monkey business. Why not just lump them all under one catch-all phobic umbrella? We could call it "Paranoids Are Us." It would have to be a big umbrella. Sir Martin Rees, Britain's honourary Astronomer Royal, has gone to the trouble of racking up the odds against the human race surviving the multitude of threats it faces. Sir Martin gives us only a fifty-fifty chance of making it to the year 2020. What does he think will do us in? Pick your poison. Sir Martin says it could be anything anything from Great Big Weapons to Tiny Little Machines. Actually, weapons don't have to be big, do they? One whacko fundamentalist with a satchel of plutonium or a test tube full of anthrax would do the trick. The tiny little machines Sir Martin is referring referring to are the fruits of nanotechnology, nanotechnology, the burgeoning science of creating moleculesized moleculesized machines. He doesn't want to think about what might happen if those mighty mites get out of control and start replicating themselves like hamsters. Then of course there are your standard potential Armaged-dons - volcanoes, earthquakes, climate change, not to mention Hollywood specials like rogue asteroids and viruses from space. A body could get nervous if a body took it all too seriously. And some folks are. Folks like Paul West. West, his wife and two children live on a farm on the outskirts of Winsted, Connecticut. You can't miss his place. The entire house is swathed in 3,500 feet of plastic sheeting. West figures it will protect him and his loved ones from 'radiological biological or chemical attack". "I just have all this energy from tension and anxiety about terrorism and I don't know what to do with it" says West. Cheer up, Paul - at least your wife is on your team. She isn't trying to murder you, like David Taylor's bitter half. Police in Jensen Beach, Florida arrested Taylor's wife Lynda last month and charged her with attempted murder. Her weapon of choice? Perfume. David Taylor claims he suffers from Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. He says one whiff of Chanel Number Five could make him pass out. So when wife Lynda lit scented candles, plugged in scented air fresheners around the house and upended a bottle of Evening In Paris over her head, David's first thought was not that he was about to get lucky. "This extreme exposure made me very ill with severe brain fog, headache, numbness and pain throughout my body so severe I could barely move" he told police. Speaking of brain fog, let me leave you with one morsel of good news on the Paranoia Front: Armageddon has been officially postponed - in Japan, at any rate. A 1200-member group called the Pana Wave Leading the- Way CORPORATION OF THE MUNICIPALITY OF CLARINGTON PUBLIC NOTICE www.municipality.clarington.on.ca | WHAT'S HAPPENING AT MUNICIPAL POOLS! Space is still available in remaining swimming lessons at the Clarington Fitness Centre, Courtice Community Complex, Newcastle Lion's Pool and Orono Park Pool. For more information, call 905-404-1525, 905-623-3392 or 905-623-3379. Municipal Outdoor Pools are now open! Hours of operation for Orono Park Pool and Newcastle Lion's Pool are: Monday - Thursday 1:00-5:00 pm, 6:00-7:30 pm and Friday - Sunday 1:00-5:00 pm. New New New....Swim or Get Fit at the Orono Park Pool! Lap Swims: Monday, Wednesday and Friday 10-11:00 am Aquafit: Tuesday, Thursday 10-11 am For more information and fee structure, call 905-623-3392 or 905-983-9448. Drowning Prevention Day - July 26^ Join us at all our Municipal pools for free swimming, swimming, CPR demonstrations, Mock Rescues. Challenge your favourite lifeguard in the skills and drills competition! Come on out and show us your stuff! CORPORATION OF THE MUNICIPALITY OF CLARINGTON PUBLIC NOTICE www.municipality,c{arington.on.ca The FINAL 2003 PROPERTY TAX BILLS have now been mailed for the following classes. Residential, Farmland, Managed Forests and Pipelines: 1st INSTALLMENT DUE: JULY 24, 2003 2nd INSTALLMENT DUE: SEPTEMBER 18, 2003 Multi-Residential, Commercial, Industrial classes and sub-classes will be mailed in the near future with due dates of September 18, 2003 and October 23, 2003 To avoid line-ups please choose one of the various payment options listed on the tax bill that is convenient for you. Failure to receive a Tax Notice does NOT eliminate the responsibility responsibility for the payment of taxes and penalty. Tax Department (905) 623-3379 Clarington Leading the Way L/ CORPORATION OF THE MUNICIPALITY OF CLARINGTON PUBLIC NOTICE www.municipality.clarington.on.ca CLARINGTON YARD WASTE PICKUP Please note that July and August yard waste pickup is the week of July 21 s * and August 18** 1 on your regular garbage day only. Please refer to your Waste Information Guide on page 10 for your summer schedule. If you have any questions, please call your waste information hotline 1-800-667-5671. Laboratory had to re-schedule its end-of-the-world prediction after the earth's magnetic poles failed to reverse last Thursday. The group had prophesied that the pole shift would trigger a world-wide cataclysm of earthquakes and tsunamis - which it said, could be avoided avoided only if seal named Tama- chaii was rescued from the Tokyo River. I am not making this up. Pana Wave disciples do not believe in bathing, dress all in white and eat only instant noodles. noodles. I didn't make that up either. I hope Sir Martin's predictions predictions of global apocalypse turn out to be as dopey and farfetched farfetched as Pana Wave's. I'd miss this place. CONGRATULATIONS to the winners of The Great Canadian Town Band Festival Music Raffle June 15, 2003 First Prize: 4 tickets to Lion King Laura Malcolm Second prize: 2 tickets to Mamma Mia H. Duke Johnson Third Prize: 2 tickets to Durham Concert Association Jim Mable HOLY COW! Third Annual |Summer Open House) & Art Show at the Cow Palace Orono, Ontario Featuring the leather sculpture of David Trotter And the Oil Paintings of John Climenhage July 25, 26 & 27 Open 10:00AM til 4:00PM each day Information and directions: Phone: 905 725 2752 905 242 6771 (cell) email: d_trotter@sympatico.ca website: www.cowpalace.ca (2 km west of Orono on S.E. comer of Conc.5 and Pollard Pd.) Rinske Easa, Sales Representative Sutton Group Dynamic 905-697-1700 Direct Line: 905-983-5100 E-mall: rlnsk*eeasa@rogers,com Thinking of Selling or Buying Real Estate? Call me today I am only a block away