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BR ae 8H DROLLERY A PRECIOUS AS- . 8ET TO WORLD'S WEALTH. Mow An Over-Eager Stranger Was @atisfied That Her Cabby Had Not § Lost His Wits--The Hall Mark of «| TYrue Wit--On the Spur of tho Mo- {. Ment--A Sense of Justice. & frish wit and humor have become proverbial all over the world. And in these days, when 80 much Is heard of | the struggle for life and contemporary pessimism, Irish drollery becomes an . even more precious asset in the world's wealth than In times less sophisticated and strenuous. Most certainly it was not to Ireland that Horace Walpole applied that terse phillipic, "The whole mation hitherto has been vold of wit and humor, and even ineapable of re- fishing it" for if there is one thing more notable than an Irishman's own fun it is his great appreciation of a good story told to him. Everybody. who goes to Ireland for the first time is on the leok-out for Rumor, Just as the finst desire of every- one landing in France is for a cup of coffee. The Irishman, at all events in Dublin, plays up to this expectancy of wit to the best of his ability, but all the while with his tongue in his cheek for "the poor Saxon who has not so much wit of hls own as will keep him an laughter for one hour ia the whole | the same you would If you forded the EMea--in which case his client would ' ¢lalm a verdiat In his favor, "just to show there was no ill-feellng!" Felon¥ going to execition were generally attended by their wives or Sweethearts, whose duty was to dust the hangman, which, being translated, means to abuse hign. That unpopular functionary did not always put things | happily on these occasions. Tom Gal- | vin was the name of the efficlal at] Kilmainham, and on the scaffold, as he was Ia a hurry to finish haggling | over the price of a pig which he had been obliged to adjourn im erder to attend to his professional avoocations, he thus adjured the condemned man:-- | "Rafferty, me jew :l, long life to you, make haste wid your prayers and come ump Bac SCOTT'S EMULSION won't make a | away wid you before I've to dangle the | 0) + ne ne was neanen. ~iAszom- noose any more." It was he who was so disgusted at the Lord Lieutenant signing a reprieve "because it was taking the bread out of the mouth of an old man like me who always swings them off as decent- ly as may be" Bometimes there is a system about | Irish wit that shows how impervious it | can be on eccasions. | A traveler came to a river, and he met a local on the bank "Will 1 ford the strame anywhere here!" "Bedad, y¢ may, but you'll be drowned." "Is there ony boat at all?™ "Faith, there is Pat Mulligan's on the other side." | "How willl get the boat across te | fetch me?™ | "How the divil should I know? AI} 1%. O y. ho , from expectancy, the over-eager stranger Mttle disappointed at the 7 dae is a outset. This was #0 in the case of a very good-loeking girl who took a ear and anticipated a flow of wit from the driver. Not a word, however, did he say that would bave evoked a laugh even from the gnllery of a theatre on @ Saturday pight, so at last his fare sald: -- "Pat, 1 think you must be afrald of - "Deed then, it takes more than a pestty woman to frighten me," was the prompt and gallant reply. "Put you have not made me laugh *"Bedad, It was the car and the horse that you took for an airing, mot my wits, miss" Which shows that one Irishman at feast perceived that his brains had a eash value The Hall Mark of True Wit. Ome of the charms of Irish wit is Shat it is so spontaneous, and another Ss that even a peasant will often ex grees a thing In the simplost terms which suit it far better than would the polished eplgrams of a so- @lety novellat. True wit is Nature te adwpntage dress'd SWhat oft was thought, but ne'er so well express'd Nowhere In the world does a man Bnd his true level quicker than in the south of Ireland, and nowhere else is money so little valued Not that an frishman does not appreciate the full walwe of a sixpence, but he does not take more Interest in "a forelgner" be- ¢ause he has fifty thousand a year than #f he has not fifty pounds to bless him- Self with, Bhese are some of the re fs at time difficult for any strangers to appreciate the Irish prope You may remember how Lord Morris sum- med up the difficulties of the Irish Auestion: - "It 1s just the case of a quick-witted people governed by an intensely slow one." And what is true of politics Is also true of humor An Irish landlord delivered himself of this:-- "Home Rule is always advocated by those who can't rule their own houses, and daren't call thelr names their own ~writhin earshot of thelr wives An Irish member of Parliament once within the House of Commons vilified the Chief Secretary In a superb "bull" *The right honorable gentleman, who ®o shamefully misgoverned my unfor tunate country, has put honor so far Behind him that he cannot see It when #t je staring him In the face That was hardly more unfortunate than the reply of the little girl at Sun @ay school to the question "What is an unclean spirit?" Dead silence. Her eye ran interro- gatively along the row of puzzled- Booking children. At last a chubby hand, belonging to an OVer-grown, bare-legged girl, was raised at the very bottom of the class "Yes, Nora O'Connell, you shall tell Ws what an unclean spirit is." "A @urty aivil" was the reply. On the 8pur of the Moment. 'Wit does not belong only to the low- or classes, as was shown by the Irish bishop who, having been entertained with every known legend of the ghost asons why it which haunted the room in which he | was to sleep on a certain night, woke | to find the ghostly apparition calmly gazing at him. The cleric was not in the least taken aback, but entering in- th conversation with him, asked him who he was, On the spectre proclaim- fhg his identity, the bishop replied: -- "I am very pleased to see you, for pour descendants are among my most devoted and generous supporters. I tfust that I am not wrong In tracing that generosity back to you Now I dm engaged In restoring the cathedral of my diocese. For what subscription shall I put you down? History and the bishop relate that that ghost promptly vanished and was sever seen again. The same bishop once In Sunday school inquired of a very stupid boy what the clergyman asked the god- parents at baptism. The lad might be regarded as a fool by his comrades, but sone the less he promptly bluurted out: *I demand in the name of the divil #hat thou renounce this child." While on the subject of Scriptural #Musions, perhaps the happiest repartee of modern times was that of Mr. Sam Hussey, which he made with great ef- fect soon after the publications of his memoirs: "Reminiscences of an Irish Land Agent" when discussing the Wyndham Bill with the priest of the ish As bh oa "Well, mind you don't forget." re- Mr. Hussey, "that He evicted _ Bory was told of Mr. Gladstone, whe disked an Irish peer to tell his private nd confidential opinions of his in 1881 The peer, who had partaken of re- 'Sreshment somewhat liberally, was only foo eager to comply with his In "And that is the kind of tmpass which seems characteristic of se much that goes on in the distresefol country -- Home Gordon, Author ef "Reminis- cences of an Irish Land Agent™ THE OLD ISSUR All we have of freedom, all we have or know This our fathers bought for us long and long ago Ancient Right unnoticed as the breath we draw | Leave to live by no man's leave, under neath the law Lance and torch and tumult, steel and grey goose & Wrenched 11, inch and ell and all, slow- | ly from the King 80 they bought us freedom---not at It-| tie cost { Wherefore must we watch the King, | lest our gain be lost | Over all things certain, this is sure In deed, | Buffer not the old King; for we now | the breed Give no ear to bondsmen, bidding ne endure Whining "He is weag and far"; crying "Time shall cure" { {Time himself 1s witness, till the battle | joths { Deeper strikes the rottennese In the | people's loins.) » Glve no heed tc bondsmen masking war with peace Suffer not the 1 King, here or over seas They that bid us barter--wait his yield ing moo Pledge the years we hold in trust-- pawn our brothers blood--- How so great thelr clamor, whatsoe'or thelr claim Buffer not the old King, under any name Here is naught unproven, here fis nought to learn It is written what shall fall If the King xaturn. He shall mark our goings, question whence we came, Bet his guards about us, as In free dom's name He shall break his judges If they cross | his word | He shell rule above the Law calling on the Lord He shall peep and mutter: and the night shall bring Watchers 'neath our window, lest we mock the King-- Btrangers of his councils, hire'lngs of his pay, These shall deal our justice: sell--deny elay. 'We shall drink dishonor, we shall eat abuse For the Land we look to--for the ton gue we use We sha'l take our station, dirt beneath his feet, While his hired captains jeer us in the street Cruel In the shadow, crafty in the sun, Far beyond his borders shall his teach- ings run Sloven, sullen, savage, secret, uncon- trolled-- Laying on a new land evil of the old: Long forgotten bondage, Bwarfing heart and brain-- All our fathers dled to loose he shall bind again. Here is naught at venture, random nor untrue-- Swings the wheel full circle, brims the cup anew. Here is naught unproven, here ls noth- ing hid; Step for step and word for word--so the old Kings did. Step by step and word by word; who is ruled may read. : Buffer not the old Kings--for we know the breed. . All the right they promise = all the wrong they bring. yi... ° * sight bi Sayings From ' : : The English papérs print some good sayings from Disraeli: "One thing is clear, that a man may speak very well In the House of Commons and fail very completely in the House of Lords. There are two distinct styles requisite. In the lower House Don Juan' may per haps be our model; in the upper House, 'Paradise Lost!'" "To be harassed snd, slapping him on the back, em- re @--a bad bil!" = ir A Sense of Justice. a suggestion of humor. by With verdicts of jurics in Ireland but for the rich there is compensation." is | "There 1s a great deal of vice which When an animal is killed an Brg usd per we 'aceident. This is made out on 8 ted 'form, with blank spaces Py Aired. 3m really is sheer inadveriepce." . Z The Gentle Carcase. ot ay the master is required to send to the head quarters of the company a report of the " tion of Carcase." Unaerneath he wrote, with all earnestness, "Kind and gentle" Must Wear Red Ties. | The great majority of the employes of the Great Northern Rallway and the London and Southwestern Rallway are compelled to wear red neckties whilst on duty, the object being that they might be used as danger signals in case of accidents. Red neckties do not sult all complexions, and there are not a few fastidious porters, shunters, and guards, who hold strong teelings | that their employers should go so far as to select their neckwear. Another allway oompany Introduced an order some little tine ago, enforcing all sta- tion masters-on thelr route to wear sik hats, and those officials who had charge ef small stations on the line had to suffer much good-humored chaff at the outset. Children's "Angel" In Ireland. Lady Donoughmore, formerly Miss Grace, of New York, Is known as "the children's angel" In Ireland. She 1s giving much of her time and money to teach the impoverished children in the | West of Ireland the beauties of nature. Lady Donoughmore has had a census of the poor children taken by the poor law guardians, and through them she | has been able to secure the services of well disposed women, who take the walfs to comfortable farm houses for few days at a time. She maintains | that the monotonous lives which these [ OR TURK KYS, you sl all Incubators. | It has Automatic, Tl IN. IserAm, Port PERRY] { | Summer as jt is giving entire satisfaction. ~ 15 YOU WOULD HAV] IN HATCHING CHIS parchase "The Chat Let us lista few of the most effective hatching atus ever built. It has double wal ) fhorough!y packed with Mineral BR which is absolutely fireproof, t pst perfect pou-conductor that coulil Bead. a r Regu: Slt in reliable lator, Sclfvent] made for a Cipad Canadian Firm that ha tion to |" maintain. THE CHATHAM will robust 'chicks, from stro . eggs. than any other machina g THE CHATHAM will pay you 100% better thes any other infestment made on the arm, TR Mr. George Lee] Greenbank, Ont., writes ' bs 4 os follows j-- ONT. ©. Derik Sik --I am more than delighted with the Chathum Incubator purchased fast I have just taken off my first hatch foi this weason, March 13th, 1903, and from 90 eggs | T have 79 smart chicks which I consider | hard to beat at this time of the year and i 50% better than hatching with hens, 1 cheerfully recommend The Chatham to children are forced to lead, with Mmit- [every person contemplating buying an ed facilities for recreation, are bound to have unfavorable influences in the future, IMPROVING HER SKIN. Ome Searcher After Beauty Tells of | Her Experience. "I wish the papers would quit pub- lishing these articles that tell you how to be beautiful" says a young matron. | *I was fairly content with myself till I began to read them. I had an aver- age good skin, ivo, but I've steamed It and creamed it and massaged it till It's a wreck. I've been for two weeks | trying a new beautifier for It I've been rubbing my face with slices of onion. It makes your eyes water, and it gives you an unattractive perfume, rose in his wrath " "What on earth makes you rub your | face with onlon? be sald. 'Wouldn't lmburgé® cheese do for a change? Why wouldn't potatoes or asparagus do a8 well? Does it have to be onion? "It does.' I sald. "You'll have to show me,' said he, "Let me see the article that turned your brain. 1 don't belleve it says onions 1 belleve It says any vegetable you | happen to have In the house.' "This made me furious, and I brought out the article What do you think it said? It didn't say onlons. It sald cu- cumbers. I knew It was something | you put vinegar on. That's how I bhap- pened to get mited. After this I'm going to let my face alone, but I shan't bear the last of that oulon beautifier till I dle." & | WEBSTERS Incubator, as you cannot make a mi . by 80 doing THE CHATHAM is sold on time, either | in one, two or three payments, not_a ceut required until nex: October. EGGS FOR HATCHING When purchasing eggs for hatching make | sure you are receiving them from pure. heathy stock, We can supply you with the very best, and agree to replace every clear egg returned, free of charge. Wi have the Burr Orrixcrox, the Queen of Winter Layers ; the Bury LrOHORNS, the Ladies' Idol; 'and tha old reliable the 3arkED Prymourn Rooks. Call oe write for Prices N. INGRAM & SONS, | CocHRANE ST, but the article said It would produce | | the soft, velvety skin of a child, and I | kept It up. Yesterday my Lusband Port PerrY, ONT 0K Si " ARK pod Fd SH \ Rolle Mill IN FULL BLAST I take great ple New Mills are now completed and in full oper- ation and that I am better than ever prepared w .. tg meel the requirements of my [riemds and the general public in every line pertaining to my aveadyestersioe nd rapidly incre ness: Correct business principles; and courteous treatment may be relisd on. JAMES CARNEGIE SRICERIECICIEIICS Ns ht NE Ny \/ 5% A \N/ = SRI 4 N\ =k ~~ Port Perry, Dec., 1902. Removal ¥ The unders gned wou d take thix opportunity of thanking his pu- customers for the liber. opening business in Port Perry, and would that he haa moved his business frem ihe Market building te the Willard Block Queen Street whare he will be pleased to fill all crders for Meats in a manner that cannot fail to please customers. Having new and increased feels he can give better satisfaction than heretofore, and in erder to aerify this state he solicits all to give him a call in his new wa. GAME AND FISH IN SEASON. I. J. WHEELER. Needed in Every Home [GR Always T ¢ WEBSTER'S ea) Up to Date: INTERNATIONAL DICTIONARY A Dictionary of ENGLISH, Biography ,Geography,Fiction,etc. The New and En Edition Contains _ 25,000 New Words New Gazetteer of the World with more than 25,000 titles, based on the latest census returns. New Biographical Dictionary of over 10,000 noteworthy "ALL GOOD THINGS must win upon their merits. * The International Dictionary has won a greater ~ distinction upon its merits and is in more general use than any other work of its kind in the English language. A. Hi. Bayce, LL.D, D.D,, of Oxford University, England, lias recently said of ft: It ia indeed a marvelous work; it ix difMeult to conceive of a dictionary more exhaustive and complete. Everything is in ft --not ouly what we might expoct to find in such a work, but also what few of us would ever have thought of looking for. A supplement to tho new edi'ion has brought it fully up to date. I have been Jooking through the latter with a feeling of at its and {be amount of labor that Las been put into it. LET US S8END YOU FREE " A Test in Pronunciation" which sffords a pleasant gud iusirbetive evening's enter tainment. Illustrated pamphlet aleo free, 6.8 C. MERRIAM CO., Pubs., PY Springfiold, Mass. ad names y persons, with nationality, occupation, date of reigns, date of birth, death, ete. Edited by W. T. HARR 18, Ph.D, LLD United States Commissioner of Bdwoation, New Plates 2380 Quarte Pages Rich Bindings 5000 Illustrations We also publish Webster's Collegiate Dictionary with Glossary of Scottish Wordssnd Phrases. 1100 Pages. 1400 Illustrations. Size Txi0xf 5-8 inches. " First-class in quality, second-class in size." LET US SEND YOU FREE "A Test in Pronunciation" which affords a pleasant and instructive evening's enter- I also free. G.8C.MERRIAM COMPANY, «Publishers, Springfield, Mass. Procrastination & ® S THE THIEFOF TIME extended tom gZr H H. Stone will make your Spring Suit to suit you, and fit both your person and your t. Order carly and be assu of the best satisfaction, CICKETS, OF. Zi, v, Per to supply all necessary informatien to parties asto lhe Fyiform and best routes, &c. In addition to his wumerous Ticket Agencics for Rail road and Steamship lines, he has been re-appointed Ticket Agent for the Grand Rank Railway. Parties own interests by conculting Mr. McCaw before embarking on a trip. ety, ié now inh position lo_ isse | ets to all parts Che world and intending to travel will consult their' years, I would respectfully i am, as usoal, now ready for Large & Assort OF DOUBLE AND SING Jan. lat nex If work being &F MADE BY HAND 63 snd oe factory work kept in stock, sopér rity of my goods will at ence beco appa ent utending purchasers will find that giving we a call before looking elsew hy putaule guarautee that perfect sutisfacti will be given by any article purchased, Evertbing in my line of business Farmfo r Sale. OUTH-HALF lot g and South- west quarter of lot 10, con 3, Township of Brock, consisting of about 80 acres good Farm Land with house and barn; also 20 acres rdwood, and so acres Pine, Cedar, Hemlock and T' Apply to owner. : " H.B. CLEMES, Dec. 8, 1902. Port Perry LUND & €O., 28 Victoria Street, TORO XT stantly on baud and repairs neatly a promptly attended to. JOIN Port Perry, Deo, 132 2 ROLPE: H GRAHAM Has just taken possession of Hotel, where he intends to make kinds of Boots and Shoes, and d all kinds of repairing. All comer strictly attended to. Hr wants. to please all who cdme ..is way, 3 possible. ; x Port Perry, June 10, 1903. FE Window Screens tse. 1 Screen Doors. 6oc, at our Factory. C. L. Vickery itis also the robber. that iteals from many a busi- tess man the opportunity '0 become wealthy. .. .... IT iS°NT A BIT N returning thanks to the public for o tronag or over 3 0 plan for somelh in advertising ...... es) SUNDERLAND I am prepared to do all kinds of Papering, Painting, &c, ' -- Paper and Paint furnished i | required i ! W. F. NOTT, (Successor to J. A. Redman.) Central Livery PORT PERRY. EARTILY thanking the public for the liberal patronage received during the many years I bave kept a Livery Establish ment in Port Perry, | have much pleasure in announcing that I have removed MY LIVERY! to my former place of business Water Street which I am about to largely extend in reasc facilities 50 that the public may be better accommodated with safe and desir able "R168 AT MODERATE CHARGES R. VANSICEKLER. Port Perry, June 21, 1900. Located in Our New Premises S.T.CawkeraSon A7 ISH TO ANNOUNC( E tha y / that they are now comfort ably ensconsed in their new pr mises in the Purdy Block where the Public will always fine ap ample supply of CHOICE, FRESH MEATS t prices that cannot fail to please A full supply of Meats of the ver best grades, and cut in dimension to please the most fastidious. All orders will receive promp attention. S. T. CAWKER & SON March 5, 1902. Sealed Tenders EALED TENDERS will bc received by the undersigned for the purchase of all or any of the Parcels-- Farm Properties. --belong ing to Mr. John Adams, advertisec to be sold by auction on the 23r¢ November, and withdrawn at the sale. J. A. McGILLIVRAY, Temple Building, Toronto Nov. 30, 1899. - 80 YEARS® EXPERIENCE TRADE MARKS DesiGNs g Totaioned the yoan be suited in quality and price, my : ' k on hand and for long experience in the trade being an indi FOY SHOE SHOP one door South of the St. Charles sales the following nes and Implenients wanofactured by the (TR BAMLIOR MTG C2 OF PETERBORO: Bindars, hie tural Mach Reapers, Crown Mower, Daisy , Tiger Hay Rake, Two Furrow ,. Three Furrow Gang, Combina- . 'Plows, Cham Plows, 8. T. TColsivator, 8. T. Harrow, Land er, Steel Frame Spring Tooth . Cultivator, Binder Trucks, &c | ¢ doors north of Mr. Widden's store} Sittings of fhe irs . UXBRIDGE Clerk. Jox. slso the following, tho munufacture of OOUNTY OF ¢ 1906. | WHITBY-Clerk, D.C. Macdonall, Whitey J ana- ary 9, Fuhmary 3, Marhg Aprils, bard June 6, Juy Ther 8, r 4, November, Dec- ember CG. Jan. 9, 1906. . OYHAWA ~ Clerk. D.C. Mactonell. Whithy + avp- Wry 10, Februar y 3, Mach 3 April 6, May 1. er 7, Octel . N het 1 BROUGHAM Clik, M, Glooron, Greeoteod--Janr- ary 11, March 6, May 8, July 10, Be| r11, Nev. en.ber 9, Jau 11, 196. ve ' i POLT BER EY Cl J W. Burnham, Port Perry ~Junnary 13, March 8, May 9, July 11, Beptemuber 8, November 10, Jun. 13, 1608 1 . E. Gon, Uxbridge-- Janeary 12, March 17, May 19. July 14, Septewbes 15, November 34, Jun. 12,19 6. 5. CANNINOTON --Olerk, Geo. Smith, Cannington -- ber Jnomary 11, March 16, May 18, July 13, Septem 10 November 2%, Jan 11, 16. ~~ 3, BEAVERTON-Clerk, Geo, F. Bruce, Beaverton -- Junvary 19, March 15. May 17, September 13, Nove ember £2, Jun, 10, 1906, I. UPTERGROVE- Clerk, Thos. P. Hart, Uptergrove March i4, Muy 16, Seprember 12, OY ig By order, Dated at Whitby, Nov. 14th, 1904 cone laksniting I'he undersigned having opened business in the See 1e¥ lin sibed sep Ialey eeu iod by MB. Bal [ust west of Drs. Archer & Archer's )fiice, 1s prepared to do all kinds of f General Blacksmithing, al Y mable Charges. & " HORSE-SHOEING A Speciality' anit Satisiastion Patronage Solicited. S. W. SWITZER. Port Perry, Sept. 16, 1902. PAINTING | Kalsomining, &c JHE undersigned would tuke this oppor tunity of thanking his numerous pat- 'ons for their liberal and still increasing atronage during the time he has carried on the business of PAINTIN i Port Perry, and wonld state that he etter prepared than ever to execute a orders for >ainting, Kalsomining and Paper Hanging Parties entrusting their work to me may oly or having it neatly and promptly exe- uted, My charges are moderate. 1 am also prepared to svpp!y Paints, &g,, vhen contracting. A continuance of public patronage sol WM. TREMEER. Port Perry, Mar. 23, 1593, ited. JOHN NOTT, UNDERTAKER, and Funeral Ds i]