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NN Aw eine, on ES Pm Ce | Ni a -- = CE en is a a rr rN Tn Go in 3 rl per 3) To rs - Pe! 3 it oi -- ... JUST IN FUN Mistaken Identity The shortsighted schoolmaster was rapidly losing his temper. "You, at the back of the class. What was the date of the signing of Magna Carta?" "I don't know." "Well, then, can you tell me what the Gordon Riots were?" "I don't know." "I taught that last Friday. were you doing last night?" "l was out drinking with friends." } The schoolmaster gasped and his face went almost purple. "You have the audicity to stand there and tell me that! How do you expect to pass your examination?" "Well, I don't. You see, I just came in to fix the electric light." STUFF. AD: THINGS : What some "No, Nb! He asked for a fez not a fizz!" Who Could? The new baby proved to have very powerful lungs. One day his brother, aged five, said to his mother: "Mother, baby came, from Heaven, didn't he?" "Yes, dear," answered Mother, The small boy was silent for a "moment, then he went on: "I say,- - Mother!" - "What is it, dear?" "I don't blame the angels for slinging him out, do you:" Considerate "How do you get on with Jean- ette?" asked Dick. 'The ardent young lover sighed. "1 started off well," he replied, "I said I was knee deep in love with her." : "Sounds all right," said Dick. "What was her reaction to that?" The young suitor grimaced. "She promised ta put me on her wading list." : Good English A professor of English had a very pretty secretary. One day his wife, entering his study unexpectedly found the sccretary sitting on his knee, "Eustace," prised." The professor turned round, "No, *-ghy dear," he-said." "We are -sur--|-- prised; you are astonished." she said, "I am sur- "to deliver orders. The Merry Widow It was raining very hard and the children were confined to their class-room. during the mid-morning break. The teacher, to keep them quiet, talked to the class on busi- ness carcers and asked various children what they would like to be when leaving school. "Please miss, I'd like to. be a widow," answered Joan in a deter- mined voice, "A widow!" exclaimed the teach- er. "But why?" "Well miss," replied Joan, "If you're not married, people call you an old maid, and if you are married, your husband bosses you, but if you're a widow, you're just right." A Big Saving . ~A--Hollywood--dress-- shop owner -- met a friend, who greeted him with: Joe; I hear your shop was fobbed ~~ last night. Lose much?" "Some," answered the owner, "but it - would have been much worse if the burglars had got in the = night before." "How's that?" "Well, yesterday I marked every- thing down 20 per cent." / / Being Explicit "Madam," rebuked the postman, "I am not afraid on account of your dog but my trousers are frayed on account of your dog." Lucky At Last! A butcher was in the habit of sending his son with a small trap The lad was a careless driver," and one day he knocked down an old lady. ' A lawsuit followed, and the butcher had, to pay damages. Shortly after this the son was the causc of another accident, which had a similar unfortunate result, and the drain on the butcher's resources brought him: to the verge of ruin. A few days after the second case had been settled, he was thinking over his hard fate when a neighbour ; 'rushed in with the information that run the butcher's wife had "been over by the careless driver of a motor-car, and was in hospital, "Thank goodness," exclaimed the butcher, with a big sigh of relief, "my luck's changed at last!" Busy Sheep First Sheep: "You look tired, my dear." Second Sheep: "Tired! I shonld think I'm" tired. I've been jump- ing over gates all night for a P.T. instructor with insomnia!" Regrets "Did you -hear that Joan married a sclf-made man?" = "Yes; -~And -now she's: wishing he'd employed an architect." had LIFE'S LIKE THAT Lf owe _ 7 I/| loans LOAN ible By Fred Neher gi \ while vi 3 igh eg eECTacy / =) o = Na Y dine anim Lol ar \ = ' cl. = a te M td 5s) 2, = o batt * 2 - ah ht obtain en ptr x nd ep NE a1. "Business was hi ch, MY, Ace ... I x dollars!" \ 'Y ! hod yt AM, og i * ie A new type starting gate, designed by E. M. Smith, Los Angeles industrialist, ushers in the Western Harness Racing Association sulky meeting at Hollywood Park, Inglewood, Calif. The gate, split in the middle, straddles the track i and is powered by two streamlined automobiles. X Lové and Business In Soviet Don't Mix Love laughs at locksmiths but it had "better preserve a more sub- dued attitude towards the iron cur- tains. The Supreme Soviet has by decree forbidden marriages between may be regarded as a development rather than a departure, 'The Sovi- ct citizen, man or woman, who marries a foreigner remains under all the obligations of Russian citi- zenship and the Soviet authorities have in practice done much to dis- courage such matches. Permission --for--a --wife to jon her band in. his own country "been given in the majorit: few cases where British soldiers married Russian wives during the war. The outlawry of marriages - with all aliens is a more extreme form of the same attitude and as an example of "non-fraternization" can be equalled nowhere else in the civilized world. The time chosen for the promulgation of this sweep- ing decree seems curious; is the moment regarded as particularly threatening to the blood brother- hood of the Saviet system? At any rate today's many official visitors in Moscow have been warned in ment interfere with business, Even if they fall in love with Soviet =iti- marry them, A new Canadian cheese with a background rivalling fiction will soon make its bid in world markets, * Development was spurred by the war. Imports of such cheeses as French Roquefort and Danish Blue, ceased when Germany's conquests _spread. . Canadian niarkets. wese empty of these items. . One leading cheese manufactuter had long-considered the possibility . of developing' a Canadian product which would make the Canadian , Market independent of 'imported cheeses. He was Simon Lhabarge, Tea of the Chateau Cheese divison of the Borden Company, Ltd, sheep's milk by a centuries-old for- \ mula, and is matured jn natural caves. The Canadian problemi was to develop a comparable formula utilizing cow's milk, and to "dupli- cate By mechanical means the ma- turing conditions of the French caves. Into Mr. L abarge's Ottawa office one day walked a' Danish immi- grant, Andfis Kolding, = seeking a \ job. He was born near Copenhagen, 'arid is a trained cheesemaker, and "was a voluntary refugee. Before long Kolding was on the Chateau payroll, engaged in labora- tory research, New | formulas 'were built, a brand new manufac- turing cycle evolved, | The result was a new cheese with the propet- 'ties of French Roquefort and - Danish Blue--it's a "blge" cheese. Trade-named *Bivfor'. it caught on at orice, . «Russian citizens and foreigners, It. hus- has in the majority of the time that they must not let senti-. destruction by fire, zens they will never be allowed to DELICACY * been undertaken by the Association "TFreneh---Roquefort-is--made from -- VOICE OF THE PRESS House and Lot Most G.L's would be satisfied with their lot if they could get a home built on it. -- Milwaukee Journal. Maybe a Raise Paris has a guillotine for sale at $840. And no buyer is likely to stick out his neck and ask for a cut, --Ottawa Citizen, Far More Dangerous -- Never do things by halves. A "man half "drunk" behind the wheel | of a motor car is far. more danger- ous than onc who is dead grunk. --Guelph Mercury. Five Freedoms "It will soon be picnic time again, and no doubt some' picnic parties will think the Four Freedoms .are: Slashing trees; breaking bottles; Iéaving farm gates open; littering the ground with paper, cardboard plates, drinking cups.and the re: mains of a meal." --Toronto Star. To say nothing of the Fifth Free- "dom: Leaving live ashes to cause --Kingston Whig-Standard. _ Answer to Prophets The unmistakable facts are that the Soviet Union is not planning war, that even if it was, it is in no state to wage it, that it is even more afraid of an attack from the United States than the United ~States is -from--it, and -that-those_ who talk so insanely of the 'next war' arc the very people who un- consciously are doing most to pro- mote it. --Ottawa Citizen. Still Fighting Looks as if the big powers are going to spend as much time fight- ing each other aver. Germany's future as they did fighting a war to. decide Germany's future, - --Woodstock Sentinel-Review. Scotland Protects The Golden Eagle A reward of £10 is to be offered for every golden eagle's eyrie from which the young are able to fly safely, says The Edinburgh Scots- man. : This is part of a scheme for the protection of the golden eagle in the Scottish Highlands which has ~of -Bird-Watc¢hers- and- Wardens: at - the invitation of the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, The Association of Bird Watch- ers' and Wardens are also about to begin a scheme for the better pro- - tection, of sach birds as the white- tailed cagle, ospréy, kite, honey buzzard, hobby, and march and hen hammer. "Rewards of froin £3 to £10 are' to be paid to gamekeepers.or, others for the rearing to maturity or fledg- ling state of any of these séven species on their lands and beats, and compensation will be' paid for proved damage to poultry and game by these birds, Sounds Logical If louses are lice And mouses are mice, Would you say that a guy With two' spouses had spice? --St, Thomas Apparently Russia hopes that Britain andy the United States will make substantial loans to Germany, so that Germany in her turn, will be able to make reparations to "Riissia. Siirelyywe hive had enough experience of that kind of financing, "--Niagara Falls Review. : Too Dear A society has been formed with "the object of "abolishing the word "dear" tions. If it would abolish the "dear" from prices, it would be doing something worth while, --Toronto Star. Billion Is ALot Of F olding Money During the "war /years, govern- ments spoke of money in terms of billions. The New York municipal council has just received its first billion dollar estimates in history. The United | States Government budget for the current year is $20,000,000,000, and when Dominion Finance - Minister Abbott presents his statement s soon, he will probably talk in ten- figure amounts, com- ments the St. Thomas Times- Journal. It is hard to visualize a billion. in dollars, and when legis- lators pass measures of legislation costing that amount without much discussion, we wonder if they ever envision what one billion dollars would look like, and how long it would take to: count them. * » * A Columbus Univerity man figures it out this way: Count out 1,000 dollar bills and stack them on a'table. Count out 999 more stacks and you have $1,000,000 on the table. It would require 1,000 such tables to make $1,000,000,000, How long would it take to count out all that dough? N If you worked eight hours a day, without resting on Sundays or holidays or taking a .vacation, and planked down one one-dollar bill a second, it would take 105 years. In other words, if you were told .=you. could have _$1,000,000,000 if, _ : money in you counted out the dollar-bills, you simply .could not do it; you probably wouldn't get half-way. » * * We recall a story many years ago in which an Englishman was offer- ed*one million pounds in gold if he could carry that amount of one- pound gold _picces_in 'one room to another. It looked casy as well as tempting. He -trundled * bucketsful of sovereigns. day and night, 'but collapsed from exhaustion long before the pile was exhausted, Yet governments have been spending billions with easy abandon, Times-Journal. from business letter saluta- _a_ pail from _ Iced Earthworms Shipped By Plane critter. One of = evolution's has teeth when it 1s born. horny, bill-like plates grows up. ankles a poison apparatus. beari It lives in water part of the time ing on aquatic insects in the first --instance-and-on-food-such-as--ecarth- worms in the second, says the Sault "Daily Star. But if it is queer, it also is very valuable in zoological eyes. Its sole habitat is the rivers of Australia and Tasmania, and it is a very deli- cate creature which rarely survives captivity. New York's Bronx Zoo, for instance, has not had a platy- pus since 1922,-when it managed to keep one alive for 49 days. ' LIE /% So when 'word reached the zoo that tliree which the director of Australia's Healesville Sanctuary for platypuses was bringing to the Bronx were running short of food as their ship neared the Panama Canal, it called for action. "The action involved digging up 10,000 carthwornj a platypus ap- parently gets Hii calorieg' for subsistence from 800 earthworms a day--from their cool haunt in the basement of thie lion house at the "zoo, and shipping them by air' to meet the platypus-carvying steamer. The carthworms, have nothing much to look forward They are packed in moss, and also iced, for an overheated earthworm mildews, according to zoo officials. And mildewed worms will not do for precious platypuses. * 0% = While their iced worms arc. on the way, they will= continue to nibble at the special food on which they have thrived throughout the Pacific crossing--a mixture of pab- lum, corn meal, bread, ground up leaves, sand, wood ashes and wet newspapers The Bronx Zoo will place the 'platypuses in a special tank where they may swim, burrow or laze at will--if an iced earthworm dict gets them there. Ultra-Modern One of New York City's largest 'apparel stores which moved into its new headquarters on Fifth Avenue recently has reached a mew peak in interior, fledoration. - Sales- girls in® one departnient wear Nil "green dresses-that-match the green leather on the chairs, A feature whichiwill appeal to the building's maintenance crew' is steam' coils under the sidewalks which will quickly solye the snow removal problem next winter, bleached wood _-- The No. 1 blonde of opera is what they're calling Dorothy Kirsten now, a title voted her at an In- ternational Beauty Show in New York, [| Obliging The golf club grouser was com- plaining bitterly at the "nineteenth" about worm casts on the greens. The captain came in and 'was im- mediately buttonholed. ,"Isn't this the time of year to treat worms?" the grouser asked, "Yes," was the reply. "What'll you have?" To Save Platypuses A duckbilled playtpus is a queer left- 'overs, it is an otter-like animal, fur- * bearing, with a tail like a beaver. Tt and when - it It hides within its four And You WII Enjoy Staying At The St. Regis Hotel \, TORONTO @® Every Room With Bath Shower and Telephone : @ 'Single, 82.50 Yee Double, $3.60 @ Good Food, Dining and Daue- Ing Nightl pA mt at Carlton Tel. RA, 4133 irsngest all, the female is egg- ng --and burrows in mud the rest, feed- _ ROOMS BEAUTIFULLY FURNISHED $1.50 up HOTEL METROPOLE NIAGARA FALLS OPP. -- C.N.R. STATION soon follow. To help working properly--use Do. Ti popular, & box with the red band. Sold evervwhe When your BACK ACHES... Backache is often caused by hazy kidne actin, ¥ kidneys get tout of order ay and poisons remain in system. Then backache, rheumatic pain, dis turbed rest or that 'tired out' feeling : your kidneys 's Kidney Pills. afe, non-habit- form Kidney Pills, in the blue re. 135 although they - to, are being. very tenderly treated. BRINGS FST RELVEF, / AT NIGHT? "How 'miserable you feel dnen your sleep is disturbed, T listless all day long. wi ed, achey, . not take Gin Pills--an old reliable remedy for relieving kidney trouble? Come up the kidneys in Pills fies ona to help soothe and tone -or-money-back be Repolor size, 40 Pills i Fsanomy size, 0 Pills GIN TRE: (le) yh KIDNE - were worked out, artificial Yeaves"-- I t---- Tr : POP--A Problem ~ WILL YoU HELP ME WITH mY ARITHUNET, \C oon By J. MILLAR WATT X " A BAD EXAMPLE cir PALO] [RC *y rt Shur Wp