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$d | PORT PERRY STAR -- Wednesday, Oct. 20, 1976 -- 35 I have the original 125 Ib. body, the body that cries out to have sand kicked in its face. You never catch me at the beach flexing my muscles. | don't take my muscles to the beach with me, | usually take them off and hang them in the closet. ) B ' Even my 125 Ibs. are sort of phoney, at least 100 Ibs. is hair. Subtract a few pounds for toenails, ten pounds or so for skin and I"m left with about half a pound each for my eyes. My eyes aren't bad, but just eyes and hair make me seem hardly worth the trouble the obstetrician went to...although when 1 check myself over | do notice my feet. Have | told you about my feet? No! Well, my feet have to be seen, long, slender, classic, like the feet you see on a Greek statue. If the world in general, and beauty lovers in particular knew about my feet they would have pilgrimages once a year to Oooooo! and Ahhhhh! at such splendor. | can see it now. | would sit on a sort of dais, looking down at the assembled multitudes. There would be a trumpet fanfare, a roll of drums, followed by a deathly hush; and | would shyly but proudly poke one of my feet out from under my robe. s A cry would go up from the assembly. Some would faint, others would prostrate themselves. To give them time to recover | would tuck the foot back under the robe again. The crowd would rise to its feet as one man (or one woman) and shout, "More! More! More!" " "My attendants would make sure there was plenty of water for the more susceptible, the Red Cross would move in, and | would quickly unveil john mack. both of them at once! Ten miles away the pilgrims would hear the cries. The local farmers would say, "Wal, John must have taken off his shoes again." It will suprise no one, I'm sure, that my wedding pictures show me with my bride, she in her wedding gown, me in my kilt. While she stands smiling eagerly and somewhat victorious- ly, I, on the other hand, have uncovered my feet and am standing on my head. And a prettier picture you have never seen, the beautiful bride flashing her perfect and pearly teeth while: beside her are a pair of the most breath-taking feet anyone has ever seen. Some people have noticed my picture in the paper. They may also have noticed the self portrait that is used on other occasions, but, despite my pleas, my editors have refused to print my feet. | think | know why. People would stop reading the paper. They would open up each issue just to feast their eyes on my feet. We would get requests for reprints. Postcards would be mailed all over the world showing these gorgeous appendages. The Canadian Government would stop this metric nonsense and get back to feet and inches. | realize how fortunate | am. In the past people have said many things about my nose, and | agree, as noses go, it is without peer, but none of this is significant when one thinks of the impact my feet will have on the world. The great poets will write immortal stanzas like, ""Toeses are Red Violets are Blue My heels are gorgeous And my insteps too!' $ : py | will be know as John of Arch! Wonder of wonders, | have two feet. | think the one on the left is the nicer but the truth is that each is so perfect that words fail me. How does one describe a sunset, a chord of music, and French sauce? Ah, these feet! These feet, these feet!!! iflann Martell A * REAL ESTATE o HAM Geant Lrenese 'able, of ink. now available from Port Perry Star Co. SLU P.0. BOX 90 PORT PERRY co of Petroleum \ Q\ and car com- % -- w------ panies, farm | PI BN animals, constr- uction equipment etc. also avail- and 'colors oy WANA Vv winter-prep package, " only Check all hoses, heater S 16 95 Check thermostat . Flush radiator, Install new for 8-cylinder anti-freeze cars, others Check all drive belts less. Check battery condition Return your car to you knowing that it is prepared for winter driving conditions Phone for appointment. +MASTERCHARGE *CHARGEX GORD LEWIS ~ MOTOR SALES PORT PERRY 985-8091 0 ening dL ANY to smal business Financial assistance Management counselling Management training Information on government programs for business Mrs. W.E. Clifford one of our representatives will be at Railroadhouse Motor Hotel, Scugog Street, Hwy. 7A, Port Perry. Wednesday, October 27, 1976 from 10 am to 3 pm. Call 985-8131 for appointment ARTUR VTCRIGELLD RCE EL MLL ETP ENG COELG ECE TEL EEE WC LG TCR EL CRG CLERC CIC ORE EEG DEL CRETE EDT COLL IUCLER IRR IT ICR OICICH CL RGR EE LEDER EREL EIN ED LETC EG RL IT ECT EUG RIETGILT RC TTEL RGGI ETT joverr © 2°! programs available for your B 2 alk 10 our representative. a" 22 King Street West, Oshawa Telephone 576-6800 f { > 4 > ' o 3 1 : 3 Hy LS . Nir, | 3 1] % \ & } 1s CS A rei ott crit y tl Pha SR TN Sn ae