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And you thought time was passing you by! There's an astronaut circling the earth every 90 minutes and he's been up in space for over 280 days now. When Sergei Krikalev, 49, and his Soyuz rocket were shot into space almost 10 months ago he had a home- land to return to and a pretty good han- dle on life in the Soviet Union. Now, less than a year later there's no Soviet Union and an awful lot has changed. Can you imagine the conversation between poor Sergei, the circling jerk and the guy who has to guide him down at ground control? Sergei: "Okay, I've almost completed programming for re-entry but usually I line my visual flight path with the Great Wall of China, then the Matterhorn and then...where's the Berlin Wall?" Ground control: "Gone." Sergei: "Where did it go?" Ground control: "Most of it went to the United States where it sold for $50 an ounce." Sergei: "They are smoking the Berlin Wall in the United States!" Ground control: "No, souvenirs of communism." Sergei: "Where has communism gone?" by William Thomas SERGEI KRIKALEV DON'T CALL HOME Ground control: "Cuba. Now look Sergei we don't have a lot of time so... Sergei: "Will you please call my fami- ly in Leningrad and tell them I'll be home soon?" Ground control: "Ah Sergei, I don't know how to tell you this but Lenningrad doesn't exist anymore." - Sergei: "You mean Leningrad was blown off the face of the earth in a nuclear disaster?" Ground control: "No, that was Chernobyl. Have you got your oxygen valve all the way on, Sergei?" Sergei: "I knew about Chernobyl. Where's my family?" Ground control: "St. Petersburg." Sergei: "The Berlin Wall went to the United States and my family moved to Florida?" Ground control: "They changed the name from Leningrad to St. Petersburg." Sergei: "Lenin must be turning over in his grave." Ground control: "Theyre thinking of selling Lenin." Sergei: "Let me guess...to the United States." Ground control: "A souvenir of communism." At this point Sergei Krikalev rolls his eyes which is really neat because in the weightless of outer space they actu- ally go all the way around. Ground control: "Now Sergei when you land in Kazakhstan be sure to..." Sergei: "Did you say Pakistan?" Ground control: Kazakhstan." Sergei: "Where is that?" Ground control: "It's north of Tadzhikistan and Turkmenistan sharing a border with Uzbekistan." Sergei: "Are those countries or nightclubs?" Ground control: "Hey Sergei, don't be a Yakov Smirnoff eh? I'm just doing my job here." Sergei: "I thought I was coming home to the motherland of Russia." Ground control: "Did you say Russia or Byelorussia?" Sergei: "That's it. Patch me through to somebody in the capital." | Ground control: "Do you want Moscow or Minsk?" At this point Sergei Krikalev becomes so frustrated he knocks over his glass of Tangistan. Ground control: "Face it Sergei, you've been up there for almost a year. A lot of things change." Sergei: "Some things never change. I've got to be with my wife as quickly as possible!" Ground control: "Your wife's not speaking to you." Sergei: "Why not?" Ground control: "She found out you tried to pick up Roberta Bondar last Feb." Sergei: "Nothing happened. It was like two ships passing in the night." Ground control: "Roberta's denying it too." Sergei: "How did the Soviet hockey team do at the Olympics?" Ground control: "I'm not a sports fan but let's see...I've got the Olympics edi- tion of Pravda here...Soviet, Soviet, Soviet...no, we didn't win a medal." Sergei: "You're joking. We didn't win a medal in hockey?" Ground control: "No. Look's like the Commonwealth took the gold." Sergei: "The British won a gold in ice hockey! Pravda must be playing some kind of communist propaganda trick." Ground control: "Oh no Sergei, our newspapers are just like the ones in the West now. They tell the truth." Sergei: "They do?" Ground control: "Yeah, did you know that Elvis is still alive?" Sergei: "Listen, you're making me a little nervous. I better speak to the president." Ground control: "Okay, I think he's across the hall." Sergei: "No, no. I want the president, I want to speak to my president of my country of Russia." Ground control: "Okay, I'll try and reach Yeltsin." Sergei: "Yeltsin?" Ground control: "Boris Yeltsin, the president of Russia." Sergei: "What the hell happened to Mikhail Gorbachev?" Ground control: "Oh Sergei, you're such a Yakov! Mikhail Gorbachev is a columnist for the Toronto STAR!" Remember When -? RY HISTORIC PHOTOS COURTESY SCUGOG SHORES MUSEUM One of the Wright bros. with Amelia Earhart? We're not quite sure. We do know that this picture was taken at the Regina Airport in 1936 and was part of the McLaren Estate. If you can identify the couple pictured above or if you have any photos you would like to donate to the museum, please call the Scugog Shores Museum Village at 985-3589. 45 YEARS AGO Thursday, March 12, 1947 Port Perry United Church formed a Men's Club. The following officers were elected: president - Tom Harris; vice-president - Bruce Beare; secretary - Chas Reesor; treasurer - Clayton Love, and pianist - Stanley Causley. Port Perry council offered an arrangement for the townships of Scugog and Cartwright to have the Port Perry Fire Department make calls to fires when possible for the sum of $25 plus $1 for each fireman per hour, plus cost of recharging fire i ishers. extingt 35 YEARS AGO Thursday, March 14, 1957 During February, the Community Memorial Hospital had a total of 94 admissions including 10 births making a total of 601 patient days for the month. | What might have been a major fire occurred in Prince Albert late Wednesday night when the Kiczebrink chimney became all aflame. 30 YEARS AGO Thursday, March 15, 1962 The Royal Canadian Legion Branch 419 moved to their new premises on Bay Street. Mr. Jim Norton was the president this year. One of the first events held in the new hall was a social night officially known as the "Tom McNeil Night." Port Perry basketball team copped top basketball honors this season as the Bantams and Seniors took the Georgian Bay "B" tournament. 25 YEARS AGO Thursday, March 16, 1967 About 350 cats and dogs were given rabies shots at the Port Perry Fire Hall. Local veterinarian Dr. D. Christie was on hand to give the injections to the family pets of Scugog residents. PLEASE TURN TO PAGE 8 Letters io the editor XN Enjoyed writer's letter about local litterbug To the Editor: I loved the anonymous letter about the litterbug. The writer is to be commended for taking the time to expose this type of behavior, even if it is unsigned. I hope everyone who recognizes the litterbug, takes a moment to give her a tip about recycling, and conservation. After all, why should your children have to grow up with her trash! Reading the letter prompted me to write, because today I received a stupid chain letter. I consider this to be garbage of a different type. The chain letter was, of course, unsign- ed, with no return address on the typed envelope. It is of a religious theme, promising me good luck if I send 20 copies to 20 friends. The flip side is that I will receive bad luck if I don't send the letter on. I or my spouse will die, or we will have something terrible happen to us. Thanks a lot! Eleven years ago, my in-laws died within one week of each other. My father passed away three years ago, and I developed a serious chronic disease four years ago. I didn't need your crazy letter to give me bad luck. Of course, I have two beautiful children, a happy 16-year marriage to a wonderful guy, a nice home, and because of my illness, I get to stay home with my kids while they are young. I'm going to dispose of your letter (in an environmental- ly friendly way) and I'm sure that in spite of breaking the chain, something good is going to happen to me next week. Instead of wasting $8.98 on stamps, why didn't you donate the money to a charity. That's more likely to bring good luck, or at least make you feel good. Why don't you get a life! Yours truly, Leanne Lang Thanks canvassers for Heart and Stroke To the Editor: The committee in charge of the Ontario Heart and Stroke Founda- tion for the Township of Scugog, wish to publicly thank the many canvassers who gave their time and effort to this worthwhile cause. As well the excellent work done by the captains, some new this year, is very much appreciated. Special thanks to Audrey Hall who captain- ed the Rose Campaign showing a substantial increase in the coin box collection. The excellent coverage at the beginning of the campaign by the local newspapers as well as the week to week educational informa- tion shown on the Community "Channel 10" television is of great service in making the public aware and we thank you for this. Our campaign was very suc- cessful, due to good support shown by all our communities in the door to door canvass, and yielded a record high total of $17,630.00. A sincere thank you to all who in any way contributed to this success. Sincerely, Chairpersons: Gwen Taylor, Joan Lane, Judy Smith, Dorothy Bourgeois