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Lew WIAD, MI Se A "A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, May 3,1994 - 3a As the official spokesman for the Middle-Aged Stupid Straight Guy Association - I am both appalled and angered by all the fuss being made about same-sex marriages. I mean have these people been living on the planet Pluto for the past 20 years or what? For gawdsakes wake up and smell the aphrodisiacs. There are sex ther- apy clinics, there are sex manuals, there are self-help videos and con- sultants like Dr. Ruth Westheimmer, there are weekend retreats and semi- nars designed to put the spark back into the marriage and enhance the physical relationship. In this day and age there is no reason in the world why sex in the marriage always has to be the same. And now they're even proposing legislation to recognize that sex must be the same in....excuse me one second. "What? It's not? WHAT! WHY? WHO? WHOAAA!!! Sorry, but I have just been informed by my editor that I may not have completely understood the con- cept of same-sex marriage. by William Thomas SEX COVERING ALL THE BASES (For members of my association -- it's like a two-mommy marriage as opposed to, but in conjunction with, a two-daddy marriage). Boy, all this stuff is going by me so fast, numbered jerseys and a pro- gram of players probably wouldn't help at this point. I'm about as confused as a kid of a same-sex marriage who wins a news- paper contest with the essay "Why My Mom Is The Greatest Dad In The World!" You think the average kid is a little confused now, just wait until he goes to his father to ask where babies come from and he's told to go ask his father. It shouldnt be quite this compli- cated. It should be like the old days, it should be almost as simple as get- ting a summer softball game going. "Okay, everybody pick a side. What? You demand to be chosen according to your legislated rights of sexual orientation? "Okay, heterosexuals on this team, homosexuals over there. We'll flip a coin to see who bats first. Everybody knows the rules -- nine innings, three strikes and you're out and four...well, everybody knows the rules. Okay any questions? "Yeah? You're bisexual? Okay, no problem. What? No, no. You're not going to bat for both teams. Yes, I'm well aware of the fact that you can swing from both sides of the plate but you have to go out in the field and chase grounders like everybody else. "Yes, you sir? You want to play right field hard and aggressive like Joe Carter? That's fine. But you want to wear a ballerina's outfit with full facial makeup? Sure, okay. But take the spiked heels off. This is just a friendly, pickup game. "You sir? Sorry. You maam? Sorry. You? Oh, you're asexual. And that means...okay, gotcha. So you have no interest in either team or even the game itself but you do want to be a part of it all. Okay That's fair. Perhaps just sitting on the sidelines and observing...as a kind of disinter- ested, unbiased cheerleader? Good. "And you? You are a hermaphrod- ite? And that means? You're kidding. No, no actually I knew that. Okay so you would have a handle on...you would have a fair idea of how both teams play. Okay, then how about umpiring. Sure we can get you two ° chest protectors? "Okay, is that pretty much it? "Yes, you sir. Oh, sorry. You ma'am. So last season you were a he and this season you're a she. Well that's alright -- we don't have to know the details. Oh, you have a protective cup you want to sell. Okay, well per- haps there's somebody here who recently changed the other way around? There you go -- the guy in the culottes over there. "Okay now is that about it? "Yes, you sir? You're confused, you're getting cranky, you just came to play baseball and the sun is going down already. Sir, you can be the cap- tain of my team." There was a time when I kind of liked that old expression used to describe a total incompetent: "Couldn't organize sex in a bordello." Unfortunately, it just ain't that easy anymore. Fair warning -- if you are of a new sex or you have invented a new sex or you prefer from-another-planet sex -- I urge you to go public and get it on the record now. We're going to close this thing off pretty soon. Signed copies of William Thomas' book "Malcolm and Me" can be mailed direct to you by sending $22 to Malcolm and Me, PO. Box 130, Port Colborne, Ont. L3K 5V8. Please include how you would like to have the book inscribed. The Canadian Club of Dur- ham Region will be holding its next dinner meeting at 6:30 p.m. Tuesday, May 10, at the ! Holiday Inn, Oshawa. A report on the National Con- ference held last fall, in Hamil- Canadian Club meeting May 10 ton, on the 100th anniversary of the Canadian Clubs, will be giv- en by Marguerite O'Connor and Victor Sangwine, president of the Canadian Club of Durham Region. An open invitation is warmly extended to anyone wishing to attend this dinner and interest- Ing program. For reservations, or member- ship inquiries, please call 571- 2679 or 668-4335. The Regional Municipality of Durham PUBLIC NOTICE Take notice that the Regional Municipality of Durham is a il Casa ee o Ss, Ee ARE es = di aR CEE RE ad DR. A. CHIA DR. J. COTTRELL DR. M. GARFAT DR. J. HARDY i Cosmetic Bonding Emergencies welcomed Insurance assignment (we collect from insurance companies) DR. T. KING (Orthodontist) CX Gentle Dental Care for the whole family We provide our patients: ® State-of-the-Art Care ® Comfortable atmosphere ® Relaxation techniques ® Nitrous Oxide (gas) ® ® 0 660 New patients always welcome! TOWN OF GEORGINA UXBRIDGE 238 QUEEN ST. ' PORT PERRY ) DENTAL | 985-8451 vo w Evening & Saturday appointments available submission made. Gemi-Lynn O'Connor a i fn] 2 Rs COLLAR a On > E533 a PICKERING Chairman, Planning Committee considering a by-law to name a portion of Regional Road 23 from the Uxbridge / Pickering Townline northerly to the Canadian National Railway line at Port Bolster as "Lake Ridge Road". The location of the renamed road is indicated on the map below. LAKE SIMCOE PORT BOLSTER BROCK REGIONAL ROAD 23 PROPOSED TO BE NAMED "LAKE RIDGE ROAD" RR RAR -- EEE ENNNENEEEERagampgg? to CCU OAE In order to assist in the evaluation of this proposed by-law, the public is invited to provide input by way of submission to the Region's Planning Department. Information relating to the proposed by-law is available in the offices of the Planning Department, located at Box 623, 1615 Dundas Street East, 4th floor, Lang Tower, West Building, Whitby Mall, Whitby, Ontario L1N 6A3 or by calling Richard Szarek at (905) 728-7731 (Whitby Line) / (905) 686-1651 (Toronto Line). Submissions conceming the proposed by-law must be submitted to the Commissioner of Planning at the above noted address and must be received no later than Friday, May 13, 1994. Please include your address and telephone number in any Dr. M. Michael, M.C.L.P. Commissioner of Planning