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"A Family Tradition for 128 Years" PORT PERRY STAR - Tuesday, March 14, 1995 -11 One man's story For the next few weeks, he spent time alone, going for walks and thinking deep- ly about what was occurring. A bomb had been dropped into the midst of his exist- ence and he had crawled from the rubble, dazed and battered. "It was very hard for the first month," he said. "I felt very dirty. I remember standing in the shower and scrubbing myself, scrubbing to the point where my skin was red because I felt so dirty and I had to get clean. There was this virus in me and I had somehow to get clean." He felt like Lady Macbeth, with her nightmarish bloody hands: "I wanted to wash it away. I wanted to get rid of it." All the while Ian kept working. The routine kept him together, prevented him from coming unhinged. Time and inner searching led him to accept what was occurring, and eventually he began to tell his friends. Always he provided them an escape route, explaining he would bear no grudges if they felt they were unable to handle the challenges ahead. Not one of them bailed out. "The amount of caring and the amount of love I got from people is incredible," he said. "I have a very large extended family as well as my blood fam- ily, and the support I get from both... I'm so lucky." As for the source of the virus, it no longer matters, really: "We don't know. The fact is, I will never know how I got infected." TAN'S SENSE ofthe wonder in the world was compounded just weeks after his diagnosis when he met the person who would become his soul mate and spouse. The bond was immediate, despite the spectre of HIV. "We had a lot of issues to deal with, more than the average relationship would," said Ian. "I mean, what if I die? What if I give it to my spouse? If I die, how are you going to carry on? "Are you sure you want to do this?" Together, they have worked it out. They are married. And they are looking at an uncertain future, together. "This disease isn't a killer that takes months, or a few weeks," said Ian. "It's years. And the final stages are hell. It's worse than cancer, or just as bad. It's very painful, and basically the people just wither away. You just become so infected with so many diseases, so many different things going on in your body, that your body can't fight them off. It's a very painful death, and it's very slow. "And the sad part is, most people die alone." THE STRENGTH of his relationship and a profound faith in his God have helped Ian Mahaffy deal day to day with the disease, and the effect it is having on his life. Not all the manifestations are internal. Profound faith has Ian deal day to day with the disease. Soon after his diagnosis, he told a few close friends at work what was happen- ing to him. He was shocked when they spread the word, and even more appalled when management called him on the car- pet to inform him he was being demoted, losing pay and benefits. He was lucky, they told him: He could be fired. The Ontario Human Rights Commission was called in and a deal worked out whereby Ian would be moved to a position that allowed him regular hours -- it's important he establish and keep a routine of sleep and healthy eat- ing to keep his health, and prevent the virus from gaining on him -- and guar- anteed his seniority, pay, and benefits such as life insurance were not jeopardized. But there were other problems. Co- workers began making callous and uncaring remarks about his illness, things he couldn't believe they were say- ing. The hotel hosted the Human Rights Commission and the People With AIDS committee, who held a seminar for the staff. They explained what AIDS is, how you get it, and, most important, how peo ple with the illness need to be treated with compassion and respect. TH] 0 FACT that the harass- ment and attempted demotion occurred at all left him feeling shaken and bitter. "This to me was driving home the message that people at the hotel werent comfortable with AIDS or HIV, and they certainly didn't know anything about dignity," he said. "AIDS is a disease people don't want to deal with." He had to stick with the job despite the hurt. "I had too much to lose," said Ian. "As difficult as it was, I couldn't leave." The stress at work continued to take its toll. Ian was questioned about his reg- ular visits to specialists, asked to supply doctor's notes to justify his occasional absence. Three weeks ago, acting on his doctor's advice, he opted to go on long- term disability. Now his days are his own, and he is devoting himself to conveying his mes- sage on HIV and AIDS. He and other speakers address school assemblies, churches, and prison inmates. He'd like to continue his work here at home. + I¢'simportant to shed light on HIV and AIDS now, Ian said. "I think until the word gets out and until we open a line of communication and start talking about it, start talking about how you get it, start talking about the support people need with it, things aren't going to change," he said. "I don't want to shove it in peoples' faces; that wouldn't be right. I think that people need to hear the message but if they don't want to hear it, then don't lis- ten. If you don't want to read this article, then don't read it. If people are interested and genuinely concerned, then that's where, I think, the outreach needs to be." A huge part of his message is that people with AIDS should not be seen as a threat and discarded by society. "The biggest thing is to be hugged," he said. "The biggest thing is to have the support of someone who's not afraid to go out for dinner, to give them a hug, to go to a movie -- to kiss. "I think the biggest thing is having A people give you a hug and say it's okay. Having people acknowledge the fact that you are (HIV) positive, but you're no dif- ferent from anyone else." And the mindset that AIDSis someone else's problem has to be disman- tled, Ian said. He understands that peo- ple are squeamish and even offended by frank talk about sex, lifestyles and AIDS, but contends that maintaining silence is no way to deal with a disease that is a very real threat to all of us -- straights and gays. | "Whether you realize it or not, you will know someone within the next 10 years that will contract this disease, and die of it," he said. "Whether you realize it or not, any- body having unprotected sex is at risk... Who in this town hasn't been at risk?" I'T'S THIS SENSE or mission that helps Ian remain optimistic in the face of his illness, and the inevi- table questions about death. His bad -days are few because he does not allow himself to wallow in fear and self-pity. - You have to be positive, he said, because the alternative is giving up. And giving up means certain death. "Everybody dies," he said. "That's the problem with North Americans: We think of death as an enemy and we think of death as a negative thing. You're going to die. Eve y is going to die someday. "When I die, I can't wait to see what happens. I'm sure God has all kinds of thing in store for me when I die. I know that when I die it's not the end; it's just a stage in my life when I'm passing from one part into another, so I don't look negatively on it, actually. "I don't want to say I'm looking for- ward to it, but I'm not afraid of it. When it comes, I won't be running from it. I'm going to go to the grave living until I die." Confronting his own mortality has brought about profound changes in Ian's life. He revels in the wonders all around him, and has learned respect and love for the people he encounters. He has learned not to waste time; he has learned to care for himself, and others, and to walk proudly. He genuinely believes he is part of a plan, a divine scheme that is being played out in his actions, and the actions of others. Ian has given himself over to it, and through that has embarked on a new voyage of self-discovery. "One of the biggest questions you always have growing up is, what is my purpose for being here -- why am I here? I can honestly say now that I'm here, where I'm at, I think this is my purpose. Because this is what God has called me to do: To talk about this -- to share with people God's love, to let people know God loves you. It doesn't matter who you are, or what you are or where you came from or where you're going, God loves you, God . created you to be who you are. And any- thing else than being true to yourselfis a lie. "It's a good feeling. It's a good feeling to finally feel that you have a purpose, that there's a reason for all of this. "There has to be a reason for this hap-- pening; there has to be. Some good has to come out of this somehow. I don't know how and I don't know where, but someth- ing good has to come out of this." That good will come in the form of knowledge, and understanding. Ian is committed to making that happen, and he is fearless. "SOME PEOPLE we going to listen, and some people aren't," he said. "The people that are listening, the people that are accepting it, will change their attitudes, will change their opinions, will come to the realization that it's happening in their community. They will come to the realization that it's hap- pening to the people next door. That it's happening to you. "If we can bring God back into it and the fact that God is love, that God's grea- test commandment is love thy neighbor - as thyself, then maybe we'll turn this around; maybe things will start to improve. It's time the silence was broken. It's time to come out fighting. "Too many people are dying."