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PORT PERRY "WEEKEND STAR" FRIDAY, JANUARY 14, 2000 - 9 Why I hate being a film critic: The worst of '99 ge. SCREENING By John Foote Lots to choose from here, in fact, my first draft of this list topped 100 bad films. Once again, as always will be the prob- lem, the almighty dollar governs the movie industry. It does not matter if a film is dreadful or not; the question remains, will the pic- ture 'make money? If the answer to that question is yes, then you can bet your life savings that film is being made. For every good film that is released, there are 15 to 20 bad films, which can make life as a crit- ic a living hell. For much of 1999, 1 wan- dered from movie theatre to movie the- atre in search of something at least half- decent. From January through to August, cinema was a virtual wasteland, as the studios seemed to take a perverse plea- sure in insulting audiences with the garbage they could release and make money with. | Once again we have a list made of remakes of dreadful TV shows, sequels, or the usual rip-offs of solid pictures. This year we also have several major studio films from major directors that were brutal in their quality, leaving me to wonder: Who are the executives in Hollywood green-lighting the films? Listed below are the 10 worst films of the year, in order of disdain. Following are several runners-down. a LAKE PLACID... Television golden boy David E. Kelly, the creator and pro- ducer of quality small screen fare such as Ally McBeal and The Practice, wrote and produced this dreck that attempts to be a tongue in cheek horror film. In a small lake in Maine, a killer crocodile is feasting on the locals. Sound familiar? Jaws it is not. The plot is incredibly stupid because we are supposed to believe this giant croc swam across the ocean to get here, where it was taken in by loony local Betty White who feeds the thing cattle when it is not chowing down on swimmers. The visuals are bad, the dialogue pathetic, and the acting is embarrassing. Betty White exists in this film to swear and the great Irish actor Brendan Gleason looks ashamed of himself. They all should be; this is among the worst movies ever made. a WILD WILD WEST...Obviously a bud- get of $140 million does not buy a screen- play, which is among the countless prob- lems with this bloated, oh-so dumb film based on a mildly popular TV series of the 60s. Box office giant Will Smith met his Waterloo this summer with this insipid, ridiculous film that attempts to merge western cinema with science fiction, and again with comedy and...God help us all..rap. The special effects look like they were created with Tinker Toy sets, and the great expanse of the American west never look so tired. Director Barry Sonenfeld is a legitimate talent, but what he was doing here I have no idea. 0 RANDOM HEARTS... Another sure thing: Harrison Ford in a romantic thriller. Well, that used to be a sure thing, the problem being, of course, audiences are far more sophisticated than ever, and Ford is getting a tad long in the tooth for such roles. But hey, the guy tries to work up some heat for his icy co-star Kristin Scott-Thomas, who | am sure, has no pulse. In any film she has starred in, be it the vastly over-praised The English Patient (1996) or The Horse Whisperer (1998) she is the dead weight that drags the film down to a quick death. Here she and Ford are strangers who find out their spouses were cheating on them, and died for their trouble in a plane crash. Of course, the smart thing to do is have an affair of their own. Yep, that sure is believ- able. Ford should don the Indiana Jones hat again before we remember he is a lim- ited actor. a THE MOD SQUAD...Another TV remake of a mildly popular series from the late 60s and early 70s. Now, let me ask you this: what the hell is mod in the 90s? Right, it is a problem. Second, the young cast of major talents are given nothing to do but yell, look wounded, and chase the bad guys. There are no moment of excite- ment, no surprises, and not a perfor- mance in the film. Giovanni Ribisi, Clare Danes, and Omar Epps, all strong actors, are wasted, and quite frankly, look embar- rassed. This worked in the 60s because it was daring; now it is simply ludicrous. 0 INSPECTOR GADGET...Yet another remake of a TV series, this time the mild- ly popular Canadian series Inspector Gadget which was voiced by the annoying Don Adams. Matthew Broderick is the security guard nearly killed by the das- tardly Claw, and is pieced back together as the outlandish Gadget. Lame storyline, dumb screenplay, bad effects, and a smarmy Broderick led this critic to want to run screaming from the theatre. One of the downsides to the job...I cannot leave. 0 THE HAUNTING...Director Jan de Bont got lucky once with a taut thriller called Speed (1994) which featured a focused and silent Keanu Reeves in the role of his life. Since then, de Bont has never again displayed the promise he did with Speed, and with The Haunting he seems to become a hack on the level of John Landis. Mysterious house, visual effects that look like computer generated effects, and a dreadful cast make for one long stay in this haunted house. | would sooner have had a root canal. One can only speculate as to what the great actress Lily Taylor was doing here, obviously nothing more than picking up a pay- cheque. a GREY OWL..My comments about Pierce Brosnan constantly get me in trou- ble. Let's call a spade a spade...he cannot act, he can barely register an emotion. | doubt he can read, but he is one good looking guy. Is that reason to cast him in Grey Owl? If director Richard Attenborough was the least bit serious about making this work would he not have cast Daniel Day Lewis, or someone with at least limited acting ability? Mike Myers would have been a better choice than this monosyllabic Bond wanna-be. A $40 mil- lion Canadian film that died a quick and merciful death posing the question: when Please turn to page 13 7560) * Quality Windows and Doors for: ~ = Replacement - New Home Construction REPLA WINDOWS AND DOORS - A. 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