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SATURDAY, APRIL 30 Bennett Cerf: Try And Stop Me AY FRASER, Toronto socialite and beauty queen, tells of a Canadian prep school whose band failed to satisfy the trustees. So they hired a formidable band master from London, whose military bearing and bristl- ing mustache promptly scared the bejabers out of the thirty-four lads in the band. Came the day of the first home football game, and the bandmaster was still totally dissatisfied with the progress -- or lack of same -- his charges had made. Before they marched out on the field, he gave them a final admonition. "Men," he barked, "remember there are thirty-four of you. So when I give the signal, if youre not sure you can play the piece, fake it. The others will cover you." The band struggled onto the field. Thirty-four musicians raised their instruments. The band leader blew his whistle--and not one sound was heard! * w * Oliver Herford defined winter as the season when suburbanites struggled to keep the house as hot as it was in August when they complained about it. Julius Tannen had another definition for winter: a time when gentlemen befur blondes. * * * Out in California, a husky six-foot athlete sued his tiny, Dresden china wife for divorce, charging cruelty. "Give me an example of her cruelty," challenged the skeptical judge. "Well, when I came home from work one evening," recalled the athlete, "I found a brown derby on the table." "What's cruel about that?" asked the judge. "Your Honor," said the athlete, "I cannot live with a woman who wears a brown derby." "But Grace, what am I going ONTARIO TODAY Jest A to do with this?" ""As a start, give up two things--solids and liquids." Today's Crossword Across One sample of it has grond value in America. (5, 5) A rag-time affair Alexander's was. (4) "Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and are all very good words the lips' (Dickens). (5) Scmewhat alarming emergence from a sample cot! (9) Any ace re-entry may give one occasion to celebrate. (9, 4) So to purify may be a wild desire to scold. (8) What tongue is this? Latin originally. (6) for Well, i There's cbviously real sub- stance in the content it yields, (6) It's one way to insure self- detachment. (8) What Bildad, Eliphaz ond Zophar hoped t> make of their Down up in smoke. (4) The kind of dream that goes friend? (4, 2,1, 3, 3) Make certain when in the red it's recovered. (9) Take it easy -- you may end with a broken axle. (5) | go back mostly to produce a mystic. (4) Interpolates perhaps stem tries. (10) SOLUTION ON PAGE 34 The Psalmist opparently did: not have much confidence in them. (7) Acknowledgments of useful- ness. (13) Curt remark by the umpire, . announcing the {uncheon inter- val? (8) Often late, but sure to bring news. (5) Undesirable fellow, undobuted- ly of bod taste. (1, 2, 3) 8 11 13 16 18 20 22 23 Disfigure puss indeed -- that's limited. (10) Not the exercise involved in "Shake the bottle." (8, 5) Presumably takes precedence over the black or goose type. (5-5) Starts like 19 ac., but then suggests 7 dn. . (8) In which one hopes to call cor- rectly. (7) Turkey cock with an undigested blcb inside him. (7) Such strings often retord a mon on the way to court, (5) A kiss is forming g strong alliance here, (4) © © 09 © 0 00 0 00 0 0 9 90 0 0 0 00 000 FP SPS EPO L ELSE SELES Nee ee : PAGE THIRTY-THREE Now---Sal Hepatica gives you TIME-CONTROLLED Laxative Action In the morning a busy person wants a laxative that works quickly. Sal Hepatica works fast while you're active -- brings relief usually within one or two hours. Sal's pleasant fizzing action helps overcome the discom- forts of acid indigestion. And at night you want a laxative that won't disturb your sleep. Sal Hepatica works slowly while you rest, lets you wake up to wonderful relief. Antacid Sal He- patica dissolves easily, refreshes your digestive system, and is.always dependably effective. Get gentle relief when you want it-- with 3209 TERE EERER FEE I EI I BI BEI BFS NE BA BA BA I BR LR J . - --. -- © 0 00 0000000000606 00006000000000000000000000000s PARKDA\: Te Jona? words wer dei HALL MARK The perfect choice, anytime Sold at your local liquor store and these Toronto PARKDALE WINE stores: 181 Bathurst St. Em. 3-3647 1157 St. Clair Ave. W. LE. 3-3341 501 Church St. WA. 3-9393 371 Yonge St. EM. 6-5746 In Kirklond Loke: 40 Government Rd. Phone 1215 900 QUILT PATCHES CUT TO SIZE -- NO WASTE Sewing Articles, 20 for $1.00 Different cards, SCHAEFER, B370, Drummondville ONLY 7A] BUY - SELL - RENT NEWSPAPER WANT ADS Can Help You needles, threads, nylons. patterns, QUEBEC