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the HERALD Wednesday October 23 Community Page SB Family Violence Rescuers must learn to care for themselves By JACIEB PALMER Herald Special Rescuer is a good term to describe some women who con tinue to live with or exist within a violent relationship A rescuer wants to see those around her reach their potential and she believes that with her superior help care and concern an abusive male will change his behavior Women by their very natures are nurturing and giving and this is further reinforced by stereotypical societal values A rescuer may see herself as lovingly caring for her husband and family They are her first priority and she takes upon herself responsibility for their wellbeing When they are sad disappointed or angry she takes the blame somehow believing she has done or said something to bring out these emotions Women have been conditioned to be responsible givers adapters who are submissive to those around them The rescuer will need to have a very serious crisis to realize that she is responsible for noones hap piness but her own The rescuer may be taking such good care of everyone else that she has forgotten her own needs She may be economically deprived by her abusive husband while the rest of the family is cared for at a much higher stan dard of living In an abusive rela tionship it becomes easy for a male to blame his spouse for his disappointments and piness He constantly reinforces the idea that she is somehow to blame for the abuse that she is not trying hard enough to unders tand or to meet his needs A rescuer wants to take the misery away She wants to uplift those around her a prime candidate to listen to and to believe his pity party which consists of cornplaining about every little incident which disrupts his day Each sad tale reaches into the depth of her heart and places instinctively a hunger to nurture to care for and to rescue this individual She may recognize hes been abused in the past and see clearly his lack selfesteem thats masked in a gruff exterior She has forgotten herself She thinks only of him and his needs His life appears so sad and full of uncaring in dividuals He is unloved and has not fulfilled his business and per sonal dreams What she doesnt realize is that this man doesnt want to or need to change He has been living like this successfully for most of his life Living off rescuers works He saves money by using his vic tims experiences love and caring at its best and never has to let down his wall of ice and continues to take He never has to deal with his lack of trust and his inability to deal with commitments When the going gets tough he just moves on and drifts into another relationship and leans on yet another woman For rescuers the psychological abuse iBdeadly even without the physical violence The abuser starts subtly until he sees the reception and then becomes stronger using comments such as Its your fault If only youd You didnt think of Why didnt you know That gets to the rescuer every tune He has her totally hooked on him Rescuers feed on the giving They just love to see thosq around them happy and cared Tor and they love to take the credit for the positive environment thats been created Rescuers need to recognize that they must gain their happiness in life from their own lives and not by feeding off those around them Rescuers often feel a little unappreciated because others dont recognize their selfless contribution Their behavior while positive is de viant from the norm Everyone should be helpful to those around them but not at the expense of personal fulfillment Rescuers are wrong Instead of helping their abusers they are hurting them by further sublimating the problem An abuser needs to recognize his nature Rescuers need to realize they are not responsible for others unhappiness and angry natures Feel free to contact Jade by directing letters to her attention at the Herald All correspondence will remain confidential Should yon wish to speak Jade call the Distress Centre at and your call will be returned If you are a woman or child in crisis or an abusive male wanting help call the Distress Centre or dial United Way Distress Centre on call By LORRAINE Herald Special Faced with a stressful situa tion One that perhaps you alone cant resolve Where can you turn for help The answer may be a phone call away to the North Distress Centre The Centre one of 19 member agencies of the Hills United Way was created in when a group of concerned citizens recognized the need for an anonymous crisis intervention telephone service During its 18- year history countless lonely distressed abused and troubled individuals have received con fidential and nonjudgmental help when they most need it Whether its emotional support in a time of stress suicide prevention or simply an in formation service on the agencies and other available services in this area the Distress Centre is there 24 hours a day seen days a week The Centre also operates as an afterhours contact number for other serices such as the Cancer Society and drug abuse As Judith Rasanen director of the Centre explains We have trained volunteers whose role is not to offer advice or counselling but to lend a sympathetic and caring ear And when needed they can also provide referral in formation on other agencies or services The Centres daily phone calls ranging from as few as five to more than 20 a day are a reliable barometer that measures the mental health and stability of the Halton Hills community A wor risome increase in both the total number of calls and the increas ingly desperate nature can be at tributed to the economic hard ships many residents are facing We find that more than half the number of the phone calls are related to family problems Moreover a large number centre around employment concerns With many residents out of work financial difficulties are at the heart of many of todays crises notes Rasanen The Distress Centre receives about to percent of its finan cial support from the United Way of Halton Hills You can make the difference this year Please give generously to the United Way and help someone in need Lorraine Is a GeorgetoM reelanci- writer and public relations con sultant PLAY Hobdays YOU COULD WIN ONE OF TRtPS TO EITHER FLORIDA OR THE CARIBBEAN SEE DETAILS AT STORE CUT FROM CANADA GRADE AT BEEF REMOVED Outside Round Roast ASSORTED VARIETIES Jane Parker Potato Chips OUR LOW PRICE GUARANTEE tor on tfw ntgutar pric of ttw Kama Hi PARTLY SKIMMED WADE A FRESH 2 MILK LARGE EGGS White BREAD BUTTER SUGAR OTflLOAF IB PACKAGE REGULAR OR DIET PLUS PER BOTTLE DEPOSIT CocaCola or Canada Dry BOTTLE Unit per 100 59 REGULAR OR DIET QMI coot 100 CASE OF TINS CocaCola or Sprite LMTC coupon par OTPP 599 Prices effective thru Saturday October 26 1991 to limit to normal family Coupon Kama llmrtad to two 8 LITRE BOX FREE WITH BLEACH ULTRA 4 LITRE BOX OR Original Tide Detergent 499 WITH COUPON BELOW HIM OR HER STYLES SELECTED SIZES Huggies Diapers 799 with this M mm SAVEto6 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