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Sunday Januarys 1992 Community Family Violence Why must you always hurt the one you love By JACIE PALMER Herald Special In the past few weeks I ve spent time speaking with a man I know has repeatedly physically emo tionally and sexually abused a woman he professes to love very much I often remark to myself on the senselessness of family violence The phrase says You always hurt the one you love but when the hurt is devastating and debilitating to the persons ed there is something very wrong in a relationship During our recent tions I pointed out to this man as graphically as possible his own violent nature I ve told him about another man whose tion is markedly similar There is the emotional abuse the sexual abuse the alcoholic haze the womanizing and the physical assarts that are so very prevalent in his own relation ships He continually repeats But I m not abusive like he is re darn right this man is abusive He simply refuses to see his acts as violence He denigrates the acts and perhaps because of the alcoholism he ly doesn t remember some of his actions Growing up in a violent home has conditioned his responses and taught him that violence can control I tried to talk to him about the negative impact their life is ing on his victim He was em in his belief his victim has no knowledge of stress Vet I have seen the victim hysterical HELP US HELP OURSELVES and upset to the point where I wondered if she d survive or would have a nervous breakdown Daily she lives the struggle and must remind herself to just take care of today and tomorrow will take care of itself I admired her conduct throughout her ordeal but should she have to face this trauma She needs to overcome her emotional dependency on this man But how She is constantly in undated brow beaten made to feel guilty and otherwise con trolled by her abuser She is not a The children of this relation ship are the silent victims They listen to their parents individual ly and collectively discuss the dissolution of the relationship and problems in the home Physical would be easy for them to put up with but the constant Up in the air family life is psycological abuse at its finest They wonder who will be there for them in the morning They wonder about mom safety They hide inside themselves They keep the family secret Any parents forcing their children to live this way should be counselled by those around them A friend remarked that he cannot feel sorry for the two adults in this relationship but he very con cemed for the long term effects on children A mother liv ng in fear for her life and fear her children will be abducted is not and cannot be rational How can she hope to build and maintain a life in these circumstances Children of abuse react in two basic ways they either become behavioral pro or they internalize their fears and withdraw from those around them These children of violence will have problems in school pro blems developing and maintain ing friendships but most im portantly they could develop into abusers or be unable to function in our society because of their reaction to the trauma of abuse to which they ve been subjected We as parents must learn to deal with our problems in positive ways Our children should not be pawns in divorces or subjected to viewing or being a part of domestic violence As a Celebrating the new year The family took time to sign the guest list during the New Year s Day Levee at the Halton Hills Civic Centre Wednesday afternoon Clock wise from bottom Devon parents Valerie and Bruce Brooke and friend Herald Photo Say I saw it in The Herald relative or friend watching an abusive relationship we should kindly point out to these lira tional adults the damage they are imparting on their children Feel free to contact by directing letters to her attention at the Herald All correspondence will remain confidential Should you wish to speak to Jade call the Distress Centre at 1211 and your call will be returned If you are a woman or child in crisis or an abusive male wanting help call the Distress Centre or dial 911 food stores target OPEN 24 HRS 7 DAYS A WEEK 51 ST GEORGETOWN eh I tore Join us for a Cozy Cup of Tea in our Old Fashioned Tea Room or order one of our Home made Meals from our specially prepared menu Now also serving Weekend Breakfast Terra Cotta General Store Tea Room The little Room With Lots of Taste King Street TERRA COTTA On LOP 1 NO POSTAGE BLOWOUT THIS YEARS POSTAGE AST YEi PRICES XT LAST YEAR iTiV New Prices Effective Jan 1 1992 Can42 USA46 International Buy 1040 stamps Can now and receive remaining postage FREE value DELREX SMOKE SHOP GEORGETOWN MARKET PLACE 8779284 We offer businesses 5 discounts on stamps