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\ A Serious Humorljit. -My Btory ia a sad one, and Won't take long to tell To any sort ot metre I can suit it just as well. You'll uudorstand my misery before the tale ia doue. It all began one baploss dayâ€" the day I made pun: And ever aince that fatal hour the psoplo do do claru That I became a humorist, alas! right then and thero; Though to bo cousiilorod seriona I'd idvo a lot of money, Whatever I may say or do, they will insist it'd funny. I might perhaps have since escaped the direful consequences Had I not penned a feeble joke wheu hardly in my senses. 'Twas printuil iu a papor of tremendous circula- tion. And 1 was dubbed a humorist by all the laughing nation. In vaiu I tried to prove myself a liboUed indi- vidual, The fatal truth confronted meâ€" tbo joke was quite ori«in»l. Whero'er I weut there followed me that dread- ful rtiputatii)u. And every word I spouo aroused uproarious cachiuuatiou. If I remarked in casual tones upon the gloomy weather. The people lauRhod 'intil they cried, and laughed and cried together ; Wheu I t^ave iufoxmation of some accident dis- tressing. They roared with mighty merriment exceedingly d«presBing: And when I failed in busioosH, and despairing told my wife, She, laughmg, vow'd I'd never been so funny in my life! I dressed in sombre black, assumed a grim, fuuereal air. And spoke in weo-euveloped tones, uiy face dis- traught with care. I wept a little when 1 could, all steep'd iu melan- choly. But people only laughed again, and whispered, "Aiu't ho jolly! " In fact, the more that I became a sacritlce to sadness. The more I met the wretched glue that drove mo near to madness. Full half my time is spent declining pressing in- vitations To humorous bamiuets and to write for comic publications. And scentecLnutus and letters couched iu words as sweet as honey â€" "Now won't you send your autograph'.* andpluaso to make it fuuuy." If 1 should sink beneath my trials, and' leavu this mortal spliero. The world would give mo creilit for the best joke of the year; And doubtless folks who came to gaze upon my monument Would tiiid it iiuite impossible to keep their laughter pent. 'Tis useless to deny it now, alackl the mischief's done. And I must be a humorist, tbo' an unconscious one. I've only this request to make, which no one cau resist ; Please call mo in my epitaph the Serictia Humorist, HOW TO BLEACH THE HAIB. Only One Way, and That a Poisonoua One, to Obtain Golden I-ocks. TUB ItLACK WATCH. Death of Sir Uuacau Canierun, the Veteran Culouel of the Ueglment. General Sir Duncan Ale.xander Cameron, G.C. B., died at Blackheath on Thursday last. This distingaiahed officer was bom in the year 1808, and the date of hia lirst oommiasion was 1825. He became captain in 1833, major in 1839, colonel in 18(>4 and major-goneral in 18o9, and tinally won the full rank of (jeneral after nearly fifty years of service. Ue was placed on the retired list in 187S. He served with distinction throaghoat the war in the Crimea, where he was in command of the 12nd High- landers (the Black Watch) at the battle of the Alma, and commanded the Highland Brigade at the battle of Balaclava. He was farther engaged in the expedition to Eertch and at the seige of Bebastopol, and in the assaalt on the Redan of the 18th of June. For his serviceB he was mentioned in deepatchea and received the medal with three clasps, as woU as many foreign dis- tinctions. He was made an officer of the Legion of Honor, and received also tbo Sardinian and Turkish medals and the 3rd class of the Medjidie. At the end of the war he received his C. B. In the Now Zealand war, 1803-11.7, he waa in oommand of the forces and conducted the operationg at Kulikara, Koliasoa, Trangiriri, the Oate Fah and other battles. For those services ho was again mentioned in despatches gained the medal, received the thanks of the Legislative Council of the colony, and was promoted to K. C. B. Sir Danoan Cameron waa made colonel of hia old regiment, the Black Watch, in 18l>3, and he was Governor of the Military College at Sandhurst from 1803 to 1875. In 1873, on hia attaining the rank of general, he was promoted to be G. C. B. Sir Danoan married ia 1873 Flora, daughter of Dr. Andrew Maclean ; she died in 1875.â€" Xiimion Times, June 1 Ith. Fur and About Women. Madame Andre, the portrait painter, has given all her jewels, valued at $20,000, to the Paris Philanthropic Society. I'undita Ramabal has already sooarod about 950,000 toward tbo fund she is raising to establish a school in India for Hindoo widows. Mias Linda Gilbert has dsvoted 15 years and moat of her fortune to prison reform. Bbe has established 22 libraries iu the prisons of ditferent States, and found employment for C.OOO ex-oonviota. In Calcutta, a society of native young men for promoting the marriage of girl widows haa been formed. Another has existed for some time, whose membera promise not to marry little girls, nor tbsmaelvea to marry so early aa baa been tbe oastom. A number of ladiea in Philadelphia get their bonnets very cheaply by having a clever milliner oat of employment come to tho house. They pay her $5 a day, and in one day she trims up the bonnets and hats for all the women iu the family. Here ia a retleotion from tho Reflector : How women can manage to ait bolt upright and not change a poaition, looking neither to tho right nor left, during a sermon in church passes the understanding. A man will ait on the picket fence all tho afternoon to see a ball match, but put hini in a church pew for three-quarters of an hoar and he will wobble all over the scat. A Wall-Fuunded Report. Misa E thel (confidentially)â€" Do you know, Clara, that I had two offers of marriage last week ? Misa Clara (with enthusiasm)â€" Oh, I am delighted, dear! Then the report ia really true that your undo left you his money. There ia ?25,000 iu New York awaiting the order of John Anthony Barnes, who lefi Boston in 1868 and haa not sinee been heard from. It is dilfloalt to stem any atory in which champsgna ia introduced, saye the Now York GTiiphic. There is a sparkle in the looks of tho word, an easy sense of opulence in its Boand that wins its way into the most trnth-gaarded oolarnns of a. newspaper. One of tho iLoat beguiling of these cham- pagne stories ia that women aao it for bleaching their hair. It reappears with the periodical recurrence of the aea aerpent. The thought of lovely woman lloating her locks in a bottle of champagne is always too much for the auaceptible youth who works the scissors, and in it goes. Now, the fact is that not even a boarding-school girl would diwt champagne from its natural naes to this end. The experiment in the first place ia too coatly, in the second place women are like creatures to oaraelvsa. They would rather drink it. How- ever, a number of different hair- dressers have been interviewed on the sab- jeot. The result of these investigations must be painful to the exchange reader and hia fervid imaginings. One and all agree that there ia no authority for saying that champagne will bleach the hair. The effervescent quality of champagne might lighten the hair a little, aa will acids, but something farther ia reijaired. Natarnlly each hairdresser ia ready to produco that aomething farther. This ia in every caae a colorloas liquid. At one place it ia called, we will say, " Dawn ;" in another " Liqnide d'Or." At a third it appears as under some musical and beguiling syllable, meaning nothing. In every case it is assured that this magical colorless liciaid ia the only thing that will bleach the hair without destroying it. There are also other preparations, to which a good deal of care has been given to providing them with musical names, to turn hair red, chestnut and other dusired tints. In each case the question was plumply asked, " Do you know anything about peroxide of hy- drogen ?" Yes, it will bleach the hair, but it is a powerful acid and will rain it. Now tho Dawn' (or the 'Liquids d'Or' or the 'Aure- ole,' as the case might be) has been analyzed and ia medically pure." To settle all these conllicting claims and testimony an attempt waa made to inter- view Mr. Charles Meyers, the theatrical wig-maker. Mr. Meyers hadgonetoEaropo, but he had left in hia place an able assistant, who waadealing out face powder of different tints with a small aooop to waiting cus- tomers. As he was busy he was laconic, but his brief words carried oonvictiou of their trnthfulnosB. '^*S^^J9ti " What do you use to bleach hair '? " " Peroxide of hydrogen, with ammonia added to make it stronger." " How does it bleach the hair ? " " It ia a powerful acid, and .bleaches by burning the hair." " Doesn't that injure the hair '? " "Certainly â€" ruins it." " Why do you do it, then ? " " People want it." " Will nothing else bleach the hair;?" " Nothing." " What, then, i.s ' Dawn'?' " " Peroxide of hydrogen." " What ia ' Liquide d'Or?' " " Peroxide of hydrogen." " What ia * Aureole ?'" " Peroxide of hydrogen." " What doea peroxide of hydrogen took like'.'" " Water." There seemed to be nothing more to be asked on that subject. i^'^'Ty ^S3i Some faeo powder was bought as emol- lient for the young man, and while he waa scooping and bo.'iing a few more questions wwro ventured : " What will turn hair cbcstauf I" " Peroxide ot hydrogen." " Them what will turn it rod .' " peroxide of hydrogen." He laid down the box of powder, took ap 25 cents in exchange, put it in the till, then folded his arms on the ooanter, leaned on them, and thus delivered himaelf : "There are bat two things you can do with hair. Yoa can bleach it and yon can dry it. If we should put a dozen pieces of hair that looked alike in a bath of poroxid» ot hydrogen they would come oat â€" more likely than not â€" all different. It would bo owing to the different color tendency of the hair which tbo oily pigment hides. One might be oheatnut, another red, another gold and another tlax. That'a all there ia o£it." " Yes, very well, thank you, air. But, please," calling thia back from tbe door, " do you suppose that borax or bicarbonate of soda woala bleach the hair .'" Tbo young man struggled with his foel- inga and then answered suavely : " Yoa can keep your hair clean with borax and aoda, and while keeping it clean allow ita natural color to show. But iu thus drying out all the natural oila you in- jure the soft and ailky texture of the hair, which ia a great part of its beauty. Good morning. Not at all." f COl'YIUOIIT, THE HEAB. Sy:?^:»'i'0;VSS »V THK OISEASE.-DuU, h^ivy lu-adacho, obstractiim of iImi luusiil p«K.'!ii",c.s. cliseliargcs falliiitr I'nim tbe lio;id into tho throat, sometiim-s profuse, watery, and acrid, at others, thick, tenacious, mucoim, purulent, bloody and putrid; the eyes are weak; tliero is rini,'in(t ill tho ears, deafness, liaekinir in- eoiit,'hiiiif to ele:ir tho throat, expectoration ii( olteusivo mat- ter, ti):<ether with siabs frfim ulcers; the voice is chumfeil and hiutt'-iiusiil t'.van;;": the hrcaih is offensive; smell and tnsto unpaired; there is a eoiisiuion >f dizzineBs. with mental drnns- 'Uoii, a biiekiiiB' eniisrh and iren.'ml debility. Only a few of tho njiove-iianied eyinptoin.1 are llkelv to be present In unv one ease. 'Iliousands of eases annually, irithou!^ manifestiiiK Imlf of ilm iibove symptoms, r<'<iilt in consumption, and end in the urnive. .No di.i-jiise 18 81) common, iiiun' deei'ptivo and danirerous, less iinilerjtood. or more iiiisucc-essfiiiiy treated by physiciaus. If you wiuild remove an evil, sirilts at iti runt. -Va tli^' predisposing or real cauBO of eatari-ii is, in the majority of oases, eoiiie weakiii"38, iiiijiurity. or othenvisi! faulty condition nf tlie svBtem. in utteniptinif to euro tho iliwaso our <7iie/ aim must In' • hrected Iu '.'i« rciuoi\il o/ that r,i>uK. The iiiori' we .see of this o.lious di.sea.f.\ and wo treat suiT.ssfullv thmigands of ea.sis nii- iiually.it the IinMjids' Hotel and .-iurtfieal Institute, the more do we realtee the iinnortaiice of eoniliiniiiif with the use of u local, foothills and lieahnif ajipli(.-ation. a (/joroiiy/i cmd persistant imtr- â- inl use of blood-cleaiisinif and i;>aio medicines. In eurmi!- eatjirrli and all the various diseaseH with v.'liifh it is tio (ri'(|iiently complieati'd, aa throat, lipMic'liial, and iiinx disi'iiaifs, weak stomach, ui- larrliiil deafne.ss, w^ak or inflamed eyes, iiiipuro bl lo.l. serofiiloii.s .rul oilier taints, tin! wonder- ful pn-veni and virliirsof Dr. I'ierce's (iiddeii .Med- i-aMiii>t, b" too str'ii:.rly â-  xtolled. It lias a specillc COir!l(iC!< SeNSEI effect upon the linmif mucous membranes of the nasal and other uir-passasres, promoiintf the nutiiral secretion of their follicles and tflaiida. thereby B(dt<'niiii? the diseiiised and thickened nM'uibrane, iukI restoriiiK "it to its natural, thin, delicate, moist, healthy con- dition. As a hlood-purillcr, it is uiisurjHL'.sed. Ah those dis<'US08 which complicate catarrh ai'c diseases ot tlie lminf< mucous mem- brane.'), or of the blood, it will riadily be seen why this medicine is so well calcuhtted to euro them. .\s a local application for healinif thediseadodcondi- I tiou in the liead, Dr. Saire's Catarrh Keme<ly is iK'yond 1 all comparison the best, pn'paration ever invented. It is mild and pleasant to use, produeinir no siiiartinB' or pain, and cnntainiiitj- no stronB, irritutiiiK, or caus- ' tic drufr, or other poison. This ltem<'dy is a power- LOGiL Ageht. lul iinlist'ptic, liunies bo mai those who eul and Bp«irdiiv destro ust-s of cutocrh, tl from this disease. all httd tioiell which accoin- puiiies BO maiiy cust-s of catacrh, tluis lUTurdint; tfreat eumiort to gurfir r - . pEHMiNEHT OURES. Tho Golden Medical Discovery is the natural " helpiiiate " of Ur. Snue's Catarrh Heiiiedy. It not only cleanses, purities, re^fulates. and builds up tlie system to a healthy standard, imd con- ijuers thruut, hronehial, and lung coinplhationa. when any such e.Tist, but. from it.'f specillc oir< ets upon the liiiinjf niemhraiie of the nasal jiassaKefl. it aids materially in restonu)? the discusL<l, lliii keiied. or ulcerated nieni- brimc to a healthy condition, and thus eradicates the diseasu. When a cure is etfecte 1 in this manner i( i« per77iuncjit. Doth Dr. Pierce's Colden Medical Discovery and Dr. Page's Catarrh Uemedy an; sold by drutttfisls the world over. Discovery $1,110, SIX bottles lor Sn.M. Dr. i-a(fe'8 Caturrli iluuiedy 5U c-ents: half-dozen bottles S2..".0. A complete Treatise on Catarrh, (fivinif valuable liints as to clolhintr, diet, and other matters of Impurtanef. will be mailed, p<'st-puid to any address, on receipt of a if-t-eiit p<»statfe stufnp. .\ddre;«, AVorld's DiiipeiiMary TEcdical .^HKUciation^ No. liiy Main .-^tri.'et, UukfaU), N. Y. vi:getabi.e, Dr. Pierce's Pellets operito without ilistiirhance to the system, diet, or oeeiiiratioii. Put up in k'sss Muls. hermetically seirted. .VIwhvs fresh and rclia- Mi'. .As 11 irentle laxative, alterative, or active purcallve, th»y (five the most perfect satltfaotlon. Rillonn Iloadarhr. Dizziiiew, ronntipntion, ItidiKCKtioii, UilioiiN .Ittarka, and all ieruuMc- nii-rifs ,it rhi- str>iiiaeh and howeJs. are prf^imptty p'- lieved and |)erimuiently cured bv tbe use of Dr. IPlcree'a Pellcta. In explanation of their remedial power <iver so irreat a variety of diseases, it may truthfully be said that their action upon the system is universal, not a gland or tissue escapini? their .sanativp inlluenc-e. itBDBfllctnrcd ij WUKLD'S DtSPENSABt nEllirAI/ AN8OCUTI0N, WA^HKD IN nvaULK BLOOD. Land of Fire. In Terro del Fuego, as a sea captain tolls a San Franoisoo Kxamirier reporter, a sheep or a baby is oonaidered a fair eiiuivalont for a plag of tobacco or a bunch of matches. If the choice ot the price be given he will always givo the baby, as there ia a much greater demand for aheep than for young Fuogans. * ' * Though the Faegana are very low in the humau scale, they are careful not to offend the eyes of strangers. An explorer approaching a boat sees only the boat-looking squaw of the party. Bhe handles a paddle at tbe stern and steers the boat. Ucr leas eomely sister â€" there are always two families on a boat â€" is hidden ignominioaaly under the teats. » It haa generally been believed that tbo reduction in average height of French soldiers which followed Napoleon's wars, due, of course, to tho immanse slaughtoc in those campaigns, made all of those soldiers tho shortest in Kurope. But, according to a high medical and military authority iu Kussia, the minimum height of the Kua- siaii and the French conscript ia about eciual â€" live feet ; while in moat other Burop'-an countries tho mLuimuin ranges from livo feet one inch to five feet three inch 'S. Blioâ€" And do you really think yon would be happy with me aa your wife ? Ho â€" Oh, I am sure I have always been a laoky fel- low in games of chance. Tbe Ceremonies with TITIilch an Ashautee K1dk'» Birthday is Celebrated. Wbon>u Aahantee King dies a hnman sacrifice of '200 victims a week is o£Ferod for three montha. A King'a mother died in IHIO and her aon alaughtered :J,000 peo- ple, '2,000 being persona juat captured from the Fantis. To mako up the tale every big Ashantee town had to give 100 and every small town ten victims. A royal burial ia a horrible spectacle. At tho bottom of a huge grave are laid the heads of the slain. On them the cof&n reata. Then juat before the earth is thrown in one of the bystanders â€" a freeman, if of some rank so much tho bettorâ€" is anddenly olabbod, and a gaah made in the back of his neck, and he ia rolled in upon the coffin. The idea ia to send along with the crowd of slaves and prisoners some one who shall look after them aa a ghostly " major domo," aaya a writer in " All th^ Year Ueund." " For a King there remaina yet another " ouatom." At the end of thirty moons the grave ia opened, tho royal bonsa faatanod together with gold wire and the skeleton placed in a long building divided into oella, the doorways to which are hung with silk curtains. iThen on his birthday the King of Aahan- tee goea early to tho house of the royal dead. Kvery skeleton is taken from its richly ornamented coffin, where it has lain sur- rounded by the things that bad been most pleasing to it in lite, and ia placed on a , chair to welcome tho visitor. Aa the King entera each cell with a meat and drink offering to the departed, the band playa the favorite melodies of that particular King, and unawares tbe royal visitor signs to the executioners wko have followed him, and an attendant is pierced through the cheeks and Rilled, the King washing the skeleton iu the warm blood. Tho same work goea on at the next cell, and so on, the fearful work goiug on far into tho Bight. The band plays a signal aa each victim is slaughtered. 'Two blasts on the horn mean "Death, death;" three dram taps, " Cut it off ;" one beat from a big drum, " The head haa fallen." The signal ia taken up by other bands, and all through the city horn-blowing and drum-beating goea on unceasingly. He Thought Ue Could. Her Parent â€" Uo you think, Mr. Filkins, that yoa can support my daughter in the style to which she is accustomed. ? Bright Young Manâ€" I think I oould if you would lot na board with you. Mrs. Warren, tho Colorado cattle queen, who is said to be worth ?10,000,00a, is the wife of Bishop Warren of the Methodist Charob. TWO FUNMV BLUNDERS. Illustration the DsoKer of Uslnf Kosllali L3 lairsU from Ituoks. A couple ot instances of tho airuaing blunders foreigners mav make in speaking Knglish wore given me the other day, and I have every reason both ta believe them genuine and that they havo not before been printed. A lady who bad learned English in a schuol in £iuope, where she was ac- coantod remarkably protioient in our lan- guage, came to this country to take charge of an establishment. Brought face to face with the practical reijuirements of every- day lifiB, her English proved leaa compre- henaire and accurate than might havo been wished, and tbo evidoncea that her vocabu- lary had been painfully collected from a dictionary rather than from living apeech gave a good deal of amuaement to those around her. On one occasion aho wished to direct a aervant to kill a chicken, and after plucking it to bring her tho feathera. Tho form which her direction took was : " Die me that beast and bring mo his vestment." Perplexing aa the aervant must have foand this order, hia astonishment can hardly have been equal to that of a car- penter to whom waa addressed a atill more amnaing blander by thia lady. Sho had an interview with him in reference to some alterations she thought of undertaking in her dwelling, bat foand tho estimates he made ao large that ahe determined not to have the work andertaken. In a short time, however, she found herself ao incom- moded by tbe state of the house that ahe decided that it would be necessary to have the alterations made, even at the figure named by tho carpenter. She accordingly sent for him, and once more carefully ex- plained what aho wiahod to have done. To her surprise tho man promptly named a price for the work which was considerably in advance of his provioua estimate, and his feelings may bo imagined when in her con- sternation her peculiar English betrayed her into saying : " Why, sir, you are dearer to me than when wo were first en- gaged." If the carpenter approoiated a joke he should have scaled down hia figures. â€"Boston Letter in Providenct Journal. A STBINa niuor Vi Is b' ' Jir«8INO V L ABITIKS. â€" KS 'HtfrU Because Inter* Their Ages. A coincidence occurs in tho agea ot the Presidential and Vice-Preaidential uomi- neoa, in that both Thurman and Morton are older than Cleveland and Harrison. Ot the four Cleveland ia the yotuigest. The Freaident waa born in New Jersey in March, 1B37, and he ia consequently, .'il years old. Harrison cornea next. He ia ,55. Morton waa fall of a 'J-year-old boy's tricks when Harrison was born, and is now 64 years of age. " The Old Roman," jUlan G. Thur- man, leads them all. He wasborn in 181B, and Time haa cat 74 notches on his stick of life. Mr. Wa ,a Aapa, Cal„who claims that ho drove a swarm of bees across tho plains in IHl'.l, said somedaya ago that hu had the "queen" ofthoawarm, anil that he intended to tako good care of her in her old age, u aha led the attacks on bands of Indians in crossing tho plai ns whi ch might hava scalped him. 1^314(21111 At Louisville, Ky., a few nighta ago, John Lone, while bathing in the river, became insane, and held a companion under the water till he was nearly drowned, and waa biting hia arm when aasiatanco ar- rived. liev. Jamoa A. Merriman, a former pagiliat who mot Faddy Kyan and Ben. Hogan and kept saloons in Philadelphia and other cities, is preaching at Atlanta, Ga. He thinks lageraoU will become a Christian, as after bis brother died he aaid to Mr. Morriman, " I expect to meet my brother again." A negro at Cypremore Prairie, La., bought a cent's -vorth of ioe-croam of a boy and would not pay for it. Colar Legnon told him ho ought to pay for it, and the negro struck him, whcreapon Legnon shot tha negro dead. A religioait sect called Saints met at South Haven, Mich., on Sunday. When they meet each other they kisa and hug. Nearly '200 women aijd some men con- verts to Mormoniam have loft their homes in West Alabama for Utah. Kov. Fothor Tolten, of Quincy.Ill., is tha only colored Catholio priest in tbo United States. He waa tforii in alavory. He speaks several langnagee. t'ashioil in Hosiery. A fashion jonrnal aays that stockings ornamented with twisted sorpcnta will ba worn with low shoes this summer. Aa socks are not mentioned tho opposite sex will probably wear their snakes in tha asaal and time-honored fashion. Lightning can be seen by retleotion a distance of 200 miles. A musical composition often justi- fies ita name. It composes its audiences to sleep. ' - " â€" ^ D H U ;JS 88. DUNN S BAKING POWDER THECOrK'SB.ESTFR!ENEi â-  *r,. ('.i'«..i*'