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â- 1 JUST IN FUN Irony A woman got on a bus and too'< the only empty seat, next to u harmless-looking reveller. Soon she opened a map of Manchuria and began to study it. The revellet gazed at the map for a while and finally addressed the woman in an interested tone: "Sure yonVe on the right bus?" he asked. A lady who had ordered ice from a new ice man heard the familiar ring of the dumb waiter the next morning. She seized the rope and began to pull hut found the effort unusually taxing. Ncvcrlhelcsf, thinking the ice man had gone, she bent all her energies to the task and pulled away until the dumb waiter rose to the kitchen level. Then there appeared not only the cake of ice. but a small boy sitting on top of it. "Young man," demanded the housewife, "why did you make nic pull you all the way up here?' "Because," explained the young- ster with J. smile. "I thought tlic ice might be too heavy for you to get into the icehox. and I came up to help you with it!" Both in the Eye "Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she liad to go to the doctor. It cost me f5." "That's nothing. Last week a fur coat got into my wife's eye and it cost me ?J00." Ont the Waiting List "1 can't promise you anything," taid the automobile salesman to the disgruntled customer, who slammed the door on the way out. "What did he want?" asked the dealer. "Oh, he wanted to know if he couldn't turn in the 104G model which he hasn't r'-ceived, for a 1047 model." PATROLMEN OF BAVARIA'S MOUNTAIN WATCH RESCUE INJURED SKIER i Pasted Together AfolhtT had leaked a two-layer cake for Daddy's birthday. Agid- Thrce, telling a neighbor about it, •aid: "We have two cakes for Daddy and we are going to paste them together with icing." You Never Can Tell You never can tell when you're hkely to have a change in hick. Sometimes it comes at the most unexpected moment. Like the prnn school teacher who was making a trip with a group of children and stopped lur lunch at a restaurant. The children noticed a garish slot machine in the restaurant and ask- ed what it was. The teacher launched into a lecture on tlie evils of gambling. In order to rmpha.size the futility of trying to gc» something for nothing, she said she'd show the children what !-he meant She marched over to the slot machine inserted a nickel, said "Now. watch what luippcus," pull- ed the handle, and out poured a flood of nickels. She had hit the jackpot! Not Too Old To Learn A group of elderly women were discussing ways and means of raising funds for tlicir church or- ganization. One suggested organ- izing a class in glove making. "Uo you really think that's neces- sary at our ager" aNkcil an old lady in the rear. "What â€" glove 'making?" asked the other. "OK 1 thought you said love making." Ford's Answer A favuritc story about Henry l-'ord is the one told on the occa- sion of the I'ords' fiftieth wedding anniversary, when a reporter asked; "Mr. l-'iird, to what do you attribute your successful marriage?" The kindly automobile nian aii- swereil. "The formula is the same as one used to make a s\icce.';sful carâ€" stick to the same model." Self-Appreciation "Just listen to tliat m;in talking to himself," commented the wife to her huiband. .Xn ehlerly man, walking in front of them, was talking to himself in a very serious and admonishing tone. .Apparently he overheard the remark for he sloweil down ami lifting hat, bowed deci)ly and with twinkling light in his eyes sai<l: "Pardon me, madam, but it is nei-es'ary to talk to some- one sensible sometimes." HOLD EVERYTHING Typical member of Bavaria's famed Mountain Watch is Carl Reger, 23, who was born and raised in the mountains and has been in the Bergwacht for eight years. On his left breast pocket He wears the '»M and white badge imprinted with the edelweiss, flower pf Bavaria, • ' the red cross, and the inscription "R<"-o"»»'-Vit " High in Bavaria's rugged alpine mountains, a three- man Mountain Watch team comes to the aid of a ski accident victim. First aid already has been administered, and the injured man is being lifted into a toboggan for the trip down the mountain. Many of these ski patrolmen served in the German moun- tain troops during the war; the U.S. Army has carefully screened them to make sure they had no Nazi connections other than military service they could not avoid. By DORA JANE HAMBLIN .•\mcrican Rid Cross Representative Garmisch, Germany â€" Tlicy sweep down from snowy heights at breakneck speed; they leap yawn- ing crevices witli uncanny skill. In their veins, so they say, flows the blood of mountain goats: on their chests gleams edelweiss, tlie flower of Bavaria. These arc the men of the Berg- wacht, world's greatest mountain- safety organization. Bergwacht means "M o u n t a i n Watch." Members of this fabulous group, ,vlio jest among themselves about the renewed strength they receive from goat's blood, have saved ttic lives of 116 .\niericans since V-E Day. Some ^4.S of them toiled for 4ii4 hours, at great personal danger, to save those lives. Others put hi a total of lO.'i hours to bring back bodies of 1 1 Americans killed while I'limhing, hunting, or skiing in the Bavarian .Mps. The great influx of sports-loving .•\mericaus and the release of the Germans from the regimented life of wartime has made the ntonths since \'-K Day the bijsicst on record for the Mountain Watch. .Since then, its men liave rescued l.'i.j.j persons, and have recovered tlie bodies of 57 casualties. Be- cause most deaths are due to falls into almost inaccessible [daces, it is not unconimon for 27 to 30 Bergwacht men to spend three to five days on a recovery nn'ssion. \n all-volunteer group organized in ]'.'20 and sponsored by the Ba- varian Red Cross, the Bergwacht is made up of the mountain coun- try's best men. They may be asked to join or they may apply and wait to be accepted, hut In either case any sturdy, experienced Bavarian skier and mountain climber con- siders the Mountain Watch a top honor. A Bergwacht man gets no pay; he must attend special school twice a year; he goes out day or night, into blinding sun or raging storms, to find and save anyone who needs help. If he is a barber and a call for help comes while he's sinving his 1 !â- â-  ij:.v';-iC I i;, V.;.- ; : best,.jCU^tonletâ- ,., he puts, down the razor ahdaniWers tlie call hl<e an .^mcrican volunteer fireman Testimony to his skill is that in thi, 2ii ye^i-s' of some of the most da.igerous work in the world, no member of the organization ever has been killed on duty. Though the chief factor in a man's selection for the Bergwacht is his mountain experience, intensive training in first aid is vital to his success. Reaching an injured victim is only the first part of the job, for often a life hangs on the skill or men trained in emergency first aid practices. Since war's end, all Bcrg- waclit men have received trainmg in .American Hed Cross first aid techniques. A small group of Bergwacht men has been hired by the U.S. Army for full-time work at .Army resort areas. These men serve as instruct- ors and safety supervisors around the trails and ski slopes, aided on weekends by other, volunteer, Bergwacht men. Bel'ore the war most men of the mountain watch were in their twen- ties or thirties: now the ages range from Ifi to lij. Once a man puts on the edelweiss pin of the Mountain Watch he is rjualified to wear it as long as he can do his job. Weather Flights Over North Pole Army B-2'.) Superfortresses have begun weather tligliis over the North I'olc and will make daily flights over the Pole, begiimiiig in May. Brig.- Gen. Donald .\I. 'S'ale':, chief of the Army .Mr Forces Weallier .Service, flew on the first flight last week. He said this was the start of routine A.A.r. weather reporting from the very top of the world. Yates said that from now until May, weathcr-ctpiippcd B-3!l's v,ill fly periodically from California to I. add lield, I'airhrinks, .Alaska, then fly north over Point Barrow, circle over the Pole and return to t'ali- fornia by way of .Maska. Beginning in May, he said, the sriuadroii of converted supcr-hoiii- hers will move to .Maska and begin daily flight-- over the P>)le from a base there. On the I'lrst flight, Vates said, the B-2'J was in the air 10 hours and :iO niintcs. .As it flew over the Pole, an uncodcd message was sent out giving weather conditions. Weathermen say most U.S. wea- ther originates in the N'ortli Polar area. No "Amber" Light; Accidents reduced As a road ^safety measure, the experiment was made in Glasgow some time ago of cutting out the atnbcr light on the change from red to green in the automatic traffic signals. The experiment has tjcen so suc- cessful that the Highways and Planning Committee of the Town Council have decided to recom- mend to the Ministry of Transport its general use Ihroughoiit the country. The Glasgow CNperinunt, car- rieil out iliiring the past six months at a mnnbcr of tlic busiest cross- ings in the city, has been success- ful in reducing the number of road accident? "Mother spends all her time wan- 'lering through the stores ... so «h*. decided to make it payl" An Experiment With Mayonnaise Occasionally, "dnring sunmirr days in the country, far from shops, wr run short of some food commodity, in s|)ite of careful plan- ning. When faced with such a idight, we arc apt to resort' to ex- jieriments. One such that proved most successful was the extending of 'a small (piantity of mayonnaise with the white of an egg. We heat the latter until stiff and thfn whipped it Rradually into the may- onnaise. The result was a suffic- ient tpiantity of delicious, fluffy dressing which saved the ilay for our luncheon salad. VOICE OF THE PRESS Will Help Our Stories One pleasing feature about the recent storm is that we will be able to tell our grandchildren 20 or DO years hence about the good old fashioned winters we used to have â€" C)wcu Sound Suii-'rimcs. Works Faster Here An exchange tells that in Tiirkes- fan professional women weepers will cry for six hours straight. .More accoinplislied women and softer hearted men have cut tlic necessary lime in tliis country to a minute or so. â€" Port .Arthur Xews-Chroiiiclc. A Sure Sign -A person may know that old age has marked him for its own when he begins to notice how much his a,ssociatcs have aged in the past few vcars. -Kitchener Record. Advance Agents Those early robins arc now be- lieved to be advance agents sent in to look over the spring hoijsing situation. â€" St. Thomas 'Pimes-.Iouriial Style Note .A magician has been in the news for getting out of a locked safe in ,'to seconds. We'd like to see him get out of the back seat of some of the new car models in double that time. â€" Peterborough F.xa miner. Professionalized l-Acryhody's hcconiing a profes- sional these days. Over in the United States they're even issuing degrees of janitorial engineering to caretakers of buildings. And we understand some of the panhand- lers are insisting on being called professional coin collectors. â€" St. Thomas Times-Journal. Not Guilty We're convinced that .Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone â€" but never contemplated the parly line. â€" .Stratford Beacon- Herald. Or Something Else .Safety experts say the kitchen is the most dangerous room in the hcu.-.e. And particularly so in the vicinity of the sink, where a domes- ticated husband is apt to develop a ba<l attack of dishpan bands, or dropping a Spode plate. â€" Ottawa Citizen. A Bare Fact Only a iev moiitlis ago the ga!s were tinting .licir bare logs to simu- late stockiiii;s. Xylons being made in the U.S. are said to be so sheer that they aie virtually invisible The trade name for them is "N'ude." â€" Fort Kric Tinus-Rcvicw Weaic Link One of the great trouhlc-inaking factors in a democracy is the readi- ness of the average individual to exercise his right to believe any- thing that he has never heard be- fore. â€" .MoiUreal Financial Times. Wide Camouflage The Germans held property in Canada, which oflicials of the Cana- dian (iovernment had no idea about until papers and records were found when Germany was invaded. The art of camouflage was never limited to war zone? or bomb targets. â€"St. Catharines Staiulanl. Masterpiece of Absurdity The Russians have barred the Salvation .Army from their part of occupied Germany on the ground that "the .Army" is a quasi-military body. .Absurdity, nided by Joe Stalin and pals, has achieved what looks like its masterpiece â€" 11 rant ford Expositor. Nothing Owing There is no Communist who does not render a higher loyally to an- ther country, and in support of it he i.« ready to destroy this one. Canada owes him nothing, and surely decent labor unions should declare tlirniselvcs similarly free of such a debt. â€"Windsor Star. Methodist Millions "It is the greatest gain in any church in any year in the history of this country." Thus Bishop G. Bromley Oxnam of New York greeted the March 4 announcement of tlie Methodist Council of Bisliops that the Methodist Church had won 1,021.210 new members in the United States during l!)4ri, topping its "Year of Evangelism" goal of I.OtlO.UOO converts. Of the new Methodists, .')40,2(j.5 joined by con- fession of faith and 4S0.i)4,'i trans- ferred from other faiths and denominations The United States membership is now close tn !),()0n, 000.â€" Newsweek. " Royal Yacht Retired Britain's 4.T00-ton royal yacht, the \"ictoria and .Albert, which was built in 189U and Ivas t)een used on many state occasions, is to retire from active service. The yacht, which is no longer regarded as seaworthy, will in the future he used for residential pur- poses by the king and queen when they visit Portsmouth, where the vaclit now lies. HEMORRHOIDS 2 Special Remedies by the Makers of Mecca Ointment Mecca Pile Remedy No. 1 ia for Protrudinf Blee<linc Piles, nnd is cold in Tube, with pipe, or internal application. Price 75e. Mecca Pill Remedy No. 2 is (or External Itching Piles. Sold n Jar, and ia for external use only. Pric« 50o. Drdcr by number from your Druggist. •Bergwacht.' Although there' are. 2676 of these sturdy climbers, organized roughly ii.to units in Ct towns and villages â- iii the Bavarian Alps, when the phone rings for help, they go out as teams, two men on a routine patrol, four on a search, eight or more on a difficult recovery. In summer, when there is no snow In the lower reaches of the mountains to facilitate movement, eight to ten men constitute a rescue or recovery team. Mountain folk say the Bergwacht men can go anywhere a mountain goat can. Mneyacids Rob your Rest.. Miny people never leeni to get i good nighf ( rett They turn and tou â€" blame it on 'nerres'â€" when it may be their kidneyi. Healthy kidneys filter poiaons and exceu â- cida from the blood. If they fail and impuritiea ttay in the ayatem---disturbed rett often followa. If jou don't rect well get and ue Dodd'a Kidney Pilla. Tjdd'a nelp the kidneys so that you can rest betterâ€" and feel better. i;* You can't feel your best if your kidneys aren't working normally. 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ADDERS ''OR? ^n. zG. •' fiZS n ) I i ONE TO ao UP ANP ONE TO CiO CC-WN 1 ;