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4 JUST m FUN Mistaken Identity The shortsiK'litcd iclioolinastcr wat rapidly losing his temper. "You, at the hack of the class. What was the dale of the signing «l Magna Carta?" "I don't know." "Well, then, ca:: you tell me what the Gordon Riots were?" '1 don't know." "I taught that last Friday. What were you doing last night?" "I wa?; out drinking witli sonic friends." The schoolmaster gasped and his face went almost purple. "Yon have the audlcity to stand there and tell nic that! How do you expect to pass your examination?" "Well, I don't. You see, I jus: came in to fix the electric light." Who Could? The new baliy proved to have Tery powerful lungs. One day his brother, aged five, said to his mother: "Mother, baby came from Heaven, didn't he?" "Yes, dear," answered Mother. The small boy was silent for a moment, then he went on: "I say, Mother!' "What is it, dear?" "I don't blame the angels for alinging him out, do you?" Considerate "How do you get on with Jean- «lte?" asked Dick. The ardent young lover sighed. "I started off well," he replied. "I taid I was knee deep in love with her." "Sounds all right," said Dick. "What was her reaction to that?" The young suitor grimaced. "She promised to put me on her wading list." STUFF AND THINGS "No, No! He asked for a fez not a fizz!" Good English A professor of English had a very pretty secretary. One day his wife, entering his study unexpectedly found the secretary sitting on his knee, "Eustace," she said, "I am sur- prised." The professor turned round. "No, my dear," he said. "We are sur- prised; yon arc astonished.'' The Merry Widow It was raining very hard and the children were confined to tlieir clas."i-rooni during the mid-morning break. 'J'lie teacher, to keep them ^uief, talked to the class on busi- ness careers and asked various children uliat tliey would like to be when leaving school. "Please miss, I'd like to be a widow," answered Joan in a deter- mined voice. "A widow!" exclaimed the teach- er. "But why?" "Well miss," replied Joan, "If you're not married, people call you an old inaid, and if you arc married, your husband bossen yon, but if you're a widow, you're just right." A Big Saving A Hollywood dress shop owner met a frii-nd, who greeted him with: "Joe, I hear your »hop was robbed last night. Lose much?" "Some,'' answered the owner, "but it wuuld have been much worse ii the burglars had got in the night before."' "How's that?" "Well, yesterday I marked every- thing down 20 per cent." Being Explicit "Madam," rebuked the postman, "I am not afraid on account of your A>g but my trousers are frayed on accouni of your do(f." No Restrictions On Food Parcels to Great Britain There seems to be some confu- •lon in the public mind about the rulei govt rning food parcela to Britain. Under present regulations, we (The Ottawa Citizen) arc informeil by the I'nited Kingdom Informa- tion Offii <â-  iti Ottawa, unsolicited parcels of foot,' up to 22 pounds may be sent to individuals ia Britain, and iix recipient it aot charged duty, does not have to flurrendcr co\ipon "points" for th# goods. There arc no restrictions on the quantity or amount of any food, within the maximum of i'i pounds. Thus the Hritish (iovrmnient has removed all the barriers to the i,<'nerosity of Canadian friends. NEW STARTING GATE USHERS IN CALIFORNIA SULKY MEETING No. 1 Opera Blonde A new type starling gate, designed by K. M. Smitli, Los Angeles industrialist, ushers in tlie Western Harness liacin.q Associaiion sulky meeting at Hollywood Park, Inglewood, Calif. The gate, split in the middle, straddles the track and is powered by two streandined automobiles. Love and Business In Soviet Don't Mix Love laughs at locksmiths but it had better preserve a more sub- dued attitude towards the iron cur- tains. The -Supreme Soviet has by decree forbidden marriages between Russian citizens and foreigners, ft may be regarded as a development rather than a departure. The Sovi- et citizen, man or woman, who marries a foreigner remains imder all the obligations of Russian citi- zenship anil the Soviet authorities have in practice done much to dis- courage such matches. Permission for a wife to johi her hus- band in his own country has been given in the majority of the few cases where British soldiers married Russian wives during the war. The outlawry of marriages with all aliens is a more extreme form of the same attitude and as an example of "non-fraternization" can be equalled nowhere else in the civilized world. The time chosen for the promulgation of this' sweep- ing decree seems curious; is the moment regarded as particularly threatening to the blood brother- hood of the Soviet system? At any rate today's many official visitors in Moscow have been warned in time that they must not let senti- ment interfere with business. Even if they fall in love with Soviet citi- zens they will never be allowed to marry them. A new Canadian cheese with a background rivalling fiction will soon make its bid in world markets. Development was spurred by the war. Imports of such cheeses as French Ro<iuefort and Danish Ulue, ceased when Germany's conquests spread. Canadian markets were empty of these items. One leading cheese manufacturer had long considered the possibility of developing a Canadian product which would make the Canadian Market independent or lin()orted rheeses. He was .Simon I.aharge, head of the Chates.i ("beese divison of the Horden Company, Ltd. French Roquefort is made from sheep's milk hy % centuries-old for- mula, and is matured in natural eaves. The Canadian problem was to develop a comparable formula utilizing cow's milk, and to dupli- cate by mechanical means the ma- turing conditions of the French caves. Info Mr. I.abarge's Ottawa office one day walked a Danish immi- grant, Andris Kolding, seeking a job. He was born near Copenhagen, and ii a trained chcesemaker, and was a voluntaiy refugee. Before long Kolding was on the I hateau payroll, engaged In labora- tory research. New formulas were worked out, artificial "caves" were built, a brand new manufac- turing cycle evolved. The result was a new cheese with the proper- ties of French Roquefort and Danish Blueâ€" it's a "blue" cheese. Trade-named "Blufort" if caught on at once. VOICE OF THE PRESS House and Lot Most G.I.'s would be satisfied with their lot if they could get a home built on it. • â€" Milwaukee Journal. ^ Maybe a Raise Paris has a guillotine for sale at $840. And no buyer is likely to stick out his neck and ask for a cut. â€" Ottawa Citizen. Far More Dangerous Never do things by halves. A man half drunk behind the wheel of a motor car is far more danger- ous than one wlio is dead drunk, â€" Guelph ATercury. Sounds Logical If lo^jiscs arc lice And mouses arc mice. Would you say that a guy With two spouses had spice? â€" St. Thomas Times- lournal. Apparently Russia hopes that Britain and the United States will make substantial loans to Germany, so that Germany in her turn, will be able to make reparations to Russia. Surely we have had enough experience of that kind of financing. â€" Niagara Falls Review. Five Freedoms "It will soon be picnic time again, and no doubt some picnic parties will think the Four Freedoms are: Slashing trees; breaking bottles; leaving farm gates open; littering the ground with paper, cardboard plates, drinking cups and the re- mains of a meal." â€" Toronto Star. To say nothing of the Fifth Free- dom: Leaving live ashes to cause destruction by fire. â€" Kingston Whig-Standard. Too Dear • A society has been formed with the object of abolishing the word "dear" from business letter saluta- tions. If it would abolish the "dear'' from prices, it would be doing something worth while. â€" Toronto Star. Answer to Prophets The unmistakable facts are that the Soviet Union is not planning war, that even if it was, it is in no state to wage it, that it Is even more afraid of an attack from the United States than the United States is from it, and that those who talk so insanely of the 'next war' are the very people who un- consciously are doing most to pro- mote it. â€" Ottawa Citizen, Still Fighting Looks as if the big powers are going to spend as much time fight- ing each other over Germany's future as they did fighting • war to decide Germany's future. â€" Woodstock Sentinel-Review. Scotland Protects The Golden Eagle A reward of £lO is to be offered for every golden eagle's eyrie from which the young are able to fly safely, says The Edinburgh Scots- man. This is part of a scheme for the protection of the golden eagle in the Scottish Highlands which ha« been undertaken by the Association of Bird Watchers and Wardens at the invitation of the Royal Society, for the Protection of Birds. The Association of Bird Watch- ers and Wardens arc also about to begin a scheme for the better pro- tection of such birds as the white- lailed eagle, osprey, kite, honey buzzard, hobby, and march and hen hammer. Rewards of from £.1 to .ElO are to be paid to gamekeepers or others for the rearing to maturity or fledg- ling state of any of these seven species on their lands and heats, and compensation will be jiaid for proved damage to poidtry and game hy these birds. Billion Is A Lot Of Folding Money During the war years, govern- ments spoke of money in terms of billions. The New York municipal council has just received its first billion dollar estimates in history. The United States Government budget for the current year is $20,000,000,000, and when Dominion Finance Minister Abbott presents his statement soon, he will probably talk in ten-ligure amounts, com- ments the St. Thomas Times- Journal. It is hard to visualize a billion in dollars, and when legis- lators pass measures of legislation costing that amounf without much discussion, we wonder if they ever envision what one billion dollars would look like, and how long i; would take to count them. * » ♦ A Columbus Univcrsitj man figures it out this way: Count out 1,000 dollar bills and stack them on a table. Count out 99!) more stacks and you have $1,000,000 on the table. It would require 1,000 such tables to make $1,000,000,000. How long would it fake to count out all that dough? If you worked eight hours a day, without resting on Sundays or holidays or taking a vacation, and planked down one one-dollar hill a second, it would take 105 years. In other words, if you were told you could have $1,000,000,000 if you counted out the money in dollar-bills, you simply could not do it; you probably wouldn't get half-way. * * « We recall a story many years ago in which an Fnglishman was offer- ed one million pounds in gold if he could carry that antount of e^'C- poi.nid gold pieces in a pail from one room to another. It lookeil easy as will as tempting. He trundled bucketsful of sovereigns day and iii.i!ht. Inn collapsed from exhaustion long before tlie pile was exhausted. Yet governments have been spending billions with easy abandon. Iced Eajcthworms Shipped By Plane To Save Platypuses A duckbilled playtpus is a queer critter. One of evolution's left- overs, it is an otter-like animal, fur- bearing, with a tail like a beaver. It has teeth when it Is born and horny, bi!!-like plates when it grows up. It hides within its four ankles a poison apparatus. And strangest of all, the female is egg- bearing. It lives in water part of the time and burrows in mud the rest, feed- ing on aquatic insects in the first instance and on food such as earth- worms in the second, s^ys the Sault Daily Star. But if it is queer, it also is very valuable in zoological eyes. Its sole habitat is the rivers of Australia and Tasmania, and it is a very deli- cate creature which rarely survives captivi'y. New York's Bronx Zoo, for instance, has not had a platy- pus since 1922, when it managed to keep one alive for 49 days. * » * Sc when word reached the zoo that three which the director of Australia's Healesville Sanctuary for platypuses wasjjringing to the Bronx were running short of food as their ship nearcd the Panama Canal, it called for action. The action involved digging up 10,000 earthwormsâ€" a platypus ap- parently gets sufficient calories for subsistence from 800 earthworms a dayâ€" from their cool haunt in the basement of the lion house at the zoo, and shipping them by air to meet the platypus-carrytng steamer. The earthworms, although they have nothing much to look forward to, are being very tenderly treated. They are packed in moss, and also iced, for an overheated earthworm mildews, according to zoo officials. And mildewed worms will not do for precious platypuses. * * T \\'iiile their iced worms are on the way, they will continue to nibble at the special food or which they have thrived throughout the Pacific crossingâ€" a mixture of pab- lum, corn meal, bread, ground up leaves, sand, wood ashes anc wet newspapers The Broix Zoo will place the platypuses in a special tank where they may swim, burrow or laze ?t willâ€" if an iced earthworm diet gets them there. The No. 1 blonde of opera is what they're calling Dorothy Kirsten now, a title voted her at an In- ternational Beauty Show in New Vorlc. Obliging The golf club grouser was com- plaining bitterly at the "nineteenth" about worm casts on the greens. The captain came in and was im- mediately buttonholed. "Isn't this the time of year to treat worms:" the grouser asked. "Yes," was the reply. "What'U you have?" Vou nill Eajoy Staylog At The St. Regis Hotel TORONTO # Every noom With Batb Sbower nail Tclcphona # SInsIr, S2..10 upâ€" Ooablp, S3.B0 up # Good Kond. Ulnlns and Daac- Ina; Nlshtly Sherijourne at CarltOB Tel. II.*. 413.'. BOU.tlS nE.4CTirULL» ri'KNisnED $1.50 up HOTEL METROPOLE NIAGARA FAIXS OPP. â€" C.N.R. eXATION When your BACK ACHES... •ctmn. When kidneys get out of order excess aadi and poisons remain in the system. Then backache, headsche, rheimutic p»in, di*. turbed rest or thit 'tired out' feeling dm* soon follow. To help keep your kidney* working properly-u,e Dodd's Kidney PUla. Time-tesfed, popuUr, safe, non-haba-form- m«. Demsnd Dodd's Kidney PUIs, in the blue BM with the red band. Sold eTervwhere. 13? Instantine BRINGS mSTREUEFL .12''^'25f All DRUGSTOSES ) Ultra-Modern One of New York City's largest apparel stores which moved into its new headquarters on Fifth .Avenue recently has reached a new peak in interior decoration. Sales- girls in one «leparlnient wear NiU green .Ircsses tliat match the green leather on the bleached wood chairs. A feature which will appeal to the building's maintenance crew is steam coils under the sidewalks which will quickly solve the snow removal problem .le.xt winter. rCETTIHfi UP^ AT NIGHT? How miserable you feel when your sleep is disturbed. Tired, achey, listless all day long. Why not take Gin Pillsâ€" an old reliable remedy for relieving kidney trouble? Com- pounded to help soothe and tone up the kidneys Cm Pills are sold on a satis/action-or-moiiey-back basis. GIN PILLS FOR THE KIDNEYS CtwwlMi Cuiimn ( POPâ€" A Problem WILU VOU MCl-P AAE V/ITH ^^V ARITHMETIC By J. MILLAR WATT « « A I . f ♦ * * « k i T 4 4 T I *- A A. * 4