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B4 Wednesday Fob the flu that laid Bill low the fault of the On I cm usually belt out a of weather wife or nuclear the Utter two betas much alike but this time I laid lower than a grasshoppers bottom right from before Christmas through the New Year Mart be getting old and soft Its hard to turn out a column of deathless sometimes desperate prose when your brain is like putty your fingers are like dough and your legs like clay sticks while your stomach la making like a cement mixer and producing something much like I can usually find a topic this time of year a savage attack ton the Canadian winter But I cant even do that Christmas was warmer than August warmer than England ac cording to a colleague who was there and superior to Puerto Rico where it rained and rained and blew the palm trees horizontal according to another colleague who went off for a week in the sun And serves her right Despite my decrepitude tried to struggle through Have you ever played chess or Monopoly with a bright eight yearold who can beat you at either even when youre in top shape Have you ever tried to repair broken toys on Christmas morning with a sharp six yearold when your hands are shaking with the ague and your mind is fixed on your next spurt to the bathroom Have you ever coped with a wife who moans But you always make But those cards keep Smiley going by Bill Smiley the dressing and help me with the gravy when all you want to do Is crawl Into a bole cover yourself with something even dressing and quietly expire I compromised In the shape of an octogenarian leper who has Just bad a massive stroke I stuffed the ruddy beast trussed it and Jammed it into But I got my revenge on those who had frittered around making cups of tea while labored over the creature Told them Id spit on my bands before I mixed the stuffing That almost but not quite threw off their Christmas dinner I nibbled a bit of flufilled stuffing proclaimed it excellent and they ate like pigs It was only through the greatest that I was able to get a little brandy down now and again to keep Death at His distance But it wasnt all bad It never Is if you keep your pecker up No small chore in these days of economic and political gloom of my condition I let the old girl make all the Christmas tele phone calls to old friends and Uvea That probably cost me about as she has a propensity to believing that longdistance calls are made to somebody just around the corner even when theyre miles away and can chat amiably for half an hour about sweet fanny And I managed to totter to the tele phone on New Years Eve and talk to a couple of old turkeys who Joined the air force the day did I could have saved my breath what was left of it on thai one They were in worse shape than I was And they didnt have the flu Got some cards from old friends Don McCaulg asking me to come and help him dig a hole in the ice for fishing up in the Ottawa Valley the Cadogans of New Brunswick telling me to get that book published Exactly the kinds of activities I like But dont worry chaps Well get some of those trout yet McCualg even if we have to use dynamite And well get the book written yet Even if we have to use a computer a ghost writer and a team of doctors Missed my usual card from Major McEwen who teaches the bagpipes in California if you can imagine anything more incongruous He a mere M last Christmas may be slowing down But my pal in didnt fail me He signs cards only Your TV Repairman nut they always Heres this years Merry Christmas Smuey and lots more Thank you for another year of your cheerful wit 1 cant imagine anyone enjoying your column more than I do Dont you dare to retire The world needs you and you do a lot of good Some day when I get over being silly and the swelling goes down in my bead Ill let the ah- out of my ego and write you a bragging letter that will make B smell like rows In the meantime stay just like you are and Ill keep buying any paper that carries your column Earthy but uplifting It almost ended my flu One of these days Im going to hire a private eye and track the divel down My Christmas tree erected in is minutes by a friend who arrived suddenly and cheerfully while cele brating an anniversary didnt fall down My grandchildren still love I havent been fired despite due cause My wife hasnt left me despite due cause All in all despite the flu not too bad I even got a refund from National Revenue It took only from April to late December to find their error Im almost healthy again The only thing I dreading at the moment is the arrival of my Charge account for December ijiiiijiiniiwiiiWmrtii Out COPS by The Bible tefla me that some time In the future I may have to wear a sign on my forehead And now an honorable councillor la baring to tell me that I should hang one on ray back or wh Well I have news for you Mr Bill Johnson a good many Halton residents and landlords see no need for more chains around their necks If you are going to use your position as a councillor to further the aims of some organisation that reportedly has written you two letters then I should surely use my position as a newspaper columnist to refute some of the drivel that has ap peared of late Make no mistake with no exception would there have been any unregistered hunters in the recent deer hunt M personnel cover all areas very carefully as they should Ill wager most illegal deer shot in Ha ton are taken by poachers and weekend maximum 10 acres farm ers who have plenty of no trespassing signs Mr Johnson where are the people Our taxes go to region Just the same as yours do however hopefully mine doesnt go to pay your stipend Every hunter that I have talked to that used a tag in the past hunt had registered their success Immediately Good sportsmen worts hand in hand with the ministry and they go out of their way to get other hunters to cooperate As for the number of deer in Halton taken by hunters brush wolves and auto accidents Just call the region You will soon find out they are well on top of the situation Ice anglers are out in force in most areas including Fairy Lake in Acton where a good many Pike In the two to four pound class were landed Several anglers have told me these fish are not the best in the eating department and they have released these fish for another day My tee hut Is now on Lake Simcoe with approximately inches of good ice that is building fast due to very little snow Fishing has been very good especially with large Whiteflsh and the every present Smelt Lake Trout arc just start to hit well GulseppeDepieripf Acton lost a good Lake Trout on the past week end for want of a good gaff To have it so close and then lose It ah well one for the next time Still work on 911 A emergency number for all Halton Is still being investigated by a Task Force but this time rental of the equipment is being studied Hills Fire Chief Bill Cunningham a member of the Task Force Includes police ambulance and fire representatives feels the setting up of the 1 number will be at least three years in the future He said the Initial set up costs exceed with monthly charges of NOBODY UNDERSELLS