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THE HERALD OUTLOOK Saturday September 22 1M Page If Robin left of Milton her mother Nell centre with a friend can now spend better quality time together since her mother became a Centennial Manor resident Mrs Barbetta has over come the stresses of being a fulltime caregiver and realized seeking professional help is not admitting failure Photo submitted Caregivers often cause serious family problems By LISA Herald Special It may be difficult for some to cept that taking care of an elderly parent can be overwhelming said former caregiver Robin Barbetta But caregivers should never think they are betraying a parent by seeking professional help As a 48 yearold mother of three Mrs Barbetta felt the crushing pressures of a sandwich genera tion between taking care of her husband and children and a mother who was rapidly deteriorating both physically and mentally Mrs took care of her now 79yearold mother Nell Cor nacki for two years but the responsibilities became too great as Mrs was also a mother a wife and held a part time job Caring for her mother involved making sure she ate properly took her medication and even watching that she didn t fall on the stairs Her mother spent time home alone and it reached a point where the children were nervous to come home fearing they would find their grandmother had fallen down the stairs explained Mrs About six months later a health department official suggested Mrs Barbetta enroll her mother in a day program at Miltons Centen Manor Her mother visited the Manor two days a week for approx imately a year It gave her purpose to her day said Mrs Barbetta Caregivers arent doing anyone any favors by keeping their elderly parents at home A year later her mother became a full time resi dent at the Manor The controlled atmosphere of the Manor staffed by a team of profes sionals trained in geriatric care provides a much safer setting Mrs said No one can be a team all by themself she in sisted We have to realize our per sona limits Family relationships suffer when a member becomes a caregiver said Mrs Barbetta Caregivers become martyrs and place themselves last on the row doing everything and then theres nothing left she said When things become unbearable the caregiver may even take things out on someone else she added Mrs Barbetta maintains that tension may be created between the sons and daughters of the elderly parent if responsibilities are not equally shared She said at times one can I help but wonder When am I going to have time for myself why at my house with my family According to Mrs Barbetta no caregiver should suffer the guilt when asking these questions Nor should they feel ungrateful upon thinking back to when their parents raised and cared for them Theres lots of help available she said If there are qualified- people out there to help call them she insisted Centennial Manors caregiver support program I Am Not Alone operating since January provides an outlet for caregivers to discuss their frustrations anger and feelings of guilt Mrs Barbetta attended many of the informal sup port gatherings to talk and share her experience and let other caregivers know they are not alone There were a lot of tears shed at those meetings because they kept so much to themselves remembers Mrs Barbetta She believes sharing her experience at the meetings was a valuable lesson because we learn best from each other At the support group Mrs tried to ease the guilt weighing down on the shoulders of caregivers You shouldn feel guilty about being frustrated she said She hoped to reassure caregivers they are not failures as children if they need professional assistance to take care of a parent Describing the household change after her mother became a Manor resident Mrs Barbetta said I got my life back Caregivers often feel obliged to return everything a parent gave to them she said But when caregivers have a spouse and children they feel the pressures of becoming parents in two senses she explained With 24hour professional care at the Manor Mrs Barbetta can spend more quality time with her mother We do our nails have coffee and a muffin But when she was living at home I was running around doing laundry and answer ing phones and we didnt get to spend any time together she said Since visitors are welcome at any time one can choose the best time to visit she added After years of inner turmoil Mrs Barbetta was ready to let go as she realized there was nothing she could do to further help her mother It was a sense of relief she said Adjusting to her mothers deteriorating menial stale she even understands when her mother occasionally doesnt recognize her You shouldnt be sensitive about it she said adding that at this stage it doesnt matter as she loves her mother unconditionally That maturity when you can give love without expecting anything back She encourages caregivers to seek help in order to get their own lives back because once caregivers give everything they can no longer help others There comes a time when a caregiver may have to let go she explained Andrews a social worker at Centennial Manor and caregiver support group organizer said there are still many people who wont come for help So often we feel that we have to do it all ourselves she said Every person has many roles and each person must create a healthy balance between those roles Mrs Andrews explained Many family members experience the role of caregiver at some point but they shouldnt let the situation reach a crisis point where it becomes unmanageable she in Caregivers may want to find an outside support link before a crisis point hits she suggests Although extended families were traditional in the past caregiving has become a much more ding role today Mrs Andrews said The population is living longer both wife and husband work and children are moving far away from their parents The support group which began as a pilot project in January meets on the fourth Monday of every month 7pm at House in the Manor Mrs Andrews wants to encourage more caregivers and their relatives to join the support group to take ad vantage of the experience of others Individuals who have already been through the strains of being torn between caring for themselves and others can provide insight into role balancing Tern Paine a psychogenatric therapist at the North Halton Men Health Cline believes more caregivers should be aware of the community resources She sees at least one caregiver each week who is seeking medical assistance for a parent or spouse Caregivers need to realize that their spouse or parent is not the same person It a traumatic ex perience when there is a role reversal If someone is very close with a parent and has had a very good relationship and all of a sud den loses that closeness it can be depressing she said She said it is important to remember the elderly may not understand when they are doing or saying Ms Paine has made many refer rals to the I Am Not Alone caregiver program at the Manor to promote support and prevent The purpose is to help caregivers realize they have to set limits she said because they can tbeeverythingtoeverybody There must be increased focus on services for the elderly because the seniors population is growing older and require care she said adding that younger generations are going to have to cope 235 GUELPH STREET I CINEMA 1 NOWPLAYING MERYL SHIRLEY MacLAINE DENNIS A WONDERFUL COMEDY Matinee Sat Sun at 200 pm I CINEMA NOW PLAYING I no coupons warning Evenings at HORROR 5 pm 8th GREAT WEEK CLASSIC Jungle Book CINEMA 3 SECOND SMASH Evenings at 700 pm Matinee Sat Sun at pm I TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES fl BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND Matinee Sat Sun