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Page THE WEEKEND OUTLOOK Friday February I miss Bert It really is strange how a per sons mind wanders when you are doing the most mundane things Why just the other day I was taking a shower and realized there was a void in my life I couldnt quite put my finger on the seeming sense of solidarity until I dropped the bar of soap on my foot and that combined with the mouthful of water I swallow ed when surfacing facefirst to the shower head allowed the pro verbial penny to drop I missed my pet fish Bert You see I was having problems with the motor operating the aerator in my home aquarium I should state aerators because I had tried several and for some reason couldnt get enough pressure to produce the little bub bles of air that the fish need to survive I found out there are indeed death wish fish when I arrived home late one afternoon and discovered that a tribe of had leapt over the edge of the wall and were not dot ting my livlngroom indoor- outdoor carpeting Some pool party I thought as I realized resuscita tion would do no good Next I thought of Bert Hie tank was somewhat murky from the remnants of the pool party and at first I couldnt see him Then all of a sudden up he pop ped from the depths and as was his custom pressed his catfish like face against the glass of the aquarium Bert I should have mentioned is a bottom feeder his exact species remains a mystery I was so relieved that Bert hadnt signed up for the mass suicide dive that I sat down and ate a can of tuna Bert and I were alike in many ways Both loners both of us enjoyed swimming and fish food and both of us have plunged to the depths while occasionally rising to the heights all the while attempting Editors Notebook by CoHn Gibson to swim against the current Besides that he never argued with me although on occasion I thought I had detected a facetious or two emanating from the aquarium When that happened I would either flash a can of tuna in front of the tank and remind him of longlost relatives or threaten to take him for a walk in the shower That usually was sufficient to end But back to the of this column After the left for the big fish tank in the sky I decided Bert wold be better off in a safer home a safer environment and a safer aquarium There was a tearful parting well at least there was water around Berts eyes when I brought him to the foster fish tank I visit him occasionally and as is his custom he usually comes over and presses his face against the tank Its just not the same though and the people in the adoptive home might just think I was a bit weird if I started talking to him Nevertheless I do miss him Maybe Ill go out and buy a pet ferret This might not be the best column ever written but at least it takes your mind off the Persian Gulf Wot Editorial Corner PRIVATE HELL Thats what life before death ball about Isnt It A constant inner battle With the demons and within Fought by ourselves With ourselves To prepare ourselves To feel worthy to meet What ever power it was That created as in its own image With such Impure instincts And insurmountable Imperfections Maybe that power Isnt a good guy After all Maybe it was the devil himself Who knows But the battle rages within as all To find the truth And escape oar own private bell By Acton SCARY STUFF In my mind theres a monster that Jttst will not sleep And my body suffers daily from the hours that It keeps I dont function well Id the real world yon tee The world in my mind is what matters to me The world mil me is cold and its grey Subservience In silence day after day When night fails sleep calls and the majority do sleep But the monster awakens and begs me to weep I wont be defeated by this creature within Ill fight for stability against rebellion and sin Still in my mind theres a monster that wont go away And well all be In trouble when the night meets the day By JB Acton MAN IN A TREE There once was a man in a tree Who Jumped around like a flea He fell one day And Im sorry to say There once was a man In a tree By Jamie Age 11 Milton GROWING UP The warm teddy bear tucked tightly beneath his arm The first shy smile of the girl across the street The trembling groom standing saying I do The new father staring at a teddy bear In the comer by Jason Piper Acton BROTHER This young cub now so grown I cannot lift him I try to teach him right from wrong This cub becoming full grown my love by Jason Piper Acton so The Hills HERALD Home Newspaper of Hills Established 1666 A Division of Canadian Newspaper Company Limited Guelph Street Georgetown Ontario L7G ROBERT Publisher and General Manager 8772201 CLASSIFIED CIRCULATION Maria ACCOUNTING HATES Copt fln Slam roar month IT and In Tha Herald da Una on an original nam and malarial by lu amptonaa and In thta National Ouaan St W Toronto Ontario Matt or MO Calncart St Montraal Tha adratlltai agtaal that tha publlahar not ba tor out at ma a paid lor ttw by thai portion tha In lha anof occurred la du to lha nagllganca or and iU no lor nan IntartJon any il lha amount paid lor men Cute kids cause concern Okay Its curmudgeon time So lets get straight to the point Am I utterly alone in this senti ment or is there anyone else who is going to erupt into hysterical shrieks the next time hes expos ed to Cute Children on Let me hasten to say that I have nothing against children in general Perish the thought When I was younger its true I used to see things differently I used to argue that the average small child compares most un favorably to the average dog observing that dogs are in general more loyal more in telligent better behaved and bet ter smelling But Ive matured a little and now I dont say things like this Its not that Ive changed my mind exactly Its just that Ive realized its an unfair com parison Theres no point in asking the average small child to measure up to the average retriever This will just give the poor kid a com plex When confronted with a misbehaving threeyearold liv ing parents should avoid sighing Wed have been happier with a collie They should take the positive view and remind themselves This is much better than a wombat But my fondness for kids general doesnt help much when it comes to Cute Kids on TV Un fortunately my response to these is about the same as my response to say professional tennis players I try to take the Christian view of pro tennis stars I try not to be cruelly judgemental Its just that so many of them so richly deserve to be locked in damp cellars and nibbled at by weasels Were all of course dismally familiar with TVs Cute Kids There is apparently a civic bylaw in Hollywood requiring that each sitcom must have at least one wretchedly precocious child who goes about deflating adults with withering and wise observations Given the remarkable standard of sitcom writing these are usually along the lines of Wake up arid smell the coffee Numb- nose These kids are almost as in tolerable as the ones on the com mercials There are now dozens of these all descended from Scott and Joey who used to drag their fondness for cheese into our living rooms on a nightly basis This is not a time for subtlety I did not like Scott I did no Joey I even hated their dog The one tiny consolation lay in wondering what would happen to kids like this when they grew too old to be cute My personal belief is that such children end up in Reform School where they spend a gloomy adolescence making license plates and murmuring More cheese please The question of course is why modern TV insists on subjecting us to these kids This didnt hap pen in the good old days on shows like Lassie and The Littlest Hobo Grantd there were cute kids on these showB But at least their primary function was to fall down abandoned mineshafts True Lassie and Hobo in variably insisted on rescuing them Neither of these dogs ever bit on the happy compromise of lowering lots of food into the shaft and just leaving the kid there un til he was 21 But overall things were bearable Sometimes Im frankly uncer tain why Cute Kids on TV get on my nerves so much Maybe its just because I remember my own childhood When you and I were kids as we both recall we were strictly forbidden to be witty let along precocious If we wanted to be clever we had to do so on our own time while walking 17 miles to school through a blinding snowstorm I remember the many occa sions on which my mother said to my father The boys being cute again Lets send him to boarding school And of course we could never afford cheese But if you tell Scott and Joey this would they believe you Write us a letter The Herald wants to hear from you If you have an opinion you want to express or a comment to make send us a letter or drop by the office Our address is Guelph Street Georgetown On tario All letters must be signed Please include your address and telephone number for verifica tion The Herald reserves the right to edit letters due to space limita tions