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6- The Oakville Beaver Weekend, Saturday May 6, 2006 Commentary The Oakville Beaver 467 Speers Rd., Oakville Ont. L6K 3S4 (905) 845-3824 Fax: 337-5567 Classified Advertising: 845-3824, ext. 224 Circulation: 845-9742 The Oakville Beaver is a member of the Ontario Press Council. The council is located at 80 Gould St., Suite 206, Toronto, Ont., M5B 2M7. Phone (416) 340-1981. Advertising is accepted on the condition that, in the event of a typographical error, that portion of advertising space occupied by the erroneous item, together with a reasonable allowance for signature, will not be charged for, but the balance of the advertisement will be paid for at the applicable rate. The publisher reserves the right to categorize advertisements or decline. Editorial and advertising content of the Oakville Beaver is protected by copyright. Unauthorized use is prohibited. Guest Columnist Protecting Halton Ted Chudleigh Halton MPP olitics has been described as the art of the possible. I believe there are very achievable solutions to at least two significant issues facing Halton right now. Ted Chudleigh Consequently I am preparing to introduce these solutions to my colleagues in the Ontario Legislature. "Any provincial Halton residents are facing a development crunch. government Large numbers of residents have moved into Burlington, funding for Oakville and Milton, putting a huge strain on existing infraservices that is structure and government services. The problem is that government funding for many servpredicated on ices and programs is determined by population. Population population is determined by census counts taken every 10 years, with should use a mini-census done at the five-year mark. Essentially current property Halton is being funded as if this was 2001 and we all know tax information the huge numbers of new residents that have arrived in the to determine last five years. The solution? Any provincial government funding for the actual population rather services that is predicated on population should use current property tax information to determine the actual popthan rely on ulation rather than rely on census data. Property tax inforcensus data." mation is constantly updated. Census data is only a snapshot in time that is dated even before it is completed. Making this change would provide Halton with government funding for hospitals, infrastructure, and crime prevention which has been chronically underfunded due to our ballooning population. The change would help determine municipal grants for a host of programs, such as the gasoline tax rebate, that are provided to local municipalities. Low population counts are an issue across much of the 905 belt where populations are growing rapidly. It is less of an issue in those areas of Ontario where populations are static or growth more gradual. The other issue where I can see a solution is the problem of the provincial government insisting upon maintaining the right to seize Halton's landfill and force Toronto's garbage on us should Michigan refuse it. I am working on legislation to protect all municipal landfills in Ontario from having to accept waste from outside their municipality. It is a protection for property taxpayers who have funded expensive landfill planning and operations. There are enough private landfill sites in Ontario that municipalities should not be compelled to accept trash they are not responsible for generating. As most everyone knows, Toronto has been unable to make the hard political decision to handle its own trash. It has been trucked to a Michigan landfill for many months at a very high price. Halton fought a bitter battle on its own landfill. It has managed the landfill well, extending its life by many years. However, Toronto garbage would fill up the remaining capacity in only a few short years, all courtesy of the Halton property taxpayer. I believe these solutions address very valid concerns. I will continue to advocate for these solutions because I believe they are possible to achieve and ultimately satisfactory for all parties involved. 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Which meant that if I followed my mother's teachings to the tee, I would have never allowed myself so much as a giggle when George W. Bush infamously (not to mention bizarrely) hurt his face while falling off a couch while choking on a pretzel while watching football, and I'd have been biting my lip anytime anyone slipped on a proverbial banana peel. Which also meant that this week, keeping my wonderful mother in mind, I was forced to bite my lip until the pain was profound when I heard that Keith Richards, The Rolling Stones venerable and (apparently) vulnerable guitarist, had been hospitalized in New Zealand after a terrible fruit mishap. That is, after knocking himself silly when he fell out of a coconut tree. Aside from biting my lip until it bled ­ seriously the mental image of the swashbuckling Keith tumbling out of a tree was almost too much to suppress ­ a single, solitary question kept coming to mind: what the hell was Keith Richards doing up a coconut tree? I don't know if you've seen Keith of late but he looks like he's 600 years old. Okay, okay, he's only 62 but he honestly appears almost antediluvian. Now, I don't want to sound ageist, but ancient, addled rockers have no business up trees, coconut or otherwise. Hey, you don't see Ozzy climbing trees, do you? Of course with Keith, there's always the suspicion that if he was climbing trees while on holidays, he may have been under the influence of, well, just about anything. Keith, or Keefer as he's been called, once intimated that kids should not do drugs, a statement caustic comediAndy Juniper an Denis Leary jumped all over: "We can't do any drugs, Keith. You've done them all. All we can do now is wait until you die and then smoke your ashes!" There's also the slim possibility that there was logic involved. Maybe Keith just craved coconut so he climbed the tree. But, seriously, a man whose estimated net worth is $220 million can afford to have someone climb a tree for him, or, honestly, just get the help to fetch him a fresh one from the hotel pantry. Whatever, Keith had to be airlifted from a resort on a small Fijian island to Wellington, New Zealand. Outside the Wellington hospital, fans gathered. But in keeping with the spirit of Keith, in the place of a somber vigil, a party broke out. For the record, just so that you don't think I'm callously making fun of some poor guy who may well be on his deathbed after a coconut freefall in Fiji, I'm not. No, as always, Keith is fine ("God," as my father used to intone, "protects drunks and sparrows"). Or, as the headline in the Melbourne Herald Sun screamed: "Keith one hard nut to crack." Yes, ardent and abundant fans of the Stones can relax: Keith is no worse for wear. Mild concussion. Advised to rest. Granted, for guy like Keith, even rest can have inherent perils. Seriously, rumours abound that the universe's greatest rhythm guitarist -- one of rock's original rebels --- did not really fall out of a tree at all when he concussed his coconut. But, rather, tumbled out of hammock during an afternoon nap! And then, or so the rumours go, his public-relations people ­ concerned that a rocker falling out of a hammock didn't sound very edgy -- concocted the coconut story. Yeah, and falling out of a tree has got rock `n roll written all over it! Andy Juniper can be visited at his Web site, www.strangledeggs.com, or contacted at ajuniper@strangledeggs.com.