The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

Editorial Letter to Brian Dear Brian Prom what I read in the newspapers and bear over the radio and television airwaves it appears you have once again chosen to don the mantle of Savior of Canada It is to laugh It is to cry Surely this is just another joke you choose to foist on tbe Canadian public Give up the ghost Brian Or put another way wake up and smell the roses the garden party is over You have not only failed Canada in regard to actual leadership in your capacity as Prime Minister you have even failed miserably to successfully continue the political leadership pantomime of even appearing to be a leader The one in charge remember The lack of this latter ability more than anything else in the political arena usually signifies the ringing of the death knell chimes Do you hear the chimes Brian You represent a mystifying blight on the soontobe Canadian cadaver Yet as with the mythical and mystical Angel of Death you hover overhead apparently un moved by the tragedy of the mo ment Let it be noted however you Brian are the architect and in turn the archangel of the tragedy With no elected political ex perience you backroomed your way into the leadership of the federal Progressive Conser vative political party tu Brute screamed Joe Clark and with no concept of the national character of Canada proceeded to tear the country apart Because Pierre Trudeau and the Federal Liberal party had in itiated the Canadian Constitution concept including the Charter of Rights and Freedom which ex cluded Quebec at that provinces choice it should be noted you felt that you personally and your PC party had to get into the act and damn the consequences Your closed door roll the dice protocol for solving the Lake stalemate blew up in your face and you looked around for someone else to blame for your own miscalculations What type of leadership qualities have you shown to Cana dians during your sorry reign as our Prime Minister Let me count just some of the juicier Countless members of the PC caucus are forced to resign and appear before the courts on cor ruption conflict of interest or betrayal of trust charges Your right hand man and chief Editors Notebook by Coin Gibson Quebec lieutenant deserts you and your party to form a political organization in Quebec whose mandate is- based on tearing Quebec away from the rest of Canada Your Fisheries Minister Tom Siddon resigns over the rancid tuna scandal even though you and your cabinet colleagues were aware of the situation and in facet made the decision to allow the tainted tuna to go on grocery store shelves You then appointed this same man to head Indian Affairs and conveniently both he and you were on vacation and callously stayed on vacation through most of the Oka crisis when federal leadership or direction was desperately needed You rammed through the free trade pact with the United States over the protests of a number of provincial premiers your part ners in confederation remember and the protests of countless concerned Canadians You made a mockery of the Canadian parliamentary system over the hated Goods and Ser vices Tax and in so doing held Canada up to ridicule from the rest of the world Your economic policy has caus ed a recession the likes of which the country hasnt seen for 10 years with no real end in sight and you involved Canada in the Persian Gulf War rightly or wrongly without following established parliamentary prac tices Even now you are talking of a free trade pact involving Mexico and the United States while our economy flounders The Canadian ship of state is rudderless and without a captain and has been for years And now you attempt to bill yourself as the Savior of Canada Brian you are so out to lunch you have to make a telephone call to get a doggy bag One wonders if the leadership course in which you enrolled was not authored by the American General George Armstrong Custer Poets THE FLOWER When did It happen When did I A man one day was walking become a man In a dark deserted woods When did I put away childish And he chanced upon a flower thoughts and hopes and dreams In a glade When did the rose tinted glass He was blinded by Its beauty Turn clinically clear and And In greed he had to own cynical So he dug it op and took It home The bird hit the windshield and to find some shade I just kept on driving He planted It and watered It Carelessly eyeing the remains And built a fence around It of its brittle body And vowed that he would Attached to my side mirror nourish It each day And the frail feathers flapping But he got busy and forgot it impotent in the wind And the flower lacked attention I didnt even bat an eyelid for And with no water It began to Its pain fade away Had I forgotten all those When man at last hopeless baby birds remembered In the hedgerows of my And went to check his flower childhood He found the blossoms That I had so painstakingly withered and he cried nurtured He knew for too long hed ig And Joyfully given life and nored It freedom And hed see no more its beau Was it God or was it the world ty that made me now aware For he couldnt bring it back That they too probably ended The lower died B Brooke Acton Splattered on somebodys THROUGH THE GLASS windshield DARKLY ICorinthians By Acton The HaHon Hills HERALD Home Newspaper of Halton Hills Established A Division of Canadian Newspaper Company Limited 45 Guelph Street Georgetown Ontario L7G 3Z6 K ROBERT Publisher and General Manager BoomioppiWol CLASSIFIED Joan Mi null CIACULATION Mnli ACCOUNTING RATES Single Copr taster 15400 month Canada all Foraton I month I data copyright on original mm puMinM In Toronto Ontario or MO Cathcart lor damage out or anon In amount paid tor tha portion of In lo naoUganca It or and Hull bo no liability lor any barond amount paid inch I GETTING OUT OF THE FAIRY GODMOTHER THE THRILL GONE HA IT FOR ME THREE WISHES ITS THE SAME THING OVER OVER VISA AMERICAN Two paw wcihn Researchers cause depression Im not even going to try to be lighthearted today Im too depressed The scientific researchers have done it to me again In case you overlooked a perfectly ghastly little news item that appeared the other day Ill quote it for you An Ohio study of natural deaths claims that short people tend to outlive tail people Each additional inch in height noted in the study corresponded to a reduction of years in the average age of death Well Youll understand my depres sion a bit better once I confess that my life to date has been marked by precisely two Significant Accomplishments I won the Grade typing prize And I managed to grow to a height of sixfootone My first accomplishment got me laughed at my all my adoles cent chums Now it turns out my second is going to kill me Granted that news is vague It tells us that each additional inch in height correspond to a reduction in lifespan but it doesnt answer the crucial question each inch in ad dition to what If its in addition to say eight feet then its no big deal This wouldnt really prove that height reduces lifeexpectancy It would just indicate that decades of bum ping your head on doorframes can take its toll But I have a grisly suspicion the study refers to each inch over an average height of fivenine or fiveten In which case I have an excellent excuse to feel even more persecuted than usual Ive always taken forlorn pride in being taller than average par ticularly since its my only mark of physical distinction Weirs World by Ian Weir Thornton Hews Sendee The Love of My Life bless her is always quick to reassure me that I mustnt think of myself as physically nondescript She loves to point out that I have hilariously big feet But this kind of misses the point In fact my ultimate dream as a teenager was to grow to a height of sixthree or sixfour I was realistic enough to know this wouldnt guarantee the respect and admiration of my peers But at least it would enable me to look down from a considerable height upon those who were snickering about my typing prize The fact is that society has always looked with respect upon tall men And the reason of course is simple Its because as we all know short men are aggressive warlike and obnoxious Admittedly you have to be careful when making sweeping generalizations But this par ticular generalization is well- supported by scientific fact Alexander the Great was short So was Napoleon The fact that one shorty was determined to conquer the world might be regarded as an aberration The fact that two of them tried it clearly indicates a trend It goes without saying that you and I have personal experience with short men too My own best friend lets call him Frank since thats his name is short At the end of a long evening listening to shortjokes in the pub Frank has frequently been known to scowl and demand to know whether the restof us could find another subject on which to exer cise our infantile wit You see my point The man has a complex But all of this is to overlook the burning question precisely why does increased height lead to decreased lifeexpectancy One possibility of course is that it doesnt and that this study is just a wicked hoax perpetrated by short people Conceivably their fiendish belief is that if they can demoralize the rest of us with such studies it will be easier for them to conquer the world But theres an even darker possibility It has to do with vegetables I dont know about you but when I was a kid my mother was constantly warning me that failure to eat my vegetables would stunt my growth And what if our mothers were making a hideous mistake What if each vegetable was eroding our lifespan and our mothers should instead have been crying Omigosh the boys growing seize his broccoli and a Twinkle This sort of thinking can quick ly lead to paranoia which we should avoid at all costs Natural ly I would never suspect my mother of deliberately conspiring to poison me with parsnips My mom is a wonderful person She has always had my best in tentions at heart Always On the other hand the womans fivefootfour