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Page 10 THE WEEKEND OUTLOOK Friday June 1991 Who gives a DATELINE OTTAWA The Canadian masses are huddled around their wireless sets waiting breathlessly for the results of the federally- implemented inquiry into the fasttracking immigration pro cess that allowed former Iraqi Ambassador to the United States Mohammed Al to emigrate to Canada a mere 28 days after he had applied at the Canadian embassy in Vienna After five days of hearings the special House of Commons com mittee looking into the affair folded basically because our countrys ruling Progressive Conservative Party refused to allow key insiders into- the fiasco Barbara and Bernard Valcourt to be recalled to testify about their respective depart ments involvement in the con tentious issue As I See It by Colin Gibson DATELINE SASKATCHEWAN A farmers family part of the huddled masses listening breathlessly to the wireless for reports on the affair finally relax after five days of tension The head of the family turns to his oldest son and comments What a threat to the country eh Arent you glad its over The son replies I guess youre right dad But what is Mashat and how is it going to help us plant enough crops to keep the farm going Besides why do you call a radio a wireless when you have to plug the thing into a socket v The father replies In the first place son a is a person who comes from somewhere East or West of who wanted to become a Canadian citizen but needed some help in getting into the country The son replies Well then why didnt he just rent a rowboat and beach somewhere in Nova Scotia like those other people did The father replies Who gives DATELINE OTTAWA In the Immigration Department civil servants are working like busy little bees attempting to finish a song that tiesin with the affair The opening line goes in ma foot in Immigration to be sung to the tune of I left my heart in San Francisco A junior civil servant happens onto the scene and asks what is going on Being the conscientious federal employee that he is he questions that this song writing exercise just might be a waste of the taxpayers money Just as the inquiry into the Al was Who gives a he is told VofceOverbyRodSerllng We take you now to the inner sanctums of the Parliament Buildings In Ottawa where Prime Minister Brian affec tionately known as In nursing circles has called a hasty con ference with External Af fairs Ministers Joe Clark to discuss the Al Mashat affair This is your Canadian twilight zone Former External Affairs Minister Joe Clark walks into the inner sanctums of the Parliament Buildings and discovers the Prime Minister combing his chin Prime Minister How are you Joe Have a seat Joe Clark Im fine sir but why are you combing your chin Prime Minister Im combing my chin because there have been some references made to the Pinocchio syndrome and I would prefer to go cheek to jowl with my critics By the way Joe you can call me Brian Joe Clark Thank you Sir Brian I must admit though I wish I had a chin That way I could look more attentive when questions were asked of me As it is now I go to stroke my chin and my tie falls off Prime Minister We all must bear the burdens of office You better pray highnecked collars dont come back into vogue or we will lose you completely Joe Clark I have my ears to save me Sir Brian By the way what is an inner sanctums I had to ask directions just to get here Prime Minister Inner sanc tums is a phrase Rod Serling uses I had to ask for directions to get here myself But what are huddled masses Are we going to have another immigration pro blem Joe Clark No Sir Brian it just refers to Canadians who wonder what is going on with their country Prime Minister By the way uh uh Joe why are we meeting Joe Clark Something about wasting Canadian taxpayers money on an enquiry into the Mashat affair that wasnt going to provide any answers in the first place Prime Minister Oh really Whogivesa As I see it anyway p s Alocholism Once he bought a dog Sometimes To use as a peace offering Sometimes I get very angry jt It hurt Sometimes I gel very mad When hed been drinking Sometimes 1 just cant agree And I got numb Sometimes Am very sad And I got Ingnored The swearing And the police And the lawyers Sometimes I think people hale And the questions Sometimes I think Im alone He always did He came back to me Sometimes people berate me Sometimes moan and groan Until my Mom Got the nerve To say out Sometimes act really crazy Sometimes I act really weird Sometimes I think nothing But faze me Once he bought a dog But things always come As Ive feared Peace offering Tanya De Jong Acton Tanya De Jong Acton Editorial The Halton Hills HERALD Home Newspaper of Halton Hills Established A Division of Canadian Newspaper Company Limited Guetph Street Georgetown Ontario 3Z6 K ROBERT MALCOLMSON Publisher and General Manager 8772201 Stall San Lilt CLASSIFIED- CIRCULATION ACCOUNTING SUBSCRIPTION RATES Sing la Cop In Stoiai IS MB on month month Cauda MB all Foreign copyright until original nam and adnrtlilng malarial by III amplotaaa and In Ihla national AcWtlalng Ontario MSH2MS llabl lor mil of anon In In amount paid far actually occupied by that portion Ilia adnrtliamanl In which occurred an or li dua ha nagllganca of Hi or and no liability lor non Initrtlon any Mindboggling lifestyles From time to time the mind boggles just slightly at the lifestyle decisions people make This was my reaction a distinct boggling sensation in both hemispheres of the brain when I read an article the other day by a Utah woman whose hus band has eight other wives Yes the present tense is cor rect This is not a man who has HAD eight other wives this is a man who HAS nine wives Im not sure why Ive paused to stress this grammatical point Somehow the notion of having nine wives just brought the word tense leaping to mind Apparently theres now a movement afoot to have polygamy legalized in the state of Utah the woman wrote this arti cle to stress the benefits of polygamy pointing out that it of fers a woman much more freedom than she would have in a conventional marriage Well Im aware of course that polygamy is legal in other cultures I learned at university that Islamic law allows a man to have up to four wives provided he is able to meet his respon sibilities to all four As a naive undergraduate I thought this made a certain sense This was I began to understand the reality of the situation which is that its dif ficult enough for a guy to meet his responsibilities to even one wife Statistics show that the average male is in fact capable of meeting his responsibilities to 37 Weirs World by fan Weir Thomson News Service of a wife The remaining 63 is strictly on her own The Utah polygamists are also citing religious tradition poin ting out that the Old Testament upholds the validity of polygamy Since Im not a biblical scholar Ill withhold comment Except to point out the Old Testament also takes a positive view of floods and plagues of locusts Now I certainly dont want to sound like a prig or a moralist But the plain fact is that there is a term for a man who marries nine women This term is dangerously out numbered We need only remember that polygamy is a compound word based on the- Greek roots poly meaning many and gamy meaning migraines As such Im afraid Im pretty skeptical about this Utah womans claims that a polygamous marriage is a happy situation for all concerned She writes for instance that all nine wives are able to spend private time with the husband simply by making an appoint ment with him If two of the wives want to see him on the same evening they work it out between themselves Right Well One mustnt judge other people Still a guy learns early in life that there are certain things to say to a woman who would like an hour or so of his time Take a number isnotoneof them My personal suspicion is that a man who has nine wives might run into occasional jealousy pro- blems unless he simply decides to trust in dumb luck According to this theory youd just marry as many women as you want and then hope like heck that none of them like you much In fact my personal belief is that this Utah family has the whole thing backward Polygamy might indeed work in some cir cumstances but only if it were a woman who had nine husbands This arrangement would have distinct possibilities when you stoptothinkaboutit Thered be one husband to share he one to help with the childrearing and two to communicate sensitively and youd still have enough left for a golf foursome In fact if you look it mathematically each of the nine husbands would have to meet his responsibilities to just It of a wife Gee I know quite a few guys who might lo handle that