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the HERALD Wednesday August 14 1991 Community Page 21 Family violence Indications of possible abuse must be heeded ByJAClEB PALMER Herald Special A few days ago I learned that a friend of mine is becoming more than just friendly with a man who has repeatedly been convicted of assaulting another woman I was in a state of shock because Id always respected this woman for hei intelligence and her awareness of the world around her Certainly she is familiar with abuse because she has been involved with womens activist groups and has even shared with others her concern for abusive mole partners and the lack of treatment available for them If a woman is presently with partner she knows has abused other women she is walking a dangerous path There is no ac ceptable excuse or valid reason for a man to physically or sexual assault a woman It is a criminal off If the abuser has not sought help for his problem and it is his problem he will eventually assault another woman It may not happen today or tomorrow or even next year but eventually it will happen again He will lose control and batter his female partner Any woman knowing the violent background of her part ner should rethink her relation ship with him and walk away before she too becomes a victim The very fact that a woman is aware she is with a formerly abusive male means he will try hard to hide or excuse his pro blem This woman owes it to herself to take any indication of abuse very seriously Dont let any minor act of abuse pass without showing concern Attempts to control picking fights put downs negative remarks hostile reactions to minor incidents acts of violent directed at objects and placing blame on others are all indica tions of abusive behavior An abuser will intensify the abuse and abuse more frequently if lef unchecked For her own protection a woman with a male she knows t be an abuser should try to find how many other women hi abused Delve into his past How many successful long term ta has this man had If he s had none she should recognize that this man suffers from a variety of problems Does he blame his former girlfriends for of the relationships If he does this con sistently she should be aware that the problems and difficulties are likely to be his Mature adults accept responsibility They recognize the pari they play in a failed relationship An abuser does not Is he still friendly with former girlfriends Maintaining good friendships is indicative of a healthy mind and an emotionally well person Does he have female friends as well as male friends who share some of his time If he does it indicates he values time with both sexes Does he have a good support system If his friends are few and not close she should stand back and ask herself why Lack of friends may dicate her partner has a side to him she has not seen Lack of 26 Guelph S Georgetown On 8779896 V Clothing Mens todies ALTERATIONS REPAIRS friends indicates a lack of depth in he person himself It is likely any abuser will be somewhat secretive about his life his family and his friends Often an abuser appears to be aloof and a loner He may denigrate relationships He may be an isolationist This is often the case since an abuser doesnt want to be found out If he suffers from very low selfesteem he may be insecure social settings with unfamiliar faces or in which he is uncomfor table to participate He will stay away from anyone he believes may discover his secret Catching an abuser in a small lie may be of much greater significance than his potential victim realizes If a woman is with a man who has abused other women and she is aware of it she must be very cautious in trusting this person with her life and the lives of her children Over a period of time she may find she still has scanty details about his personal and professional life The caution light must remain on Probably she will find this man HELP US Help ourselves is capable of dealing with most issues on only a superficial bais His adherence to making and keeping commitments may be sporadic He will always have seemingly valid reasons for his absences or broken promises but over a period of time she will notice more and more that he is secretive She will likely begin to recognize that he is probably ly ing to her over small things such as appointment times and work hours Relatively minor Yes but indicative of unacceptable long term behavior patterns Yet here is my friend over her head into a relationship which will certainly develop into an abusive one You see this man is convinced he has no responsibili for the vicious attacks on his victim He continues to blame his victim for his violence This man needs counselling Any woman involving herself and her family in a potentially life threatening relationship should contact Halton Women s Place the Distress Centre her physician her minister or avail herself of other counselling vices in the community to ensure her decision making is ap given the cir Watch for upcoming articles on relationships and the plight of the rescuer These articles will offer some reasons women involve themselves in and remain in abusive relation ships Feel free to contact by directing letters to her attention at The Herald AH cor respondence will remain con fidential Should you wish to speak to call the Distress Centre at and your call will be returned If you are a woman cn crisis or an male wanting help call the Distress or dial BE WATER SMART DCVMG MSHAUDW WATBtSHATIBtS si CLEAR THE WAY Ive got to get to CAPITAL FORD for these SUMMER SERVICE SPECIALS Oil FILTER SPECIAL Includes 5 Litres of oil and filter check levels and fights TRANSMISSION SPECIAL Includes 5 Litres and filter kit external linkage adjustment and performance road test ALIGNMENT SPECIAL I front Wheel Alignment Balance Wheels Rotate Complete Suspension Steering Inspection Performance Road Test 89 brake Install Front Brake Pads Machine Bote Service Calipers CAPITAL 2 LOCATIONS GEORGETOWN MAIN ST HWY PARTS SERVICE 8532370 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