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the HERALD Family Violence Wednesday Recognize guilt as a form of abuse ByJACIEB PALMER Herald Special Guilt is a form of abuse that often goes without being recognized as an underlying pro blem within relationships Guilt is part of daily living At one time or another both parents and children use guilt as a form of control need to have ap proval from others for whom we hold respect and care and our conscience stops us from cross ing over boundaries and ing in inappropriate ways Whether right or wrong we develop our own set of morals and ethics A doctor recently told me that a large percentage of his patients who have emotional problems have the root of their problems in the link to guilt that has been placed on them by their mothers I can easily relate to that Often mothers but also fathers may say It hurt me when you did that Why didn t you remember Last time you forgot I though you remember You know how disappointed I be why did you How could you All are lines to pass along a shovelful of guilt If they occur too often the child may hold inside feelings of guilt for many years Although I have put it in quite the same context as my doctor I know I ve definitely Support Plan is now law Toronto Attorney General Howard Hampton announced Monday that the new Family Sup port Plan will come into effect on March 1992 The new plan will allow for the automatic deduction of support payments from in come and will be an important part m the fight against the poverty of women and children Ontario Part of our efforts to fight poverty and the abuse and neglect of women and children must be to highlight these in justices in our society and how they occur said Mr Hampton To that end the Government of Ontario is launching a public awareness campaign which outlines the social and economic costs of unpaid family support The reality is that men com pose per cent of all payors who have support orders filed with the Family Support Plan said Mr Hampton Three quarters of support orders filed with the pro gram are in default to some ex tent More than children are not receiving family support These figure are intolerable There is no good reason for not paying family support and that is the messge we want to get out Over million in support payments are currently unpaid Families who should have receiv ed support payments have turned to social assistance at a cost of million to the province since The new Family Support Plan will require employers to deduct support payments from an employees income and forward those payments to the Family Support office for distribution to support recipients and their children The deduction of sup port will be similar to the way in come tax is collected through payroll deduction It removes the social stigma of garnishment and reinforces that this method is both the normal and optimum way for support payors to honor their courtordered obligations Mr Hampton cautioned that automatic deduction of support from income on its own will not solve the massive social problem of unpaid family support We believe that by Informing the public about the extent of the pro blem and the social and economic costs we can spread the message that it is simply unacceptable not to live up to your responsibilities to your children made changes in my own life to relieve the load of guilt I carry around To ensure I don t saddle my kids with guilt I sometimes take decisions out of their hands and make the choices for them I don t want them to cart around unwarranted and con flict I don want them to feel badly about being a kid I don t want them to see themselves as guilt of causing problems for others I want them to recognize must feel responsible for only those issues over which they have con and the ability to make pro per responses How many times do we say It is my fault when it not A vie of abuse may readily accept blame and feel enormous guilt and remorse over something over which he she had no control The feelings of guilt the root WHY has to be answered before this person can lead a healthy and normal lifestyle I can feel unworthy as a mother That may cause guilt to the point where I abuse myself with all kinds of negative think ing and punishments I may say I m no good I have done that I shouldn t have said that If only I d been home when If I don t get out of or somehow end that guilt trip and negative mindset I m on a downhill course heading straight for depression Often friendsneighbors can reinforce a negative self image in a victim of family violence by not accepting a lifestyle different from their own or values which are not m tune with theirs God made us to be individuals and that means that some of us will be unconventional Being more sen sitive to the needs of others is to ensuring those around us remain healthy Christmas is a terrible time of year for many families Often there is dissention conflict or members missing from family events and dinners Too easily we can say Why did this happen to It is my fault I deserve it I m only worthy of unhappmess Nothing works out for me When circumstances are out of our control this self blame can give us an inappropriate sense of control over the events which have passed We need to accept ourselves and not feel guilty We need to realize our imperfections take responsibility when we can ac that we can change all and LET IT GO without harnessing all that GUILT Feci free to contact by directing tetters to her attention at the Herald All correspondence will remain confidential Should you to speak to call the Distress Centre at 121 1 and your call will be returned If you arc a woman or child in crisis or an abusive male wanting help call the Distress Centre or dial 911 A networking group is available for abused women seeking help and advice The group meets every Wednesday evening 30 pm at Georgetown Hospital For further information on the group please contact Johnston at TEMPO GL TOPAZ THE COMPLETE VALUE STORY FULLY EQUIPPED TEMPO GL AND TOPAZ GS 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