The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

www.insideHALTON.com · OAKVILLE BEAVER Friday, September 14, 2012 · 14 Fighting from suicide to living again This past Monday marked the 10th anniversary of World Suicide Prevention Day -- a day when people are encouraged to discuss solutions to what Children's Mental Health Ontario call the second-leading cause of death among young people in Canada. The Oakville Beaver has explored the issue locally and, over the last few editions, has shared personal stories, helpful information and where to go for support. This is the last instalment in the series. DAVID LEA here's an overwhelming feeling of being lost in a world that is far too big for you. A sense of isolation, like finding yourself at the bottom of a gorge and screaming skyward, but no one hears you. There's a tragic belief that every second things are getting worse and you are so focused on the negative aspects of your life that anything good that happens is immediately dismissed. You see yourself as weak for being depressed and worry others feel this way about you, too. You doubt anyone could possibly understand you or help. Finally, there is the crushing feeling of despair and the only way to escape it is through death. This is how Tara Richardson, 25, described her state of mind during her teens when she struggled with eating disorders and severe depression. The one-time Oakville resident said she attempted suicide so many times she actually lost count. Thankfully, while she is a perfectionist at many things, suicide, she noted wryly, was something she never got right. Today, Richardson, a graduate of Brock University and Sheridan College with a degree in psychology and a diploma in social service work, reads the diaries she wrote during this period and is amazed by the troubled writings of her past self. "It's so sad to see how much I was struggling," she said. "I can't believe I had such low self-esteem. I can't believe I hated myself that much. With the suicide, I just can't believe I was at that stage compared to where I am now. It just seems like a different person." Richardson now speaks at special meetings organized by the Halton Suicide Prevention Coalition and the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health's TAMI (Talking about Mental Illness) program. She hopes that re-telling her story will assist people in situations similar to the one she fought her way through. She described her childhood as happy, but busy, with much of her time spent attending dance classes and horseback riding lessons Her parents, she said, were very loving and she experienced the same sibling rivalry with her two older brothers that seems to serve as a rite of passage during childhood. Problems, she recalled, started during elementary school when Richardson was part of a large circle of friends. Richardson said the leaders of this group would routinely select a girl to chastise and pick on. One day, Richardson began hanging out with one of the ostracized students causing the leaders of her circle of friends to turn on her. She remembers the girls calling her "immature" and "annoying" along with many other equally-stinging insults. "For a moment, I thought it was just girls being girls, but it was so much more hurtful than that," she said. "I've shed too many tears because of those girls." T For Richardson, there were days she ate only candy while other days she would eat healthily. It was then followed by binging and purging. Richardson said the severity of the eating disorders got to the point where she would steal food from the convenience store she worked at. "The bulimia was so powerful in my thought process I didn't even think of the consequences of what I was doing," she said. "It was just something I felt compelled to do and, every night I did it, I felt ashamed." During this period, Richardson said she was a good student, had friends, danced in her spare time and was an active member of school council. Despite all that she had going for her and the positive appearance she put forward, Richardson said she was deeply unhappy and began cutting herself and drinking to cope with this unhappiness. Eventually, her depression worsened and she found herself becoming jealous of people diagnosed with terminal illnesses and crying herself to sleep at night wishing the next day would not come. By Grade 12, Richardson was experiencing her first thoughts of suicide and began obsessively making plans and conditions surrounding how and when she would do it. At one point, the young woman said she began promising herself she would end her life if she locked her keys in her car or if she got rejected or if no one asked her if something was wrong. At around age 18, she made her first suicide attempt. nikki wesley / OAKVILLE BEAVER / @halton_photog Many other attempts would follow. the road is long: Tara Richardson, 25, shares her story of Richardson said these acts were not cries for attention triumphing over an eating disorder and suicidal tendencies. or a desire to reach out to someone -- she genuinely believed she would die each time. "You believe the only answer is to kill yourself," she said. "You don't realize it's a permanent solution to a tempoBy Grade 7, Richardson said the insecurities she had rary problem. It seems like a permanent problem and your about herself had manifested into anorexia, an eating disor- problem-solving skills are non-existent." der where no matter how much weight a person may lose, These suicide attempts resulted in Richardson being all they see when they look in the mirror is the reflection of hospitalized four times so she could receive treatment. someone overweight. The one-time Oakville resident said the first three times This disorder, if not professionally treated, can cause the she was committed involuntarily, the final time she went person to literally starve to death. on her own accord because she finally realized she needed The eating disorders worsened as Richardson entered help. high school. She then became bulimic. The road to recovery was not easy for Richardson or her With this illness, a person binges on food or has regular parents who watched over her. episodes of overeating and feels a loss of control. "We just didn't get it," said Dave Richardson, Tara's The person then induces vomiting to prevent weight father. gain. See Unconditional page 18