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www.insideHALTON.com | OAKVILLE BEAVER | Thursday, June 6, 2013 | 12 I Plugging all of the obvious holes in a plot by Shakespeare don't know how this play ends, there's a good chance that (a) you'll never darken the door of the Stratford Festival Theatre, and (b) you were probably rightly shocked by the ending of the movie Titanic. So never mind. Now, when imparting this most romantic and thoughtful present upon my paramour, I was not necessarily implying, or even intimating, that I would be her escort on this outing or that I would be both bearer and user of that second gave my wife two tickets to Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare (or Francis Bacon, The Earl of Oxford, Christopher Marlow, or whoever) for Valentine's Day. I mean, what could possibly be more romantic than tickets to a tragedy about two young star-crossed lovers whose love takes assorted twists and turns before eventually ending in their untimely deaths? Whoa! I probably should have prefaced that paragraph with a "Spoiler Alert." But, then, if you That's Life Andy Juniper Guest Contributor ticket. You see, I'm an avid theatreavoider. I've been ardently avoiding plays all my life -- musicals in particular (goodness gracious, don't even get me started on musicals) -- and nding creative ways to not attend. "Hey, honey, I've come down with, ah, the plague and my lymph nodes are swollen to the size of lemons, which is a tragedy because I was so looking forward to seeing (insert name of play)." All of which is to say that the theatre is not my cup of tea and that I really dislike tea. Sadly, my wife assumed the implication, and intimation, that I would naturally be her accompanier on this No bars, no springs, and no sagging. You'll want to show all your friends. Montreal-Style Bagels in Mississauga Introductory 20 THE % with this ad. OFF BAGEL HOUSE Valid until June 16/13 905-891-9696 Open · 7am - 10pm · 7 days a week 235 Lakeshore Rd. E., Miss. www.thebagelhouse.com Available only at Burlington location. The Comfort Sleeper® by American Leather 4 Great Locations to Serve You in the GTA Buy 1 Dozen & Get 1 Dozen EARN ONE AEROPLAN® MILE FOR EVERY $2 SPENT ® Aeroplan is a registered trademark of Aimia Canada Inc. Hours: Mon.-Wed. 10-6 · Thur.-Fri. 10-8 · Sat. 10-6 · Sun. 12-5 Expires July 31st, 2013. This Month's Workshops: FREE Oakville Employment Centre 465 Morden Road #109 905.845.1157 | Building a better future thecentre.on.ca/oakville Maximize your Job Search MN 4080 Fairview St. (between Walkers & Appleby) Burlington 905-633-7226 · 1-866-556-7226 · www.scandecor.ca Valid at Mississauga location only. One coupon per person. FREE! outing. Which is how, on a sunny Saturday afternoon, I thusly found myself in a darkened theatre void of natural light and contemporary dialogue, trying to discern the reasons for the rift between two feuding families (the Montagues and the Capulets), and the essence of a love story penned 420 years ago. Suf ce to say, once ensconced in a downtown Stratford bistro after the production, I ordered a stiff Manhattan -- alas, not to numb the pain of the performance, but, rather, to (gasp) celebrate a highly enjoyable afternoon. `Twas not at all bored by The Bard. `Twas taken by a timeless tale and wild and witty word play; by what avid theatre-goers, critics and the like would call `peerless production'; and by performances that made one forget just how sunny it was outside, or how the grass back home was in dire need of a trim. Which is not to imply, or even intimate, that the performance was awless. Surely, I was not the only insightful patron who quickly discerned that the sorry sequence of mishaps, mistiming and miscommunications that led to the eventual death of Romeo and Juliet could all have been easily avoided if the young lovers -- or even the complicit Friar Laurence -- had just texted each other. Or sent each other Twitter messages. Or, heck, even slapped a post up on Facebook? A post like this, from the 13-year-old Juliet, who "doth teach the torches to burn bright." "Romeo. I'm, like, taking the fake-death potion the Friar gave me 2DAY, LOL. Will wake in two days. BRB! 143, yours 4EAE, Juliet." And they say Shakespeare's language is hard to decipher. -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@gmail.com, found on Facebook www.facebook.com, or followed on Twitter at www.twitter.com/thesportjesters. This Employment Ontario service is funded in part by the Government of Canada.