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The Oakville Beaver, W e d n e s d a y N o v e m b e r 6, 2 0 0 2 - A 3 Mom recounts horror of daughter's death L e a r n to r e c o g n iz e s ig n s o f a b u s e , s a y s a n ti- v io le n c e c r u s a d e r By Dona Foucault S P E C IA L T O T H E B EA V ER Victim-less conference details risk factors (Continued from page 1) described several strategies to help pre vent the poor behaviour from escalating to bullying. In a presentation called Early Assessment Risk List fo r Girls, represen tatives from Toronto-based Earlscourt Child and Family Centre outlined how specific risk factors could lead to equally specific behaviour problems in girls aged 6-12. Earlscourt researcher Margaret Walsh showed how various risk factors such as poor mother-daughter attach ment, harsh parenting and low academic performance could lead to aggressive behaviour at school, gang membership Many of the attendees at H alton's annual "Victimless" community policing conference wept quietly^ as anti-violence crusader Dawna Speers spoke of her daughter M onica's tragic death at the hands of an abu sive ex-boyfriend. On Oct. 7, 1991, Monica was bhitally murdered by her ex-boyfriend. Shortly after her daugh ter's death, Speers joined the now-defunct CAVEAT (Canadians Against Violence) and developed Monica's story "so that oth ers would not walk in her footsteps." Speers was at the confer ence, presenting her educa tional package "Choices fo r Positive Youth Relation ships, " which included a presentation of her award winning film A Love that Kills. Her six-step, curriculumbased instructional guide was adopted in 2001 as a pilot project in 14 high schools in four provinces and her film is used as an educa tional tool across Canada, the United States and most recently Europe. The educational program focuses on recognizing the signs of abuse. "As I was writing M onica's story, I realized that there were signs along the way that Monica was becoming a victim," Speers said. "He was chipping away, little by little, at her self esteem until she wasn't her own person anymore." Speers discussed other signs like putting people down, playing on a weakness (Monica had a learning dis ability that Adam used against her on a regular basis), not being allowed to Dawna Speers talk to members of the oppo site sex, increased isolation from family members and economic domination. "If you have ever experi enced even one of these, you could be in an abusive rela tionship," Speers told high school students in the docu mentary. Youth need to be able to talk about their experiences Prevent bullying before it starts By Dona Foucault S P E C IA L T O T H E B EA V ER mall things can spin out of control in big ways. That was the focus of a presentation called Starting on the Right Foot: Effective Bullying Prevention Strategies Start with Young Children given by Brock University professor Zopito A. Marini at Halton's annual "Victim-less" communi ty policing conference Saturday. `Tolerating obnoxious behaviour in young children," can lead to toddlers with irritable, difficult personalities that grad uate to five or six-year-old kids who physically attack, Marini said to 100 people at the Halton Regional Police headquarters on Bronte Road north of the QEW. To avoid such a progression, it's important to focus on pre vention, said Marini. "W hat we're looking for are some good patterns - setting down good emotional and cognitive patterns at a young age." First, Marini said, it's important to qualify the term bully. "Bullying occurs when there is a power differential, whether it's size, intellect or social status." In young children, it's usually characterized by size, he said. `Teach your children that all feelings are okay, but that not all behaviours are okay," said Marini. Also, emphasize using words in a proper manner. "It's okay to be mad, it's not okay to be mean." "Start the discussion in terms of how by using simple words you can change lives - you don't have to throw a punch to hurt someone." For instance, young children should understand that there are different types of teasing. "Teach them how to differenti ate between playful, hurtful and hostile teasing," he said. Young kids do a lot of hurtful teasing that if left unchecked could lead to more hostile teasing (such as harassment) as they get older, Marini explained. In terms of recognizing bullying, it's important to not only focus on the kids with the poorest social skills, Marini told the assembled educators, students, social workers and law enforcement personnel. "We're now finding that there is another type of bully - the socially literate bullies, who use their knowledge to cause pain to other people." Marini used the analogy of a psychological belt to illus trate his point. "When we get into a physical fight, we don't hit below the belt, but these are the kids that intentionally hit below the psy chological belt." Teaching children how feel empathy can be a powerful tool to prevent them from becoming bullies. "The ability to understand someone's feelings is important," said Marini. S and their values to peers and adults in a safe and support ive environment, em pha sized Speers. "The opportunity to share information and develop and practice healthy skills and strategies is imperative to positive youth relationship choices," she said. "Our chil dren are the next generation of educators and parents. Our children are the leaders of tomorrow." . Speers also addressed the ripple effect that violence has on family members. She said that even though her family has adopted an approach "of forgiveness and love," it hasn't been easy for any of them. "My eldest son, who is now 32, still keeps a shrine in his bedroom for Monica," said Speers as she choked back tears. "We have an opportunity here today to stop it now. But it takes a team, all of us. I hope and pray that others will be able to learn from her experience." Adam is currently serving a 14-year sentence for sec ond-degree murder. "What a total waste of two human lives," concluded Speers. For more information visit www.speerssociety.org and adult depression. 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