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`Up-For-Anything Andy' takes advantage of being left alone 13 | Thursday, July 30, 2015 | OAKVILLE BEAVER | www.insideHALTON.com M y wife abandoned me. My children, caught up in their own full, fancy lives, did likewise. So, for a while there -- eight days, to be exact, but who's counting? -- I was either deserted and left to my own devices or, depending on your point of view, freed from the manacles of marriage and parental commitments and afforded opportunity to pilfer pleasure from the rich pageant of reclaimed bachelorhood. I like to think it was the latter: that I have my own life, that I am a self-suf cient, mature, modern man who can more than just fend for himself. A guy who can actually enjoy himself and not spend his entire alone time (all eight days, in case you're counting) unfed, unloved, and stuck in the fetal position weeping for the return of the family that so heartlessly ditched him. Going into this period of time, I was determined to transform myself from organized and responsible husband/father into something altogether more carefree and spontaneous. What better way to be carefree and spontaneous than to create a list of carefree, spontaneous activities? For the time, everyone was away, I'd forego bre, spurn that burdensome food group of fruits and vegetables, eat nothing but raisin That's Life Andy Juniper Guest Contributor toast for breakfast (daughter to father: "Raisin toast? What are you, seven-years-old?"), have bacon with each lunch, start `The Happy Hour' early (and, it goes without saying, end it late), and char dinners -- primal platters of meat and, well, more meat -- on the barbecue. And every night, while watching baseball on television, I'd scarf back a pack of strawberry Twizzlers, no matter how badly my belly ached afterward. No matter how often I'd fret over whether they contained actual strawberries -- a part of that burdensome and banned food group. Furthermore, I'd cycle and swim until my limbs succumbed to repetitive strain. I'd golf until I'd carded more than my ll of triple-bogies. And, not wanting to be a total sloth, I'd putter around the house. But on my own timetable: when I wanted, and only for as long as I wanted, which often netted out at less-than-zero hours. That was the bachelor me. Go with the ow. Run with the wind. Throw caution to the wind in which I was running. Maybe even spit into that wind in which I was running and throwing caution. Hell, if it had been past Labour Day, I'd have worn white in that wind. That's how wild, crazy and rebellious I was feeling. By the end of abandonment, I'd be known as `Up-For-Anything Andy'. Today, Up-For-Anything Andy's wife returns after (let me do the math -- oh, yeah, eight days) from a Switzerland/Italy excur- sion with her sister. The new me has spontaneously planned answers to any questions she may pose upon. For instance, if she asks what I've been up to? "Well, I sure haven't spent the entire time alone, unfed, unloved and in the fetal position weeping for your return, if that's what you're thinking... How long were you gone, anyway?" -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@gmail.com, found on Facebook www.facebook.com, or followed on Twitter at www.twitter.com/thesportjesters. Claude's vaCuum shop Includes Deluxe Air Package Sales · Service · Parts Free Estimates on Repairs Hours: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday · 9am - 6pm Wednesday · 9am - 5pm Saturday · 9am - 4pm sale $39999 Supreme 100, 10 Years Warranty 128 Kerr St., Oakville, ON L6K 3A7 905.842.5658 | claude2@cogeco.net www.claudesvacuum.com A fusion of JApAnese & Chinese Cuisine in the heArt of oAkville! Join us on saturDay, auGust 8 enJoy a Free birtHDay MeaL on us iF your birtHDay is on auGust 8! speciaL GiFts DurinG Dinner tiMe on saturDay, auGust 8 anD tHrouGHout tHe MontH oF auGust Dine in for All You cAn eAt lunCh or Dinner www.August8.cA 7 DAYs A week 5 Locations to serve you better! oAkville 280 north service road W W. @ Dorval al 905-338-6228 BurlinGton 834 Brant Street AyA Kitchens of oAKville 1195 north service roAd west We Do tAkeout! hAMilton 1W Wilson Street · 1066 Upper James St. stoneY Creek 835 Paramount Drive 10% off Dinner only. Cash only & with this ad. 905.847.1522 ayaoakville.com