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www.insideHALTON.com | OAKVILLE BEAVER | Thursday, December 3, 2015 | 22 Men don't like massages... unless, of course, they get one That's I Life 'm completely, utterly, and in all other ways, falling apart. Actually, I've been falling apart for years. As a kid my father used to call me `old aches and pains.' Because even back in my youth, I was certain my body was a lemon, faulty and defective. Very little has changed over the years. Only, `old aches and pains' has grown... older. And achier. And the aches have naturally become more exaggerated, while the pains have intensi ed. To boot, I've added some auto-immune issues to my resume that make me even more susceptible to things like tenderness and tightness. Nowadays, as a hobby, I insert my issues into the titles of great literary works. For example: F . Scott Fitzgerald's Tender is the Night becomes Tender is the Knee. Heck, I've even rewritten a few Christmas carols, which I sing aloud to the consternation of all within earshot: "He's making a list and checking it twice, he's gonna nd out my back's knotted up nice, Santa Claus is Andy Juniper Guest Contributor ally give me the business?" "Yep," she replied. Because she is a huge advocate of massage, and apparently a woman of few words. "No way," I scoffed. "Men don't get massages." She asked me why. coming to town...." Like most seasoned hypochondriacs, I having a slight tendency to complain (and to understate my slight tendencies). A worthwhile suggestion Now, I'll never know whether my wife was driven by all of my assorted aches and pains, or perhaps (gasp) by my insufferable whining, but the other day she suggested (double gasp) that I go and get a professional massage. "You're suggesting," I said, aghast at the very suggestion, "that I go out and pay someone to work me over, to toss me around, to mangle my muscles and gener- No good reason And, of course, I had no reasons that made any sense, even to me. "We, ah, don't like getting touched (except by a very special episode of The Gilmore Girls). We, ah, don't like to disrobe, partially, or otherwise (unless it's in a locker room full of towel-snapping guys). Because massage is, ah, a girl thing? "Honestly," I snapped, "if you're of the male persuasion and you're insistent on getting a massage, well, just hand in your Man Card at the door." So, I handed the receptionist my Man Card and I entered the massage room with trepidation that may well have resembled child-like fear. To the best of my recollection, I wasn't weeping, outwardly, but I was trembling. Slightly. Like the petals of a vulnerable, fragile ower in a hurricane. And for the next 50 minutes, I was manhandled. By a woman (woman-handled?). With the heaven-sent (and lavenderscented) magic hands of a god and the expertise of, well, an expert. She unknotted knots, unkinked kinks, turned tight muscles to mush, and took me to previous unrealized realms of relaxation, and left me reposed on the table, a big puddle of sappy, happy, grateful goo. Adios aches. Bye-bye pain. Like I said previously: men don't like massages. Except for those men who have, well, actually had one.... -- Andy Juniper can be contacted at ajjuniper@gmail.com, found on Facebook www.facebook.com, or followed on Twitter at www.twitter.com/thesportjesters. Follow Oakville Beaver staff on Twitter @OakvilleBeaver, @NewsHooked, @DavidLea6, @JuliaLeReporter, @Beaversports, @herbgarbutt and @Halton_Photog The St.Andrew's Christmas House Tour is a long standing tradition in Oakville and is an exciting way to get you into the Christmas spirit.The tour will present an interesting mix of historical, waterfront and architecturally unique homes. Each home is decorated for the Christmas season by talented local designers, offering visitors an opportunity to soak up the holiday vibe and be inspired to decorate their own homes for the festive season. This year, St.Andrew's Christmas 18th Biennial HouseTour will be held on December 4th & 5th. The tour premieres with a special Candlelight HouseTour & Private Reception held at the Oakville Golf Club on Friday,December 4th commencing at 6:00pm - SOLD OUT! On Saturday,December 5th, St.Andrew's Christmas HouseTour begins at 9:30am ­ 4:00pm. Tickets for the Saturday tour are $40. All proceeds for this year's tour support St. Andrew's Church, Ian Anderson House, The Lighthouse Program for Grieving Children & Kerr Street Mission. www.standrewshousetour.ca 1011 Upper Middle Road East, Oakville · 289-291-0147 · www.walkerschocolates.ca Plum Johnson will be signing her book `They Left Us Everything' about growing up in 26 Trafalgar (one of our gorgeous houses on the tour) at the Parish Centre on Saturday, December 5th from 9:30am to 1:30pm.