The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

6 Oakville Beaver Weekend Sunday May 16, 1999 The Oakville Beaver Ian Oliver Publisher Neil Oliver, Associate Publisher Norman Alexander Editor Kelly Montague, Advertising Director Martin Doherty Circulation Director Ten Casas Office Manager Mark Dills Production Manager Riziero Vertolfi Photography Director Metodand Printing Pubfcrtng & Distrbubng Ltd., hdudas Ajax/PckBnng Nows Acterteer, A lston HeraUrCouriar. Same Advance, Barry's Bay This W eek Bofton E rteprise, Brampton Guarcfen. Bufngton Post, Bukigton Shopping Navs, City Parent. CoingwoocVWasaga Connection, East M ror, B in Adirecata'Countiy Routes. Etobicoke Guarden, Ramborough Post, Georastown Independent/Acton Free Press. Huronia Business Times. Kingston This Week. Lindsay This Week, Markham Ecnomist & Sun, M idland/Penetanguishine M irror. M lton Canadian Champion. M ilton Shopping News, M ississauga Business Tim es. M ississauga News. Napanee G lide, Navmarket/Aurora Era-Banner. Northumberland News, North York Minor. Oakvile Beaver. O akvte Shopping News, OWtrners Hockey News, O rifa Today. Oshawa^W iitby/Ctarington Port Perry This Week. Owen Sound Tribune. Peterborough This Waek, Picton C oin ty Guide, Richmond Hil/ThomhiU/Vaughan Liberal. Scarborough Mirror. S tou flvio lM ncfce Tritxne. Forever \bung, City of >brk Guarcfen 467 Speers Rd., Oakville Ont L6K3S4 (905) 845-3824 Fax: 337-5567 RECOGNIZED FOR EXCELLENCE BY: THE OAKVILLE BEAVER IS PROUD OFFICIAL MEDIA SPONSOR FOR: ° M . . H. Y v m c a ........ j A 2 £ . , „ ' f e s f l r S K \ S ® fM m I f o TV AUCTION --------Jifwjt Bell Fund 1 1 ̂ Editorials Thank you Jean One has to wonder exactly what planet Prime Minister Jean Chretien is on or what he's smoking to conclude that refugees from war-tom Kosovo should ante up $975 to Revenue Canada if they apply for residen­ cy here. King Jean, ruler of the land of the maple leaf, fresh water (som ewhere) and huge natural resources, says these refugees should be treated like any other person seeking to live in this glori­ ous and (arguably) 'free' country. You've got to wonder what motivates this kind of action and what thought process is involved in putting these people through more hardship. Think about it. Here you are, your home has ju been burned to the ground, all of your possessions are gone except for the clothes on your back. Then you have to hike over mountainous terrain, possibly for days, all the time trying to avoid armed men who would kill you just for being a Kosovar. So with your family in tow, tired, hungry, thirsty and possibly in shock, you arrive in Albania and someone from Canada asks who would like to leave for the land of milk and honey. Still hoping to return to your country, you think this might be at least a good interim spot to touch down. You load your family onto a Canadian Armed Forces aircraft and end up at a base in Canada with hopes in building a new life. As your children ride around on donated bicycles and wave Canadian flags, you're told that... "ahem, if you want to stay here, you'll have to give us about $1,000 for the privilege...and by the way, we take VISA, MasterCard or American Express." Someone should tell big Jean that there's a big difference between immigrants and those who have been forced from their country. Perhaps he's not heard about humanitarian aid. You've got to wonder what motivates this kind o f action and what thought process is people through more) The King of Crank speaks his mind I 'm feeling a little cranky. Actually, I'm feeling a lot cranky. Any crankier and I 'd be Crankenstein. I'm not altogether certain how I came to be the feature act on the main stage at Crank-apolooza. Perhaps, my crankiness was set off by the searing sciatic pain that's been shooting from my lower back right down into my thigh ever since I did that dumb and delusion­ al I'm Not Too Old And Decrepit To Rollerblade Vast Expansive Distances thing. Then again, maybe, I've gotten m yself all cranked up over the offensive attitudes of the Toronto Blue Jays (The Boys of Bummer) who are not only stinking up major league baseball, but who are also insisting whenever anyone sticks a microphone near their flapping gums that everything is ju st peachy, that the club's playing "good ball." No, you're not. You're playing pitiful baseball and, furthermore, you're being paid millions of dollars to at least pre­ tend to care that you're causing such a stench. Where are guys like Cone, Molitor, Carter and Winfield -- guys who know what it takes to win; guys with heart -- when you need them? Speaking of stinking up, while I have no idea of what the gross ton­ nage -- and I mean gross tonnage -- of dog-do dropped daily in our town, I'm fairly certain most of it is deposited on the sidewalks along my jogging route. Each day as I weave and dodge the feces, as I strive to not blow the lid off my fragile crank-ometer, I try to get inside the head of a dog owner whose pet has just done its busi­ ness on the sidewalk. Hmmm, the owner must think: Rover has just done his messy business smack- dab in the middle of the sidewalk, where lots of people are bound to step in it. Should I scoop it up, or walk away really fast? Oh, yeah, I think I'd better walk away really fast. Think again, flea-brain. Bend over and scoop it up. You know, now that I think about it, maybe what turned me into Mr. Crankypants was the onset of summer-like weather, and the subsequent return o f the Obsessive Lawn Freaks. You know the people I 'm talking about. Sadsacks who spend the vast majority of their waking hours per­ fecting their lawns. Because Lawnliness is next to Godliness. Although I really think these people should get a life -- it's a lawn, man, a lawn! -- I 'm not about to begrudge a guy something as heavenly as great grass. Still, I can't control my crankiness, when I see these perfectionists over­ watering their lawns for hours each day. Maybe, these people haven't heard that our kids' generation will face fresh-water shortages unless our generation grabs a brain. Finally, I don't think it was sci­ atic pain, blundering Blue Jays, manure-for-brains dog-owners, or even Total Lawn Losers that really made me this cranky. No, I think what really got me going was that classic case of the incredible oxy­ moron known as M ilitary Intelligence. T hat's right, I 'm referring to the NATO bomb that blew up the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. Oops! Apparently, the brilliant military minds thought the embassy -- which is even listed as an embassy in the local telephone directory -- was, well, something else. Smart bomb, guys. All of which leaves me cranky, and the world a whole heckuva lot scarier place to live. I realize, I rant. I guess you shouldn't have gotten me started. Although I'm not sure there's any way to stop me, The Undisputed King of Crank. Plld By Steve Nease