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in si de ha lto n. co m O ak vi lle B ea ve r | T hu rs da y, F eb ru ar y 24 ,2 02 2 | 42 Dear Readers: It's a mantra of mine regarding this column: The most im- portant relationship we each have is with our- selves. Before there's the other person in our grown-up lives, there's our self-fo- cused childhood, then the experimenting teenager, until as adults we confront the ongoing impact of the sound of chatter inside our own heads. No wonder I was eager to talk recently with the award-winning University of Michigan neuroscientist and bestselling author, Dr. Ethan Kross, about his bestselling book "Chatter: The Voice in Our Head." Scores of relationship- seekers have written me during this socially nerve- wracking pandemic about unhappy "chats" with them- selves, as even online dating became more elusive. There was a man who "liked" several women's dating-site profiles, but never got a response. There was a woman who talked online with someone sever- al times, then suddenly never heard from that per- son again. It's for them, and count- less others dealing with "negative chatter" in their self-image, that Dr. Kross says he wrote his book -- to share information that normally isn't taught (or addressed) till we're stuck with potentially self-de- feating views. In many cases, it's our "inner voice" that's causing us to feel sadness and anxi- ety. Yet, as Kross enthuses, it's "a remarkable tool, pro- viding your own ability to silently use (positive) lan- guage" to help you plan, stimulate your own thoughts, and apply self- control. (Consider, for example, the benefit to your relation- ship of just telling yourself that a particular disagree- ment's just not worth a fight.) That inner voice also helps people retell their own story rather than ac- cept chatter that clouds their self-image. "When you harness your inner voice, you free the positive side, and stop beating your- self up," Kross says. Asked how people can do that on their own, he speaks of "three buckets" of use: 1) Using your own name, talk silently to yourself as you would to another (as in, "OK, Ellie, it's time to fo- cus on your work"); 2) Use your inner voice for mental time-travel (e.g., "how much will this boring date matter to me in a cou- ple of weeks?"). 3) Walk in nature. When we're surrounded by inter- esting things, the mind drifts to restore positive thoughts and experience the sense of awe of a beauti- ful sunset. For those who once thought talking to yourself was a quirky oddball thing, the science and hope that evolves from "Chatter" is the sort that, in your rela- tionship with yourself, gives each of us a lot of choice and agency in how we create our own story about ourselves and en- gage with the world. My take on all this: Not only is the self-relationship most important, but you can benefit from the con- nections with others in your life, by using your in- ner-voice chatter as a posi- tive tool. For daters, this book brings new insights, and hopes. Some tips specific to dat- ing: Venting about a ro- mance that didn't work out is fine if you have a friend who not only listens but em- pathizes and contributes positive feedback. However, venting on social media just releases toxic language and thoughts that keep you beat- ing yourself up, mentally and emotionally. When you meet someone new, tell the good, healthy stories about yourself -- sto- ries that make sense about who you really are. Stop tell- ing yourself the worst things possible about your own nature. Kross stresses, "When you say self-defeat- ing things to others from al- lowing negative chatter in your head, you can push away those who really love and care about you." ELLIE'S TIP Don't just listen to your inner voice, use it in rela- tionships to maintain a healthy, positive self-im- age. Just in time for Valen- tine's Day. Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toron- to. Send your relationship questions via email: el- lie@thestar.ca. FIX YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF BY TALKING IT OUT: ASK ELLIE OPINION ELLIE TESHER Column SIGN UP FOR OUR WEEKLY NEWSLETTER AT INSIDEHALTON.COM OF THE WEEK #3 - 2110 Marine Drive, Oakville, OntariO, l6l 1B7 lakeSiDe livinGWitH an aBUnDanCe OF QUalitY & MODern lUXUrY!! Spectacular unobstructed lakefront view from this stunning completely renovated townhouse. Boasting luxurious quality upgrades & meticulous attention to detail. Ideally located in the coveted 'Harbour Estates' in Bronte Village offering3bedrooms, 4bathrooms, family room, 3 walkouts & 2141 square feet of outstanding living space. Rare open concept design. This home has it all!! Home SullivanRealEstate.ca Real Estate Team Real Estate Broker Matt Sullivan SalES REpRESEntativE 905-580-9196 matt@sullivanrealestate.ca anita Sullivan BRokER / REaltoR 905-466-4900 anita@sullivanrealestate.ca