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~< , > / J •* -;v« PUMPKIK PIES. 1 *v» tried the beet In East and Wert, . nptuncbed 'neath tropic SUB, • V J I've te'te.l all The fruits that fall, * ini like ttem every one; * But North or South No human month, 1*« the worui appriae, , .. j;»er tasted food • ine-half so good iM OUr o»n pumpkin pies. Upon the vine, --:-- • In rain and ^ Throngh fragrant day and ntgtrt, 'I'he yellow globe , • 'm ptn* raid robe 4 Drink* up ,1jp f'lmmer light. Oh, golden sweet, The »uns repeat To mold thy luscious also, That we may come " At^d rail thee home, Aad make oar pumpkin ptes. Our lovely pirls, With shining cuite, . «t neatly ir. a cap, Cut slice on Klioe And pe« 1 it nice, • And stew it to a pap; Then milk is had, , , And eggs they add. And •weeten as is wise. While others haste To spice to tiiste Theee home-made pumpkin plea. Ob *»nre and fair, , This food so rare, Made up of si! thfjt"* beatJ No creature B pain Goes to its gam, Bnt only nature's zeRt; * ' For summer <3aya And autumn h&ge And miiiles from beauty'i eyes Art* in the dish. Mixed to oar wish. That we call pumpkin pies. No wotuler, then. That loyal ipen, Ftom Fl*>rida<o Maine, Their quarter eat, .... The same repeat. And pass their plate again That exiles fret With vain regret, And Tex the air with eigha, When foioed to •toy In climes away From their own pumpkin piee. 80 to our boast I give a toast, Embroidered all in rhyme: Hay pumpkins round With us abound Through future autumn-time! And may our girls. With shining curia And tender beaming eyes, AH learn by heart The happy art Of making yumpkin plea! «A PERFECT TREASURE." One day Frank came home with a look of triumph. " I have a perfect treasure for you," he said, " in the way of a nurse. Gerald Temple is going to take his family to Europe, and, when he heard what you wanted, offered to let us have their nurse, whom they will not want." I beard a low nigh. Virginia, Frank's only sister, had been sitting in a corner of the drawing-room. She rose now and •lipped out " How could you, Frank ?" I said, fol­ lowing her with sad eyes. "I have never heard your sister speak of the Temples since sbe h/is live<" -with us; the *ery mention of their name brings back the memory of Oerald's brother, and all that lad tragedy." "I am sorry," said Frank, " but I did not know she was in the room. Poor Virginia!" "Yes! Poor Virginia I" I said to myself. But once the loveliest little creature I ever knew. It is something of a story, but it is an "ower true tale," and I will tell it in the shortest way I can: Vit ginia and Frank were orphans, and old Mrs. Chichester, their grandmother, had adopted Virginia almost from in­ fancy. The old lady had very ambitious hopes of making a splendid match for her beautiful grandchild. But Vir­ ginia thought different; and when she was 17, at the time of my wedding, she an«2 Langley Temple were insane enough to fall desperately in love with each other. Langley was Frank's most inti­ mate friend, and the pair met contin­ ually at our house, until Grandma Chi­ chester found it out. After a while Langley was ordered to his ship (he was in the uavy) ; but Frank waged war with grandma until he obtained a viperish consent that the lovers might correspond. Grandma took pains not to let Frank know how Virginia was tormented and tyrannized over until the poor child con sented to go out into society again j and there she met and made conquest of the very man whom grandma had intended lor her beauty--Horace Kent Virginia lefused him ; but grandma said, scorn­ fully, 1 '.Tba made no difference. She would come to her senses soon," and, to my utter amazement, the preparation of the trovwau went on, and by-and-by we were bidden to the wedding--a quite elegant affair, where Virginia walked and talked an if she was frozen. Frank «nd I confessed to each other, that night, that the business passed our com­ prehension, for we had no idea then of soul play. Kent and Virginia were to --il for Europe within a fortnight of their mar­ riage, and went to "Washington and Bal­ timore to pass that time. Ltft alone one evening in Baltimore, with a severe headache, Virginia remembered to have seen some aromatic vinegar in her hus­ band's dressing case. Kent was peculiar in his careful way of locking up his longings, and she took her own bunch of keys to open the box, when, rather to her surprise, she found the key leit in the box. Some listless, vague impulse " which she never afterward could account for, prompted her to lift the upper tray, although she had found the vinegar al' ready.. Underneath, to her surprise, she found paper, and was about return­ ing the tray to its place without further examination, when her eyes were caught by the words: "My own Virginia," in a dear, a too well-known handwriting. When Kent came back that night, he found liis beautiful young wife senseless upon her bed, with two letters crumpled between her cold fingers--one, the last letter Langley had actually written her ; the other, the base forgery in which he asked to be released froih his engage­ ment Kent was not at all bad. He lovttd her madly, and you may be sure that his sore punishment began when, after the physician had got her out of the death-like swoon, the first words came to Virginia's lips, in tbat strange, passionless tone which is far worse than .anger, were, "Remember 1 I will never > "forgive you--never 1' >» They came back to New York for a single day; but Virginia saw no one but her grandmother. The old lady upon her deathbed raved of that interview, and vainly implored her forgiveness for urging Kent on to his treachery. The newly-wedded pair sailed in the ill-fated ship which took fire off the ooast of Nova Scotia, and whose name still carries ter­ ror to many a heart Virginia was one of the handful of survivors; her un­ happy husband fought for her place in the boat, and remaining behind him­ self, perished with the ship. The agony of terror, the long night which she spent at the mercy of the waves, proved too much strain upon her already overbur­ dened frame, and Frank and I were summoned by telegraph to her at Hali­ fax, where she lay for days unconscious with a brain fever. And then, to add to her misery, when recovering she was thrown into a nearly fatal relapse by see­ ing accidentally that the Pecumseh had gone down in the attack on Mobile har­ bor, with every soul on board. The Tecumseh was Langley's ship. Virginia came to live with us about two years before the commencement of my story. She seemed to feel a sorrowful remorse about her husband, whi ch was not grief, and yet it cast a shadow over her life. "He was treacherous and false," she said to me one day, "and he broke my heart; but what right have I to judge him f Harrie, I told him I would never forgive him, and he died thinking himself miforgiven." Of Langley she never spoke. Well, the "perfect treasure " made her appearance. She was a rather young woman, with a pleasant, low voice, and very good manner for one of her station. 1 was charmed. Certainly this girl seemed determined to please me ; she did her work in a faultless, neat way ; she amused and played with the twins; and baby had more quiet nights than 1 had known him to have for weeks. So, after a month's trial, I began to sing Alice's praises #tnd allowed her full contiol in her department, with a good many privileges. Virginia alone, did not seem to like her. Virginia bad a curious way of looking at new faces--a searching, penetrating glance, that I always thought had a sort of mesmerism in it, all the stranger because her eyes were so gentle and soft Alice never met the look fairly, as I remem­ bered afterward. It was in the spring of '66. The clos­ ing scenes of tho war were crowding thick and fast upon each other. Virginia kept her room a good deal. The warm April weather seemed to enervate her, and she shrank away from the joy and enthusiasm we all exhibited. Poor chil 1! It was hard for her to hear of the soldiers and sailors who would be coming home now, and to feel that for her sore heart peace would bring no balm. One night Frank had taken a box at the Italian opera in New York. We lived in Brooklyn, and, as Kellogg was to sing, I begged Virginia to go with-us. But she steadily declined. She would stay at home and keep house, she said. Now, two of my servants were at a fire­ men's ball that night, leaving only Alice and the cook at home; so I must say I felt rather more easy about the children when I found that Virginia would not go. Going from New York to Brooklyn at night, however, is a long journey, and it was close upon 1 o'clock when we drove up to our door. In the meantime, Virginia, after our departure, had sat for some time writing letters in her own room. The. twins were having a noisy romp in the nur­ sery; and, when she looked in to say good-night, Fred fastened himself upon her neck, and begged to come and stay with Auntie; she yielded, and then Fred began building card-houses on the sofa until he got tired, when he ourled him­ self in a corner, and in two seconds was fast asleep. Bein^ very much interested in her book, Virginia left the little fel­ low sleep on, thinking that by- and-by she would take him up to her room and put him to bed there, as she frequently did. At last she fell asleep herself. She never knew how long she slept, but had a painful, nightmare sensation, as if somebody was trying to smother her, and, after struggling with the feel­ ing for some time, she slowly, and with a great effort, opened her eyes. Why ! what has happened to the room ? The gas must have gone out--it was totally dark, save a flickering gleam from the .dying fire on the hetxth; and what a sickening, deadly smell tLere *Fas! With lightning rapidity which is more like instinct than thought, it suddenly flashed upon her what tho strange smell was-- chl ioform! Then, as she caught her frightened breath, and sank back into her chair, a low sound of voices from the dining-room reached her ear. The door between the rooms was ajar, and she saw a thiead of light from it; the voice she heard was a man's: "Ye didn't give the young 'oman too much o' that stuff, did ye ? it asked, rather anxiously. " I wish I had," returned Alice's low and stealthy voice; " I hate her E she suspects me." "Ha! ha!" gurgled the man, "she must ha' been mighty oncivil to ye; ye usually gets on the right side of 'em. Is that 'ere pitcher silver or plate?" " Plate; the silver is up-stairs." Virginia shook when she heard the venom of that low voice. "She was Mr. Langley's lady-love until her old grandma stopped it "And what was Mr. Langley to you, my girl?" said the man. " Hush! you'll wake the child, and I do not want to do him any harm. Mr. Langley "--the woman's voice softened --" never said a dozen words to me in his life; but look you, Vincent, i fairly worshiped him." That's right; tell me all, as I'm yer husband that is to be," said the other, with a coarse laugh. " Mrs. Kent has splendid jewels, too. I just picked the lock to look at them. You can take as many of those as you like. Come!" As soon as the sound of their footsteps died away, Virginia snatched the deadly handkerchief off her head, and staggered to her feet, though dizzily. She was a very spirited girl, and determined that the pair should not escape. But what could she do ? It was in vain to think of getting the cook to alarm their neigh - bors at the corner, for the next lot was vacant, and she must cross the hall and go past the stairs to find her. There would be no use in throwing up the win­ dow and screaming; the house was on Clinton avenue, quite far out, and the policeman on that beat did net come past very often. i Virginia wrung her hards, when a sleepy murmur of "Auntie!" startled her. In a second her resolve was taken, and she was on her knees by Fred, kiss­ ing him and whispering in his ear. " Fred, my darling, Auntie is going to do something funny. You remember how pa jumped yon down from the bal­ cony on Christmas day to run after the monkey,? I am going to jump you down. Don't speak a word now. Act like a man. There, now!" Fred was just 4 yean old, but a great boy for his age, ana he always obeyed Virginia implicitly : so he rubbed his eyes wide open, and was carried to the window. The balcony, outside, was not far from the ground. As Virginia looked out carefully, she saw, under the gaslight -lit the corner, a tall figure with the gleam of brass buttons. " Fred," she wliispered rapidly, " run to that policeman, and tell him to come right here to Auntie ; then go to Mr. Motley's, at the corner, and ring the bell with all your might--it is low, and you can reach it--and tell George and Harry Motley that Aunt Virginia siays there is a thief in the house. Don't be afraid, Fred ; be a man like papa!" Over, gently, over the low railing ; and then, with a good shake of. his small person, Fred's fat little legs trotted swiftly off toward the po- lieeman. Directly, under the balcony, a voice said, poftly : " What is wanted, ma'am ! Can you open the front doer for me ?" "I cannot," she panted ; "there are burglars in the house, and I should be heard. Can you get up here, somehow ? Has the nfctle boy gone to the neigh­ bor's ?" There wns no answer to her question ; but the policeman easily followed her suggestion, and climbed up over the balcony. "Wait!" whispered Virginia, laying her cold hand on the policeman's arm, as he made a motion to.go forward. " They are up stairs in my room, look­ ing for my jewels. If you will stand just behind that door, I will creep up the back stairs and reconnoiter ; if the woman comes to answer the bell, seize her. There is only one man; if I want help I will call, and then you will rush up the front stairs." " Are you not afraid ?" asked the po­ liceman with some surprise; hut Vir ginia was gone before he had flpiafred his remark. When she reached the stairs, she found by the sounds that the man had evidently gone into the silver-closet, which stood on the other side of the back stairs, and that now she was be tween the two--for she could hear Alice walking around in the bed-room. Quick as a flash the litttle figure glided up­ stairs, slipping off her boots on the lowest step; there was no light in the hall, except tbat afforded by the bur­ glar's lantern, for the gas was turn down low, and the lantern set inside the closet door. The door opened outward, and the key was in it; a spring, a sudden bang, and then the click of the key in Virginia's nervous fingers, as she turned it in the lock. A tremendous curse came from the captured thief, as she leaned, breathlessly^against the door. The same moment the gaslight behind her was suddenly turned on her, and Alice con­ fronted Virginia. " You here, madam ? Well, you and I are quits, anyhow. Open that door, or I'll send a bullet through your head ! You didn't think of my haying a revolv*^ er, did you ?" " No," sai4 Virginia, looking in the girl's furious eye with her peculiarly calm smile. "Help! Police!" "You may split your pretty throat calling," said Alice, seizing her sav­ agely by the arm. " No one will come ; the COOK is drugged, and you are at our mercy. Give me the key !" '•I'll trouble you for that pistol!" said a stern voice behind Virginia, as a quick, strong arm jerked the weapon away from Alice. Alice, with a shriek, fell on the floor, for she realized all at once. But Vir­ ginia, gasping " Ah, my God1" gazed as if turned to stone, for it was Langley Temple tnat she saw. "Virginia, don't be terrified," he said ; " it is my very self, no ghost. Take my hand, love ; see, it is flesh and blood, like your own, dear." He had her in his arms. The door-bell w«s ringing furiously, but he would have let the neighbors pull the wire till it broke before he would have left her in that dumb, shocked state. As he touched her she trembled violently ; then the light came back to her eyes, and, with a sob of joy, Virginia flung herself on ths breast of him whom she had riourned as dead. The Motleys had time to think that Virginia was murdered before the pair opened the door. Very much surprised were they to see, instead of the police­ man they expected to find, a very tall, handsome young man, a stranger, in un­ dress navy uniform. Fred, now that his part of the fun was over, began to roar, and Virginia t<>ok him up in her arms, while the three gentlemen, assisted by the real Simon-Pure policeman, a brawny son of Erin, opened the closet and secured the prisoner. Within the next fifteen minutes the other servants had returned--for the burglary took place before 11 o'clock--and Alice, hav­ ing recovered from her swoon, was car-1 ried to the station-house. I don't know how Langley and Vir­ ginia was occupied till my return; but when Frank thrust his latch-key into the door, Virginia flew out of the library, and tried, with a few incoherent sen­ tences, to prepare me for seeing some­ thing. The conseque nee was, that, when I pushed the door open in a very bewil­ dered frame of mind, and saw Langley smiling at me, I was terrified almost out of my senses, and catuo near fainting. To the best of my recollection, the household <*at up nearly all night, though finally, alter I bad tieard ^he whole story, been speechless over Virginia's bravery, and hugged Fred--now asleep in the arm-ehair--Frank dragged me off to bed. 1 don't know that Langley and Vir­ ginia sat there till morniug, but cer­ tainly the first persons I saw upon com­ ing down to breakfast were themselves, nn the identical sofa where I had left them. Langley's story is too long a one to be told here. Suffice it to say that being on deck when the Tecumseh sunk, he had been able to strike out from the sinking ship, and, under cover of the smoke and roar of battle, to swim ashore. There, however, he was taken prisoner, and kept in close confinement for some months, finally making his escape. Coming direct to Frank for intelligence before presenting himself to his family, he had stopped to light a cigar under the gaslight, where Virginia had mis­ taken him for a polioeman. He had known her instantly, and probably only her fright and agitation prevented her from recognizing his voice, which, as he mischievously told her, he did not disguise in the least. Alice and her accomplice were identi­ fied by the polioe as-old offenders. The woman had carried en a systematic pil­ fering at the Temples', and was an ac­ complished hypocrite. To my intense gratification the pair were sentenced for a full term in Sing Sing. Langley and Virginia were married very soon after. Frank gave away the lovely little bride, whose ftur girlish bloom had come back to her, and who, under the influence of love, seemed a different woman from the pale, sad creature who had moved so quietly about the house. They idolize eaoh other, and I think have quite forgiven Grandma Chichester and poor Horace Kent. Fred has al­ ways been a great pet with his aunt for his bravery on the night of the attempt­ ed burglary. * Between Fred's boasting and my sly teasing, poor Frank will never be allowed to forget his instrumentality in intro­ ducing me to such "a perfect treasure." --Exchange. BENNETT--MAY. The First Authentic Account of the Duel. [From the New York Sun.] Friends of Mr. May were much troubled by a suspicion which was growing prevalent that his conduct in the course of the duel had not been creditable, but a knowledge of the truth in regard to'his extraordinary behavior was confined to but four, and the num­ ber of those who had any suspicion of the depth of disgrace which he had brought upon himself was small. Mr- Bennett fully intended to marry Miss May until the rupture occurred. Rooms were fitted up in his house at Fifth av­ enue and Thirty-eighth street in the most sumptuous manner for her occu­ pation. Those who have seen the apartments declare them to be marvels of artistic magnificenoe. After the assault on the 21st Mr. Bennett desired to find means of set tling the matter without the publicity and scandal whioh would surely be consequent upon a duel. Several con sultations were held between him and his friends, but they had all resulted in the conclusion that a duel must fol low the street encounter. A challenge was sent; the arrangements, including the drawing up of a new mil by Mr. Bennett, were completed, and the prki cipals with their friends and a police surgeon not wholly unknown to fame, by devions routes arrived at the dueling ground at Marydeli, Md. The first shot went to Mr. May. If he could kill or disable his antagonist while the words " one, two, three" were de­ livered in rapid succession by the other's second, he was safe. If he should fail, it would be his turn to be a target for the the bullet of his opponent. If, however, he fired be­ fore or after the words, he was, by the code, a coward, and in case he killed his opponent, a murderer. This arrange ment has been found to be fairer than it seems at first thought to the duelist who has the second shot, for the nervousness of a man who discharges his pistol first discomposes his aim and acts as a shield to the other, and in the present case Mr. May betrayed a nervousness strongly at variance with his reputation as a cool and aocurate marksman.. When he took his position he was observed to be great­ ly discomposed. Mr. Bennett, on*the other hand, showed no sign of trepida tion, either in speech or manner, and from the first seemed to look upon the meeting rather as a disagreeable than a dangerous occurrence. Arrangements having been completed, the two princi pals took their positions at a distance of about twelve yards apart. The pis­ tols were loaded and handed to them, and the secouds retired to one side. Then came the question, "Are you ready ?" Immediately, and before " one " could be given, Mr. May raised his pistol, took hasty aim, and pulled the trigger. The weapon missed fire. On receiving the intimation that it was his turn, Mr. Bennett raised his pistol, cried scornfully, " I could kill you now if I wished," and, pointing it into the air, fired quickly. The duelists then saluted one another, when, suddenly overcome by shame and mortification, to the utmost amazement of all pres­ ent, Frederick May turned and hurried away, unable longer to face his disgrace. It was no impulse of generosity on the part of Mr. Bennett, as all felt, which caused him to lire into the air, but a sudden desire to repay with interest the mortifi­ cation which he had felt in the public lashing before the club-house. No words passed between the two principals at any time chiting the meeting, except Mr. Bennett's remark when he fired his pis­ tol in the air, and the propositions so often mentioned were a mere myth. As soon as the tall form of the retreating duelist was out of sight, the rest of the party returned to the railway station. The Dance of Death. It was New Year's night at Cole Camp, sixteen miles from Sedalia, Mo., and there was a bar in the ball-room. A young man, while dancing near the counter, staggered, fell to tne floor, and broke his nose. It was so common an incident that no attention was paid to it The man lay on the floor for half an hour, and the danoe went on. A physi- cian came in, felt the man's pulse, and gravely remarked that he would die in a short time. The dance went on. In twenty minutes the man was dead. As the waltzers whirled by the corpse, they chatted pleasantly about the cause of death. Some thought that it was the bad quality of the whisky; others at­ tributed it to undue indulgence in Kim* mel; others said it was the shock caused by the fall; others mentioned heart dis­ ease. But the dance went on at Camp Cole until daybreak, although the man under the bar had increased his distance/ from Sedalia. " TURKEY'S DEFUNCE. Failure «h* Conference of the Am. peas Powers. [From the Ohioago Trtbnno.] The entangled web of European com­ plications is at last unraveled, so far as the relations of Turkey and Russia are oonoerned. The work of the confer­ ence is over, and the Plenipotentiaries py this time are on their war-vessels sail­ ing for home, without having accom­ plished any valuable result in righting the wrongs of the Sclavio Christians or guaranteeing them immunity from Turk­ ish tyranny in the future. The result is a melancholy one, to say the least Great expectations wre based upon this conference. Every leading power in Europe was represented in it by some 5 i f j!3 ®?* men» and England sent un­ do". _ --~»y Jio most brilliant diplomat she possesses. They met with s great flour­ ish of trumpets, and at the outset impressed the world with the hope, based upon the firmness with which they treated the question of armistice between Turkey and Servia, that they would present such an ultimatum, and in such a manner as would inevitably impress the Porte with the conviction thai tne great powers were in earnest, and that, unless Turkey conceded and gn&iantesd the reforms which Russia had demanded, she would incur the dis­ pleasure of all Europe. As time went on, however, the conference dropped of the most material demands which had been made with so much blus­ ter, and so modified others that at last there was scarcely one of the propo­ sitions that had been made m the An. drassy note, the Berlin memorandum, the English note, or IgnatiefFs Russian ul­ timatum. that had not been evaded or discarded altogether by the audacity and sharpness of Turkish statecraft The conference, however, ooald not yield everything without the admission that the great powers had been over­ whelmed by Turkey in the diplomatic game. They must make a stand some­ where, and they made it upon the ques­ tion of an international commission to supervise the reforms promised by Tur­ key in her Utopian paper constitution, during a limited time, and it was laid before Turkey as an ultimatum. It might have been accepted by the Porte without at all weakening its hold upon its provinces, and would have oost the Turks nothing bnt a little humiliation; but even this small price it appears they were not prepared to pay. Having checked the conference at every step, they suddenly checkmated it with the prompt refusal not only to accept the ast remaining proposition of the pow­ ers, but with defiant announcement that they would not allow any foreign inter­ ference in their affairs, saying whioh they politely but resolutely showed the Plenipotentiaries to the door. The decision has been made with astonish­ ing unanimity. It is not the Sultan alone, nor the Sultan acting upon the advice of his Premier, which has thus confronted all Europe. It comes from council of the magnates of the em­ pire--Turks, Greeks, Armenians, <wid Christians-- wiio unanimously informed the conference not only that their propo­ sals were rejected, but that they (the Turks) would discuss nothing further except their own counter-proposals; that they preferred death to dishonor, and would rather have war than any foreign interference. The prompt and vigorous action of the Turks has thus simplified mat­ ters. Some one must back squarely down or there must be a fight MOUTH AM) JEtES. »T ETHKL LYX*. Like remembered worda of a wornont eong Conies a piping voice from the ohildiah thrones, A 1 m * m o u t l 1 o p e n , a n d e h u t y o u r W M t Ana l il nive you something to make yon e8t,S'®^' wlth hl8 "nonth agape, Shut hiB eyelida down for a tiny nap. But doubting Frankie prefers to keen A vigil stern through hte feigned uleey. 'TIS the echo still of the serpent's .".poeeh. That seems through the aialea of year* to reach Down from tempted Eve and the lunoiona sphere To the cry of the children's voices here, " To make one wise." Not a gaudv lure • To entrap the rude, untutored boor ' For the eyes that look on the bending beach Of the Tree of Knowledge open now* On the gathered love that has gone baton- On the worthless heart of the apple's oow. And the open mouth for an atom waits Or a protoplasm, to pass its gates. How the children Jeer. Courage, little Ted. Never mind the laugh of the prudent Fred. Perchance it is better still to trust, Tho' the month be filled with a bitter duat. It is better Ted inavbe, after all, To srust our way tho1 the heavens fall, And with open mouth, and with lidded eyee, BtiH 86e£ the jjiii Uiat shall make tis • Safety from Fire. Considerable discussion is going on in Chicago regarding safety from fire in theaters and public halls. The Superin­ tendent of Buildings for that city recent­ ly made an elaborate report, after a care­ ful inspection of the different dramatic temples, in which nearly all of them were condemned as mere tire-tr&ps. The only exception to the sweeptng condem­ nation was McVicker's theater, and even in the case of that the Building Superin­ tendent made some suggestions whereby , Pith ant! Point. AH atrocious jester advised a dropsi­ cal patient to get " bailed out" rt1" proposes "--but there are still 31,000 more women than m<m in Mna.* _ chuaetts. " Wiiiiii, Bridget, is there a fire in my room?" "Sure, mim, yis, there's a fire--but it's out" Is A man "trifling with the press" when he goes to a cider mill ̂ steals a bucketful of apple juice f THE latest addition to the literature of signs is as follows : " Express.n & xi uCkf2i & Movi,u uGii u6f@.M THB heat J of the approaching summer will find ample assuagement in the beau- tiful ice that is being at present paoked away. IT will soon be time to write a page and a half in a new diary before yon lose it, or your wife takes it to keep the milk account in. THERE are 170,000 wolves in Russia. The man who counted them has been severely missed in this country in thig country the past month. " HUSBAND, I don't know where THST boy got his bad temper. I am sore not from me." "No, my dear; for I don't find that yon have lost any." ONE of the sable orators of old Vir ginia made a good point when he said "De oyster got mo' sense dan some folks, 'cause he know when to keep his mouf shet" THIS is the season when the falling icicle smites the spinal summit of the unsuspecting pedestrian, and interrupts the flow of those buoyant spirits that make him feel "like a morning star." A NEGRO in South Carolina, who was complaining of the hard times, declared they were the hardest ever known. "Why," said he, " I works all day an' steals all night, an' then can't get an honest living." THAT was a wag who, when permitted by the Judge to select the kind of a tree he would be hanged from, chose a gooseberry bush. If he were allowed to choose his mode of death these days, he would ask to be shot by Bennett and May. AT a spiritualistic expose: The man­ ager--" Will any gentleman in the audience mention a deceased friend or relative whose spirit he would like to appear?" Voice--" I would like to see my mother-in-law." The manager-- "You had better go home then." THB SNEEZB. What a moment! what a doubt! All my nose 1B Inside out; All my thrilling, tickling caustic, Pyramid rhinosceroetic, Wants to sneeze, and cannot do it, How it yearns me, stings me, thrills me! Now says, " Sneeze, you gooae; get through it." Shee--shee --Oh ! tie most del--ishi-- Ishi--ishi--most del--ishi. ' Aiiii this falling down on sidewalks is sheer nonsense," observed the old man; " it is worse than that--it is down­ right carelessness. Now, when a man reaches a slippery place b'ke this, for in­ stance, he must--ah-wow I--gosh i" he thought improvements might be in-1 when the old chap got through troduced for the protection of human I stones^ and splitting.boards, THS oldest inhabitant is almost unani­ mously predicting an early spring. life in case of fire. Mr. James. H. Mo- Yicker, the proprietor of the theater, has been hoard from on the subject In a letter printed in the Chicago papers he says : " I claim for McVicker's theater that it is the best in regard to outlet of any theater in the country; that it is better built than nine-tenths of them, and that the precautions taken against fire are superior to any of them; the upper circle is better provided with outlets than any other theater in the country, and I doubt if the*© is one better in the world. It is an impossi­ bility for those in it to form a blockade. Over two thousand persons have fre­ quently passed out of McVicker's theater without haste, insi lt of four minutes. In a well-regulatwi and cor­ rectly-disciplined theater, no ire should ever gain sufficient headwuf auring a performance to endanger tht- lives of an audience. In ihe history of our coun try we have had but two calamities of this nature in theaters. The cause of the first was from doors opening in --that of the second was from careless­ ness. That thorough laws should be enacted and enforced in regard to thea­ ters and all places of public assembly I have always contended, t>ut the subjec has received no attention of a proper kind in any State in the Union. I have done what I deem my duty, and shall continue to do so. Our true duty is to avoid the cause of panic, to check care­ lessness and provide for its punishment, when life or property is sacrificed by it I am now preparing to make all material in McVicker's non-inflammable to such an extent that I feel justified in dropping all insurance unless my views are met in regard to rates. In the meantime, the public should have some regard for their own safety and discernment, in­ stead of being led Dy loud advertise­ ments to a special attraction, no matter where given." he lay on his back and helplessly in­ quired: "ami all here?" ̂ Costly Laces and Jewelry. Queen Isabella, of Spain, possesses a collection of old laces which cannot be equaled in Europe, and which is worth several millions. Productions of all countries, kinds and ages are there, all perfect in work, and of infinite richness. One dress of point D'Alencon is worth more than 100,000 francs. Some full sets of trimmings in old point, belonging to Her Majesty, are in themselves a fortune. That collec­ tion of lace is the pendant to that of cashmeres belonging to Queen Victoria, which is estimated at not less than 5,000,000 of francs. Her Majesty pos­ sesses India shawls to which the labor of more than twenty years had been de­ voted, and which, at no matter what price, could not be reproduced at pres­ ent--existing workmen having lost the secret of such an art We do not spesdi: of certain shawls woven with the threads of gold, and in which the embroidery is ornamented with pearls and diamonds. Turning to other matters of female or­ namentation, we can say that the finest emeralds in feminine jewelry are pos­ sessed by the Empress Elizabeth of Austria, just as the richest and most perfect collection of rubies extant is the property of the Qrand Duohess of Saxe Weimer, grand-daughter of Paul I., Emperor of Russia. Pearls and tur­ quoises, which are without rival, belong to the Russian imperial family, as do sapphires to the British house oi Quelph. As for diamonds--except the crown jewels of various nations--pri­ vate collections can vie with those of Queens, and not disadvantageoasly.-- JParia Snort. THE total number of arrests in New York city for the year 1876 was 95,599. Of the persons arrested, 68,003 were males and 24,596 females; 25,885 were charged with intoxication, 19,836 with disorderly conduct, 10,590 were drunk and disorderly, 6,349 were charged with assault and battery, 6,513 with larceny, 812 with burglary, 235 with robbery, and 100 are classed under the head homicide. THE disinterested inventor always oomes to the front after a calamity lifc* the burning of the Brooklyn Theater or the falling of the Ashtabula bridge, and the magnanimous editor relaxes the rigidity of his office rules and allows small notices of this patent and fchat model to appear in his columns. This is a hey-day of cheap advertising for railroad inventors. Hundreds of appli­ ances by which the recent horror could have been prevented have already been forced upon publio attention East and West