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n 1 nr* »0 eallMl : are thos« things oil your dress •tiled bugle trimming* ?** George wttited to know. "Oli" Kmily r«|»Iiod 11 flit! v. "became papa b'ows so over tlM bill." HTh* : Health journals say lilt In retain a *oiiu<l constitution a Mill mii<( lie on Uifi right aMe. Yes. Wot which I# the rljfht aide? Every lawyer, preacher, and editor In the country think* the (Id* lie U lylnf on I* the right one. flappo«itijf a ca*e: He sald lie didn^t Intend to stay % minute, but Inst drop­ ped in to a*k a little advice on a buei- new matter. "Suppose," he continued, "that I wanted to rai*e a thousand dol­ lars to meet a sudden emergency?*' •'Yea.*' ul would naturally go to the hank?" "Yon would," Wwould give a note for ninety day* and it would have to be indorsed ?" "Exactly. And la case you indorsed it for me--*' ^f'l atwuli! expect to be obliged to pay It. Good morning." He survived: He was a pretty close nan, without doubt. At breakfast lie tttt an egg in two. and gave the new hired man one-half of it. The help ate It, and held out his plate for more. **Whatr gasped the host, "want a hull egg!" "Of course I do," said the man. The bo«a stared blankly at him a mo* ment, and then,, pushing the half egg •cross the table, •snappNily cried: • **lTake it, eat it, and kill yourself!" The IMD ate it, and is still alive. A remarkably smart drummer: "Have Jrou seeu the new style of sleeping-car?" Inquired a drnmme*- of the conductor. MXo, I think not." he replied; "what tte they like?" "Well, they difter from any I have yet seen. and 1 don't think they will be very popular." "What are they called?" "Prohibition cars.' •"That's a somewhat singular name," thoughtfully mused the ticket-taker. fWhy are they so called?" "Because," fetid the cute comnjorcial traveler,'"tliey Won't have any porter aboard.' jA small story of two sons: "Lemme Mil yer,"exclaimed old Nathan, arising at an educational meeting and address- fag the assemblage, "da ain't half as lauch in eddycatiou as a man in a mo- aieat of'thusiasm uiout promulgate. I raised two towu sons. Jim went ter tehool an'got a good eddycation, but Tom stayed home an' neber looked in ttr a book, but yit he made a quicker •liowin' dan Jim." "How?" asked «tiorus of voices. "Why, lie beat liim Inter do penitentiary by two davs,' exclaimed the old man, as he sat down *§£k the air of one who feels that the ejuce !s In his favor. A fathers considerate caution: hunter fired at a bird as it Slew Over the door yari of an Arkansaw residence. A boy that was playing around was struck a couple of shot, and his loud cries teroiiglit the father to the scene. "What %ave you done?" lie demanded of the •punter, drawing a revolver. "I beg ten thousand pardons," Exclaimed the hun­ ter ; "In my eagerness to secure the tijMrd I fired thoughtlessly, and I fear that I have seriously wounded your lion." "Sou," said the'old man, "I thought that you had hit my dog. Ilind how you shoot around here, for yen put a shot into that dog, I'll cut both your ears/' • ;'t One better: A minister of the In- terier In uermany, who was fund of Roasting of ills numerous oli ve brauehes. arrived while traveling at a small town In a mountainous district, where he >eame across a forester, whem he invited to dinner. "Are you aware." he said. JefIaHjr,**th*t you are dining with the ,inoet abundantly blessed father of a tfanilly In nil Prussia?" "Am I, indeed? oxclalmed the in«n. "May I ask how ^many children your Excellency has?" „*Four«and-twenty." was the proud ; reply. "In that case," said the forester. f"may 1 request you to stay over to­ -morrow and stand godfather to my Hwenty-flftt ?" His Excellency's face 'fell, but he complied with the request Vfhis rival, who had beaten him by , one. Dootor to an acquaintance: "Mr. Janes, I am glad to see that you have recovered." Mr Jones--'"Y«s, jou have saved my lite; how can I thank you snf- Hslently ?" Doctor--"I saved your Hi*? Why, I didn't attend you." Mr Jones--"Yes--and that is why I am so grateful." A youthful atpirant to poet's honors ^ Whose maiden attempt bore the tltl of "Simply to Thy Cross I Cling." was atruck dumb with horror when it ap­ peared in the next weekly edition of the town paper unde«- the title of **SlmpIe Little Cross Eyed Thing." "Have yer j'ined the Salvation Army. Bill?" Bill--"No, I ain't, but mv Missun have; and the kids has jeined the Blue Ribbons. I'm thinking of going in for the Longfellow M'orlal Committee. Seems as how now-a-days a bloke ain't in i t uniess he jgoes and joins something SPECIALTY Made wt Clothing. A suit for Bovs 5. 6. 7. 8. 0. 10, 11. IV, 13. 14,15. 1G, 17, 18, 19,20 years old; and from 20 to 100. Call at C. V. STEVEXS". A stock of Underwear sufficient to supply McHenry ami Lake Counties, to be sold at bottom figures. At C. V. Stevens. The finest teas and cofteesy at & Bartlett's. Water-A good hand made Grain proof Boot at Dwlght'a. PRINTS AT 2J CENTS A YARD. 10.000yards standard dark prints to e clitsed out at above price. . O. C. CotBT, Nnnda. A large fetock of warm lined Boota at t) wight's. Corsets, Hoop Skirts, ladies' ifend children's Hose at Maye4& Bartlett's. Headquarters for Mens,Boys and Youths Rubber Gum Boots St Dwight's. io POUNDST ^ ̂ Ten pounds O. K. good green Coffee foroi.edollar. C.Y.STEVENS, GENTS' TIES. 25 kinds to pick from\ 10 per cent less than market price. Suspenders.at 10 cents. Also ladies Cloak in gs, $2,000 worth at low figures. E. LAWLDS. Opposite Riverside Hotel. McHenry. Call at E~M. Owen & Son's and see a fine Swell Body or Portlaud Cutter. Sold very low. TEVENS McHENRY - - ILLINOJ S. i Who is fully prepared for the fall and winter trade, with a hnndsome lissortment of Dry Goods, Diess Flannels, Dress Novelties, Woolens, &c.. Men and boys' Clothing of every description. m in rX All Ihe latest styles in Gents' Fttrnishirg Goods, Hats, Caps, Choice Groceries, &c., at hard-pan prices, Good, „Ne\v and Stylish Gocds, and prices as low as the lowest, are his mottoes. Don't buy a dollar's worth of genera! merchandise, until you have called at his store, near the Depot, McHeury, 111. Butter and eggs wanted at Fancy Prices. How to Increase the Value of Butter. Use Bean & Perry's Natural June Butter Color- Sample Bottle Free at Fitzsimmous & Evansou's, McHenry. III. Mens Overcoats less than Chicago prices at E. Lawlus', opposite Riverside Hotel. The largest stock of mens boys and vouths Hoe and coarse Boots ever brought to Woodstock at Dwiglit's. Dwiglit makes a specialty of the Selz hand-made Veal Calf. Veal Ivip, French and American Calf, fine and stoga kip BootJ. and can save vou from 25 to 50c and 91.00 per pair. A fine French Calf baud-pewed at Dwiglit's. Boot Best line of Yarns at Mayes St Bart­ lett's, • t CASH BUYERS. 1 hoy for casJju sell for cash, can an<¥ will sell you gwOds at lower prices than any credit store. Call audi will con vince you. O. C. CotBY, Nnnda. C. NEW FIRM! Have built and furnished a New Store on the corner At Centerville, McHenry, And stocked the same with a full Dry Goods Groceries, Boys' Overcoats at lett's. Mayes & Bart- Ask any one who lias had pictures made at Bennett's what, they thiuk of them aud then notice the reply.? " BARGAINS TO CLOSEr^ We this week oiler at greaUy duced prices a lot. of Caps and and Children's Wool Hose. HENfcY COLBT. --"r-AHD- READY . MADE Returns thanks for the very generous patronage it receiqed during the past holiday week. The*experience of former years correctly in­ formed our friends without elaborate advertising that, as usual, Santa Claus would make his headquarters with us. In view of the increased demand everywhere each year during the early weeks in January for CHRISTMAS 'NIW • YEARS> We havo purchnfed a large aud beautiful assortment, %o invite the especial attention otsthe pubUc, j >i^^r .• Toys, COLLARS, WHIPS, Ac., to be found i _ County, ;anif ban everythinK made of J BEST MATERIAL. Call ancltsee me. JOHN 8TERBA. Fbich we And other goods to mafce the children happv, ar well as our other departmeKts, will be promptly restocked and kept full during the year _ ' F. a HARRISON. December 25.1869. WAUCONDA. CLOTHINa| ; For Fall and Winter , full line of piece goods of MM latest atylM and at the lowest figures. CLOTHING ^ il. Bigger Stock than ever. SUITS BUIT3 AT Suits all prices at AT 84.50. 95.00 Maim a n 't /i " re- Ladies* And do respecttully invite «ti inspection of jtheir stock by the purchasing public. We shall keep as good Goods as any other store in town, and sell as cheap as the cheapest, the quality to be taken into consideration. Do not fail to call aiy^jjysj^ect <>ur stock. Butter and eggs aud all kinds of farm produce, tafcou in exchange at the market pi ice. , WAUCONDA - ILLINOIS* In nddition to their general stoolc. have a full line of jroorl« suit able for substantial Presents, to which thov invite the attention of the buying public. A line ot Blankets. Quilts, Underwear. Woolen <Toods, Glove*, Mittens, etc., as cheap as the same can be bought outside of ihe city. Tn short our Full and Win ter stork of Dry Goods, Groceries, Boots nnd Shoes, Hats and Caps, Ready-mode Clothing, Hardware, Crock ery, etc., never was more complete than at present* aa<! prices will Men's Overcoats lett's. 4t Mayes & Bart- Go to Dwight's Slippers. for your Holiday A Mammoth stock of Mens. Womens, Misses and Childreng Buckled Arctics, Mens and Womens plain and fancy Rubbers, Mens and Womens Alaska^. and in fact rubber goods of all kinds in the Boot and Shoe line at Dwight's. Cor. Main St. and Public Square, Wood­ stock, 111. A 810 SUIT.,, Havinp just closed out a a large line of mens extra heavy catemere suits. 1 ofter them at the very low price of Ten Dollars a suit, a decided bargain. Fully equal to suits usually sold at. thirteen to fourteen dollars. Call be­ fore they are gone. O. O. COLBY. Nunda. Men's and boy's Bartlett's. suits at Mayes & 7® '0r Dakota beats them all. A young gentleman, recently from there, says Dakota is a very fine, productive country--in fact lust the place to pro- cure wealth in. lie says one farmer there planted six acres of corn aud KtrM of potatoes, and the com grew to goo)) mi enormous hight that the sun, Maid uot rise is the east, but was •Miffed to back over and couie up through tlw potuto patch. «' Si Boy?. Great bargains in Overcoats and Suits with new cufTs and collarajfc at E. Lawlus". ( Japanese Crepes. Tn order to introduce our Jnp.inese Crepe goods we wili send postpaid to any address on receipt of fifty cents, or 17 three-cent stamps, the following: 1 window banner, size 13 by 24 inches, with ricli color and deep border; 1 tidy, size 8 bv 11 incites very handsome; 1 lamp mat, 27 inches in circumference perfectly lovely ; 1 wall screen, large and handsome. Addresc. E. Florence & Co., P. O. box 1860. South Beml. lud. Farmers I If yon want free sample copies of the largest and best rt^ricuIturnl paper in the country, write yours and your neighbors' names on a postal card and mail it to Farmers? Friend Pub. Co., South Bend. Ind. Price 50 cents a year and Premiums to everv subscriber. • Standard Prints at Five Cents per yard at C'V. Stevens'. Here We Are Again. Below you will And the names of the proininetit fanners that have bought the celebiated light running Hapgood Sulky Plow within the last six weeks: •lames Barnstable, Bernard Harrison, Nicholas Freund, Clias. Parks, Augustus Towu6end, Geo. Parks, Curtis Harvey, Jake Snyder, Wm, Wood. Freeman Whiting A. U. Fauver (2), R. R. Doolittle, Ask them what they think of tlieni. Remember.it is the only sulky plow made that is warranted to run lighter than any 14 inch walking plow. We will make any man a present of the Sulky, if it fails to fill our warrantee If in want of a Sulky Plow, don't fail to call on us, as we are mire to suit you. Sold only by E. M.Owen & Son An effective medicine for kidney diseases, i »w fevers and nervous pros tration, and well worthy of a trial, is Brown's Iron Bitters. v7 We have just received an immense Stock for the]] FALL AND WINTER TRADE And can show you the finest line of these goods ever brought to McHenry County. Remember we buy and sell for Cash, buy our goods at* € Bottom Prices, (Wi and will jfive you such bargains that it will pay you to copae from any part of the county to trade with us, no matter haw greai the distance. We keep a full line of the^ SELZ CELEBRATED CUSTOM MAM GOODS, S0TA California paper stffi; *One of our wealthiest citizens left his east­ ern home sixteen years ago aud ar­ rived In San Erancisco with only one Shirt to his back, since which time he lias accumulated twelve millions;"-- Just think of It. twelve million Bhirta! A big shirt rnlf. that. Go and see the new stock of Shawls M C. V. itcve §' WE get all the principal Mngazines and papers at club rates, aud both old and new subscribers can receive the benefit ot reduced rates by subscribing through us for such other publications as they may desire. Remember the fact that Dwlgh bought an immense slock of Rubb*' Bouts, felioes and Arctics before tIk .great advance, end can £ive you bar- gaina in thc«e good*. Cotton Bai*. cheaper beluic, at C.-V, fi>tevcu»V McHENRy, iu<, MAYES & BARTLETTa October 1st b. 1882. 5 sr= oe ma<ie f 8 AT WAUCON For my thing made to order, Maiman'ais tlMl pl'.tce to go,, Also a full line of ^ Gent's Furnishing Goodt. HATS, CAPS, &C., Mrs. jtlns received a line Stock of Fall and WIntel - Milliuerv goods, and of the latest fcty'e». h A ni<-e lot of RiitlK>ns an«l riumes. The ^T.iitlies of Western l.ake Coiinty are eaperlallf nvited to call and examine nood» and prtce». MAKING done in Hie beat iljrie and at ueasoiiable I'rieee. . . . Also have Biie line of and Wood Stoves, If© wkich we invite the attention of the public, ('all anil see it Wauconda, ill , l>ec. 12th, 1882.? (Constantly on hand, both fine and coarse, for uiei*» women and childmi. W. H, DWIGHT, Woodstock, 111. HENRY COLBY! --DEALER IN-- . . : . / ; . General Merchandise & you want first class machinery something we buy so touch oi that you cret the benefit ol it? YVe know of some dealers that buy tso much that they claim to sell low, but you get all their prsces and then come to ns an^ we^i^Bell you the same goods cheaper than any other doeler We have just received the finest car of CARRIAGES! idarhiagES, ALL STYLES, That ever came to this county. If in want of <vne don't fail to call, as the finish beats them all. Aguarautee of our own for oue year with each carriage. Willi TUB Of Pumps we have both wood and iron. For a wood pump we keep the Kenosha, Temple, Toledo, Bushnell and Mishwaukeee, and tor an iron pumpjjthe well known Trakem and Buckel^v; al­ ways repair or put them down any depth. E. M. OWEN & SON. Mutual Life of Ifev Yoft. Bernnm it. is the oiliest Comprtiiy Wi III* Uniied states Willi thirty-nine years of »• perience, - I te ' i ' inifc i t Is Ihe largest Company in world. Assets, nearly double tbat of any other Co" pun v. Because it is the most popular Compnjr. Its policy holders number over 100,000. Becnunp every dollar of the aliove immenu sum bctoiif/.'i to the polict/ holders, and the sur. plus over what i« actually required, is an* miallv <li\ tiicii iiinon^st them, which surplus • mav lie applied MI either of two ways: First, to |>IIV a p>>rli. it of Hie Hiiniwtl premium, thus ITIJIt"i'iullv reducing the cost, IT it niny t>« used to VHivi-liii .H' ' xdilitioii;i l i imur;inri>. In the latter *vav forty-eijshi policy holders of the v'eur jn-t pit«i, l»«>lilinjr policies, the far* vuiiie of which Wiis )?l.":!,5(!(t , w ere carried foi an avenitre of yi ' t irs at low rates, and the 'a l td it ioua linniKht *'lie snu^siini of a liitl* over Many "I these policies had been self s 'u stain tup' lor 'yeiirs. Because me rates ef evety other, Company are nearly eighteen p«-v cent, liigbec than those of the 'Mutual Life. Because Its running expenses are 'owef than any other. Tnc sworn statements of the Equitable I.ifo Assurance of New York, afcompany several millions less than half as large as the Mutiiul I.ife, show its expenses of manage, inent to have averaged 14.23 liurin^ the last three years, those of the Mutual 1.lie 7 8 the dillere'nce of llrst cost of pol'c.y.and manage* ment expenses alone, are equal to 25 per cent in favor of the Mutual I.ife. Because it can and does afford the cheapest, safest anil most satisfactory insurance invest­ ment of any Company in the world. As it will he impossible for me to see all who srs desirous of obtaining Life inaurance at actual cost, I will say lo such that a postal oa rd will always reatli me at this place and on receipt of same I will forward different pl-ins and actual results (not estimates) which are cortainly astonishing and out do anything in the history of Life Insurance. This Companv issues only regular Life and Endowment policies and likeother Company* of the highest standard refuses to ha»e | j#I - tiling to do with Tontine gambling. C. H. MOKKY, Agent, - For McIIenry County and western part fj| Lake County. , t # MCHESRY. ILL. JACOB STORY, cHENHy, ILL. 0EAI.EV IK Every Department now complete with * < Fall and Winter Goods^ I An Inspection of wbich'is respectfrlly solicited. » . rj 11U.11U MlUfUM) Selssorsy Shears, Table and Pocket Cutlery, Spades Shoves, Forks, Corn Knives, Axea, Grindstnes W Indow G ass, RANITE-IRON AND TIN-WARE. JL STCRY< OA CAUD «)U CHBOHOS 10 large Chromoa Free. with the PEOFLR'S MAGAZINE. T.he most magnificent premium ever given, and one of the best magazines published. Only eighty cents a year. Sample sent free on receipt ol 3-cent stamp, or three mrnths on trial for 10 cents. A'JSKNTS WANTED. Send 85 cent* for complete outfit, including all the chromoit Money returned it not satisfied. S17A MONTH and board in yonr owa 5pt< county. Men or Ladies. Pleasaat business. Address, PSORLE'8 MAGAZINE, Philadelphia, Pa. That Wonderful Book. GUIDE TOSUCCE88 WITH for FORMS B^iiieeM A N D SOCIETY. Is selling by tens of thonmads. It la the most universally useful iiook ever published It tellt completely HOW TO OO K.VKUT 1'liISG m ihe best way, How to lie YonrOw# Lawyer, How to l>o Business Correctly an4 Successfully, How to Act in Sociei v <«n4 everywhere". A gold n.ine of varied informa turn to all classes for constant reference. AiiKSTS WASTFB for all or ipnre time To know why this lw>ok of REAL value antf attiaciions sells lietter th.tn any other, apply for terms to 11. ft . 8CAMMKLL A CO., Louis, Missouri. " '