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laindriilcr I. T«ll W.TKE. EiWr *M MM *er M HENRY, ILLINOIS m DROP AUTO THK CLOtTD. i-- . 4®P0JP • klaMd it M Its Mrth. p>*- •_: ..., ?/* fvt Bp In the fctnre realm* of nty, : ; . r *fc» ootids of rammer were vailing i 4ad the little drop looked up, and 8afl|*. , &"*§:' • As it saw the glory overhead, pwt- "Oh would that to me the boon were lives i f - " To move in the shining ranks of heavenI" «.= i%- i And oft again in its downward course, |> As It hurried from its mountain sonro*-- EM A bubble, bo ne b$r the brimming brook »'* . To many a wild and shadowed nook, :*•Or loitered slowly with the wayward iitnui-- f?\ ' It thought of its childh od's sky-born dream. But on and away the waters flow, bThrough woodland and meadow far below. I I® ? »Orer sandy plain and stony bank, And throush swamps, like jungles, dense and rank; " Imprisoned Jon? within rocky watts. Mow plunging down over dtav falls, jv, "They turn the wheels of the busy mill}, • i*ow white with foam, now dark and «CU, Iff / TH11 at length a river, deep and wide, j '4 v, .^It Mowed where cities stood by its side,, riA And at last the river reached the sea, ' |#F'̂ iAad the droam and dreamer oeaeedtoteftt , 'The drop was lost in the heaving deep, , fei.sH s. Where all the rivers of earth moat sleep " ^ . * -But the sun that kissed the new-born drop, A« And whose floods of sunbeams never stop, ?' • JHad not forgotten his little ohild, r i,; , 3orn of a cloud in the mountain wild,. • ® " ytad he loosed his threads of golden liffct, , np from a wave of snowy white p.). '•«'* 3 The drop was lifted so tenderly 'ilt never knew when it left the sea, K Sot found itself drawn np to the sky, ;•' Afloat in Hie heavens, soft and high, •" As free as the winds of atry space, ; >.••*** /As fair ac the morning's tender grace. ̂ I- ,<One tranquil eve, 'mid the purple one*,"'• ' • ilChat shine in the light of setting snnsf v ? jit saw far down on the distant earth * „The foKst-spring where it had its blrtp And all of the winding wa-- it went, ;-iw « With many a murmur of discontent: " And the early dream came back ."Rain, 4 » .As the thoughts of youth com" back tu mei rf " J • That thread of silver that ever turned : Away from the skies for which it yeanwl« That wandering life of fall and foam ; j| L That seemed to lead it away from homif-- l^i It now oould see was the very road .. That led it up to its blest abode. ' ;* .t, --L. D. Bre\c»ter, in St. Nicholas. 'i¥ b <i :• >{ 4 w AUNT BETSEY'S STRATAGEM, iW-: CHAPTER ' NUB TATLOT, _ called^^tlfi'coTiiitry 'I residence a "cottage," affecting the sea- ; |«ide style, but it -was, in fact, a i»fsummer palace, with many sumptuous ^ ^tlapartments, turrets, porches, terraces 'tf ,,' oi flowers, miniature lakes, fountains j •, _ Hand bowers. >. v. Mr. Hamilton's pet hobby was horti- - culture, and his greenhouses, finely %f • >' ornamented with stained glass, con- *¥?• i iained the finest specimens of tropical plants, which were freely used to dec- , orate the house on festive occasions, and Jthe head gardener, on account of this ^ £ disturbance of his realm, was often , heard complaining of the frequenoy of |||: u'illiss Geneva's balls and parties. Through the center of the "cottage" ^ , ran a broad hall, with white marble fl^'fl^floor, and chairs of carved wood. The 1^- ;great doors at each end generally stood , V open, to admit the perfumed air from a the gardens. i , One day, when the trees were in the '{»*•*- • richest green of their summer foliage, g -imd the skies were brilliant with calm -white clouds, a curious little female - . figure leisurely proceeded up the shaded - *venue leading to the open entrance. The figure was neatly dressed in black. |Her short silk skirt and cape guiltless lof raffles or trimmings of any kind, and '"her features were quite hidden, in a rr't, uiiside view, by the antique bonnet she -v- - . wore. A paper parcel was carefully car- ; - pied on one arm, and she had brought •u,' : her parasol and reticule, as a inatter of ; • ̂course . ^ " As she drew near the door, Sam, the .4 Mack boy, in a livery covered with brass -1 buttons, was just taking in a cactus in ?' < ^magnificent bloom, and, chancing to see ithis quaint visitor, recognized the j? * Imaiden sister of Mrs., Hamilton, the in- ?- «• ^evitable "poor relation," whose oc- ^casional appearance always took the .ffamily by surprise. C,'f" beholding her, the boy grinned }^% ijand chuckled to such an extent that he ' "Inearlv dropped the precious cactus. b, * " "Oh! There you are, Sam," said she, a pleasant voiee, "and, I declare, ^ you've grown so fat you are almost |v . bursting open your new suit." - "We's gwine ter hab company 'gin ter-night, an' Miss Ginnevy, she's in de drawin'-room, tellin' us whar to put de flowers," explained the boy, in the-'Vir- ginia dialect, which he had n«frer been able to overcome. Miss Lisle followed him into the el­ egantly furnished room, and there she found her niece fluttering about Tib A « giddy butterfly, as usual. ,-'4 wy \>at\ "Aunt Betsey! as sure as I live!" cried the merry girl, dancing toward "her and nearly crushing the big straw bonnet in the eagerness of her embrace. ^ j "Du let me get off this frightful bon- gsl net! and why didn't you let us know %*<% , you were coming? You naughty ifb . aunty! We would have sent a car- 6";?1; triage to the depot for you. But it's Fism jtm think return?" *Q%' rm quite stilt® of it, amitie," ex elkimed the niece, %ith intense earnest- n«bK -H«comest<> »«frin* «K»r fre- qiiently than any other Mntleaan, and sometimes chooses the oddest hours for his visits. Two or three tones he called so unreasonably early ih the morning that I was obliged to keep him waiting an hour before I OOtdd get ready to see him. Onoe he seemed on the point of Ujinj what T lnn«wl fat hon.r_ hut t.lvA avowal nev«r came, and he checked himself suddenly, looking at me so strangely, as though my appearance displeased him. Oh, dear! I suppose I'm not handsome enough to soit him, he is so very fastidious." Miss Lisle had been carefully study­ ing her niece's appearance, while she was talking, and, having some acquaint­ ance with the character of her lover» had quite settled in her mind what was the matter before the young girl had done speaking. "Yes," said she, after a moment's re­ flection; "Mr. Philip Moore has cult­ ured tastes, and that means hp admires nature and simplicity. He understands too well the relative value of things .has too much refined intelligence to ap­ preciate anything but real worth. Now, my dear, forgive me if I wound you in saying that you are highly affected and atrociously artificial. You wear the gaudiest colors and boldest fashions procurable. For instance, that dress you have on--pink muslin with black velvet bows--it is so gay as to fatigue the eye. Then as to your face, it is so covered with powder and paint that the natural expression is entirely lost." "Oh, aunt! I could never think of leaving off the powder, oi stop frizzing my hair or penciling my eyebrows. I look like a fright when not ' made up,' and since Mr. Moore has taken the no­ tion to call here at all kinds of unearth­ ly hours I lead the life of a martyr, in full toilet always, for fear he will take me by surprise and oatch me en disha­ bille. No! no! Yon cannot convince me that his love would be increased if I left off all my beautifying arts." "Try it, my dear; try it for once. Wash off all the paint, and see what the effeot will be." "I see it's no use talking to you on this subject, Aunt Betsey. Your advice, if followed, would ruin me," sighed Geneva. "Believe me, child, if beauty alone is what your lover seeks, his love is worth­ less." "Well, aunty, von have completely discouraged me. I won't talk to you another minute, for if you go on in this way much longer I shall be too muoh disheartened to appear in the drawing- room to-night; and I am determined on this occasion to look perfectly radiant and irresistible." When evening come Aunt Betsey Lisle, wearing her black satin gown, sat quietly in one corner of the brill­ iantly illuminated room, and watched the throng of light-hearted revelers, as they floated over the floor to the sound of music. But her especial attention was fixed with keen interest upon the actions of Philip Moore, in his devo­ tion to her favorite niece. She studied the significance of every glance, and be­ came convinced that there was a strong natural affinity between the pair. Mr. Moore had not the manners of a superficial man of pleasure, but was a polished gentleman, possessing sterling solidity. But Geneva's appearance shocked and grieved her, for she was like an siiisistsd of ® psistsd ure. Her dress was of golden gauze, with a very long train and merely the suggestion of a waist. In addition to her usual artifices of the toilet, she had drawn a black line around her eyes to lend them luster and size, and the deception was all too plain, giving her face an expression both strange and indelicate. This alone was sufficient to divert the thoughts and stifle the impulse of a lover. When the guests were gone and Mia« Lisle had retired, she was hardly sur­ prised when her door was suddenly opened and Geneva rushed in, with disheveled hair, clad in a loose wrap­ per, and, throwing herself dejectedly upon the bed, burst into a violent fit of weeping. "Oh, I believe he eares nothing for me," she sobbed. "He was colder than ever to-night! My heart is broken and I wish I had never been born! Aunt Betsey, I wish you would take me home with you for a change. Will you ?" "With pleasure, my child, but on one condition; you must leave your powder and paint at home, and while with me be only your own sweet self." "What does it matter? I don't know a soul in your part of the country, and if it will please you I'll wear nothing but calico like any country girl." "Very well. That's just what I want you to do. So, now good-night, dear. Go to bed directly, for I must start for home bright and early in the morning, or my birds and flowers will miss me." ^ Just your way to slip in so meekly. Now I do just hope you have brought your kiack 8atin gown in that bundle, for I'm going to have a small party to- w ; night and I want you to look very nice." ^ "Pshaw, Geneva! How you run on, and where is your mother?" said the v little woman, who, divested of lier head- J ' dress, proved to be a sweet-faced, brown-eyedlady forwhom her ultr a-fash- |.|| ionable niece had the warmest affection. '*"Mamma has gone to the city shop- * ping," was the reply, "and I'm glad to have you a few moments to myself, for • Oh, Aunt Betsey! I'm driven nearly to j;\ distraction with trouble!" Miss Lisle shaipjy scrutinized the young girl's face. "It seems to mevou do look rather worried, child. Though what in the world you can have to trouble you puz­ zles me." Putting her arm around her aunt'p waist, Geneva drew her into a quiet corner. "Come, sit down, and I'll tell you all about it. You know, as a child, I al­ ways ran to you with my broken dolls and cut fingers, and dear Aunt Betsey neve; failed to make all right again. Heigho! I'm afraid she can't help me now, though." "Why; what can be the inatter with mj pretty pet?" exclaimed the aunt, with real concern. Geneva hid her burning cheeks in •corner of the black silk cape, and •quickly whispered the desperate secret. "It's because Philip Moore won't pro­ pose, anntie, and I'm madly in love him." jDid Miss Lisle laugh? No; she was too sincere and good to ridicule even the most absurd vexations of another meV* " That raitai me precisely," cried Genera, drawing one of the easy chairs out mm the vine-covered porch and picking up the first book her hand fell upon. Before opening the volume she our led up comfortably in the large chair and said: "The best of being here is, one is ab­ solutely under no restraint tq look fine. I I have forgotten to put on my CUffR." Then she selected a poem and began to read with thrilling earnestness: What if he loved me I If'twere mine to share Hia thought 1 to be of his wood being part I Hush! lest the tell-tale wind should idly bear To hlnrthis wild, wild beating of my heart. For ahould he guess--who in my soul hath HADM-- That I. unsought, love him, ahl I ahould die of shame. The shadow of a tall form fell over the page as she passionately echoed this plaint of unrequited love, and, glancing up, she started from her chair, uttering a little cry of dismay. There stood Philip Moore, looking into her upturned face with his soul in his eyes, and regarding her with $n ex­ pression of unmixed satisfaction she had never seen him wear before. How you startled me, Mr. Moore V* faintly exclaimed the young girl, blush­ ing, and putting out her hand, which he seized and pressed with tender xev- erence. Indeed!" returned the gentleman. "I did not expect my visit would be such a surprise, since* Miss Lisle had favored me with a special invitation to spend the day at her cottage." "To be sure I did!" interjected the cunning spinster, coming hastily to the door, with a pleasant smile to welcome her handsome visitor. "The truth is, we were getting a trifle dull here, being all alone, and I took a fancy to have you try my famous chicken pie. Come, Geneva, you shall sift the flour for me while Mr. Moore rests himself a bit." And suiting the action to the word, she proceeded to tie tk large snowy apron around the waist of her astonished niece, who gave her a quick look of reproach which the wily aunt pretended not to notice. Mr. Moore was amused at Geneva's embarrassment, and his manner put her at once at her ease. So she entered into the spirit of the fun, rolled up her sleeves, and sifted the flour right deftly and merrily, .while he watched her through the window from his seat on the porch. I never should have believed that Philip Moore would gossip with a kitch­ en maid making a pie," laughed Gene­ va, who had become wondrously light- hearted all at once. "Nor should I," was the grave re­ sponse. "Nevertheless, on such an oc­ casion he suddenly found the solution to one of the most difficult problems of his life." I--I think I don't quite understand rou," murmured Geneva, glancing at lim, shyly. "I am anxious to make my meaning perfectly clear to you, and when your task is completed, with your aunt's permission, we will explorf her pretty garden, while I give you the explana­ tion." "There; go along, both of you!" cried Miss Lisle, taking the sieve out of he niece's hands, and feigning to be quite unconscious of the lovers' ruse. "I shouldn't wonder if you found it pleas- anter there than here, and when dinner is ready I'll call you." With a fluttering heart, Geneva flew to find her straw hnt and wa«h the flour from her hands, and when Aunt Betsey saw them disappear into the grape ar­ bor, after a short ramble among the old-fashioned flower-beds, the dear little schemer nodded her head, and, smiling sagaciously, whispered to her­ self : "I knew it was the powder and paint that offended him, and at this moment Aunt Betsey's stratagem is becoming a grand success!"--Chicago Ledger.- ' ' 'V ' iV. ' 1 ilisiti CHAPTER IL Miss Betsey Lisle lived in a cottage much smaller than that inhabited by the head gardener at the Hamiltons, but there was ample room for her spinster- self, and one servant, with a spare chamber for company, and it was a model of comfort in every part. The whole place was filled with sun­ shine and the breath of flowers. Tables were strewn with a litter of books and magazines, or sewing; plenty of easy chairs, and a wide sofa, covered with gay chintz, a cushion at the head. The vases held great fragrant bunches of cinnamon pinks and roses. Nothing fine, but everything spotless and bright. To this lonely, cheerful home, the languishing Geneva came, with her aunt, and it was wonderful how quickly she entered into all the simple ways of the cottage, even helping, with genuine en joyment, to stone the raisins for a pudding, or go into the garden to pick a bowl of luscious berries for supper. The counterfeit Geneva had vanished, and in place of the proudly capricious beauty stood just a simple, charming girl, with natural beauty enough upon the flesh from within, for she had beautiful soul. Dimples now came and went in the soft cheeks, and her lips were such as make lovers dream of kiss­ es. Heir hair abundant and rebellious, as though glad to escape from the tor turing hairdresser, was tied back with a blue ribbon matching the bluebells upon her cambric dress, and, though she was heavy-hearted when thinking of Philip Moore, she sometimes broke into song or laughter from the pure joy of youthfulness. A week had passed in this new exist­ ence, when one morning she said to her aunt "Well, auntie. How shall we be- Geneva knew that; but the spinster's | guile away the hqtmi of this long summer practical mind set at once to work to thoroughly understand, and, if possi- l>le, smooth away the difficulty. "My dear." said sb«, gravely, "do day ?" "I am going now to help Jane make a chicken pie, dear," was the reply, "and if you like you can sit just out- * Tinea. barkeep. Great down another modi- crop aaA l^onid around with a smile that N&OirwF ft month like a grizzly bear's. "Glad yon admire it," observed the barkeeper, pouring out a modest dose for himself. "Might I ask to what part of the country it carries you back?" "The first* time that I tasted this brand, barkeep, was in Yreka, and I cleaned out that town on two slugs. That was a great day for Yreka. They hadn't a man in the county that could stand up to me for a second. That was the first, and when I got to feeling pretty well I swore I'd never get near it again. Barkeep, I killed four of the best friends I ever had that day," and the man in a coon-skin cap sighed dis­ mally and eyed the bottle longingly. "You seem to be doing pretty well for a man who has sworn off on the stuff," returned the barkeeper, pushing the bottle over rather reluctantly. "The next whack I had at it, barkeep, was in Bozeman, M. T. That trip cost me shekels. I clawed down an orphan asylum that day. Don't look at me in that way, barkeep. Don't do it. They rushed me in, and it put me to an ex­ pense of thirty bags of dust to getaway! Don't stare that way, barkeep; it re­ vives the feelings of that occasion." "Look here!" exclaimed the bar­ keeper. "You ain't going to tackle it again with all that experience?" "When I get started on that brand, barkeep, there ain't nothing in the State to stop me! Nevada City was the next place in which that whisky stared me in the face. Nevada City has never been the same place since! There has never been the capital in there since to rebuild the town!" "Was that the last place?" asked the quivering barkeeper. "Until I come here," replied the man in the coon-skin cap, impressively. "And, barkeep, I'm going to put you in the way of making a lot of money. In twenty minutes there's going to be a lot of unimproved property for sale in this town. I feel it coming on! I recog­ nize the sensations! Don't try to hold me, barkeep! Don't pay any attention to me! My feelings is very friendly toward you now, but a wink may change me in a minute! The business' is be­ ginning to work! You can't tell when murder may take the place of my affec­ tion !" and he started toward the door with a terrible expression of wrath on his face. "If you don't pay for them drinks, 111 club the head off you where you stand!" and the bar-keeper brought out his weapon and placed himself between the stranger and the door. "Am I mistaken in the brand ?" asked the man in the coon-skin cap, turning a little pale. "Do I hesitate to kill this man because I have lost my taste ? In your own interest, bar-keep, say it was the Yreka brand! Sav it was the same I got in Bozeman! Admit that it was the stuff that leveled Deadwood! Don't deceive me, barkeep! Don't let me die with the idea that Albu­ querque and Nevada City perished in vain! "Money or bust," roared the exasper­ ated bar-keeper. "Pay, or down you go!" "Ill pay, bar-keep!" replied the man in the coon-skin cap, meekly. "I haven't any money with me, but I'll drop in and settle this thing with you. shall 'tmfy. But if we wit* ashort giri we think we should wear our dress with the raffled portion down and next to our--well, just under our seftUkiii. If it were new and pretty, we should wear it long enough to let thai Jones girl, who had her old one made over in the fall, see' it, before we strode pa's 'kick' for another. We should not only wear it while walking, bnt we shouldn't be so conventional as At the State Dinner* 1> The occasion was the state dinner that President Lincoln gave to Chief Justice Chase immediately after his elevation to that office. The Justices the Supreme Court and the high officials were present with their •wives, and Mrs. Sprague was, as usual, the center of all admiration and interest. Her place at the long table in the state dining-room was nearly opposite her father, who as the guest of honor sat at Mrs. Lincoln's right hand, and further down the line Senator Sprague was placed between two distinguished la­ dies. Having taken his appetizer be­ fore he went to the White House, the dinner was hardly started on itB long list of courses before the Rhode Island­ er's eyes were glassy and his speech incoherent, and sinking back in his chair he was soon lost in a deep sleep. The guests on the opposite side of the table could not fail to see the unusual spectacle, and when Mrs. Sprague looked down to see how her liege was faring she turned pale, but changed not muscle of her countenance, and went on with her gay chat and repartee. When she finally caught her father's eye, one agonized and appealing glance shot from her great blue eyes conveyed the intelligence to him. In a quiet tone the Chief Justice said to his host: "I that the Senator is ill. Will yon not have your butler assist him out quietly to the cloak-room?" Two waiters took the war Governor between them, led him to the cloak-room and stretched him out on a sofa where he slumbered until the dinner was over and his father-in-law helped him out and into the carriage. Though a heightened' color blazed in Mrs. Sprague's cheeks after this disgraceful incident, she gave no other sign of the mortification that was fairly crushing her through all the long banquet and the speeches, congratulations and com­ pliments in honor of that father whom she worshiped. This was a single in­ cident in the first year of her marriage, but every guest at the table longed to pound the man, and felt the deepest sympathy and admiration for the proud Woman who was made to endure such an ordeal. THE cotton-manufacturing industry, long a Northern monopoly, is moving toward the neighborhood of the cotton- fields, and Southern newspapers confi­ dently say the erection of Southern cotton-mills has already made itself sen- siby felt in the Northern market; that the manufacturers of coarse - yarns find themselves unable to withstand the if tm wiieu wt» Wttiiiuu iO SI* down. These are the only suggestions, Fannie, but if yon want authority on the subject, you'd better write to the telegraphic editor." / The Cow Trea. _ Sir Joseph Hooker, of London, pub­ lishes a description of a tree which has been discovered, called the "cow tree," which gives milk when an incision is made in the bark. Several of the trees have been brought to England, and they are being watched with much curiosity. Nothing could have been discovered that would more effectually fill the bill, and fill the want long felt, than the cow tree, and we shall herald its introduc­ tion into this country with great jov. The parties who are interested in the propagation of the cow tree can send us two or three by express. We do not want full-sized cow trees, but just sap­ lings, or calves. With a few such trees in the front yard, tho citizens can make up faces at the driver of the milk wagon, and bid him defiance. Instead of going forth in the morning armed with a milk ticket and a tin basin, a man can take his little hatchet and a pail and cut a hole in the cow tree, sit down under its umbrageous shade and let nature take its course. The farmer will have no more kicking cows to contend with, but can let his cow tree milk itself, while lie sits down at the root of his milk producer and smokes his pipe or playo seven up with the hired man. "There will be no more hoisti] there," no tail to switch in his face, a| no more will the cow tree get nerv at having its bag agitated by the ro hand of the farmer, and kick the m pail over the fence, and kick the m stool through the granger. There be no more fodder to throw down, no more bran mashes to mix, and calves to wean, as it is probable cow tree will be farrow forever, and go bellowing around trying to hook butcher who tries to take its calf aw, The cow tree will take work off tired farmer, and he can go to town attend the lodge without hurrying lip the milking, as the girls can mind €he dairy. It will be a mighty poor foirl that cannot milk a cow tree. Thel im­ provements over the cow will be (nu­ merous. By building an ice house near the cow tree one can have ice-cream, and by the aid of a handy jug milk punch can be made to the Queen's taste. Instead of driving the cows up from the pasture at night, and slopping them, and sitting cramped up, milking with one hand and fighting mosquitoes with the other, the farmer's daughter can have a double seat under the cow tree, and take a pail and a lover and go out to milk, and, while the cow tree is giving down its blessings, the young people can put in the time sparking.-- Peck's Sun. *Do von know the prisoner wall?*' asked the attorney. "Never knew him sick," replied, the witness. "No levity," said the lawyer, sternly. "Now, sir, did you ever see the prisoner at the bar?" "Took many a drink with him at the bar." "Answer my questions, sir," yelled the lawyer. "How long have you known the prisoner?" y ^romtwoi t t i lp ̂ five fee t ten inches. , "Will the court make the--" "I have, J edge," said the witness, an­ ticipating the lawyer; "I have answered the question. I knowed the prisoner when he was a boy two feet long and a man five feet ten. "Your Honor--" ' - "It's fact, Jedge. Ptti tinder persisted the witness. The lawyer arose, placed both hands on the table in front of him, spread his legs apart, leaned his body over the table, and said: "Will you tell the court what yon know about thi» case?" "That ain't his name," 'fc&lidd the witness. ^Whatain't his name?"1!" ^ -who said it Fas?" • "You did. You wanted to know what I knew about this Case. name's Smith." "Your Honor," howled the attorney, plucking his beard out by the roots, will you make this man answer?" "Witness," said the Judge, "yotimust answer the questions put to you." "Land o' Goshen, Jedge, hain't I been doin' it ? Let the blamed cuss fire away. I'm all ready." "Then," said the lawyer, "don't beat about the bush any more. You and the prisoner have been friends?" "Never," promptly responded the witness. pressure of ^otitliern competition, and that Southern manufacturers are de­ claring handsome dividends, while the Northern mills are running on short time and reduced wages. A RATHER cynical lady, somewhat of a flirt, says most men, like colds, are very easily caught, but difficult to get rid of. THE Queen's private yachts cost the English Government $193,900 a year. Do yon thinkgo back on a man "that has not only }ii«Qwn lifo. but has redeemed me just as I was going to pull down another town? I'm above it!" and the man in the coon-skin cap dodged the club and reached the sidewalk. "Strange that I made that mistake in that brand of whisky," he muttered, as he made off up street. "I must have got the whisky right and made a mis­ take in the bar-keep."--Brooklyn Eagle- His Rich Joke. & baggage wagon brought a trunk to the Union depot which was labeled: "Dynamite within--smash if yon dare!" The trunk was closely followed by a young man who had about seven min­ utes to get his check and catch the train. When he presented his ticket and asked for a check, the baggage- master replied: , "This trunk can't g°as baggage." . "Why?" ^ "The contents are dangerous. Youll have to remove it from here at once or 111 make you trouble." "But there is no dynamite within." "There is the warning." "Yes, but that was for a joke on the baggage-smashers." "Young man, a railroad never jokes. Get that trunk out of here I" "Come, old fellow, it was only in fun," entreated the smart Aleck. "I have only four minutes to catch the train." "If you don't remove the dangerous trunk I shall have to call an officer !" was the firm reply. ; "I tell you it is not dangerous." "Let me inspect it." This was grudgingly acceded to, and nothing more dangerous than four shirts which sadly needed washing were discovered. By this time the train had departed, leaving the joker with eight hours on his hands, and, as the trunk was relockcd, he was handed a scraper and the advice: "Young man, it might be safer tor you to label yourself with something like: 'Perishable--no dely.* You are evidently too ripe for this section. Now scrape that sign off, or the trunk can%jsfon--Detroit Free Pre§§,t , arti' --ii --• •• •-- • •" Hi Topnoodj* Topnoody made up his mittfl that he was not going to be bossed any longer by his wife, so when he went home at noon he called out imperiously, "Mrs Topnoodv! Mrs. Topisocdy!" Mrs. Topnoody came out of the kitchen with a drop of perspiration on the end of her nose, a dish-rag lied around her head, and a rolling-pin in her hand. "Well, sir," she said, "what'11 you have ?" Topnoody staggered, but braced np. "Mrs. Topnoody, I want you to under stand, madam"--and he tapped his breast dramatically--"I am the engin­ eer of this establishment." "Oh, you are, are you? Well, Topnoody, I want Jou to understand that I"--and she ooked dangerous--"I am the boilt r that will blow up and sling the engin­ eer over into the next county. Do you hear the steam escaping, Topnoody?" Topnoody heard it, and he meekly inquired if there was any assistance he could render in the household. Wanted to Sue Because of a "Cold Shake." The Captain on duty at the Police Station had just finished making an en­ try in his blotter, when a man in mid­ dle life approached the office and naked * "May I havAa f«w minntefl' con­ versation with you?" "Certainly, sir," said the Captain, in­ viting the stranger into his office. "The fact of the matter is, Captain, that there is a young lady " "Is this a love affair ?" asked the Cap­ tain, interrupting the speaker. "You may call it such if you wish. This young lady I have known but a shorts time, and I was glad to believe that she received my attentions, for she always seemed pleased to have me call, declared that the days were awful long when I did not come around, and she never refused any of the many presents I made her. To-day I made bold enough to intimate that I would like to have her become my partner for life. I Id her that all my hopes were cen­ tered upon the answer to that question, and what do you think she said?" "I'm sure I don't know; women are such strange beings. She might have 'said, 'yes; but for goodness' sake don't say I told yon. ' " : : f - - 1 ' ; . - - "No; she said: 'JXo, siri a2^ don't you forget it.'" "I should construe that," said the Captain, "into what we policemen call the cold shake.'" "Yes, that's the construction I put upon it," remarked the stranger, "and when she repeated those words I felt as if some one was pouring ice-water down my back. Now, the advice I want of you is, as to whether I can have a war­ rant for that young lady for obtaining goods under false pretenses, for, you &ee, she falsely pretended that she loved me, and by that means induced me to make her lots of presents." The Captain informed the stranger that it was very improbable that a war­ rant could be issued under the circum­ stances, and advised him to go home and form a resolution to remain a bach­ elor for the rest of his days.--San Francisco Call. The Largest Cathedral on This Conti* , neat. The cathedral in Puebla, Mexico, is the large&t honse of worship on the continent. The principal front has three spacious entrances, displaying different styles of architecture and with many statues. The two towers on this side are over 200 feet in height and built at a cost of $'200,000. Midway be­ tween those two towers is a gigantic clock, with gilt metal face, ornamented with three statues, representing the three theological virtues. There I counted fifty bells, three of which were the largest I ever saw; one in particu­ lar measuring thirty-five feet and two of them weighing 15,000 pounds each. The main building was begun in 1573, and waa not finished for ninety-odd years, costing $1,700,000. The dimen­ sions of the building are 450 feet in length by 225 feet in width, and the cupola in tho center is about the same height as the two towers. , ,, : A Fashion Question Answered. "Fannie" writes to the Waterbllfy American to inquire "how short girls walking-dresses shall be worn," and that idle journal says in reply: "Real ly, Fannie, we were not previously aware that they should wear their f you contemplate buying anythini announce to you that vve have a go degp rip t i o nrft a so us. t tf }X. " Witness retires, muttering:. "Well, if he ain't the thick-headedest cuss I ever laid eyes on."--JJtica Observer. The Servant Girl in Soilil Life* Shortly after the flood, as we are informed, Abram's wife turned her do­ mestic, Hagar, out of the house on ac­ count of her arrogant conduct, which is perhaps the first authenticated in­ stance on record of trouble between mistress and servant girl. This sort oi trouble, which began so early, still survives in forms so various and often so exasperating as to raise the impatient question whether the serving class is the only dark part of creation which improvement has failed to reach. The question is, no doubt, full of aggrava­ tion and discouragement, forming no exception to the great law of progres­ sive social amelioration. Social changes, it is to be remem­ bered, especially of the elevating and alleviating kind, are always slow. We are beginning to talk of social evolution, and the new science of sociology which treats o f it * bst we h»y? to Inks uma into account before we can realize any conception of advance. Much of the barbarism of early society clings tena­ ciously to the domestic relations, while the modification of human nature and the corresponding mitigation of social imperfections go on but very gradually, tardily and partially. A still further reason for the slow­ ness of improvement in the present^case arises from the peculiarity of the rela­ tions involved. In times of early vio­ lence, it is the weak that are subju­ gated and enslaved, and as civilization advances, it is ever the lowest and ig­ norant class of any society that falls into the condition of menial servitude. The feeblest, the least competent, the least provident, naturally sink to the bottom in the social' scale, and become the helpers, the dependents, the drudges and the servile appendages of the classes who have wealth, intelligence and power. Ill domestic life these re­ lations become organized with the ab­ ject clas^-at the base of social structure. Improving ageucies will obviously take effect alike upon the higher and lower elements. Many icauses will operate powerfully to maintain interests, to fa­ vor the superior class, and to hinder their inferiors; so that servants will be the last to be reached by elevating agencies.--Popular Science Monthly. "YES, yon may come again next Sun­ day evening, Charley, dear, but--" "What is it, darling?' Have I given you pain?" he asked, as she still re­ mained silent. "Yon didn't mean to, I'm sure," she responded, "but next time don't wear one of those collars with the points turning outward; they scratch so." INTEMPERANCE among women is in­ creasing in Great Britain. Some years ago it was five intemperate women to ten men, btit later statistics make it stand seven women to ten men, How Chicagoans Walk. Everybody says that Chicago people walk too fast, and we guess they do. They bowl along the streets as though they were shot out of a Gatling gun. A man meets another rattling, go-as- you-please pedestrian, they collide at the elbows, and both spin on the side­ walks like a couple of tops. One man runs into another and nearly disem­ bowels him. We saw a well-dressed-- we were about to say man, but we will dilute that statement and call him a thing--run over a lady, knocking her off the sidewalk and demoralizing her wearing apparel. He was in a terrible hurry, and he fumed and fretted his way up street a couple of blocks, and then he saw a Dago fruit-seller quar­ reling with a big hoodlum about a couple of diseased oranges, and he stopped dead in his tracks for ten min­ utes to enjov the fun. He was not in quite so much of a hurry as he was. Everybody else stopped, too. In five minutes there were several hundred thousand people, more or less, congre­ gated at the scene, and every mother's son of them before was on the keen run, as though he was going to his mother- in-law's funeral. Yes, ifs a fact; Chi­ cago people are too fast, too rapid, too previously beforehanded in their abnor­ mal gait. They are not in a hurry to get to any particular place. They only want tci get over the ground. A street fight, a case of apoplexy, a drunken man, a dog with a tin can to his tail, or a dead cat, will halt a whole corps of Chicago men on the double quick. And they will hang around until dinner­ time to see what's going to turn up next. They will speed themselves at a 2:10$ gait for a couple of miles, and when they get there they will loaf all the rest of the forenoon, killing time and blue-bottle flies. They are a "git- there" crowd, and i t would be wel l for Eastern people, with sound theological opinions, to take care that they do'tlot forget it.--Cheek. ' NOTHING- is more simple than great­ ness; indeed, to be simple is to be great.- -Emerson* " IfSkw a 'writer' 6*1 works * contained thaaght," a friend may be ao; but it is wi FBOM the time a boy la old until he is thirteen he dasoliihiiro' solid hours of every day ai UitMqr life to learning how to make a new kind of noise. "WHAT is the name ot yottr eat, air?* inquired * victor, "His name waa Wil­ liam," Baid the host, "until he had fite,; and since then we have oalled him Fits William." A CLOCK having struck the hour of one, a tender-hearted woman exclaimed, i "Oh! what a cruel clock!" "Why SO ?" ,; asked a friend. "Because it struck its little one!" MISTRESS to new cook-*-"On Wed- nesdays and Saturdays I shall go to market with you." Hew cook--"Very well, mum, but who's agoin' to carry the basket, mum ?" "AREN'T you fond of gazing at heaven­ ly bodies?" she asked, as they stood shivering in the morning au% watohing the comet. "Yes, dear," he murmured : softly, as he looked her in the eye. A YOUNO man entered a barber-shop S and said he wanted his hair cut com­ modore style. After some investigation and inquiry it was determined thata pompadour was what was wanted. A NEW YOP.K hotel-keeper has $10,- 000 invested in horse-flesh, and some people are wishing he would sell one his horses and buy a few towels for u; per bed-rooms,--Philadelphia News. MOST of us pass our liveis in regret­ ting the past, complaining of the pres­ ent, and indulging false hopes of the future, when it would be vastly be to cut a pole, dig some bait' and go fishing Aix observing persons say: "Some > men are like an umbrella with a crook handle. They are always hanging- around in out-of-the-way places, and'. -• are never to be found when they are wanted. "JUST gone to press, I see," feelingly observed the exchange fiend as the edi­ tor jammed his thumb in the door *' the safe. But the journalist, equal the emergency, fired the fiend out of the . . window, say:ng, as he viewed the man- - gled remains in the street below, "Well,; I'm glad that edition is worked off, any-i ' how."--N. Y. Com. Adv. MRS. YERGER told Mrs. Spillkins that when Colonel Yerger came home from hunting he was dreadfully sunburnt. When Mrs. Spillkins told her husband how Colonel Yerger got sunburnt, Spill- ; kins laughed and said: "Any man can go down into a dark oellar and get sun­ burnt if he takes a quart of whitky with him, as Yerger does when he goes out hunting."--Texas Si/tings. A LITTLE fellow ran to his mother and asked: "Ma, can I have soma* bread and jam?" His mother, wishing'/ to break him of the vicious habit, re­ plied: "When I was your age I couldn't get anything to eat between meals if I wanted it." "Yes," said the boy after a moment's pause, "but yon didn't have a good, nice mamma like me, did you?" That settled it. I GOT a letter from Victoria," re­ marked Gilhooly, to an English resi­ dent of Austin. "Cawnt believe it, yer know. You may 'ave received a letter fwom her Majesty's pwivate secretary* but I am quite sure her Majesty never wrote to a duffer off'ere in Texas.*" "But 111 bet you the drinks I've got a lAffAi* ff02» VivtO?i0 on/4 fliO-f. T. /MUt. produce the document." The confident foreigner took the bet, and Gilhooly produced a letter with the post-mark of "Victoria, Victoria county, Texas, on the envelope. Johnny Bull saw "it was a beastly sell, ye know."--Texas Siftings. A BRIDAL couple boarded the train air Kemptville the other day. The groom was a strapping fellow, and squeezed the bride into a seat next the window. Some of the train hand who were posted put the newsboy up to bringing in a box of baby-rattles offering the embarrassed party their choice for 5 cents. All sorts of excuses were offered by the man as reason for not buying. Finally he made a clean breast of the situation with: "See here, young fellow, I've only been married a little over fifteen minutes. Give us a rest. We don't want to set up housekeeping right here in the car. Keep your tinware au' 111 be along next year. If the returns are satj^ap tory, I'll buy your hull caboodle.* ' Originating New Fruits. " It is a good sign when so many art engaged in originating new varieties oi fruits. While some may do this wholly for the money they expect to make therefrom (and there is money in a new fruit if it has meritorious qualities), there are still others who strive to im­ prove small fruits for the pleasure tlieii = work gives them and for the benefit oi generations to come. It was for this latter reason that the venerable horti­ culturist, Marshall P. Wilder, was led to say, "I would rather be the man who shall originate a luscious fruit, suited to cultivation throughout our land,and oi which successive generations shall par­ take long after 1 am consigned to the bosom of mother earth, than to wear- the crown of the proudest conqueror who has triumphed over his fellow- men." We are not all ready to say this yet, but some are approacning it. It takes trouble, time, patience and cars to succeed in producing a ' variety worthy to be cultivated; bnt, when done, what a rich legacy to future gen­ erations. «, An Unparalleled Carver. "I remember onoe, when I was in jhe East Indies, I carved a duck--and a duch isn't an easy thing to carve, let me tell you--I carved a duck on shipboard, during a cyclone that blew so hard, b^ Jove, that the people at dinner had to eat lying flat on the floor and holding on to the legs of the stationary table. That's the sort of a carver I am." Tm. pressed by this story, his host, the next time this expert carver is dining out, asks him to carve the fowl. The expert carver applies himself to the task with vigor, but with a deplorable lack of success. His face grows red as any beet and great beads of perspiration stand out upon his forehead. "And yet there is no cyclone blowing1!" remarks one of the diuers solemnly. "By Jove, that's ' it!" exclaimed the carver; "I never could carve when ij; was calm. It takes a cyclone to evoke the resources of my nature. That's the sort of a carver { am!"--Exchange. I A CHINAMAN thus describes his expe­ rience at draw poker: "I dlaw thlee caTds, get flo acee, bet flive dolla, no- bodda clom in. Next time I dlaw two cttrdee, get flo kingee, bet ten dolla, no- bodda clom in. Next timee I dlaw one cardee, get no flushee, bet fifteen dolla, every bodda dom in, Chinaniaa buseed."