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ILLINOIS. WBT IBE tOTED '"Snwar iMMiiwl. Sbe turned her --,-- j wan-wave rolled DOwa tbe fcaekot her nack, and «al4: What Is It. Mike?" H* }Hill"d bis mustacha, bristling and red, While hi* under In- hong like a lump of load; v, Irma why Your Mike /" At tarned «pon him h«r lustrous eyn% From a /ac an angei himself would prtn, Then hid In the to dn of her gulden hair. And wrtfnliv veiled her beauty th re, for irma 0 Shaugnnessy's manner was *are. *|i it," criei M chrel MoGreeor McCann, £ f '"Btoauss I'm considered a handsome mail? "No," she sobbed, , While Mike's heart throbbad. -In it," he asked, "because fortune has smiled Upon Mike as her own daring child?" "No," she rrplied. While Michael sighei "laIt because," said this lover trtii, ^ "I anpplv you with plenty or gam tophew?** ; "No," She grasped. As her hand he clasped. : T h e n , whr," he shrieked, "oh, why do yon tot® Your Mike, and call him your turtle dorpl" '•&$ ?'* Up from the depths of her golden hair * , lima raised her face so fair; ' The light of her soul tilled the sides of har eyee,. jyake w She #mUed like a wagon-load of pies, Wf % Aftd, drawing Mike near,' ,,«• To cli<ew his ear, y, flbe uttered these words between her V'VV ."A' u- \S ""Oh. Mikev dear, I lore von not • . I-\»* • Because both bsanty and wealth swweot; . . Kor ytt because whenever you ocviue . ^ v' You bring me a dollar's worth of chewing-jflsm. t , 1 My love tor you ' Has n> thing to do tr»h tbe tattled r alms of Nvnm-t-Nyam; ss| I lore you simply for your * Hex eliipiio, broKin-in-two, ' a Vix* Vi 5'* , *r* x*"' Thret>-co n-?r d hast-ball thnMttl' --£it. Louis Po*t-Dispatch. -;t ! • HIRAM'S FOLKS. *"So Hiram's folks has made money, "*•- ' eh?" said old Mr. Biggs. Miss Paulina Prickett had invited the * Biggs family to tea, Math hot waffles, '*• w ' quince preserves, Sally-lunns, angel cake and the best quality of Young Hy- Jj(jt ,, son, to celebrate the purchase of a new : t! tea set--white French China with a gold ^ band on the edge--in which she had : indulged. Inviting the Biggs family, H . as Paulina very well knew, was better :*ff than advertising the whole thing in the i^r newspaper, for there was a goodly mim- * ber of them, and they always talked to everybody about everything. The " Biggses seldom invited company them- selves, because, like John Gilpin's wife, < ^ - they had a frugal mind, but they always v «MI« in full force when they were bid- ;'5^-j!"<den. : "Yes," said Mrs. Horatio Biggs; *in the bpok business,?m told." ~ "I kr.owed a book maker once," ob- Served Miss Prickett, liberally ladling ; out the golden sirup of the quinces, "as " got 90 cents a day and found him- 'That was a bookbinder, Aunt Prick- «tt," Mud 'Esther, her niece, who was g. *®rv*n€> ®P the waffles nice and hot, with • countenance considerably inflamed lii; fii ^om the vicinity of the kitchen stove. "Well, where's the difference?" . sharply retorted Miss Prickett. "And everybody knows as printers $2W$£ '•* 4ont get no wages to signify," joined V;w< in Mrs. Luke Biggs, who wore a green- -8 V dyed silk with plated bracelets, and a „ *• cameo breastpin as large as an individ- [r tU^ butter plate. "I saw one once ; » standing on the steps of a newspaper 1°®ce> wore a dreadful shabby bat, with no coat, and a shirt as was ail Tj '.* * blacks and grease spots, only fit for the , ,4 washtub." "Printers have to dress according to -their work, I suppose," said Lqke, sur­ lily. The Biggs famihr had not been like Dr. Watts' proverbial birds, which "in their little nests agreed." Horatio Biggs bad overreached his two younger brothers in business, and set up* a "gen­ eral store" in Biggsville, out of the re­ sult of sharp practice, with a tall, Angular wife who despised Mrs. Luke because she had once worked in a fac­ tory, and scorned Mra. Hiram because «he was a teacher when her husband first met her. Luke Biggs was a selfish,grind­ ing, miserly fellow who drudged away •en the old larm because he was too par •imonipTis to spend the money necessary to enter any other business, arid Mrs. Xuke's chief end and aim in life was to •screw enough cash out of her husband to outdress the other matrons and maids of the neighborhood. . Miss Josepha Biggs, the unmarried daugh- r - tpr, made dresses for "the genteelest ^1?rr families only," and old Mr. and Mrs. .li .%• hred in a wing of the old home- a ;, ••tead, and when they were not quairel- lag between themselves made common • -cause against Mrs. Horatio. • •n il' • Under the circumstances it was not Sr«ff to be marv elled at that Hiram Biggs, vK "Who had contrived to get an education -u .-from bi» slender share of the family « !!' money (a few thousand dollars left by "a •" 3' distant relative, and gobbled up at f <*&£• ' • • : ' ; 'i~ 0W* »«• f'tK-'tt •Once by the Biggses), and the young wife that he had married, had found the atmosphere too full of disagreeable electricity, and removed to New York. . "Take my word for it," said Mrs. Jloratio Biggs, "you are making a great mistake." "Don't you expect us to support yon "When you come back here without a cent," said Mrs, Luke, ruefully sigh­ ing. "Hiram's marriage has been his ruin," •whispered Miss Josepha. "I offered to Tay «i* 50 cents a day to help trim dresses in busy times, but she fW.lino^ JV" "Elizabeth always was too proud to TP*t up with us plain people," said Mrs. Biggs, Sr., wit£ the quiet malice that occasionally develops itself in a mother- in-law. These family details may in some ' measure account for the animus dis- -played over the waffles and angel-cake t H^Miss Prickett's tea-party that after- Well," sniff# Miss Josepha, "accord­ ing to my idek of things bookmaking ain't no business at all. If it was car­ pentering, now, or the hardware line, •or if Elizabeth had energy enough to y° into the millinary trade instead of jpftving $4 • in good, h&td maney for a Spring hat, as slie did when she was Staying here in April! But I've no faith in'their calculations, and n. ver had." Mr. and Mrs. Hiram Biggs, however, .bad ambitions which the lamilv never ftissnald of. Hiram's tastes 'had al­ ways been of a reliued and literary na- tnre, and several simple stories of rural lile, which he had ventured to send, with fear and trembling, to a popular monthly magazine, had been accepted SWd liberally paid for. And Elizabeth, •though she could not trim hats, and ab- lioried the dres making busi ess, had • delicate f.mcy with her pencil in illus- trsting the ideal dreams of others, and ;4he, too, tried her luck and succeeded fortune Tr l?iggswTOtea^tt4fe4l£oTel ufcder the noto^deplwof "Patd dfe Saves, which hsd a inde sDd liivliaat cireuls- tion; Mrs. Biggs illiwtrltted a popular poem which WM lmmght out in an edi­ tion de luxe at Christmas. And the young conple became the fashion. The Biggses, of Biggsville, not being literary, were a long time in finding out ^hat their kinspeople were suooeeding in the world. At first they declined to credit the thing at all, having a settled idea that the "bookmaking business," ns they persisted in calling it, was but a grade above the avocation of the rag­ picker. But when at last they realized matters they decided that Hiram and : jSlisabeth ought to be encouraged. ' "IVe never been to New York," said <>ld Mr. Biggs. "Folks tell me its quite S stirring place. I guess I'll go and Stay a spell with Hiram's folks. And it'll be a good opportunity for mother to buy herself that new alpacky gownd she's been cacklin' bout this ever so long." "I don't see why I shouldn't see the World as well as other folks," remarked Mrs. Biggs, Sr. "I shouldn't wonder if I went along, too, to s look at the fSll fashions," said Miss Josepha. "Well, while we're about it," sug­ gested Mrs. Horatio, "why don't we up . a. party and get excursion tickets cheap? I've always wanted to see what the city was like myself, only 1 do»'t care about paying hotel prices." Mrs, Luke entered with ardor into the scheme, and the old man sat down, with a single sheet of fibrous paper, a muddy inkstand and a stumpy steel pen tied on a stick with thread, to concoct a letter, in which he formally notified "Hiram's folks" of the pleasure which fhey might prepare themselves to expect. ; The document was brought just' as 'Hiram Biggs was getting into the spirit of his morning's work in his study, with Elizabeth dreaming at an adjoining table, and the breath of a vase of Ni- phetos roses perfuming all the room. "Mv dear," said he, looking aghast at his wife, "what are we to do? All the family are coming to visit us. With the proof-sheets of my last novel coming in, and your etchings of 'Wi.d Rose' only half completed.*' "We must do the best We can, Hiram," said Elizabeth, perplexedly knitting her pretty brows together. "My darling child, there's no 'besf about it," groaned Hiram, tearing his hair, which, being brown and curly, looked none the less picturesque for the operation. "You don't know the peculiarities of the Biggs family as I do. You will be dragged up and down Grand street, Eighth avenue and the Bowery from morning until night--you will have to visit every show, theater Bind picture gallery in New York, and pay all the bills. Your housekeeping will be picked to pieces, your dress criticised, and ten to one my mother will offer to come here and take charge of the baby, while Josephs will volun­ teer to improve your most cherished drawings." Mrs. Hiram Biggs glanced with ter­ ror at the plump baby who, in charge of its white-capped nurse, was being carried up and down the pavement in front of the house. Then she looked piteously around the pretty Brussels- carpeted library, with its deep, crim­ son-curtained bay windows, its tall Dracaena plants in majolica vases, its oil paintings and Japanese scrolls, its cage of green paroquets and shelves of china and bric-a-brac, and pictured to herself the whole Biggs family spread­ ing themselves over its sacred precincts; she was only human, too, this young wife; she could scarcely help remem­ bering how Mrs. Horatio had snubbed her when, she ' first came, a timid and shrinking bride, to the Biggs farm­ house ; how Mrs. Luke had once re­ fused to lend hpr 25 cents, in Hiram's absence, to pay the charges on a tele­ gram, alleging as a treason "that it wasn't never good policy to have busi­ ness matters between relatives," nor how old Mrq. Biggs had cried and said "that Hiram had shown dreadful poor judgment in selecting his wife," while Miss Josepha had taken especial pains to contradict every statement she made, and Luke and Horatio had ignored her altogether. < Hiram laughed; "My little darling," said he, "I can interpret that look. You shall not be tormelited out of your ex­ istence to become a convenience to a swarm of relations-in-law, who don't any of them care a copper cent for you. If they had ever treated us decently, it it would be a different matter. As it is--" "But, Hiram, you can't send word to your father and mother and brothers and sisters not to come," pleaded Eliza­ beth. "No," said Hiram Biggs, thoughtfully, "I shall do nothing of the sorl. But ~ shall send no word $t all." "They'll come, all the same," said Elizabeth. , "But," said Hiram, with sparkling eyes, "they don't know where we live." "They'll look out your name in the directory," sighed Elizabeth. "It isn't there," said Hiram,, chuck- Jing- Not there ?" fepeated his wife, "Don't you remember that we didn't move in here until June? How could our names be in the directory?" argued' Hiram. Mrs. Biggs clasped her hands dra­ matically. "There's a family of Biggses in the .next avenue," said she--" ' H. Biggs, Books, Stationery and News Agent.' They'll go there. Well, let them," said Wiram "Just as they please, so long as they don't come here." And he threw the letter of Biggs pere into the scrap-basket, secretly feeling himself to be avenged on the family for all the slights and jeers and neglect that they had cast not only on him, but on his gentle little Elizabeth. "But, Hiram," said Mrs. Biggs, "it seems so dreadful." "Not half so dreadful as a visitation of the whole Biggs family would be," said Hiram, with a groan. But Hiram knew little of, the perse­ verance and energy of the fyggses if he believed that so trifling an impedi­ ment as a lack of invitation or a delay in sending addresses would keep out the invas.oo. It was Canute and the ocean over again; and in three days the wholo family arrived, all packed into one hack to save expense, with a perfect Leaning Tower of Pisa of bag­ gage on the roof, the driver perched in front nobody knew how, and Mrs. Luke's\two little boys astride of the very apex |>f the tower. At the first wholesale grocery store ©n Barclay street a directory was handed in and duly studied, and the driver "hanging half-way down, like one who gathers samphire, dreadful trade," was bidden to drive to No. 26,012 ... Miss Josepha, who hsa had Ins good luck to sectttre a win­ dow, "if this jg Hiram's elegant city (From the AafepnBaw Traveler.] "I never will forgive the Confederate Government," said Col. War tick, when * _ w JL|J|AU£a*sla MUftl a || cs& VJfc» wW "B . . . ! » s k « * t * * e l * t e » w a r r e m i n i s c e n c e . " I of styl*. Brown brick, with dormer | Btart®d out with a ripe determination of win^rs, and only two stones high; doittft fcyerrthmg in my power for the and the whole front a store, with ins ( catuM^ but men who had more authority shutters up, just exactly as if there had twten a death in the family." "Dear me!" said old Mrs. Biggs, "how you do startle one! But there ain't no crape on the door." "Mother takes everything so dead in earnest," said Mr. Luke Biggs, soorn- fullv. "Lemme see," said Mrs. Horatio, crowding across the old lady, and giv­ ing her best hat a "poke" not intended by the milliner. "Well, I declare! I guess the bookmaker's business ain't so dreadful full of money, after all." "And a liquor store next door and a pawnbroker across the street," jet>ringly observed Miss Josephs. "P'r'aps that's the way folks lives in New York," said old Mr. Biggs, who was squeezed nearly flat between his wife and Mrs. Luke on the back seat. " Tain't what I expected to see," said Mrs. Horatio, in accents of scarcely re­ pressed scorn. "I don't know hpw they oan accom­ modate us all," sighed old Mrs. Biggs, vainly endeavoring to straighten her bonnet. "That's their lookout," said Mrs. Luke, leaning comfortably back, with the heel of her boot balanced on her father-in-law's most sensitive corn. The driver having by this time tum­ bled off his perilous seat, and rung the door-bell twice without evoking any signs of life from within, looked ap- pealingly toward his fares. # ';%fr "What am I to do?" said he.. "Ring again," said Mrs. Horatip^ M And the hackman rang again, this time with so much energy as to pull the whole bell-wire out and precipitate himself backward on the pavement, like Hamlet at the first . sight of his father's ghost, at which the little boys laughed engagingly, and a hat box tum­ bled down from the Leaning Tower into the gutter, where it split open like an over-ripe nut, revealing Mr. Horatio Biggs' best black felt hat. "Boys, boys, do set steady up there!" screamed Mrs. Biggs. "Look! There's some one coming at last. Is it Hiram? Or is it Elizabeth ?" It was neither one nor the other, as it happened, but a stout old woman in a flannel dressing-gown, carpet slippers and a red nose. "Mr. Biggs"folks to home?" shrilly inquired Mrs. Horatio, who had con­ stituted herself spokeswomen for the party, without any formal appoint­ ment. 'Oh, yes," sswered the old woman, a snuffy, confidential sort oi tone, they're to hum. But p'r'aps the chil­ dren hadn't better come in." By this time the hackman had opened the door of the vehicle, and the tide of j " " TL rl„t Jn'« tn mif ™ I suffered greatly. The Captain s than I had pulled against me, and con sequently I stepped aside. They even went so far as to court-martial me. Now, if there is anything in military life that takes a man's appetite it is to be court»martialed. It is pretty bad in civil lift to be tried before.a Justice of the Peace, but that isn't anything to- compare with a court-martial, and es- speciallv when he knows full well that he has done nothing to merit such severe handling." "Why were you court-martialed, Colonel?" asked one of the company. "For the simple discharge of my duty. Just about the time it behooved the Confederacy to make every edge cut that could, I wa3 apnt into a community to press guns, and to draft and arm every available man. Well, I went to work and discharged the duty in ac­ cordance with mf construction of the order. At- one place we seized a large number of double-barrel shot-guns. In examining them we found many that were damaged so greatly that only one barrel could be used. I told my men not to throw them aside, but to keep them--that they would come in handy. In this community there were a great many saw-mills and family feuds, and consequently there were a great many one-legged men. Oae day I issued an order that all the one-legged men to be found within a radius of twenty-five miles should be brought into camp. The order was strictly observed, and within two weeks we had seventy-five cripples. Forming them in line on day, I ordered the disabled shot-guns to be brought out. When I took up a gun whose right barrel was useless, I would give it to a man who had lost the use of his right leg, and so on until the seventy-five men wefe armed. This was strictly appropriate, for we had no other use for the crippled guns, and the country certainly had no other use for the crippled men. I took great pride in this crippled company. . I wanted it to make a name--wanted each man to feel proud of himself. They elected as Captain a tall fellow who lost his left leg while rafting logs. We presented him, attended by disabled ceremony, with a broken sword and double- barreled pistol with one hammer gone. It would have tickled you to death to have seen them on dress-parade, and their quick-time would have made Na­ poleon pull off his hat and grin. Well, pretty soon I had occasion to use them. The enemy came upon me unexpectedly, and in the hurry incident upon such oc­ casions I placed the one-legged com­ pany in the warmest part of the field. The battle lasted several hours and was a draw fight. My one-legged company Biggses had begun to flow out on the pavement. But Mrs. Luke stopped abruptly on the carriage step, with her father-in-law's bronzed visage peeping over her shoulder. "Not come in," said she. "Why, we're their relations--come to visit 'em." Not but what they're a deal better, and the doctor says there ain't no more danger of contagion," reassuringly ad­ ded the old woman. "Contagion," echoed the Biggs family. "Hadn't you heard?" said the old woman, with the solid satisfaction old women generally evince in communi­ cating any startling piece of informa­ tion. "Well, it ain't no secret in the neighborhood, especially as people ain't best pleased with the Board of Health concludin' to insulate 'em here instead of sendin' 'em to hospital. They've every one of 'em had the small­ pox. And that's the reason the store is shut up. I'm here to nurse 'em. . I ain't afraid of the small-pox, bein' as I've had it already." (Which was a self-evidSnt fact to any one who looked upon her broad, smil­ ing countenance.) "Bless me!" Baid Mrs. Luke, prompt­ ly retreating into the hack. "Very thoughtless of Hiram's folks not to let us know. Mother! Josepha! Harriet Ann! come in at once. Pick up the hat-box. Tell the man to drive back to the ferry as fast as he can. P'r'aps we'll we able to catch the 4 o'clock train back to Biggs ville." "I didn't know," suggested the old woman, rather disappointed at this sudden withdrawal of the invading forces, "but you might have come to help nurse 'em." "Nothing of the sort," Mrs. Horatio answered, as, flamming herself into the already overful hack, she slammed the door with an emphatic bang, and shout­ ed to the driver to "go on." "The--small-pox," groaned Mrs. Biggs senior. "And not one of the children has been vaccinated!" "We'd better stop at the nearest drug store and have it done-at once," said Mrs. Luke, breathlessly. "It'll be dreadful expensive," said Mrs. Horatio. "But it'll be cheaper than having thq small-pox," argued Mrs. Biggs. So, after this important sanitary ceremonial, during which the Biggs boys bawled as if they were being flayed alive, the family returned, without lost of time to Biggsville. And Hiram's folks did not have the pleasure, then or ever, of entertaining their relations. In fact, they nevei dreamed how near they had been tc that happiness. The Biggsville Biggsei declared over sad over again that thej should never forgive their city relations^ but, as Hiram's folks did not know, they were saved from any overwhelming pangs of conscience. They wrote a letter to the Board of Health, reproach­ ing them bitterly with the bad manage­ ment of the varioloid case in Thirteenth avenue, but they never got any answer from that august body. In short, the Biggs family were verv angry, but they would probably have been angrier still if they had known with what fortitude Hiram's folks endured the privation of their society. --Harper'a Bazar. tically, the suspeqted spot, and at last, in an agony of apprehension, rushed out of the car and mlo an adjacent bar room in search of s mirror. f l " * $ k Strictly Necesssry, In one oi the rural counties of Ar­ kansas Capt. Slocas was arraigned be­ fore court on a charge of murder. The Captain was defended by the leading lawyers of the district, and from the first it was evident that the indictment could not ba sustained. As a last re­ sort, the ambitious prosecuting attor­ ney, not celebrated for legal ability, arose and said: "Your Honor, and you, gentlemen of the jury, I don't suppose that in all this country there can be found a man who is more than I am disposed to do right, and thereby reflect credit upon my country and myself. The able gentle­ men who have opposed me in this case may b© honorable gentlemen, but they have not immigration at heart. - They have shown by oratory and argument that the prisoner is innocent, and that he should be allowed to go free. Ac­ cording to the strict construction of the law, this may be true; but such a vin­ dication and consequent liberation would not, I am persuaded, serve the best interests of our rapidly-developing country." "Your Honor," exclaimed a lawyer for the defense, "the gentleman talks like a mad man. The idea of hanging a man, when he is innocent, speak? more of the cannibal than the Ameri­ can citizen." - "Let me explain," continued the prosecuting attorney. "I affirmed that I am working for tne best interests of the country, and I repeat the assertion. Within the past six months we have hung three negroes in this county, but not a white man has been stretched. This is discrimination, which immigra­ tion will not tolerate. Unless you hang a white man occasionally, you cannot iDg"a mouutaiu hope to become known as an impartial neighborhood. It would be just as bad if you were to hang all white men and no negroes, for, in either event, discrim­ ination is exhibited. Now, in the inter­ est of fairness, I ask that the Captain, who is a white man, be hanged, and that a copy of the resolutions be sent to each immigration agent and newspaper in the North. Gentlemen of the jury, and you, Judge, 'all have land for sale. Do you suppose that, under the present Mount m to. bs-'liilfcir'rlbMa suPPoeed. . I# **9&m •;«* earth's surface is probably move byone- half than w» estimated by Bfcrachel and Pomllet, sad materially ex­ ceeds the values assigned )nr more recent investigators. It would in one year melt a mist of ice over 809 feet thick. This is, of course, a statement in very round numbers. The scientific phrase would be that the suit's vertical energy could rsise the temperature of one gram of distilled wat6r 3 deg. Centigrade per minute for each centi­ meter of the earth's, surface nominally exposed. Having supplied us with au increased amount of heat, the Mount Whitney ex­ periments also favor us with new figures of intenser cold. The estimates of Herschel and Pouillet made the tem­ perature of space 224 deg. below the zero of Fahrenheit. The new results carry it down nearly to the calculations for the absolute zero, the nbsenoe of all heat, say minus 459 deg. Fahrenheit. To the non-scientific mind the distinc­ tion between sueh far-down tempera­ tures is not unlike that between the pains of rheumatism and the pains of gout--tbe first being as from a thumb­ screw twisted to the last point of human endurance, the gout giving one turn more. Further, it appears that the direct heating power of the sun can not raise a thermometer quite 50 deg. Fahren­ heit above its surroundings, whatever they may be. If we suppose the whole globe a thermometer, and without an atmosphere, the sun could only heat it 50 deg. above the cold of space, leaving it at about minus 400 deg. Fahrenheit under full sunshine. The internal heat of the earth may be disregarded in these calculations. It seems paradox­ ical to say that, if the atmosphere were removed fiom the earth, its surface would receive more heat and yet be much colder. But this is a fact of the same kind as our experience in ascend- The atmosphere does indeed cut off a great deal of heat, but on the other hand it keeps a great deal of that which it permits to pass through. When the air is heated up to its re­ taining capacity an "equilibrium" is established. To illustrate: Let us imagine a large, empty, windowles s hall, with two doors partially obstructed by Centennial turnst les, one for entry and one for exit. A procession of 100 persons en­ ter .per minute. At first there is abuL- one-sided laws, you will ever be able ^ant r00m; few want to come out. At to dispose of it? No; you cannot. I the end of the second or third minute lived in a community once where for perhaps only three people are leaving J& the artistic world, much to her own j Thirteenth avenue. •jfMMMemeat. And as time went on their 1 "H. Biggs," said Mrs. TJU-fftiiri ; A 'Jlfot tyilte Ten Years Old. * tn Ifront of me sat a lady and toy. The conductor came along, punchid her ticket and asked: "How old is the boy?" "Ten years old to-day," said she. "We collect half-fare from all children 10 years old or more," said he. The lady hesitated, colored somewhat, and said: "He will not be 10 until about 11 o'clock to-night." The con­ ductor colored also and passed, while the passengers smiled.--Boston Herald. AN idea of the magnitude of the. flower trade of New York may be gained from the statement that one florist in that city ships on .an average 1,000 tons a year by express to every part 1 of the Union. Peg was shattered by a ball, and during the fight he sent an orderty into the woods to make him another leg. Other mem­ bers of the company were similarly served; and, sir, the amount of splinters on the battle-ground was simply as­ tonishing. The enemy had fired low, and three out of six wooden legs were disabled. Before complete repairs could be made my General came along, and, not berKg able to understand why so much kindling-wood should be scattered over a battle-field, asked the reason. I explained, expecting him to compliment me on my ingenuity, but the unappreciative fellow had me court- martialed. I left the service, and dur­ ing the remaining time of the war I aided the cause by capturing mules from the Union men and burning cotton that might have fallen into possession of the enemy." . The Liberal Passenger. " 1 A lot of tourists were traveling in a sleeping-car, also a Nevada traveler. In tbe morning when the porter went Iround to collect his assessment on boot- blacking there was a great commotion among the Boston tourists. Some paid him a 5-cent nickel, and those who had no nickel were compelled to yield up short bits. All the while the Nevada man, dressed in ordinary clothes, sat reading his paper. When the porter reached him he looked up inquiringly: "Did you black my boots, sir?" "Yes, sah." "You did a splendid job; never had my boots blacked so well before on this line. Here's $3." When the porter pocketed the money the Boston people looked up astonished, and presently it was rumored about that John Mackey was aboard, or Enoch Strother was out on a campaigning trip. In a few minutes the Nevada man and the porter met (by chancp) in the smok­ ing-room, "When does my sleeping ticket run out?" "Your time was up, sah, at Ogden, but if you wants to ride to Reno, boss, it's all right, sah." The traveler gave the darkey a drink out of a black bottle, and the porter winked continuously for nine seconds 63 he drank the traveler's health. Six dollars saved. Economy is the road to wealth.--Carson (Nev.) Ap­ peal. ' " Stay in Oshkosh and Skowhegfli. Let me say, in the first place, to any one wishing to come to New York to write, and there seems to be so many, that no one can write as well here as iu the rest and peace of home. Remember, you have the same Shakspeare, Byron, Bible--all the books, indeed, in even the remotest part of the country that are used here, and if you can't write "im mortal things" where you are, you oan't do it in New York, and there is no use thinking of it. There is nothing hfere to sharpen your mind; but there is much to confuse and dull it. Unlike in London and Paris, literary men do not always touch elbows here. You might hover about the Atlantic seaboard here for years and not see Holmes, or How­ ell, or Whitman and such men unless you made a special mission to their Bhrines. I should say to every one wishing to write, remain where you are, under your native skies, among the birds and beasts and flowers where you were born, six years none but negroes had been hanged. The lauds were rich, and the mineral resources were wonderful, but immigration held aloof. A committee was appointed to in­ vestigate the oause. The com­ mittee reported that the cause rested with the fact that no white men were hung. Immediate action was taken, and a white man who, as living, was of no service to the community, was hung, upon the principle that every man, either living or dead, must serve his country. Then, gentlemen, it was realized that a great deed had been committed. People from all parts of the country poured in, and to-day you cannot buy a foot of land in the county. for 100 arriving. After a longer inter­ val the number of departing guests is much greater. At last the hall is crowded to its utmost capacity, and if we still suppose 100 per minute entering it is absolutely certain that 100 per minute must be getting out. This final condition is one which we may call equilibrium. If the turnstiles of Cen­ tennial patte n record their turnings, we can ascertain exactly how many people are in the hall at any moment. Now to apply the illustration to heat- bearing rays entering our atmosphere, we may suppose that nearly all reach the soil through radiation; 90 per cent, go out through the regular exit of "con­ vection;" 9 per cent, squeeze back These are my reasons. Look to your through the turnstile by which they lands, gentlemen of the jury; look to entered--"radiation;" and 1 per cent, your lands. Judge. . f J cl mb out through the chimney of "con- The Judge, in his chlirge to the jury," duction." It follows that by merely A Whipped Masher. A young woman riding in a Boston horse-car had endured for ten minutes the fixed gaze of an impertinent dandy, when a simple way of getting the better of him occurred to her. Assuming an expression of horror, which gradually relaxed into amusement, she looked steadfast for a moment at a point on his coat-collar just below his ear, and then with s quiet smile turned her eyes away. Never was the complacency of s young tool more completely dis­ turbed. He fidgeted in his seat, went I said: Gentlemen, I have listened with a great deal of interest to the speech of the prosecuting attorney, and I must say that I am deeply impressed. All of us are land-poor and are at a loss to know how to rid ourselves of our bur­ dens. With immigration, we could sell lands and buy fine horses and flat to­ bacco and old whisky. You could throw aside your patched pants and observations firmly establish the fact by merely regulating the turnstiles by modifying this capacity for selecting and holding rays of certain wave-lengths, atmos­ pheres could be constructed which would keep the planet Mercury cool, or the far-off Neptune comfortably warm. Here is a hint for romancers who wish to plant their dramatis personal in some otber world. The Allegheny and Mount Whitney that the sun is blue. The particular shade of color which it has, if viewed without intervening atmosphere, may be laid down as that on the border of the blue near the green, about where the line F appears in the spectrum. Sad to say, this is not an "esthetic" hue; it is more like that referred to in one of Soutliey's poems; "You could jalmost smell brimstone, their breath fwas so blue, for he painted the devils so Iwell."--William C. Wyckoff, in Har­ per's Magazine. could wear short coats without shame. I am much struck with the idea of im­ provement, and I advise its adoption. The Captain here is of no use to the community, and believing that his corpse will be worth more than hia living body, and believing that you all agree with me, I sentence him to be hanged as soon as the Sheriff can find a rope."--Arkansaw Traveler. ' \ The Wild Horse in Australia. It is but a little over a century since' the first horse was imported into Syd­ ney, Australia, and whether this equine prodigy, as the first settlers regarded him, came l'rom Valparaiso or from the Cape of Good Hope is still a disputed question. Not many years elapsed from the introduction of horses to a country where soil, climate, and ge­ ography lend themselves admirably to the propagation of the race before a he wanted them to take. Benjamin few specimens escaped into the circum- rented a fine old residence here, which jacent bush, where tliey bred and mul- he did not occupy more than six or tiplied with amazing rapidity. The re- seven months at most in the year. At suit is that thousands and tens of all times he entertained as many friends thousands of horses now run wild in as he could get in his house for a day, a Australia, and especially in Queenes- j week, a month or a year. One of his land and the northern districts of New courtiers, Jlahin byname, a charming South Wales. They are, for the most old Louisiana gentleman, who had lived part, spindle-shanked, flat-sided, cat-, so long in Benjamin's house that he. hammed, straight-shouldered brutes, which, according to Mr. A. 0. Grant, the lively author of "Bush Life in Queensland," would be dear if pur­ chased at Aldridge's for £2 apiece.-- The, Hour. An Anecdote of Judah P. Benjamin. He was a man of quick perceptions, his friends say--of great acuteness and of great depth. He grasped every sub­ ject he grappled with, and he had the ability to hold it up to the light so that everybody else could see it just as he did, which was, of course, just the view he wanted The Ort of and Edoeatien Com­ pared. In a speeoh delivered in Boston, Mr. Henry P. Kidder gave the following figures, from official statistics of the year 1880, to show that the expenses for war preparations in European coun­ tries are usually from seven to tan times as much as for education: For •dnoatlan. ...*3,700,000 ... 9,140,000 ... 2,800,000 l*or wsr. £20,600,008 10,413,(^0 M,7O'.»(OO0 In England In France In Russia In addition, the burdening of the people with army taxes, the impover­ ishing of treasuries for the hoarding up of war material, and the exaction of military service from those who take no interest in such a career, are evils of the huge war establishments of Europe. Stammering. Statistics collected in Prussia show that about two persons in every 1,000 stammer. This makes 2,503,000 ol stammerers in the world. But, at stammering among North American In­ dians was unknown in Cailin's time, it is probably a disease of advanced civil­ ization only. WHEAT ripens in Italy by the end on June, but in Europe generally it is not ready for the reaper before the month of August, and in some parts not before September. NEITHER interest nor friendship, to please any man, should oause us to do evil. HAPPINESS consists in the oonatite' through dreadful contortion ̂ and al-1 tion of the habits.--PaUy- came to regard Benjamin as a guest,4 was indebted for some favor to one of the under clerks in the office of the Clerk of the Supreme Court. He can­ celed his obligation one day with a gift of a box of the finest cigars the clerk had ever seen. The clerk duly ex-, pressed his gratitude, and laid tne ci­ gars away for rare occasions. A week or two afterward Judah P. Benjamin sauntered into the office, and, as was his custom, conversed for. a nhile in his brilliant way with the clerk and his as­ sistants. "Won't you have a cigar?" asked the young clerk, quite sure that this was a rare occasion, as Mr. Benja­ min rose to go. "Thank you," said Benjamin, taking a cigar from the care­ fully-kept box extended by the clerk. A smile of recognition crept over his face as he looked at the cigar. Then he sniffed the odor of the tobaeoo. "Ah," he said, with a good-humored laugh, "as I thought, Jania's been in mv cigars again. Gcod-by."--Philadel­ phia Record. ________ Janet Heme Frem Chan*. Janet was not comely, but an excel­ lent servant and especially devout. One Sunday afternoon, on returning from the kirk, she mentioned to the ladies of the family how much she had enjoyed the services. Shortly afterward, they heard her scolding at a great rate, and one of the ladies remonstrated with her: "Why, Janet, I'm afraid the service did you very little good, after all, as you seem to have lost your temper." "Ah, weel," said Janet, "I left Willum to look after things, and everything's so upset it's enough to take the taste & prayer out o' one's mouth." DB. HALL 1»M said that taking a walk before breakfast has put mote people hi their coffins than the alboMats they were seeking to get rid of> THB V.™,, , . ... SLANO ttsver heard from the liie c#V bride--"Sent give me away." # Tu Lampoon mn* a CaiH"' of ooal is the HSm lig5 grihiest talker in existence could not talk long enough to tire i wagonwheeL ̂ THB diamond is the stone far an eji. gagement;but give us the old cobble­ stone in a free fight. "MIBEBY loves company." Thatit the reasons hen-pecked husband alk vises his friends to marry. ONE who knows says that in the the country they blow a horn bfrfoue dinner, but in town they take one. A YoirNct ladies' seminary blew ixs the other day down East. It is "snip posed that a spark got into the powder* room. "Dwo vos SGHOOST enough, blldt dree was too blendy," remarked ffani, when his girl asked him to take h«| mother along with him t> the dance. • ' & answer to the question, "Can a man marry on $10 a week?" some oil* asserts: "He cannot if the girl is awfiro ©f the amount of his inobme." COUNTRY yokel (to hi? son, at a coak" oert,during the performance of adnet)-~ "D'ye see, Tom, now it's getting late, they're singing two at a time, so as get done sooner. " EUCHERED ; Jack (admiringly)--"Yoi are a trump. Miss. Marian." MissM.-- "Why do you ea l me such a name aa that?" Jack (triumphantly)--"Because of your taking tricks." • "Iif chosing a wife,^ says an e*> change, "be governed by her chin.* The worst of it is that after choosing a wife one is., apt to keep on being gov­ erned in the same way. SOMEBODY has discovered that the correct pronunciation of the word Khedive is "Kedowa." They might as well tell us that the proper way to pro­ nounce bee-hive is behowa. "You have been very faithful," said a merchant to his clerk, "and as a reward a pleasant little vacation is in store for you." There came a rush of business, and the clerk's vaoation turned out to be a vacation in 'store.--Burlington Free Press. THE.fat woman of a down-town mu­ seum recently married the "living skel­ eton" belonging to the same show. The youth of the Yonkers Statesman sententiously remarks that she proba­ bly went on the theory that "nearer the bone the sweeter the meat." SOME railroad employs a fawaU switch-tender. Those officials are ott the right track--women are ahead of anything as switch-tenders, as whea they are on duty the switch is never ofl» and then they are always posted on the proper time for trains, you, know. GKXT to waiter--"Bring me some grammatical and typographical errors. Waiter (looking puzzled at first, but recovering in a moment his usual seren­ ity) : "We are just out of them, sirf* "Then what do you mean by keepjjttg them on your bill of fare?" I'M snowy and blowy; J I'm freozy, breezy, sneezy and wbMayt . I'm mad, glad and sad; - \.£: I'm haxzardcos and blizzardons; I.m airy, hairy, flary and scary; - I'm clinging, ringing and IIIIIIMIIIMI I I'm howling, scowling pd grawlmn ,r Tm ch&ngy, rangy and mangy; •*'* lerrioie, ana arc ; * Jj-\ ^ I'm fearle-is, cueerles and roughs'*^ • I'm bad and my name is March, v ^ --Danville Advertiser i a CLARENCE FITZ-HEBBEBT sends us a beautiful poem beginning "I will wait for my love at Heavven's gate." We think you are about right, Clarence. People who write that find of poetry seldom get anv farther than the gate. You'll probably continue to wait there long after the rest of us have passed on inside unless you reform and quit writ* ing poetry and learn to spell Heaven with one v.--Burlington Hawkeye. SHE said: "For her part, she had no opinion of these new-fangled nice folks that are so dreadful particular about ' diet,' and can't eat nothing but vege­ tables and such flummery. She called 'em fools, as the Psalmist did." And when some one inquired tor the passage, she cited Psalms cvii. 17, 18, to wit: "Fools, because of their transgression and because of their iniquities, are afflicted; their soul abhorreth all man­ ner of meat."--CongregationalUst. "ARBESTED for carrying a pistol, was he?" asked a magistrate of an officer, referring to a gentleman who had just been arraigned. "Let's see the pistol." The weapon was produced, and handed to the Judge, who examined it, and asked--"Where did you get it?* "Bought it at a hardware store." "What did it cost?" "Fifteen dollars." "Fine implement. How'll you swop?" And the Judge drew outfti pistol, and handed it to the prisoner. "Take $10 to boot." "All rigfot. I'll fine you $10. That makes us even." • '.k 'MUWi" > "'•'A * ^ ̂ ^*4 •yy. m •«; : , •- i ; An Empress* Whims. ̂ ' The Empress Josephine had 600,OOO francs for her personal expenses, but this sum was not sufficient, and her debts increased to an appalling degree. Notwithstanding the position of her husband, she could never submit to either order or etiquette in her private life. She rose at 9 o'clock. Her toilet consumed much time, and she lavished unwearied efforts on the preservation and embellishment of her person. She changed her linen three times a day, and never wore any stockings that were not new. Huge baskets were brought to her containing different dresses, shawls and hats. From these she se­ lected her costume for the day. She possessed between 300 and 400 shawls, and always wore one in the morning, which she draped about her shoulders with unequaled grace. She purchased all that were brought to her, no matter at what price. The evening toilet was as Careful as that of the morning; then she appeared with flowers, pearls or precious stones in her hair. The small­ est assembly was always an occasion for her to order a new costume, in spite of the hoards of dresses in the various palaces. Bonaparte was irritated by these expenditures; he would fly into a passion, and his wife wo.ild weep and promise to be more prudent, after whioh she would go on in the same way. It is almost incredible that this passion for dress should never have ex­ hausted itself. After the divorce »h> arrayed herself with the same oare, even when she saw no one. She died covered with ribbons and pale rose- colored satin. THE fish-ladders erected on the Poto­ mac river, below Williamsburg, have proved a decided success, answering every purpose for which they were in* tended. Fish aooomplish the ascent of twenty-two feet in some aeoonds lest time than it take* a oork to descend.