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Aim BaallittW ILLINOIS. wed. Com* from the chnroh ear home besldt the in. ent' r the poroh: y*«U0--H fcomel Gille Machre* light of my heart! asisxss ̂sit down by met i' %!' . I T*»rs ere we may part, Or 4e*v« this homo, Gille Mactaroe. We Ma m&rtah; ear vast estates 8'^""- CoMMfiMtms cot baaide the «oa, And^ktat.few fishby tide or fa;e -We M» nek poor; no, no, my eweetl jr«*lNfclth untold I coin with tfeMt Oolafetttiot buy the glance 1 meet? v In thy shy eyes, Giile Machreet This hearth'« our own, my loyal vfttk, Oar fruitful vino, our own tie trot; Oor hearts are one: one peaceful llw^ One death, be oufs, Gilie Machrae. ' m-- s *., ••vi*:* w»-And, side by side shall oar two grave# V . Be sheltered by one willow tre«; And teeeees blow the scat ered leaves PWm thine to mine, Gille Machnto! i.'i ~.CUun M Mtgardune, in the < m-rant. A PARADOX. ' ! Vi K. - :v. Jft I recollect .how grieved I was £.Z% When Con* in Amy marrlrd. ittomckt her very croei bccin* » 4 i ̂ For roe she had not tarried, A:, f # I *? Cbegave to my affection green? , .Encouragement in pie ity, » - »or I wa» nuder oevent een 4' And she was five-and-twent v)}' ,'*• Pair Amy la * widow now, s - .IJ1*1 aorrow fast outgrowing, ^ Th very singular, I vow, "Hie way the years are going, • allegro rate; * Vv;*;' f - , * p • ^Vlfch me, at < . .j With her a graceful lente-- ytcivr I am nearing thirty-eight ; And the Is slx-and-twenty. {should be gratified to know ' How others, like my cousin, »«§.twelvemonth older only grov% .One year In a I alf a doz -n. "|i£ Ok, Chronos! tell tlie secret m%^, *S\ The power superhuman J£?1- That causes time with man to fait Bnt bids it wait with wonuuti' •' Sjf *T1E«PIIN6 THE :*#• BY STANLEY Ht^KTUEY. r$r&-,:*4k k I'M* iJv fe: <*, ;• Vf: • ' yim >y -My dear," said Mrs. Spoopendyke, ©ontemplafingherself in tlie glass as she removed her hat and gloves, "My dear, wai n't the theatre just too - eweet for anything I Do jon know, I think I would like to go on the stage?" "Like to drive, perhaps," suggested Mr. Spoopendyke. t̂«Maa act," replied his wife. "I thillk I ooald do it as well as any of thofo women to-night. Do yon know mueh about theatres? Is it hard?" •T *No," granted Mr. Spoopendyke, tagging at his boots. "It would be |;:*wryeasy for yon. All you have to do |Uil to stand around and'talk, and you %on't want any rehearsals for that." ^ "But I would have to practice twist- i&g around so as to fall in that man's arms like she did," musei Mrs. Spoop- endyke. "I don't think I eonld do it as fraoefolly as she did without trying aeveral times." _ "That's the part you want to play, is H?" growled Mr. Spoopendyke, witii a •hade of green in his eye. "You let Meaee yon fall on any man's shoulder like that. and you'll find no trouble in twisted around a few times, your idea in going on the stage ? a stoinach full of devo­ id art like the rest of the dod this generation ? Got t you can go on the the old atagers how e? _ Feel the fires of climbing up your 'ell, yon don't! 'it's measley vanity. You (̂ up high somewhere and be ' *3Dkm't Ton think I woald know how m «el f she asked, paLling her crimps •••* IMT ierehead, MWliiring a stern ex- jMMaoa of visage, and stretching her 0m down rigidly by her aides. "This % the waj I won Id foil the villain." Ihtt what you call it?" inquired lb- Spoopendyke, nursing his knee WWi glpwaring upon her. "It looks Ska Wtte bidding against Mrwoimaifor a seoondhand hair «ola «taa auction. If that sort It ettoilated to foil the villain, he pretty light in the waist." FLOAT MOW," smiled Mrs. Spoop- Tubing her chin. "In all the M> I: have ever seen, they always ori*a ttje bad man off with a haughty look.,. Bay,dear, icnt thia the way to WWWM a husband after a long ab- wmmF and she parted her lips, gazed •agtrly into spaee, and extended her >t's the way to hail a street-car!" Mr. Spoopendyke. "If you Jtake the welcome of thehus- IMMI perfectly natural, you ought to have a smell of onions in the hall and your'back hair in your mouth. That's the jtind of a welcome I always get." •Jfajrou don't, either!" protested mz**- «poopendyke. "I always run right up to you, and kiss you!" "Well, there's a smell of onions about it somewhere." persisted Mr. Spoopen- dyke. "What makes you stick jour •rma oat like andirons ?" he demanded. You lobk as if yon were trying to keep offadog!" "Anvhow, that's the way they do it," •fPw Mri. Bpoopendyke, a trifle MMU&ed. "Then, when they get the eirs telling them that their uncjle speculated away all their property, •**" do like this," and Mrs. Spoopen- threw her hand to her forehead, gfired back, and caught hold of a "Which does like that, the uncle or property?" asked Mr. Bpoopen- te, eyeing the petformance with high favcar. "It looks something like the pwtjf Mtthe tail end of the specula- it but it resembles more accurately nncle buying a lower berth for . *£ meant it for the orphan who had ~'~~i despoiled," murmured Mrs. >pendyke, straightening up and i»g rather downcast "It was ided for an attitude of dispair. would you do it, this way?" and i Sank into the chair, covered her •with her hands, and sobbed vio- f I wanted to give the impression tight boot and corn, I should do it that way," growled Mr. Spoopen- uld I throw my arms foreward and let my head fall so?" she suiting the gesture to the • more like it," assented Mr. ke with a grin. "People •een the play before might Were counting the pieces for woman, but the orchestra it." 4U*," remonstrated Mrs. M;"I knew I could act if J nee. Now see me scorn I find out that he loves paying his ad- and she threw out one arm, Urn with a pale cast of r tvi * ' ' do, ' It looig^ Kip ' 'raul1 aft attempt to' bewow ' iSLCtfe Stio¥ ont the otW hand and make it $5.30. X don t know, though," ho continued, 'both arma would look like 'bring me me ohe*Hdl" X guess you'd better stick to the original amount You'll be more apt to collect."* "Perhaps you think I'd do better in comedy," faltered Mra Spoopendyke, her spirits dashed by adverse criticism. "Now we will aappose that I am the cook who boiled the watermelon, and yon, as the master of the house, ore enraged with me. How will this do for the cook's attitnde of bewilderment and penitence?" She struck a comical attitude and gaz^d at him aghast "Don't! don't! exclaimed Mr. Spoop­ endyke, burying his face in his hands and pretending to be overcome with emotion. "It is beautiful, but it re­ minds me so much of mother's death! Please let up! I can't- bear it!" and Mr. Spoopendyke sobbed aloud. "I didn't intend it that way. dear," sighed Mrs. Spoopendyke, embracing him tenderly." "Forgive me, but X thought I was acting funny." "That's all right," snorted Mr. Spoopendyke, recovering himself with a jerk. "But the next time you act comedy, leave out the draughts and the chances for a cold in the head. You take about acting! You don't know any more about it than a pig knows about the contribution box. Look here, now; I'll jnst give you one passage and let that be the end of the whole business." Mr. Spoopendyke arose, thrust one hand in the breast of his coat, set his teeth tight and growled. Then he rolled his eyes around and roared, "Aha!" Advancing one foot with the stamp of an e'eplant, he swung his arm around and--crash! The mantle orna­ ments lay in a profosed heap on the floor. "Oh dear!" murmured Mrs. Spoop­ endyke, trembling from head to foot. "Got enough!" demanded Mr. Spoop­ endyke, surveying the wreck with dis­ tended eyes. "Want the rest of this scene, or will you have the play with­ drawn on account of sickness in the family ? Want to act some more, don't ye?" he howled, his gorge rising. "Got some kind of a notion fastened to your head with hairpins that tho whole dra­ matic business depends upon you, and that you only want a wig and a curtain to be a whole dod gasted theater with speculators out in front and a bar next door. Oh, go right on and act!" he yelled, and then striking a high falsetto, lie squeaked, "Henrico, me own Hen­ rico--ah!--pardon these tears. Oh, God! How can I tell him! Conceal­ ment is useless! Henrico!--ah!--me own Henrico ! The carriage waits," and Mr. Spoopendyke fell over backwards on the bed and fired his feet up in the air. On with the dance!" he roared, springing to a perpendicular again. "Bring on the ballet?" and spinning around like a top in the excitement of his wrath, he lost his balance, came down hard on the smashed china, and then went speechless to his conch "I don't care," murmured Mrs. Spoopendyke, brushing away the de­ bris so she could safely sit on the floor to take off her shoes. "I think I could act as well as most of them, though, of course, I couldn't play the villain parts as well a < he can, and I don't think I should mash as many things. When he gives me another lesson, I think I'll take him out in the field where he can't break anything but his back." And with this thrifty resolution, Mrs. Spoopendyke fell upon a microscopic hole in the heel of her sock, and lost sight of the stage in the interest the abrasion excited.--Drake's Traveler's Magazine. Mrs. Adam's Good Lnck. A lady writer furnishes some of the reasons why Eve dii net keep a hired girl. She says there has been a great deal said about the faults of women and why they need so much waiting on. Some one (a man of course) has the presumption to ask why, when Eve was manufactured out of a spare rib, a ser­ vant was not made at the same time to wait on her. She didn't need any. A bright writer has said: Adam never came whining to Eve with a ragged stocking to be darned, buttons to be sewed on, gloves to be mended "right away--quick, now." He never read the newspapers till the sun went down be­ hind the palm trees and then, stretch­ ing himself, yawned out: "Is supper ready yet, my dear?" Not he. He made the fire and hung the kettle over it himself, we'll venture, and pulled the radishes, peeled the potatoes, and did everything else he ought to do. He milked the cows and fed the chickens, and looked after the pigs himself, and never brought home half a dozen friends to dinner when Eve hadn't any fresh pomegranates. He never stayed out till 11 oclock at night, and then scolded because Eve was sitting up and crying inside the gates. He never called Eve up from the cellar to put away his slip­ pers. Not he. When he took them off he put them under the fig tree be­ side his Sunday boots. In short, he did not think that she was especially created for the purpose of waiting upon him, and he wasn't under the impres­ sion that it disgraced a man to lighten a wife's oares a little. That's the rea­ son Eve did not need a hired girl, and with it is the reason that many of her descendants da--Exchange. A Remarkable Recovery. One of the most remarkable recover­ ies from awful injury that is on record was that of Mr. D. J. Starbuck, then of this city, who, was" freight conductor on the Davenport & Brooklyn division of the Chicago, Rock Island & Pacific. He went down with a bridge in his ca­ boose in Iowa City, and nearly the whole of the left side of his head was crushed in. Dr. Peck removed the broken pieces of skull, trimmed the jagged edges of what remained even, and left an exposure of the brain in a sp-ce three and a half by four inches in extent, and then the skin was in­ duced to form over the opening and a silver plate was made to cover and pro-" tect the thin membrane. Mr. Starbuck regained his health fully, but he had to be very careful with the left side of his head, as an accident to the film which covered his brain would have been dis­ astrous. All this occurred some four­ teen years ago, and after three or four years residence here and in Mcs ow, Mr. Starbuck went away, no one knew whither. Now it turns out that he is in Boston, alive, well, and .prospering, and a curiosity to the medical profee* •ion.--Davenport (Iowa) Democrat. It Covers a Great Deal of Ground. Bev. Newm&n Hall has attained ap­ proximate idea of the size of this coun­ try. He said in conversation, while on theSagnenay: f I had no idea of the enormous extent of the country, until, after traveling westward 1,000 miles at least, I came to St Louis, when I was dumbfounded on being asked if I in- | tended to 'go wf*'|WjE$Mton OUH* j^oaad Innlde fhj\ , « SfKi '"fc. ^ » I* y r \Z The history of tke gems in the East is the history of Ihe governiog Princes, for so often has the eourse of history in the Orient been aiSpoted by intrigues about precious stones that they assume a state importance. The traditional diamond in the East is the Great Mogul. The original weight of this stone was 787 carats, but by cutting it wai re­ duced to 2U7 carats. The stone disap­ peared at the last Tartar invasion, when treasures to the value of $350,- 000,000 were captured by the Nadir Shah. It is believed to be at present hidden away in some obscure fortress in Asia Minor, and it may be recovered at some future time. % Some idea of the abundance of pre­ cious stones in the East may be gained from the fact that when Mahmoud, in the eleventh century, captured Suninat, an idol statue was broken open and found to contain three bushels of dia­ monds, rubies, and emeralds. Ala-ud- deen obtained from the Bajah of Mah- rattas fifty pounds of diamonds and rubies, ancl;175 pounds of pearls. Shah «J ehan, the greatest of the Mogul sov­ ereigns, left a treasure of incalculable value at his death, a throne valued at $30,000,000, and a crown worth $12,- 000,000. The throne was the cele­ brated peacock throne, so called from the images of two peacocks which stood before it, each made of precious stones so matched in color and in position as to resemble the natural colors of the bird. The throne was six feet long and four feet wide, of solid gold and cruBt- ed with diamonds, rubies, and emer­ alds. Steps of silver led up to it, while a canopy of gold fringed with pearls, supported by twelve pillars emblazoned with gems, surmounted tho whole. On each side was a sacred umbrella made of velvet, embroidered with pearls, the handle being of solid gold inlaid with diamonds. It was the most costly work of art ever made. Ita only rival was the cerulean throne of the house of Bahmenee in the Ni9am. This was built in the seventeenth century, was nine feet long by three feet wide, was made of ebony covered with plates of gold crusted with gems, and was valued at $20,000,000. A late traveler in the East, Mr. Eastwick, has recently given a graphic account of the magnificence of the Persian Crown jewels. In the jewel room he found treasures valued at $35,- 000,000, among them the crown, a mass of diamonds surmounted by a ruby as big as a hen's egg. The King's belt is a wonder of barbaric magnificence, weighing about twenty pounds, and composed of a solid mass of diamonds, rubies, and emeralds. As Persia is the native land of the turquois, it is But natural that the finest stones of this description is to be found in its collec­ tion. This royal specimen is four inches long, perfect in color, and with­ out a flaw. When the Shah was in Eu­ rope, some years ago, he wore a variety of diamonds and other precious stones that kept the detectives in a constant fever of fear lest he should be robbed of some of them, for one, even of tho smallest, would have been a fortune for a half dozen thieves. The buttons of his eeat were five in number, and each button was a diamond larger than the Kohinoor, while every part of his cloth­ ing seemed to be useful, not as a cover­ ing for his body, but as places to hang diamonds on.--Augustus Hamiin, in uLeisure Hours Among the Gems." What l)o tlie Chinese Eat! When I was at Lake Viow in August last, at the New England Assembly, and having a "real nice time" telling the children about China in the head­ quarters of the C. Y. F. R. U., one day 1 was accosted by a bright little girl who wished to "know what people ate in China, and whether those dreadful stories about eating rats were true." I answered as well as a few words would serve me, but did not satisfy the curiosity of the eager inquirer. Later I devoted a half hour to talking about the "Daily Food of the Chinese" to some forty boys and girls, and here I repeat the matter for the sake of others curious to learn the truth--trusting a little natural indignation and plain speaking may be excused me. Americans are fond of wonderful stories. Nothing pleases them more than to hear something revolting or strange about other people. Nations and races who resemble themselves are not worth attention. Hence travelers --knowing fellows, ail of them--possi­ bly find it profitable to startle them with accounts as marvelous as they are false. Not that these accounts are al­ ways wholly untrue, but that solitary instances and occurrences are magni­ fied to represent habits and customs of a whole people. Belonging to this class of accounts are those relative to the use as food in China of certain ani­ mals. I find that Americans believe that dog soup, cat fricassee, and rat a la mode are dishes to be found daily on every table in the Empire. The fact is that there are some peculiar peo­ ple in China as elsewhere, . credulous, superstitious, and some of those believe that the fle3h of those animals I have mentioned possess medical properties. For instance, some silly women believe that the flesh of rats restores the hair. Some believe that dog-meat and also cat-meat renews the blood, and quacks often prescribe it. Then it is also that there are very poor people who have no money to buy proper food, and there­ fore subsist on what they can get, rath­ er than starve. But I have lived fif­ teen years of my life in China, and have had experience at public ban­ quets, social dinners, and ordinary meals, and in company with all classes of people; but I have never seen cat, dog, or rats in any form whatever. "What, then, do the Chinese eat?" Our gardens are prodigal with vegeta­ bles^ our ponds, rivers, and lakes B warm with, figh; our farm-yards are crowded with pigs, land fowls, ducks, and geese; our fields are gilded three times a year with ripen ng rice. In Bome sections of the Empire wheat and barley are produced; but rice is our usual substitute for bread. These ar­ ticles make up the every-day food of the people. But there are certain things unknown to our young people that are considered great delicacies by everybody, one of which I have told you about already--edible bird's-nests. Another is sharks' fins. The Chinese keep very few cows, and it is true that beef is not esteemed as good as pork, and that many will not eat beef on ac­ count of religious scruples. Milk, but­ ter, and cheese are almost unknown ar­ ticles of diet. The Chinese think it is robbing the calves to take the ™ilk from the cows.--The Wide Awake. Some Views on Flirtation and Platonic l<ore. If a fellow felt quite sure that he would be declined when he proposed, what a lot of innocent fun we might have. But that is not the nature of things. But between the danger of being grabbedup and tht danger of '.T'*."1 .-V' :l' •*i!' 4 . . . ' / M . * , . x J j ' i J . . * . V - , C - . ' . . 1 / t . t i . . * : . I of dom, and: We got al< with other fe n* X WNI • laid down a Flirtation, free* p were tho mottoes, swimmingly. She flirted lows, and I--well--I was supposed to be free to flirt with other girls. I never kicked, but she objected to my paving somebody elso attention, and--well--I had to give in. Having thoroughly conquered me, she went ofl and married somebody else, and every­ body condoled with me on getting left. I make no more oompacts. Then there's that confounded ar­ rangement known as platonio love. Platonic love is a relation in which both parties are on the defensive. It is a condition intermediary between happi­ ness and misery. When you are pla- tonically related to a girl you are in a constant worry in case she is in love with somebody else, while you hope to goodness she is not so far gone on you as to expeot you to marry her. The plantonio relation is one created to minister to the emotional, as distinct from the matrimonial wants of human nature. It satisfies the craving all men and women have to hag one another without responsibility and without prejudica It is eternally selfish. It really allows nothing to the other party. It serves to fill up the gaps between the fits of grand passion. Of course, I know that people who believe in pla- tonic love will say it is nothing of the kind; that it is based on liking and respect, and all sorts of pure things. All the same, if you will excuse ine, I and not going to confide my future hap­ piness to a young lady who has a pla- tonic affection for any other young man. There is nothing in which theory and practice are so widely different as platoniu love. I know it--"Under- xlone," in San Francisco Chronicle. Diplomatic Secretary Fish* Governor Hamilton Fish was noted for his deportment, and he took great pride in sending to the courts of Eu­ rope in a diplomatic capacity gentlemen whose dress and manners would not excite comment. He was much con­ cerned, however, when it became his dnty to commission Howard Maynard, of Tennessee, as minister to Turkey, and Godlove S. Orth, of Indiana, as minister to Austria. Neither one was remarkable for his observance of so­ cial proprieties, and it was some time before Governor Fish could devise a plan for giving them a lesson in dress. At last, _ so the story goes, an idea struck him, and sending for Orth he said something like this to the Indiana state.smon. "Mr. Orth. I have a favor to ask yon." Anything I can do for you, Mr. Sec­ retary, I'll be glad to." "Thank you, Mr. Orth, thank you sir, you are very good. Mr. Maynard. you know, is an excellent gentleman, but he is not accustomed to the ways of society as you and I are," and the Secretary smiled plea&antly at the guileless Orth, who had on a sky-blue necktie and unblackened boots. After having clinched his point he continued: "I am afraid he will invent some start­ ling innovation on the costume unusual among gentlemen when they are out in society. He may startle the foreign courts with a red necktie and a sack coat, and now what I want to ask you, Mr. Orth, is to give him a hint, as you are both going over on the Bame steam­ er, about what you or I should wear on sooial occasions--the dress coat, black trousers and waistcoat, and the simple white tie. You will know pre­ cisely how to do it, and you will oblige me greatly by attending to this as you, as a member of politesooiety, know." The hint was taken, and Mr. Orth was noted among the diplomatists at Vienna for his faultless attire. Mr. Maynard, with his long black hair and Indian features, was not BO apt a schol­ ar.--Ben: Perley Poore. How Theophilus Parsons Died. Theophilus Parsons, the most emin­ ent of all the chief-justices of Massa­ chusetts, died in 1813 under circum­ stances so peculiar as to cause sharp c o m m e n t s i n t h e c o m m u n i t y a n d d i f ­ ferences of opinion among the doctors. He had been suffering from a general increasing debility, when he began to be troubled by an irritating humor. This increased until it spread round his whole body. This irritation was violent and constant, accompanied by some fever. It harassed him the more because it was a new thing, as he never before had the slightest eruption. He could not eat nor sleep, and was wear­ ied, and then ill and kept his chamber. Dr. Band, his physician, whose pre­ scriptions thus far had given no relief, said one day: "There is a remedy, if you like to try it, which is sometimes ex­ tremely efficacious." "What is it?" "Water, almost scalding. Take a bath of water just as hot as you can possibly bear it, and lie there as long as you can. I have known it to cure skin diseases al­ most at once." The chief-justice was ready to try anything. His son, who put him into the bath, said afterward that it was so hot he himself could not bear his hand in it, and he begged his father to have it cooler. But no, he got in, although shrinking and evident­ ly suffering extremely. He staid there an hour, and then returned to his bed.1 The humor appeared to dry up almost a t o n c e , a n d i n a d a y o r t w o w a s a l l gone, and in three weeks the eminent magistrate was dead.--Boston Everi( Other Saturday. Crossing the Pasture. Mr. 3. A. S. Monk's etching, "Cross­ ing the Pasture," which is given to all subscribers to the Magazine of Art for 1885, is as tempting a bait as a publish­ er ever held out to an art-loving public. Mr. Monks' water-color drawing, from which he made this etching, was re­ cently exhibited in the National Acad­ emy of Design, where it attracted a grot deal of attention and praise. In the etching the effect of color is wonder­ fully well given, and to a certain ex­ tent the work of the needle is more pleasing than that of the brush. The feeling of twilight is caught with more success in the etching, and the peculiar quality of the cheep's wool is shown with great fidelity. There is a great deal of charming sentiment in this pic­ ture, which, when appropriately framed, will be an attraotion to any wall, or in a portfolio, will honor any collection. --Casselt & Company, New York. THE area of the British Empire is es­ timated at tea millions of square miles, or one-fifth of the habitable globe,with a coast line of 28,500 miles The pop­ ulation in the countries directly or in­ directly under British control was com­ puted at 315,000,000, of all religions and nationalities. Miss KATE FIKLD definitely declares that women primarily dress to please themaelves, and the additional adorn ment is sometime* pat on for >.:• miratk|h> Mi- and hsr rich, but sadly was intoaaly prood of her.; Alas, that dtd not always this pride. No doubted* thing, bnt it very often ed to be ashamed of their leas fortunate parents' gaucheriea Miranda had fre­ quent reasons to blush at her parents' --oandor of expression--let us eallit It was a custom, in the good old times--* custom more honored in the breach than the observance, aa all lov­ ers of tender age will agree--for the young fellow who went sparking to set up" and talk with the old folks for awhile, and then, at a certain hour.' sheepishly retire to the parlor at the beck of his blushing inamorata. Father Gray was a true blue of the old school, who liked to see "what kind of a chap war a sparkin' his darter Mi- randy." So every night I visited Mi­ randa I had to run the gauntlet of at least two hours' talk with the old man. The talk was neither instructive, amus­ ing, nor elevating. There is no doubt spavins, hogs, manures, and pumpkins are engrossing subjects to some, but scarcely to a lover burning with* impa­ tience to hug a blushing expectant maiden to his palpitating Chinese- laundried bosom for all he is worth. And then when things are spoken of in a matter-of-fact way, which before school may have seemed perfectly right and natural, but which Yassar and Yale have taught them should be like Hades, never mentioned to ears polite, it be­ comes sometimes extremely embarrass­ ing. For instance, Farmer Gray,- like the ignorant boor that he was, could never be brought by Miranda to speak of the tumor on the animal's limb, but per­ sisted in talking vulgarly of a spavin on the mare's leg. Then when Miran­ da would begiil to expatiate on the lovely appendix of the pea-fowl, the coarse old man would try to be witty, and ask, if "that air last war a new kind of bird." He could never see how much more genteel and proper it was to speak of incubating eggs than hatching, and thought manure just as good a word as fertilizer. And so it went I remember once, it was about the time our riflemen went over to En­ gland, and kicked the spots out of the British, that Miranda was entertaining me with a sweet account of how much oftener our men had been able to shoot into the eyes of the gentleman cow than the English, whih the old man broke in with one of his reminiscences. "I don't call that air shootiu much 'count. I remember onct--old Muley had just come in with her fust calf--I saw a chap, one of them Injin doctors that could hit the bull's eye every time (* he tuk aim. Ha! Ha! Ha! That war the same chap that old Towser got ar- ter onct, and tuk away the whole seat of his pants, so 't^he hed to skip through the town holdin' on his coat-tails. It war a terrible windy day, an' I tell ye it war a sight." The old man was constantly making just such sad breaks as this into our re­ fined and cultured conversation. On such occasions Miranda blushed rosy, I ditto. Neither of us wanted to catch the other's eye, but both wanted to see how it affected the other, and our ef­ forts to look one way and seem to look the other, made the scene more ridicu­ lous than ever. And all the time the old fool would sit there as unconcerned as a graven image, with the placidly supe­ rior expression on his face of one who thia)c« hjt has, something smart, and"tukdown that Mr eddicated feller a peg." • I appeal to any intelligent man, wo­ man, or ohild if forbearance under sueh circumstances would not cease to be a virtue. If it had only happened once there would have been no growling, but when it occurred every time, it be- oame unbearable. Miranda was just aa sweet as she could be, and I loved her with whole, unbleached, full-width, 18-karat affec­ tion, but, really, I could not go her father. So ended our love. Died of father-in-law. ^ Miranda--peace to her ashes--is now the fat, freckled mother of three can­ didates for the penitentiary, and I am still on the lookout for a pretty girl with a pair of deaf and dumb parents. Shouldn't care if tho girl was dumb too.---Feck's Sun. act,| whit tjjiMMi] Foreign Maid SeniaL Almost every American well-to-do family that travels abroad returns with one or more foreign servants. Maid servants are most in favor, for Ameri­ can ladies find it difficult in this coun­ try to secure young women who are willing to wait on them, dress their hair and perform other personal services. American girls who "live out" have not the submis8iveness of the foreign- trained body servants. They resent any appearance of authority, nor are they as well-trained as foreign servants in those personal attentions that add to the comfort of a woman's life. Then it is often an advantage to have a girl in a family who can speak French or Ger­ man, as they help in educating the chil­ dren into the mysteries of foreign lan­ guages. Many men servants are also brought over, but they do not stay with their employers for so long a time as do the maids and governesses hired abroad. The latter find it mere difficult to change their employments, and girls at service do not marry so readily as young women who receive their compa­ ny at home or who work in shops. Do­ mestic service in these modern times is disorganized, because ministering to the wants of another humau being is regarded as menial and degrading. It should not be so considered. Adding to the comfort and ministering to the necessities of others should be looked upon as the most laudable of occupa­ tions. It has been so deemed in all the best ages of the world. The squire and the page in the Middle Ages did every­ thing for the personal comfort of the knight they serve. To wait on a kingly or noble person was a mark of honor. ^Fidelity to any other person than one­ self is among the chiefest and most use­ ful virtues; but reverence and respect for others is dying out in America, and so our servants are drawn in great part from classes trained in European ways of thinking.--Demorest's Monthly. Chestnut Harvesting in China. "Water chestnuts," too (eaten by the old lake-dwellers in Switzerland), are largely grown. Every canal is full of floating islands .of them; and the gath­ ering must look like that picture in this year's Grosvenor of "Athelney in Flood," where young and old are going about after the apples in boats. In­ stead of boats, put tubs, each pushed with bamboo poles by a yellow man or woman, and paint two or three upsets, for John Chinaman is full of fun, and those who have sefn a water-chestnut harvesting say that everybody is on tho broad grin, and accepts a ducking with the same good humor with which M gives one.--All the Year RoundL> „ • I 1*» and third, February, J864, all between 17 and 50, not JOpfnt* by law. The following classes w#» exempted from the acts: Ministen* superintendents of deaf, dumb, and blind and insane asylums; one editor on^eachnew«p»per and such employes as he might swear to be indispensable; the Confedeiate and State public printers, and the jour­ neymen printers neoessary lo perform the public printing; one apothecary to to each drug store who had been doing such business continuously not less than two years; physicians over 30 years of age of seven years* practice, not including dentists; presidents and teachers of colleges, academies, and schools having not less than thirty pu­ pils; superintendents of public hos­ pitals established bylaw, and such physicians and nurses as might be in­ dispensable for their efficient manage­ ment. Also, one agriculturist on each' farm where there was no white male adult not liable to duty, employing fifteen able-bodied slaves, between 16 and 60 years of age, upon the condition that as price of his exemption such per­ son should donate to the government within twelve months, 100 pounds of pork and 100 pounds of beef for each able-bodied slave employed on his farm at commissioner's rates, and bind him­ self to sell all surplus provisions of his farm to the government at commission­ er's rates. Officers and employes of railroad companies, not exceeding one to each mile of road, were also ex­ empted, and were mail contractors and carriers. October 4, 1862, the twenty- negro exemption act was passed, which excused from military duty one person to each plantation employing twenty negroes, and also on two or more plan­ tations within le3s than five miles of each other and employing less than twenty negroes, one person who must be the oldest of the owners and over­ seers on the several plantations, pro­ vided that in neither case could the place be filled by a white male adult otherwise exempt The law, however, was the cause of much dissatisfaction, and was repealed at the next session of Congress, and the clause previously quoted was substituted. It has been asserted that large planters divided up their estates into small portions, assign­ ing to each fifteen negroes or so, that they might under this law retain all their sons at home, and this may have been done in some instances, but there is no evidence that the practice was general. Indeed there is much evi­ dence to the contrary, showing that so intense was the war feeling in the South that attempted evasion of mili­ tary duty by the leading classes was an unusual thing.--Inter Ocean. ; Wonders of Astronomical Inventions. Astronomers formerly knew nothing of the constituent elements of the heav­ enly bodies. Had La Grange been told of the wonderfnl achievements of the times later than his own, he would have pronounced them impossible. Think of Herschel, as he sat through those wintry nights, with the faithful Caroline at his side, recording the re­ sults of his observations. How little could he have dreamed that the actual gases of the far awav planets which he was studying would one day be presented for analysis. The "Origin of Species" was presented to the world in 1859, and it was soon after that a gigantic stride was made in astronomical science in the series of apectroscopic discoveries. Tycho's crude machine did noble work. It was not a telescope at all, but the suggestion of what was to come. The inventor of this crudity so stimulated his scholars that much was accom­ plished, and one of them became such an enthusiast that he could not be di­ verted from his dose observation of a star by the alarming tidings that his house was on fire. "I will come to the house as soon as this more important matter is determined." Reflecting tel­ escopes are much larger than refract­ ing telescopes, because it is difficult to get glass which is pure enough for the making of large object glasses. The earliest of the clossal instruments ever turned upon the heavens was Herschel's monster 40-foot reflector. A reflecting telescope is a great funnel catching all the rays of light in its compass, and concentrating ihem into one ray small enough to enter the pupil of the eye. This telescope was ereoted in the clear atmosphere of the Island of Malta. The wonderful reflectors of Lord Rosse had a mirror six feet in diameter, with a tube 60 feet long. When the telescope was in a horizontal position, a man could walk inside from one end to the other. The mirror in a reflecting, tel­ escope is metallic, being composed of two parts copper to one of tin. But the greater part of the work of astrono­ mers is performed by smaller and re­ fracting instruments. The "meridian circle" is the most practical of the tel­ escopes in the great work of science. By the use of these instruments, a foundation is laid for mathematical researches of the most exalted charac­ ter. Practical astronomy is thus brought into immediate contact, with the affairs of daily life. In most large cities, there are astronomical observa­ tories, and these are generally con­ nected, by electricity, with the clocks of the city. Uniform time is thus se­ cured.--Prof. Ball's Boston Lectures. A Lying Crowd. "Where were you when the first shot was fired ?" asked an Austin law­ yer of a female witness in a shooting scrape. "I was lying down on the sofa" "And where was your husband?" "He was lying down on the back gal­ lery." "And where were your children ?n "They were all lying on tho bed fast asleep.'* "Any other members, of your family lying down?" "Not that I know of, but if my tooth­ er had been there he would have been lying down in the court house. He is a lawyer like you."--Texas Sif tings. Green Lawyer, Dry Client. A prominet lawyer now practicing in this city tells the following: "An old darkey was under indictment for some trival offense and was without counsel. The Judge appointed me to defend him. I was young and very fresh at the time, and it was my first case in court. As I went forward to consult with my client he turned to the Judge and said: "Yo' Honah, am dis de law­ yer what am depointed to offend me ?" •Yes,' was the reply. 'Well,' said the old darky, Hake him away, Jedge; I ^pleads guilty.' "--New York World. "I HAVE seen the world," says a saga­ cious writer, "and after long expe­ rience have discovered that ennui is our greatest enemy, remunerative labor crur mosc lasting friand." .."Trl . , " ».? .. J KOTA bene-A A GOOD thing to «il-H^|pmief. § ' Anew way to pay '<ld^«bto-^ijr- them. IT requires two fools to make a suc- ••wful nfwapaper paragraph--one to write and the other to laugh at Carl PreteeCs Weekly. , Hfc--My dear, we must diacharge the coachman. She--But we bayonet any daughter. He--Not yet bnt %4pnay have, and I'm not going to take any risk.--Progress. "How DOES the milk gat into the oo- coanut?" asks a subscriber. It dbes not get in at all. The ooeoanut grows around the milk. Ask us a hard one.-- Burlington Hawkeye. A VERMONT man thinks he has at last found the location of the Garden of Eden. It is in the Manitou Michigan, which are without saloon, doctor, or lawyer.--Burlington Dree Press. THE law can never make a hon­ est. But sometimes, however, it makes him deucedly uncomfortable when he is dishonest and gets caught in his thieving practices.--Carl PretzeVs Weekly. "How ARK you coming out in your parish ?" asked an Episcopal Bishop of one of his rectors. Tile rector who was a speculator in cotton before he became converted, lifted up his eyes and said: "I am long on slippers and book marks, but rather short on suspendets.*^ Texas Siftings. > \ WOMANCE AHD WLTUTI. raised his eye to heavan, : f „VA Bald be: "What cea ldo ! " , - f To prove true to yon | , ^ That 1'llbetwen , * 1 jferever, dear, with tihodaf" ' 1 She raised her eyes to his'n. ,. ? "Well, let me Fee, "saidshe,I ^ You're very keind, . If you don't melnd, : ; •, -z<*.A gU8S °'lem0n soda/' " ' -i • DURING the Franco-Cftl^es© 1860 there appeared a cartoon repre* senting a number of Chinese soldiers arranged in single file, each bestowing a kick on the man in front Appended were these words: "The Emperor of China establishing a line of coinmuni- cation which enables him to testify to his generals his august displeasure."-- Charivari. AT a wine party of young men at one of the colleges, notes of apology were handed in from two of the proposed guests, who were unable to attend, owing to the death of their father. A young gentleman, heir to a considera­ ble property, who had been partaking freely of the hospitalities of the festive board, suddenly burst into tears. "Was this dear old gentleman a friend of yours?" asked the sympathetic host "No. no, it's not that," sobbed the' guest; "only--I was just thinking-- everybody's father dies but mine!" A ROXBURY lady recently employed a washerwoman who came well recom­ mended, and who sooa made herself very agreeable. Mrs. S 's front name is Annie, while the washerwoman bears the name of Sarah. Monday Sarah reported for work, and during , the forenoon Mrs. S.,r who happened to be in the kitchen, said: "I guess I shall have to call you Sarah hereafter, Mrs. M., it is so much shorter." "All right, mam, do, and I may call you Annie. It come natural. I used to work with an Annie years ago." Tab­ leau.--Roxbury Advocate. THERE are losses which people suffer unconsciously, like that sustained bjf the geologist who hired a Scoteh gillie to carry his bag of speoimens across the mountains. "It was a heavy load, and juat nothing but atone," said Don­ ald relating his experience to a friend, "and X was not fool enough to drag the pebblea a guid ten milea. I just empt­ ied the bag before I started, and filled it at the cairn I last came to, aud the gentleman was just a3 pleased." The unlucky geologist was doubtless pus- xled by the contents of the bag when he came to examine it later. "DOES the man rush ?" "Yes, he is a rusher." "Why does he hurry along the street in that fashion ? Perhaps his house is afire." "Perhaps he never • had one. That man is a lawyer, who probablv makes $10 a week. When he leaves his office he puts up a sign: 'Back in three minutes; please wait!'" "But why does he rush!" "To make people think he is carrying the Su­ preme Court under his hat" "Wouldn't some of his creditors tackle him on the street if he didn't put on so much steam?" "K'rect. my boy! You might guess a thousand times and not hit the nail any closer!"--Detroit Jtypp' Press. AN AWFUL WABKIMO. 4 Though little William often heard. ^'^.4 He would not heed his mother's wflpjf. ' ' And seemed to think it no disgrace' " * ' To have snob dirty hands and faoe; In vain his mother's stern crmmauds-- He would not wash his face and '"nAft -.n And oft hlB mother wept to see " Her William could so dirty be. One bright and genial autumn day, As little William was at play, ^ A garbage wagun came that way. ; An awful man, with hoe and spade/ • ? Scraped np poor William where he phy«l "I am a boy," poor William tried-- "Oh, n->. you're not," th" man replied, , . "You are a mass of dirt and mud"-- v , So, with a (lull and sickening thud into the cart he dumped the child, -••• Despite his protestations wild; ^ ' And William's ditty hands iind fac^feyMi t'! Were never after a disgrace To William's home and friends, I wwa For William never more was seen I The Iron Currency ef Lycnrgus. First he stopped the currenoy of the gold and silver coin, and ordered that they should make use of iron money only; then to a great quantity of weight of this ho assigned but a very small value; so that to lay up ten minaa (about $16) a whole room was required, and to remove it nothing less than a yoke of oxen. When this became cur­ rent many kinds of injustice ceased in Lacedivmon. Who would steal or take a bribe, who would defraud or rob when he could not conceal the bcoty-- when he could neither be dignified bj the poaaession of it, nor, if out in pieces, be served by its use ? For we are told that, when hot, they quenched it in vin­ egar to make it brittle and nnmnllne- ble, and consequently unfit for other use.--Plutarch's Lives. WHEN Prof. Nordenskjold was in Japui. after he had made the northeait passage, his attention was drawn to the very rich literature of that country prior to European influence. He de­ cided to collect and take home a Japa­ nese library. He bought between 4,000 and 5,000 volumes, which are now in the Royal Library at Stockholm. M. Leon de Rosny, professor at the School of Oriental Languages in Paris, just catalogued the Nordenskjold col­ lection, which he says contains nearly all the works of any prominence, and furnishes complete materiala for the study of Japanese literature and culture. '4 C. R. TALMAGE, of Savannah, has in­ vented a machine that he is confident will navigate the air without any diffi­ culty. He calls it a steam bird. ;<r LABOR to keop alive in your breast* that little apark of clestial fire called oonaoie&oe.--0eof06 Washington, 5 ;-r "5% t Jtsmiyi i«." V .i'-iL 4r •