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M VW1T CKOOLT. ) \ okl dor aoit eimudect, bab­ bles* tay, Vbich m i t t er cake eshgape avay AB der oder tay* f r o m , v h i c h der year pring roundt, Vw der tay vhen I meinseluf Lay me in oggu- T<ftCr bation on der ry^C' shelxif, 1 * Una mein shdebs direct against dot b i e-n i c ^ croundt. Meiiifipluf mit aliiidren and mit vife (Vhich vas ein plessincs mit mein lire,) quoted; IxiKuMatll matter vu compromised tar bis father igtuiog to 1*1 ~ ' » attend the night ft- they were in tfc* wkoat time to bia ol! in forxnanos in field <m the Foerth, and if not/de a holida; to hare the whole day for i iy. dot lumper vagon oop, mit laff und shoy; = J%* mit shvifd »hbeed ve roll avay ' t, " I vas oxblain to dem deestay. Cad Thy Columbus hat invent der FourtShooly. n. Vhen I arrife der blaco ubon Vhere dw enshoyment vas go ©n, fflHtioh mein deam dot shade in, py der fsnoe aroundt, Und I vas look out right avay "kit-/ Vbat mein frenta vill haf to say, iflmx mit shdyle dey Bee me Talk dot blc-nic croundt. Und a*f mem Wort! don't it vas shveot Mit gounty gandidates to meet VMtb for pin fat uffice vill run py-und-py ? But, vhen dey shake me py mein nandt • I vas mit shlvness undershtandt: «•> vas fishing far mein vote, deea Fourt •V'- Bhoolyl lit Vhen Sot sbeech-making haf pegin, Und I mein seat vas sit down in, "yWf mein vife und shildren py mein aide •«4 # aroundt, - ICein batriodic leodle poy Mit flre-vorks himseluf enshoy, . VMch he vas fire off ubon dot bic-nio croundt. It make der vimmens shump uud schream, •• Mit schare baf ran avay mein deam, TbBe he gonsole his heart mit eat dot ehicken- >*i bio, Und mit ein fader's loffng pride I call mein sohn oop py mein side Und say: "Veil done, young batriot, dees Fourt Sboolyl" •" - IAKEB JOLLIFICATION. I A X E was tall for his rears, raw-boned, lank, ^toop-shouldered, and, %with a stereotyped ex- Lpiessionof wide-mouthed i wonderalways on his face, he was aa fair a specimen of a backwoods Hoosier as one wonld wish to see. He was just turned eight­ een, having reached that period of his existence when he was inclined to occasionally disregard parental authority and in- dnlge in certain pJeasures. such as half-hol- Idaj trips to the county-seat town, attend­ ing picnics or dances on the green, an oc­ casional horse-race, etc., to all of which his father entered the moat strenuous ob­ jections, but generally without avail. Bat, all in all, Jacob Poe was not wholly bad; in fact, he was in many re­ spects a most excellent boy. He had known nothing but a life of the most slavish toil <ever since he had been old enough to "pack" water in a jug to the hands in the field; and as he grew np his duties increased until, several years before we have introduced him to your notice, he had done a man's work on the farm. He drove team, slowed, worked picking "trash" and roll- fag logs in the "clearing," and "made his hand" in the harvest field, and had received for it his clothes, board, and three months' schooling each year. In a vague and somewhat nebulous manner s#ike felt that he had reason for being at times discontented and rebellions. He had an illy defined idea that he ought to be do­ ing better in the world than he was doing; but with his limited knowledge of the world and its ways, and his lack of book- learning, he was naturally timid abont launching out in any enterprise of his •own. One bright morning late in June he had twen plowing corn in the bottom field nntil, becoming tired and thirsty, he tied his horse in the fence-corner while he himself sought a neighboring spring to drink from its cooling waters and to rest in the grate­ ful shade of the thick woods, along the ttorders of which lay the cornfield where he had been at work. While reclining at full length on his back on the grassy carpet which old Dame Nature had so kindly laid, and gazing up­ ward into a sky as blue and beautiful as only a June sky can be, his ear caught the sound of voices. Instantly he was on his feet, and, casting Ms eyes in the direction of the highway, which was only a few rods distant, he saw two men seated in a beautiful painted wagon and apparently talking to sonje -Others at the roadside. "Jeeminy! What's that?" he ejaculated and at once started toward them. As he •clambered up onto the fence by the road- .« r" I"." i.V: At an early hour on the morning of ths Fourth, the streets of Kokomo presented a lively appearanoe. Judging from the al­ most oountless number of oountry people who crowded and Jostled along the pave, sat in stairways and in stores when seats were to be obtained at all, there was very little wheat cut in Howard County that day. As the hours went slow­ ly by the crowd increased, until by ten o'olock the four sides of the public square were lined with a dense mass of sweltering humanity, while the large, green plat about the Coiut House, shaded as it was by a goodly dumber of thrifty young maples, was a veritable picnic ground, on which many were already eating their luncheons so as to be in ample time to get tickets for the afternoon performance. Need I tell yon our fnend Jake CL. * ** r- A /x «*<-- ^ ^ * 'V JGGGGL -/•* fn MRIWi OLD XI among the very earliest arrivals? I fancy not. He hod ridden a colt into town, and knowing it would not stand "hitched out" all day long, he had put it up at the livery, and with "Dud" l'erkins, his faithful friend and chum, had been down to the show-grounds to see the procession form, had made friends with some of the hostlers in the stables, and by carrying several tubs of water from the creek close by, had be­ fore ten o'clock, earned their tickets of ad­ mission into the show. The parade was grand; in fact, the most skeptically inclined, those who came ex­ pecting to be humbugged, said it was the biggest thing they had ever seen, and that the show was sure to be immense. Indeed, many who openly avowed that they came only to see the parade, and who had de­ clared that that was all that would ^e worth seeing, now concluded to stay and witness the afternoon's entertainment. Among those earliest in their seals under the huge canopy of canvas were Jake and "Dud." The show opened, as do all cir­ cuses, with the grand entree; and thai followed act after act, in such swift and bewildering succession, and of such a won­ derful character, that our two friends mu­ tually confessed, as did many others, no doubt, that they wouldn't have missed it for anything. Finally one of the old clowns came bounding into the ring, followed by a small but wicked-looking mule, which he intro­ duced as the famous trick mule. He also stated with much elegance of phrase that Mr. Barnum offered one hundred dollars in gold to any one who .would be able to ride the little fellow three times around tbe main ring. Now Jake had, as yet, never seen the four-footed animal which be could nbt ride. So after much earnest consultation with "Dud," he stepped out and offered to make the attempt to stride the little mule that had so far succeeded in pitching his previous riders over his head, and that almost before they knew it. The ringmaster offered to hold Pedro, as the mule wns called, while Jake got on; but Jake declined his kindness. Quick as a flash he was on the animal's back, and had locked his long legs under its belly and entwined his arms about its neck; then ly­ ing forward, he took one of its ears between his teeth and began to bite it fiercely. Amazed at this new treatment, and stung with pain, Pedro forgot to cut his antics, but dashed off at furious gallop, and almost before the sbowmen--or tbe crowd either, for that matter--had realized it, had run three times about the ring. As Jake quickly slid from the little fel­ low's back, the cheers and slioute of the audience were almost deafening, while he, hardly realizing what he had done, stood and gazed first at the sea of faces, then at the clown, the mule and the ringmaster, like one in a dream. Still more was he flustrated when Mr. Barnum himself stepped into the ring, and, taking Jake by the hand, praised him for his pluck, tact and excellent horseman- ship, and presented him with the purse containing one hundred dollars in bright shining gold. Jake, in a confused way, thanked him, and was turning to go when the eld show* man caught him by the arm, and with him standing by his side mounted a high stool* He then introduced Jake to the audience^ and amid a hurricane of applause the poor fellow was allowed to take his seat. Jake was the lion of the hour, and he is to-day the hero of his neighborhood. For miles around be is known as Pedro Jake, "the feller, and the only feller, who ever rid the trick mule at Barnum's circus." B E Fourth celebration at Grove was BO ̂ •dito* of tha Bwley Oak had prepared him- self to say, the most enjoyable event of the s e a s o n , a l t h o u g h , while the oommittee of arrangements was at work there were none of those serious hitches which so often bring abont the failure qf a c o m m e n d a b l e e n t e r - prise. In fact, every thing worked with en­ couraging smoothnsss until it was settled that _ Colonel Joe Swagertv should read the Declaration of Independ­ ence. Then Miles Brewer got up and said: "Fellers, I had calklated on readin' that ar dockyment myself. I told a wider woman that I'm go in' to see, that I would read it, an' ef I don't she'll think that I ain't got no influence in this here community, an' my chances will be sp'iled right thar." "Now, Miles," replied Colonel Swagerty, "thar you go, flyin' smack smooth offen the handle. I'm an older man than you air, an' am ther'fo' mo' in accord with the dockyment. Tell you what'll be abont right: I'll read it fust, an' then ef the boys 'low it ain't read right, w'y then yon ken give it a whirl." "I'm a thousan' times ableeged to yon," Miles replied, "but I ain't a-goin' to rsfd no second-hand declaration fur no man; so you ken count me out." " Oh, I reckon we ken worry along With­ out you," said Colonel Swagerty. "All right," rejoined Miles. "Ef thaT's any worryih' to be done yon fellers air goin' to do it; you ken bet yore old dockyment on that." "Sorry he went off thater way," said the chairman of the committee. "Let him go," replied Colonel Swagerty. "He ain't big enough to read a dockyment that kivers the whole country, an' ef he don't want to come out an' enjoy hisse'f, w'y, let him stay away. He don't know 'zackly what the whole thing's about, nd- how. He never heard of the battle of New Orleans, an' of cou se hain't expected to know that the dockyment kiveis that purtio- uler condick." • The day was beautiful. A number of benches had been arranged in the grov^, and a gayly decorated stand had been erected by the Colonel, who, proud of the distinction which., he had won, and deter­ mined that the "dockyment" should not be humiliated while in his hands, had bought lumber with his own money, and had, with his own artistic "paw," painted an eagle on a bed-sheet and hung it on a swinging limb just above the stand. Tho brass band from over the creek came in a wagon which had been used a few days before tb convey a condemned negro to the place of execution; and a cruel fellow, who is al­ ways provided with a wet blanket which he delights in throwing upon the glowing coals of good cheer, remarked that the negro ought to have been brought to the celebration, and that the band would have rendered more lasting services to the country by being hanged. In view of the fact that the band bovs had only practiced during the rainy days of four weeks (and the farmers had complained of dry weather), there was, I reluctantly admit, some justice in the re-1 a side, he saw painted in big let^HT on1 the side of the wagon the word "Barnum," while a little distance away were ten men plastering tbe walls of an old deserted blacksmith shop with flaming posters an­ nouncing that the "triple alliance of match- 'less aggregations," etc., would exhibit in Kokomo, for one day only, July the Fourth. Jake forgot all about his horse and plow the corn which was needing his atten- *ton so badly. As one by one, and section by section, the great colored sheets went «p, his interest increased, until having anally taken in the full grandeur of the coming show, he exclaimed: "It's a dang shame fer old Barnum to bnng his cirkuB 'long here jest in the be- grnin* of wheat cuttin'. Why'n thunder ^can't he wait till after harvest, then a fel­ ler might stan' sum chaincte of goin'." A moment later, however, the cloud on Ms face brightened, and the thought which bad lifted it found expression: Thunner •ad liten, I kin go ar night; it's onlv eight utiles to town, and I kin ride it after sup- jper--ef pap'll let me off." Bv this time the men had finished their 1 work and hastily climbing into their wagon, *tk«r drove rapidly away. Jssk watched them until they disap­ peared around a bend in the road, when he •tow got down from the fence and re- 'turnedio his work. I reckon, said old man Poe that day > II dinner, "that pervidin' the weather keeps -on favorin' us, the wheat ll do to cut by the i : & Fourth; fact right smart chaincte of its be- Sfhurin' to tarn a'ready." "Ob, pshaw, pap!" said Jake, "you're ••lias erowdin the cattle. I think the *whf hr 'boat as backward this year as I «ws»i*w it. Tenny rate I don't think we kin eut a lick in it till after the Fourth. 'Sides, I'm a goin' to the cirkns that day, and yen might as well nuke your 'rangfe- f&ehm that way now." ^ It is unnecessary to give the dialogue r, / ' Vhfc&follewed Jake's declaration as abovs A Doe's HiAvnr. A MTTLE boy, who was visiting at his father's office one afternoon, sat kicking his little heels against the round of the chair and humming to himself as he looked out of the window. Suddenly he turned to his father and asked: "Say, pal is tbe dog's heaven on Bone street?" "A dog's heaven!" "Yes; dog's have one, don't they?" "I suppose so," replied the parent, who scarcely knew how to reply. \ "It's a glue factory, ain't it?" continued the little irrepressible soberly. "Wbat makes you think that?" qnes tioned the father while ha smothered a laugh. ; "Cause, all the dead dogs are sent to the glae factory on Bone street." " ; ' i 0, FOB A Tmmr! J "Good day, Deacon. ilebrate, I see!" excla pit on meeting with Deacon Longhair and his little son on the Fourth of July. i ' Yes; I am going to take Tommy to tbe circus. I have promised all summer to take him to see the menagerie. "Be careful you do not stray into the performer's Cent yourself." "O, no fear of that. None at all." "How 1 wish I only had a Tommy I could take to see the animals!" said the minister after the retreating forms of the Deacon and Tommy were outof hearing. NEEDN'T BLAKI HIMT~ "Goodness me! Terrence, what are you doing? You cruel thing!" exclaimed Mrs. De Mot to her gardener, who had just am­ putated the subsequent appendage of ths house cat. "Begorra, yer nadent be blaming me, mom. Shure, it's yersilf wuz after axing me for cat-tails ter poot an' tha dirthy placks ye have stook all over the parlor walls. Yer sid yer'd loike them ter look noioe fer yer Fowth o' Jowly coompny." .. M You are going to, celebrate, I see! exclaimed Bev. Mr. Pul- HX'LL GO ELSEWHERE NEXT YIAK. "Hello' thar!" said a granger to bis city nephew who came to spend Fourth of July on the farm. "Haow's celebration? Didn't j shute er blamed thing, Er'll bet'" "Well yes, I did; but I wish I hadn't." Waal,naow; wot wuz it?" f , ^ • I Shot the dog yon loaned me»* mark. When the band had ceased to har­ ass that great national air, "Molly Dar­ ling," the Colonel climbed upon the plat­ form. He sat down, and nfter looking over a number of papers, turned to a friend and with an air of great perplexity said: "Bill, by gings, I've lost that preshus dockyment." "That's bad," Bill replied. "Ain't you got somethin' else that'll do as Well?" "I ain't got a thing but cut-throat mortgages." "Bead one of them," Bill suggested. "I'm almost afeerdi" "Oh, you neenter be. Nobody will ever know the diffurence, an' 'sides that, the Declaration of Independence was only the liftin' of a mortgage after all." "That's a fact, Billie. You've got a great head on you, my son, an' ef you watch yore p'ints like yore Aunt Nancy watchin' a kittle of b'ilin' soap, you'll own a cross-roads sto' an' a new suit of jeans one of these here days. Wall," getting up, "tbe brin'le cat is about ready to inak@ a jump." Tnen he faced the crowd and said: "Fel­ ler citizens, we have met here on this solemn occasion--not so blamed solemn as you mout suppose--met on this lively oc­ casion--not so lively but it mout be worse --to celebrate this great celebration. I will now read to you a dockyment that " Just then there arose the fearful cry of Mad dogs!" "Mad dogs!" Six or eight terrific-looking dogs had dashed into the crowd, and the people were running for their lives. Three of the dogs dashed up to the speaker's stand, and, sitting down on the ground, pointed their noses at the Colonel and the members of the commit­ tee. By this time the crowd bad dispersed. The Colonel and his friends were alone. "Merciful heaven!" loudly mourned the Colonel, "they are going to jump up here!" The dogs had begun to cut ugly capers. "Grab a limb an' climb up in the tree," some one shouted. Tbe Colonel seized a limb, and after every one else had found a safe lodgment* he succeeded in climbing a short dis­ tance, when, to his horror, he found that he could climb no further, and what made the situation still more thrilling, he found that the swinging limb dipped him down to within a few feet of the most ferocious- looking dog. "Oh, Lord!" the miserable man groaned, as he felt himself again dipped down, "I'll bet anvthing he nabs me this time. Why must I be burdened with so much flesh? Can't you relieve me of a little of it?" "The dog will do that!" shouted some one who was safe in the top of the tree. "You scoundrel," shouted the Colonel, "you infernal scoundrel Oh, Lord, forgive me for using such harsh language, for I am dipping down again. Oh, Lord, did you see him snap at me? I'm gone-- bet a hundred dollars I'm gone. Look at bim! Oh, Lord, he's going to jump at me. Bet a hundred an' fifty I'm gone." The day wore awav in agony, and a night of misery settled down. The Colonel, alternating between praying and betting, parsed the night somehow, and when day­ light came the worn-out man Baw that the dogs were gone. The Colonel, unable to climb down, turned loose and fell off like a sloth. Miles Brewer, early that morning, called up a pack of bloodhounds, and, as he fed them, remarked: " Good old boys. They tell me that you done yore work fine. Wouldn't take nothin' fur you. Didn't hear the readin' of the dockyment, did you? Good old boys." O yer watit the to toll yer er story, yer aay I {pin er yarn 'bottt Amer- ' lot's fire-craokor <l*yf Toll ror sunthin' aa bes er oifbS in it, hey ? Habbe naow, ver may think thet eta easy tew du, IVU er story that's com­ ical. suitable tew; Stilt Kr aueas Er l make aout, tho' fir oan't say ef» new. On tber Fo'th er July, In the year VU-- (Ef mer granther's alive thet'a tber date he would fix', Wuz ther time w'en Old Bess plavod some won­ derful tricks. Jest estcnished ther family by cuttin rip pranks Ez wuz never afore done by beast on rour shanks (An' in them days not even by two-legged oranks). Naow, Old Bess wuz ther nicest uv family kt*e, With er Rennlno Puritan pedigree fine-- Not er drop uv bad blood tor be traced in ther line; An' ther orlttur'd conducted herself in er way Ter command ther respect uv ther people, they sayi Upter when she observed Independence thet day. Ter kin think Er'm er drawin' an awful long bow Wen Er tell yer ther yam, but efs actooally sao-- Thet twas nuthin but drunkenness ailed thet ere oaow; Bt's er fact, boys, believe me er not, ez yer please-- Et won't change et er bit-et's es straight ez cut oheese, She ]eat drank half er gallon er spirits with ease. Ter see, granther wuz er man ez sleek ez er priest. On all pints uv religion till he wuz deceased-- An' b'gosht he said corn-juloe wuz wusser'n stale yeaet; Twas er hard blow ter him ter stand under and W'en Old Bess cut her caper an' drank up thet Tho* f alius will bold she wuz blameless uv In ther taowne uv Kersoeket, erway daowne in Maine (Ef yer look on er map uv old King George's reign, Ter will find ther place marked in big print let­ ters plain); There tber Britishers made their headquarters one day, Just aoutside ther taownship where granther's farm lay, .. An' Old Bess chewed her cud an' cropped grass and loose hay. Ther day rthen independence an* liberty cum, W'en ther bells wurer pealin', 'mid saounds uv tber drum, An' ther tories in taown wuz nigh stricken dumb, Er small squaj uv wild foragers aout on er spree Spied Old Bess by ther brook ez she stood 'neath er tree, An' jest filled her with gin in their rollicksome glee. When their bottles wuz emptied ther red-coats laughed long, While ther neighborin' hills re-echoed their song, An' Old Bess stood amazed an' wondered whut'a wrong. When my granther oame aout with his pall an' bis stool Ther wild troopers hed gone and wuz daown ber ther pool, An' Old Bess she was actin', b'gosh! like er fool. 1 Ez she flu raound ther pastur' on 'lectrical legs. Ter'd er tho't she wuz dancin' er top er fresh eggs. An' she made ther old farmer skip, too, on his pegs Till tber sweat et jest poured daown his cheeks on ther run-- €1 While he prutty nigh swore: "Whoa! by tber gret horn spun! Er'm no shakes on er chasin' er caow 'n ther sun!" So he waited ontil ther critter stood still, Then approached her quite gently with "Boh! Bess, yu ill?" When he milked In ther pail er moist generous fill. Naow ther farmer'd got thirsty er chasin'ther caow, An' he sot daown ther pall fur ter mop off his brow, With er muttered "Er vum I" an'er smothered "Er swaow!" So afore he went hum he jest tuk er gret swig Uv ther milk, then gave some ter old Baooter, ther pig, An' went inter ther barn where he whooped up er jia: Whut's ther matter'th ther milk?" ther young dairymaid cried; Then ther fumbly all tasted an' vowed with just pride, Twas ther best in their lives they ever hed tried. An' In consequent all er ther milk wuz soon gone-- Not er drap uv it left ez sure ez you air born t An' ther 'feet thet it hed wuz er sort uv er corn. Naow ther Deacoo he called 'fore ther milk wuz drank up, An' old granny she 'lowed thet he must hev er cup, So ter please her ther Deacon he sipped er small sup. The result wuz electrical, really so, quite I Fer ther skimpy old Deacon behaved like er fright, An' declared he'd buy Bess thet very same night. On ther follerin morn in' ther sun's rays wuz high f An' no one ter Old Bess In ther pastur' cum nigh, Till tbe Deaeon's wee spouse heard her beller- in' cry. Naow, her husband from hum stayed erway all thet night, An' cum back erlookitt' ez tho' all weren't right, An' er most comical skeercrow an' pitvable sight l He had slep' in ther pastur' an' rolled in ther dirt Till his best clotbes wuz grimed an* he'd torn his wbite shirt- Bo no wonder he talked with a stammerin spurt 1 And arave «MmsMttr an' empbattoal "Naow! WHU tt er thwdc It! Thet beats me all boiler, Er swaow 1" W'en old granny erwoke et wuz late In ther day. An* surprised, bless my stars I but 1>out gran­ ther, stay- Be was faound in ther bam where he'd hid in tl*«r hiy^ An' he acted right eurioue--dased, so they said. Like cz ef he hed lost all tber brains in his hed; He said nuthin', but walked straight up-stairs ter his bed. All ther gossips erbaoui hed naow'plenty tew du Ter relate ter ther quidnuncs wbu would ask 'em, "Whut's nu?" An' et soon reached ther ear or ther Britishers tew; But ther story tbey told no one ever believed-- Whut er scandalous thought 1 That ther dea­ coness conceived Sich er story ez thet an' tber village deceived. Ther idea uv tryin' ter change tid-bits uv news By inveu'.in' sich yarns wuz tew filmy er rose-- They'd er mind ov their own ter berlieve ez they'd chupe Still ther doubt fixed ets raoots in ther minds ov er few, And they gave ter mer granther ther credit thet's due, y So Er trust you'll be lenient an' du ther same, too. Thet you'll speak lightly ov granther's milky high-fly- . Give ther credit ter Old Bess whu hez gone upon high, Ez ther fust celebrator ov the Fourth er July. THI FOUKTH OF JOLT. HO# ft is OBXtBBRATKD IN TH> BtBAIi VILLAGES. O U R T H O F i) July was invent­ ed by a number of Quakers and a P e n n s y l v a n i a D u t c h m e n i n 1776, and we are not permitted to forget it as long as the small boy c a n p u r c h a s e Chinese fire- crackers. It is the day set apart for the orator to make the Ameri­ can eagle sore-- and his audience tired. In spite of the progress this nation has made in the past one hundred and eleven years, the Goddess of Liberty still uses the heel of a stocking for a spring bonnet, and Uncle Ham continues to wear striped trousers, a bell-crown hat, and a smile of satisfaction. Fourth of July is celebrated in Western Tillages about as follows: The sleepy inhabitants are suddenly awakened about four o'clock a. m. by the racket in the vicinity of the blacksmith- shop. 'A number oif young men procure ten pounds of gunpowder and feed it to a couple of voracious anvils for the purpose of waking the natives. There is a prema­ ture discharge of the gunpowder in the hands of a young man who forgets to throw away his cigar, and the natives are awakened by tbe arms, legs, boots,and tin watches of the young men decending through the roofs of several of the princi­ pal residences of the town. This kind of fun is repeated regularly every Fourth of July, but not by the same young men. Their younger brothers attend to this part of the programme a yeart later, with the same result. Occasionally a young man escapes with no greater damage than the loss of his mustache and the consequent odor of something like burnt feathers under bis nose. This odor is sometimes communicated to his best girl's bieath, and answers the purpose of a trade-mark by which she may be identified for a couple of months, when the quality of pomade that her lover uses on his upper lip maybe recognized again in the tones of her voice. Early in the morning the patriotic citi­ zens decorate tbe town with flags, and the little boy whose trousers have not been patched may be seen carrying his flag at half-mast. I carried a flag in that manner during the late rebellion. The central figure of a Fourth of July celebration is the marshal of tho day. He Wen bis wife cum eraound ter mer granther's old farm %** bed worked herself up ter tber bilin' pint warm, •jut the sight she saw there gave her cause fer alarm; 'ur tber hounemaid wuz Bleeping near by er cold fire. While titer darter tay on a big sofa near by ber, And wuz groan in' and moanin', an' callln' her sire. Naow, erway ter ther village ther busy dame flew, Ter report ter ther neighbors ther gossip she know; An' tber peoDle all listened *a*U she was through, When they puckered &«lr lips, with *r raiafe ov ther brow, C ^ is usually a small man, who would have been larger if his Mgall" had been frost­ bitten early in life. He wears a big red saBh and a nose to match, and rides a dun horse whose tail has been chewed off by a barb-wire fence. His office consists in riding here and there and making himself ridiculous. He rarely ever fails to fill the office to bis own satisfaction. Another feature of a Fourth of July eel- ebration is the music. This is composed of a brass band, consisting of six or eight pieces, an<^ a glee club, consisting of eight­ een or twenty pieces. The leader of the band generally blows beer through the E- flat, while the trombone-player punches a fat woman from the county in the side and causes ber to spill a basket of eggs into the tuba, compelling the latter to blow egg- nogg and "Yankee Doodle" out of his horn at the same time. The glee club is com­ posed of the remnants of three church choirs, and most of them wear court-plas­ ter on their faceB and bathe their voices in mucilage in order to make them stick to­ gether. At ter the audience has heard the glee club sing they begin to wonder if our forefathers fought eight years in order that their posterity should be compelled to lis­ ten to such a discordant racket. When Patrick Henry said, "Give me liberty or give me death," he should have added: "But, for heaven's sake, give me as little glee club music as possible!" Another noticeable feature of the Fourth of >Tuly celebration is the young man from the country and his Jemima Ann. He is usually dressed in a failed coat of a home­ made, nondescript pattern, too short in the sleeves and too long in the tail, with a pair of butternut pants that are so tight and short in the legs that they appear to be trying to shake hands with his elbows. His necktie appears to have been utilized for a surcingle, and his collar climbs up to see what makes his ears so red. His boots are a few sizes smaller than a canal-boat, and are neatly lubricated with stove-polish. His hands are nearly as large and as brown as a couple of hams, and he is undecided whether to attempt to put them in his pockets or let them hang down and take their Obaferes of is as raddjr as a W,~*odf*lias a fMe as pretty, as broad and as sparkling as a hug* sunflower. Sh« wears ayellow calico dieas, and a big bagtdana hsadkerchief vonnd her neck. She weighs two hundred and twenty pounds, apd is sosboet-winded that she nearly chokes herself in her efforts to eat half a section of ginger-broad. ItAtaj unlucky wight should happen to/rib shoulders with her in a crowd, she will give bim such a punch with her elbow that he has to be carried home on a shutter. When she walks along with John she takes Lim by the hams--I mean the hands as big as hams--and tbey saunter along oblivious of the many smiles at their awkward ap­ pearance. In spite of their ignorance and uncouthnesB, however, they posses purer and more patriotic hearts than all the dndes that titter at them. The Declaration of Independence oomes next on the programme, and it is read either by a young man with a bassvrood voice, who runs his left hand through his hair in imitation of a farmer raking hay, and growls the Declaration through his clenched teeth, or an old maid with eye­ glasses shrieks the immortal document so shrilly that she cracks the paint on her cheeks. The audience give a sigh of re­ lief when she has finished, only to listen to still greater atrocities perpetrated by the brass band and the glee club. It is simply the supreme patriotism of the people that prevents them from blowing np the music" with dynamite. The "orator of the day" is a one-horse lawyer from a neighboring city, and is la­ beled on the bills "Hon. Mouther Blowoff." His speech is taken bodily from "Beadle's Dime Spoaker," and he declaims it with his arms and legs, assisted at intervals by his mouth. The fact is that he can not be heard for the lemonade vender,who drowns the orator's voice as completely as he does the solitary lemon in a barrel of ice-water. I am satisfied that the lemonade fiend has saved the life of many a Fourth of July orator by rendering it impossible for the people to hear the speech, for the very best people will not tolerate everything even on Independence Day. The agony closes with a concert by the club in the town hall at night, and every­ body that is sober enough to climb the stairs is certain to attend and sleep until tbe hour fixed for discharging the fireworks and sending up a cheap paper balloon. The balloon burns before it ascends one hun­ dred feet, and Jemima Ann and John are in ecstasies over the mishap. In open- mouthed amazement they watch the fire­ works until a misdirected sky-rocket strikes John in the vicinity of his liver and doubles him up, while Jemima Ann catches a ball from a roman candle in her sunny hair. The exercises conclude with a sudden ex­ plosion of a box of fireworks, and the spectatora disperse amid the odor of gun­ powder tfnd burning hair and whiskers. I HE GLORIOUS FOURTH. HE Glorious Fourth has come I Beat the loud-re- . sounding drum, fchoot tbe cracker,fire the pistol, punch the Eagle, make him scream; Day of powder and torpedoes, lemon­ ade that knows no lemon, ginger-pop devoid of ginger, Ice-cream innocent of cream t The Glorious Fourth has come! Beat the patriotic drum, Tune the fife, and blow the bugle, shoot tbe rocket t h r o u g h t h e spheres; L e t t h e x a p l d - mouthed declalmer pour his patriotic Sassion, eloquence l v o r c e d f r o m - meaning, Words unmarried to ideas! •?-,; The Glorious Fourth has come I v Pound the hollow-sounding drum, . Hear the speaker spout his geysers, hurl his cataracts of speech; Hear the eloquence compounded of unmixablo ingredients,one percent, of thought original, Ninty per cent, of screech. The Glorious Fourth haH come! Beat the deep-resounding drum, Seornh your fingers, burn your whiskers, shoot a large hole through your bead, Fire your cannon, snoot your arm off, break your leg and save your country-- Then be carried home to bed 1 HI DIDN'T SSU OUT. Some years ago, when Barnum's circus passed through a country village, a small boy's father was too poor to allow his son the chance to see the menagerie. The boy saved some money through selling some fried pies his mother cooked to help him out, and, with a double basket load, on Fourth of July morning he walked to the next village, where he told Barnum his story, and the good-bearted showman passed him in and gave him permission to peddle his pies among the visitors. The boy wandered around with mouth agape at the living curiosities he viewed for the first time, and finally came to the elephauts. Here he set his basket down to rest his arm, and while watching one elephant the second reached out and appropriate * his basket of pies. The elephants fed them­ selves with the sweetmeats and politely re­ turned the boy his basket. He started out of the tent with his empty basket and met Mr. Barnum. "Well, well, little boy," said the show­ man, "you've had good luck, hain't you? Sold out quickly?" "No, sir," said the boy, between his sobs. "Didn't sell them? Why, what have you done with them?" "I--I--I -I didn't dew nuthin'--wi-wi- wi-with 'em. Th-th-th- tha-thet durned bi-bi-big ingy rubbor thing too-too-took 'is t-t-t-ail 'n shoved'em in bis pocket," blubbered the unfortunate lad, with a series of boo-hoos. HAD RONR M THE WOBLD. "Well, Michael, it appears to me that ! 'ou are putting on considerable style ately, wearing big diamonds and a silk hat," said a merchant to a former porter in his employ. "Well, yer see, sorr, Oi'm afther be in' ellicted aldimun in tha Nointainth warrud, sorr. Oi'm wan er tha Fowth o' Jowly cummittay, an' have er handle on me name like er gintleman now, sorr. Tha payple calls me Misther O'Brannagun instid av Moike, an' tha rist av tha aldimin wuddent luik at me ov Oi didn't wear er hid-loight, sow." BORBOVSD SOLXKKITT. . "FlipkinB, why is it you always look as solemn as an owl and scowl so, while you are writing humor?" asked Clairette. "I borrowed the habit when I chummed with a Bexton and undertaker. His em­ ployment and my own were so much alike." "So much alike! For goodhess' sake, in what do they bear the least possible resem­ blance to each other?" "Well, burying a man is a grave affair, and the writing'of humor for a living is a very serious undertaking." IT WAS SO DRT. "What is the matter with yo«? Have you a cold?" asked a young author, of a lady friend. "O, no; not at all," she replied. "What makes you cough BO?" "I have just been reading yo^:Fourth of July sketch." "I can hardly perceive why that should make you cough. "It u so dry." toper's refusal to ; A FA* «>UFE­ tors. A SAO BRBAIK- take a drink. OtrBiotrs *ACT--stout people an very soon fat igued. WHY is a whisper forbidden in polite society? Because itisn'taloud. "THB lobby must go. Yes, but it will go for the corporation that com­ mands the most money.-- Texas Sift' ings. •' "SAT, bnbl" said a Newman "your pants are too short" "Well," replied the little fellow, "I dess deyll drow."--Newman Independent, Mis STRESS (to new servant)--We have breakfast generally abont 8 o'clock. New servant--Well, mum, i£ I ain't down to it don't wait.--Harper's Bator; UTOPIA : a sneering name Our doubt and envy to express . Of that which later grows to fStna 1 _ And recognition calls success. --Ttocat Sifting1. A WOMAN, by the way of experiment, recently tied a pedometer to her chin, and discovered that she talked thirty- three miles between breakfast lunch. "I HEAB that your husband is very 91, * said Mrs. Pliilpot. "Yes, poor fellow," replied Mrs. Snooper, "he leads suoh a sedementary life that his health is shat­ tered." AN exchange has an article on "The Rise and FalVof the Poet." One impor­ tant point, however, is omitted, and that is the length of the stairs.--But' ling ton Free Press. THE official title of the, Oovernor.of Rhode Island, is Captain-General of Rhode Inland and Providence Planta­ tions. Tbe title runs out of the statd into deep water.--San. Francisco Altcu "DOT Abram lievi he opens a store next to mine. It was mean in him." "But didn't you say last summer, Mr. Doppenheimer, that competition is the life of trade?" "Yes, but I wasn't in no business last summer. "---Harper's Basar. . "CANhogs be taught tricks?" asks a children's paper. Yes they can. They have learned the trick all by themselves of taking their local paper for years, and then sending it back marked "re­ fused," and they could be taught all sorts of other trioks--except paying-- if anybody Was ai mind to try.--Dakota Bell. "MY friend," said a solemn passenger to the driver of a Third avenue street car, "do you know that you'll never get to heaven if you swear at your horses like that ?" "If t didn't swear at them hosses,** replied the driver, "I'd ne^er get to Harlem, and that's the point I'm headed for now. "--New York Sun. "I AIN'T much in a city like New York," said'Col. Blood, who had been drinking all the evening at Dumley's expense, "but down in the blue grass region I'm a pretty big gun." "Yes, Colonel," asserted Dumley, as he paid for another roundy< "you are a big gun, and it oostB money to load you up."-- New York Sun. "WILL you trust me for a cent's worth of gum ?" asked the small boy, the top of whose head was on a level with the counter. "Why, yes, I'll trust you. You look like an honest boy." "O, yes, I'm honest, but you'd better give me the cent and let me buy some caii- dy next door. I prefer .candy to gum." --Detroit Free Press. A DIPLOMAT made a funny blunder when he approached Mrs. Hornsby to take leave of her at her "tea." The. lady said to him: "Are you going so soon?" And he answered: "I always do at your house." He thought she had used the stereotyped expression: "I hope you have enjoyed yourself," and he got off the usual answer to this query.--The Argonaut, 1 THE ECONOMICAL GIBL. ' U ' She's a dashing little student Of economy, and prudeut, In a most painstaking fashion, I would really have you know; And she looked with eyes upglari Most bewitchingly entrancing, And my thoughts flew back to courtships Many happy years ago. B6011 her gaze grew fond and fonder, And I then began to ponder Some sweet words I'd whisper to bet Of a liberty I'd take ; But she smiled a smile platonlCB '- • As she said in words laconic: 4 • "What a splendid lot of carpet r«j§|'\ . Your overcoat would make!" ' r* --8tm-Francisco Pott. A Judge's Insight. _ In Washington County, Arkansas, an old fellow, who had been summoned to serve as a juryman, but who did not appear at the appointed time, was brought in by a deputy Sheriff. "You have treated this Court with contempt," said tbe Judge, "and unless you can give a good reason for your failure to appear I shall take great pleasure in punishing you. Do yon not know, sir, that when we insist that you shall be a juryman we pay you a high compliment??' "I know that, Jedge, but>{ never did like er compliments bein' alius afeerd that somebody wuz tryia' ter flatter me." \ ' "None of your foolishness. ' Why did you fail to.appear?" -- ' "Jedge, I jest couldn't comA* "Family sick?" . > - "Wus'n that." > - "You don't say sow ; Why, what«ould have been the matter ?" • "Kaint yer guess, Jedge?" • - "Let me see," said the jurist, sdrateh- ing his head reflectively. "Hold on a minute. Worse than sickness in the family. You must have had a sick horse 1" the Judge exclaimed, with a burst of inspiration. "Yer struck it, Jedge; yer struck it square." "Mr. Sheriff," said the Judge, in the wavering tones of suppressed excite­ ment, "adjourn court and we'll all go out and look at his hoss.*--Arhaiiiaw T r a v e l e r . a . . Ben: Perley Poore's Work. Aside from his work as a news gflU* erer and political spectator, Ben: Per- ley Poore earned the gratitude of every writer > in the land through the great number Of reference works which he published. He taught the teachers of men. The book of Webster in the proof-rooms and the manuals and direc­ tories of Ben: Perley Poore in the edi­ torial rooms have been for the last quarter of a century the volumes most often open to consultation If a young man write a book nowadays, of which • 100,000 copies are distributed, the par Eers begin drafting his granfatlier'a istory; but 800,000 copies of Major Poore's "Life of Gen. Taylor" were sold over thirty years ago.--Chicago Herald. HEBE is a good one for the women. An English statistician has discovered that married men live longer and live better lives than bachelors. Among every 1,000 bachelors there are thirty- ei;ht criminals; among married the ratio is only eighteen per 1,000. „ klvV , .IASADAT* /*•