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^b« \ A,* . iv *' • iv i *«'• + »ti ' ~* • «' ^ o 1 *•* **<***»»»•**. . r" '1 • ymj > v -\#Sy 3$& . ifwx'l-»-M?!yit: * . V ^ ', *" «#**- TEE OAT wn CILKHAT*. m CRT OP THE DKSAIUK, th*tis, h»V9fM| r ourfljgjjtp" *r •johii son.K o'j •burning and tolling ' id hi wa of men; ' T#f litoilding and sfoillag ••*»••'.." and building iipiIn, i filfftrdmoM rfvor-.;"'^ • > . . dmnned my y«aA mijmtsx- *£- dMainer lives forever, . •mailer dies in * day. 1 'f f«t Mheshowv ssemiog -W* ' Ms half a lie; -> ' • "* j 1 with scheming), - k * 'that hurries by. A;V I thf* sleepless thoughts endaaVW, J would go where the children pUy; „ f Vi ".Iter a dreamer lives forever, .. &«,v;' 7' - And » toiler dies lu a diij. - ,. •' --v ;7 Ileal no pride, but pity „ j * * - For the bunion* the rich endurag' ' * . * UKW« is nothing sweet in the city- • 1 • ( But the patien t lives of the poafc-^ *• 7{£ . - <Qh.' the little hands no skilful, . , "-And (mchild mind c*ioked with weeds, TOedUigb ter's heart grovrs wilful. ;' A And the father's heart that bleeds. ^ •- :j:~ , «j>, no! from the street's rude buttle,, vt ̂ from trophies of mart and stogfc* •** {'Would fiy to the upodtt low rustle, _ ' ' Ana the meadow's kindly page. ' ? " drmm AS of old by the rivft, "And be loved for the dream al w m For » dreamer lives forever, , <And * toiler dies in a day. •-Jffcbrosfca State Journal. > r J ' . - • • i m BLUE BEARfc - ® c - . BTCLABA MKRWES. * Jl&nd how do you like Lenora's be­ trothed husband?" asked Mrs* Jones, in a whisper, of Aunt Crump. "Oh dear," replied Aunt Crump, "I don't like him at all"; he pat me in mind of Blue Beard." "Dear me," cried Mrs. Jones, with a start, "what strange things yon do say, Lnoretia. Blue Beard!" "Yes, I give you my word that as soon as I saw him I thought of that dreadful person that poor Fatimu mar­ ried," said Aunt Lucretia Cramp. "His beard is just the tint. I never thought Bine Beard's beard was light, but a kind of dark, invisible blue, yon know, and the dve Dr. Turk uses has really a blue shine. Yon needn't pretend you donft know he dyes, Impgene." "I haven't pretended," said Mrs. Jones; "I haven't said a word about it, Lucretia; and if a gentleman of 40 should find a few gray hairs in his hair, why shouldn't he color 'em? Is it «ay worse than frizzes ?" "Perhaps not," said Miss Crump; "but it's the likeness to Bine Beard we were speaking of. There's an air of mystery about the man--a dreadful air of mystery in my opinion; and, of «ourse, he's a widower." "Well, ye-e-es," reluctantly assented Mrs. Jones. "One or two ?n asked Miss Crump. "I really don't understand you," said Mrs. Jones, with asperity. "I mean how often has he been mar- lied before ?" asked the aunt. "! "Well, twice; but the unions were., -very brief," said Mrs. Jones. -1 "So doubt," said Miss Crump; "no- doubt Did you ask him what they died of?" "Of course not," said Mrs. Jones. "1 should if I'd been Lenora's ma," atid Miss Crump. "But people are so iM to marry their girls off that they don't care to whom they give them. No, sister, since you ask, I don't like Blue Beaid--I mean Dr. Turk. It's all the same. . * Y "I do," said Mrs. Jones; "a most gen­ tlemanly person; and I must say I think you are absurdly prejudiced in this case, -Lucretia." . "We shall see," said Miss Crump. *Time will prove: but I'd like to knpw how those first poor, dears dk$L 1 >efore I gave my daughter to him, if I had one, Imogene. Hpwever, Lenora is not mine but yours. Send her to make the third of Blue Beard's victims, if you choose." "Hew very ridiculous," said Mrs. Jones; but she felt a little uncomfort­ able.- She had a great deal of respect lor Lucretia's powers of penetration, and Dr. Turk had come from some dis- •timt place, and very recently, and he wore the wedding rings of two deceased wives on his little linger, though he •certainly was not much past 40. llow- <evar, he had taken an excellent position BS a medical man, He had fine rooms . in the college building. He must have means. He told her that he was not de­ pendent on his profession* rior monev. Had he not offered Lenora every elegant attention ? Did he not hope that she would reside with them after their un­ ion, and should she let Lucretia's words influence her ? No, of course not. Still Mrs. Jones could not feel quite comfortable, and when Dr. Turk called that evening she felt guilty as she remembered the doubts that had been troubling her all that afternoon, and all that Miss Crump had said. "There is to be a very interesting lec­ ture at the college to-morrow after­ noon," said Dr. Turk, as he arose to take his departure. "May I hope to «©eyou all there? If you will walk over about 2 o'clock I shall be able to find you excellent seats. I cannot leave at that hour or I would do myself the pleasure of coming for you." "We can come by ourselves very well, indeed," said Mrs Jones. "Sister Lu­ cretia will be delighted, I know. She likes lectures. And so it was settled before Lenora slipped out of the room for those few good-bye moments that, are so d§ar to lovers. " ' ̂ "Is he not 'polite, Lucretia, "whispered. • * "I believe JBfue Beard was very at fentive to his mother-in-law before the marriage," said Miss Crump; but she went to the lecture next day, notwith- standing. The ladies were very early, and Dr. Tnrk, having greeted them, es- corted them to his own parlor, a pretty *4>om, full of book-cases and cabiofets. Perhaps you can pass half an hour pleasantly here," he said, "I must beg to be excused for that length of time. These cases contain some minerals and curiosities rather worth looking •jt, and there are some books that are of value and interest, I will give you my keys.' He took from his pocket a ring, and began to detach from it one particular key--a large brass one. Then, "I shall lose it if "I take it he said. "Ladies, open every­ thing you care to look at except this door"--he pointed to one set in a little recess; "this brass key opens that, and > ft is best for you that it should remain dosed. Otherwise do as you please." He bowed and departed, leaving the keys in Lenora's hands, while Mrs. j Jones stared at Aunt Lucretia, who U&th uplifted hands, whispered, "Blue Pieard.". 'What 'does aunt Lenora. in that closet which he forbids you to open?". ,, ^ , .? .< <• .. "Ofaoioui, aun^ have jfltwl^oaa at last ?" said Lenora , "Yes, certainly," said lira. Jones; "and to prove it I'll unlock the closet. I'll show you that there is no mystery whatever in it." ^ . "Ypu may find his two flrst wives.in pickle," said Miss Crump. "Oh, mamma!" cried Lenora, "the idea! Open a closet we were expreqaly requested not to open ? Not for worlds! And, aunt, I wonder you are not ashamed to speak so of poor Dr. Turk's afflictions. Widowhood is a calamity. The best of people lose their friends." "I always feel suspicious of widowers, anyhow,*' said Aunt Cramp, "And this door, which you uiusn't open " "Which I will open," said Mrs. Jones. "You sha'n't!" cried Lenora. ' How dare yen sav sha'n't to me 1" said Mrs. Jones. "Is that respectful?" "Respectful or not, mamma," cried iLeuora, "I can't let you do such a thing. You'll feel sorry to-morrow if you do." "Open the door, if you want proof that there's a mystery at the bottom of all this," cried Aunt Lucfetia. Mrs. Jones brushed past her daughter and put the brass key into the key-hole of the forbidden door. Lenora burst into tears. Miss Lucretia Crump }>eeped over her sister's shoulder, and the TOOV opened. As it did so Mrs. Jones uttered a loud shriek, and Aunt iCruinp echoed it. Before them swung two skeletons, white and' shining objects, calculated at any tiipe to alarm a nerv ous female, but* at this juncture, actually horrifying to both old ladies. "Just asT said. Blue Beard's counter­ part. Those are his two wives!" cried Miss Crump. "Let us go home," said Mrs. Jones. "Lenora, come away. From what a fate have I saved you." "I wonder which is his first one?" said Miss Crump. The longest, I sup­ pose. I wonder how he killed 'em." Then Bhe gave a shriek, and slammed the door to; lor another door had opened to admit Dr. Turk. For a mo­ ment he stood, quietly gazing at the excited two; then offered Mrs, Jones his arm. "It is time to secure our seats," he said, "Come ladies." But Mrs. Jones drew back. "We beg to be excused," she said. "Excused ?" cried Dr. Turk, "I don't understand. What has happened ?" "We've opened the forbidden closet,*" said Aunt Crump. "I tried to keep them from doing it," sobbed Lenora. "And we've seen - your two wives, Blue Beard!" cried Miss Crump. "Yes, we know why you forbid us to open it, and we shall take care that our poor girl is not your third victim. I, for one, was never deceived in you. I detected your resemblance to Blue Beard at once." "Madam," said Dr. Turk, very quietly, "I never met Mr. Blue Beard, so I can­ not tell whether I resemble him or not; but I eau prove to you that these are not mv deceased wives." He rang the bell. - entered. Adam," he said, A colored servant open she the closet where the skeletons are, will you? These ladies feel intereeted in them." "Yes, sir. But, excuse me, they mostly frighten ladie*," said Adam, un­ locking the door. "These ladies will notlie frightened," said the doctor. ."HowIons have those two skeletons been in the college, Adam?" Fifteen or twenty years, this one; t'otherabout ten," said Adam, And what skeletons are they?" asked the doctor. This here one, sir," said Adam, "was the skeleton of the largest baboon ever discovered. This one a gorilla, sir." Thank you, you can go," said the doctor. Then turning to Miss Crump, who sat bolt upright on her chair, with a face the color of an oleander, he asked calmly: Do you still believe that these are my wives, madam?" None of that patty attended the lec­ ture that day, Mrs. Jones had cried her eves too red, and Aunt Lucretia was in too great a sage. As for Lenora she refused to be comforted for a long while; but the doctor must have succeeded at last, for thev are married; but, though they quite forgave Aunt Lucretia Crump, and invited her to the wedding she did not fofgive them sufficiently to attend it. tzzi Spotter 1 , Bang! Whoop OnoH more in bis niwMesa grind bath Hme Tamed out the day m exeor --cele­ brate. Proud bird ol free­ dom ! Once more let exultant iq be heard, And letth'affi 4d monarch the Old Worl Tremble as t h e f a r mnirian Who fee la shakes on imr. forty mil 'From quinine! Wake from t •lumber, w •on of toil, At S o'clock a. m. and harken - To the vOd clangor ot the deep-toned nella. The boom of cannon, and the maddening And bang incessant of the firecracker, Squib, torpedo, and thp yell demoniac Or psvly hnnfllnm pahrint: Toss upon thy restless couch and listen To the far-reaching flshhorn, the dreaded KMOO, The loud, angry, and defiant protest Of the neighboring rooster, and rejoice That July 4 comes only onoe a ^ear t Wan it for this, ye meii of '76, Ye fought, and bled, and whipped? What, light eight years In order that this people might posses# The toy pistol? Yet why these grumblings? Men of America, Awake! you cannot help yourselves! Get up J Stir vour lazy stumps. Be boys again, And help i>>« youngsters eelebrate the day. /Irafe Ihkbow for nty qpeech »pproMb> w£t?8frr- you--*--tatve all your fund* ijfeftL Remeaob r, after my speech MM flight, than--then, adored one, a «*<a of bliss in my vlne-cMui cottage toinantto." than. For the preeent, «UML* £H$; CELEBHATIO^ »T C. F. CABTF.B. ' t W A K Independence i)ay in Ponca; Ponca was in holiday attire; P.uica was in a bla^e of glory; Ponca, individ­ ually and municipally speaking, was in a transport of patriot­ ism bordering on be­ atitude. It was the one hundred and twelfth anniversary of' the signing of that im- mortal declaia' ion that revolutionized the world, and Ponca pro- posed to celebrate the day on a scale of magnificence that would eclipse even its own previous efforts in that direction, which was saying a great deal. No other ciiy in the breadth of four counties could boast citizens more liberal, more public- spirited, or more keenly alive to the possibili- HoClellan Fayke, Esq., Mk fata 'W a grove of gnarled, sprawling ~ ""ter the entire population of T county as well, had preceded was hemmed in on three aides d designated as the "creek," tl* peninsula that formed the remain- Were gathered lumber wagons, i, democrat wagons, wagons new __arneRs of wagons. At the side farthest from the peninsula and |ng tbo fvreelr a rude platform to accommodate the orator of iU orgaA, and the Ponca Glee Club. _J®d seats at the rear of this platform ranged thirty-eight young ladies dressed ia . • and wearing red pasteboard coronets labeled in gut, who were supposed to represent! the Sates of the Union. IinH^glrla in short, white dresses; young* ladian in long, white dresses; and porty mai tro»s in large, white dresses assisted their] brothers, sweethearts and husbands to worfcf; the soft, hlack earth into a bottomless mine <ii" they tratnwd « ce&selesa round from platform to Itiii'mrtize ijootii. and from lemonade booth fct» the meiry-go-rounda. In» the ou/cskirfcB of ttia grove a party of boys were industriously filing anvils, while innumerable begrimed and per­ spiring amaller brothers were exploding lire- crackers with an energy they never exhibited but once a year. 1'he hortes at the wagonu neighed incessantly and the Ponca Cornet Band executed its loudest nuisio with tireless energy. Altogether it was a delightfully patriotic pande­ monium into which Hon. Fayke's stately Bteps led him. The Hon. W. McClellan Fayke, Esq., ascended, the platform and beamed "benignly upon the gaping multitude while the glee club rendered ' "Yankee doodle, keep it tfp, Yankee doodle dan-dy." Than the Hon. Fayke stepped to the front and began: "Friends and fellow-citizens: "As the living representatives a--aa the lin­ eal descendants, I 'may say, of our .illustrloua forefathers, it behooves us " Casting about for fitting words to round this elegant period the Hon. W. McClellan Fayke, Esq., cast, his eye to the right and beheld a stranger coming quickly up the steps. There was nothing remarkable in his appearance, but the Hon. Fayke turned pale and glanced Georgie ties a buneh on his sister's pet York* shire, and finds It beats tin cans all to pieccs; ff y. % ' " ' ' ' e u n c l i m b a mm, bat still the ty­ rant Bleep Holds fast our baby boy in his em­ brace ; The slumb'rer sighs, anou athwart his Faint, half-suggested frowns like shod ows creep. _ , , One little hand llM listless on hit , breast, One little thumV sticks up with mute appeal, While motley burns and powder mark* The fruits of boy­ hood's patriotic seat. Our baby's poodle faithful crooohM near- He, too, is weary of the din and play That come with glorious Independence Day. But which, thank God I come only once a year I And Fido tco in this, Which once'a year right noisily obtain*!, , - For Fido's tail--or what thereof remains** ' - Ia not so fair a sight as once it was. !ji; THE PATRIOTIC SMAU WM Kind, considerate Unole John furnishes littla Georgie with a supply of firecrackers, that ha may fitly demonstrate his patriotism and cele> taatotlMdagt. •"•'•'.ram •HB WAS iitun aor BtiDun am A nn vmuwa OHM m SHOOIAIM^ to the left. Seeing another stranger com­ ing up the steps on that side also he tained like a flash, and, clearing the tenches at a bound, dropped into the creek behind, immediately in advance of a couple of bullets from the atranaers' revolvers. The voting ladle* ecr-amed and fainted in a body, while the organist tried to crawl into his instrument. _ Hurrying around to the rear of the platform VV. McClellan Fayte, Eeq., was : the strannrs foond tbe Hon. Kayke Immovably the speaker of the day, in j stuck In die treacherous mud, with the dirty mean, mamma?" "Oh, you know -your aunt," said Mrs. Jones. "She pretends to tliink il^y Dr. Turk exactiy like Blue Beard." "Ian't he ?" asked Lucretia, in a dreaidlUl whisper; "and now a locked dodS^#^ we must not open. Oh, my love--g|y lov^--let - me warn you.; •There's jfiti awful mystery in Dr. How did his first wives Putting on the Cap SheaL "It's wonderful what flim-flam noshins they do git up nowadays," said the old lady in the next seat ahead. "When I was fust married an ox cart was consid­ ered good nuff fur anybody to " ride in, but now they hev to hev palace kyars and sich or folks is kicking. "It's got to be jist as bad nor wus in church," she continued, as she felt for her pipe and tobacco. "I sliet my eyes to it fur awhile, but I had to get 'em open when folks began to make fun of me fur wearing of a bonnet which was seven years old. Some of 'em git a new bonnet every year, and the extravagance in dress goods, handkerchiefs, collars, and sich is perfectly awful. I should think it would bust up all the men folks. "And everything has gdt to running to grammar," she went on, as she filled her pipe and hunted in her satchel for a match. "In my day nobody didn't keer nuthin about nouns and verbs and pro­ verbs, but everybody in this aige is dead stuck on 'em. I can't tell one o' my gals to bring up 'taters fur dinner or drive the goslin's onto' the garden patch but what she flies up at me about my grammer." She found a match and lighted her pipe, to the great amusement of the pas­ sengers, and she was puffing, away #nd taking lots of comfort when the conduc­ tor came along. . "No smoking in this owr ma'am," he curtly announced. "What!" * "No smoking here." "Do you mean to say it's agin the rules to smoke as I ride albng M hanker fur it?? . "I do. You will have to stop at once." "Humph! Well, that does put the capsheaf on the whole bizness, though I've bin expecting it fur some time. The last time I went to meeting they objected to my smoking in one of the [ back pews, and now I start on a jour­ ney to my daughter Hanner's to be told to shet my off smoking afore I've drawn six whiffs, because the railroad don't like it! Ill Btop, of course, but when I git to Hanner's I'll just gin right up and tell 'em I want to die. It's no us* fur an ole woman like nie to expect to git any more comfort in this»flim-flam aige, and the sooner I kin, git to heaven the better.--New York Sun. f pi «. tlon. The brass band of no other town discoursed more enthusiastic but misguided melody; no other committee on arrangements that was ever appointed could compass such mir- j aeles of mirth as the Ponca greased-pi« race#. | From no other platform did orator}* attempt I audi empyrean flights; from no other booths i Was served such frigid lemonade. { Knowing all thie, and knowing, furthermore, that the Hon. announced as prodigious type, that the Weekly Palladium had ordered expressly for the purpose, is it any wonder that farmers who were so unfortunate as to reside at a distance from Ponca aroused their households at 1 ia. m., in order that the chores might be disposed of, and the journey to the Mecca, of patriots accomplished in good sea­ son? Concerning the Hon. W. McClellan Fayke, Esq., nobody had any information fur­ ther than that gentleman himself had furnished. He had alighted four weeks before from the one mixed train that visited Ponca every twenty-four hours, and going to the leading hotel, nad ordered a sumptuous feast, served in the best room in the house. Verv dignified in bearing was the Hon. W. McClellan Favke, Esq. ; very impress­ ive in conversation. lYutj, his coat was in that condition sometimes described as Shabby, and his shoes had certainly seen better days, bat the Hon. Fayke explained that, he was just re­ turning from a lengthened sojourn in his tin mines in the Black Hills. Of course it was im­ possible in that beastly mining camp to ob­ serve all those little amenities of the toilet ha was accustomed to at his villa on the Hudson. He was on his way, so he said, to look after his beet sugar interests in the Bouth of France, but hearing that there were indications of tin in the vicinity of Ponca, had thought the rumor rortli investigating. The Hon. W. McClellan Fayke, Esq., visited the bluffs near the town, in company witH the Mayor and a few influential citizens, aeeured Borne specimens which be submitted to mysteri­ ous teste In the privacy of his apartments, and announced that Ponca was underlaid by an Immense storehouse of mineral wealth of avalue too stupendous for the mind of man to con­ ceive. He was immediately elected president, manager and treasurer of the Ponca Consolidat­ ed Comstock Mineral and Mining Company, and urged to push the development of the store­ house to the utmost. Ileal estate values at once soared skyward, until back lots reached a figure more than equal to the total assessed valuation of the county. Everybody quit work, affected high rubber boots and talked of leads, tunnels and countershafts. Meanwhile, Hon. W. McClellan Fayke, Esq., needed a few articles of wearing apparel. His steward had neglected to make the remittance he had ordered--been on a drunk, perhaps--and to tell the truth he was a little embarrassed. Of course, he would make it warm for that stew­ ard, but for the present he must crave a little in­ dulgence, awkward as it waij. The tailor was proud to be. able to favor such a public benefactor with the best igi his shop, and begged him not to worry himself about tne pay ; the barber drove other customers out of his chair to attend to Hon. Fayke's toilet, and relied water reaching to his armpits and rapidly gain-k ing on his mouth. He was hauled out by means- of a rope thrown over his shoulders, loaded into', a buggy and driven away shivering and swearing. The next issue of the Weekly Palladium con­ tained the following: "Our little citv was thrown Into quite'a flurry of .excitement on Independence itay by the r He next notifies an equestrian that patriotism la abroad in the laud. THE FOURTH OT JtriiT ORATOR. "AIM NOW, THOU ADOBXT> or KT HKABT. arrest of Hon. W. McClellan Fayke, Esq., by a coiyile of detectives just as he was beginning an oririon. We learn that his real name is Bill McClellan, or 'Billy the Slick Tin.' He ia wanted in Illinois to finish a fifteen years' term for burglary. Also an indictment is waiting fon him for counterfeiting in Kentucky. We algosj": learn that a New York Judge would like to bear him explain how he came to forget to procura divoroos from his other wives before he married"9 the third time. The committee was thus leffe without the oration they had advertised s<) much, and the celebra* ion came very near end­ ing up In a riot in consequence. We are £lad of it. We offered eonie time ago to deliver the oration ourselves fi-eo gratis. But no; the com­ mittee must, hire the Hon. Fayke at an expense of $50. The committee will have to make up this amount themselves as well as about $200 more that the Hon. Fayke collected for them but forgot to turn over. The Ponca Con­ solidated Comstock Mineral and Mining Com- pany ia ffiso left to the extent of $3,000 by Hon. Fayke's management. In fact, nearly every man in our city mourns the Hon. Fayke's de­ parture from $10 to $100 worth, and we under­ stand that a certain ladv's property came very near going alang with the rtst." upon the Honorable's generous memory for the score; the landlord of the Prince House ran- Hacked the Ponca market for .viands to tickle the distinguished guest's palate, and left the reckoning to his own good time. Every issue of the Weekly Palladium con­ tained from four to a dozen Items concerning the Hon. Fayke, and was particularly lavish in praise of tue financial skill he displayed In raising funda on what, thanks to his untiring efforts and the modest assistance of the Pal­ ladium, promised to be the grandest Fourth of July cel/wration the county had ever wiUiess- , ed. the street one day, the Hon. Fayke chivalrously kicked a hungry cur that refused to get out ol the way of Miss Erminie Moflf&tt, a maiden of Turk's Me. ? How SMALL BOY--Ma, can me and Sadly have some cake ? Parent--Johnny^pt must remember to speak grammatic­ ally. Small Boy--All riirht. Can I uncertain years and romantic ideas, who had $6,000 to her credit in the Ponca National Bank, and the lady acknowledged the courtesy by fainting in tiiBttrmtt. From that moment'the Hon. Fit) rke became her ardent admirer. Behold iilin this lovely summer morning up­ on Misn Erminie Moffatt'e front stoop. ' ' "And now, thou adored of nay heart, i fain must tear myself from thy lovely arm#, but ' for a little while, only a little while." Finding kind Uncle John asleep on the back porch, he thinks it would be great fun to give him a little Fourth of July lyirprise. U Misleading Signs* "You talk about being t aken in\? <Kl£& a drummer; "an incident occurred dur­ ing my last journey which, besides proving of interest to your readers, may serve as a caution to many. Last month I was in Chicago, and having t reason to believe that a certain large house in the center of the city required just such stock as I had, I determined to visit it. On arriving outside of that firm's Elace of business, which covered neatly alf a block, I noticed a stairway, over which was a sign reading: 'Entrance for Commercial Travelers.' Naturally thinking that the office of the buyer was in that direction, I mounted the Btairs with rising hopes. At the top was a long passage with similar signs pointing straight along. At the end of the corridor there was a turn and more stairs, this time leading downward. The signs continued to show the way. At the bottom I opened a door, with a sigh of relief, and found myself--in the street. I had simply walked up one stairway, through a long hall and down another stairway, to where I had start­ ed five minutes before." I Which" is duly/ acknowledged by kind Uncle John in a way calculated to disco . ... , ,y ; 1 A Trkto-Car Story# ; . A fair friend of ours was traveling in a tram-ear tne other day. When the conductor came round to collect the fares she had so much difficulty in get­ ting at her pocket that he left her, meaning to return as, soon as he fin­ ished the round of the car. However, he forgot all about the matter. In the meantime onr friend extricated her money from its hiding-place, and was expecting him to come back for it, when the inspector came in to examine tickets, and finding she had none, gave the conductor a sound blowing-up for his negligence. After he had gone, the unfortunate conductor remonstrated with the young lady for getting him into so mijch trouble, adding, in a stage whisper, "it might have been wuss, though. He thought you was my sweet­ heart, or he'd ha' got me the sack." MRS. QUEEIST--I hear that*your di­ vorce suit is finished, Marie. What are you going to do next ? Mrs. Queerish-- Go to work on a new wedding drees, of course. . ,M"H I ) i WHEK poverty oomes in at the cot* tage door, true We'goes at it with an Packer, One of the most prominent figures in the vernal hegira was that of Sen­ ator Ingalls, who has at last pulled up bis lares, etc,, and gone to Kanmm with bis wife and seven children. I made a neighbor's call and spent a pleasant hour the other evening at their castellated home opposite the Capitol. The Senator was away making the last arrangements, and the pretty little girls swarmed over the house, exhilarated over the homeward journey next day. "Now, Mrs. Ingalls." said a lady of the party, "we must not stay a minute, but say a hasty good-by, for you are do­ ing your last packing." "No, I am not hurried," she said, "and have next to nothing to pack. Every­ thing is packed. Mr. Ingalls did it. I tell you it is a great thing to have a hus­ band who is so helpful and effective as mine is." ' "How does he get time for every thing?" I asked. "It puzzles me," said Mrs. Ingalls, "but lie does. I am glad, every day of my life, that I married a good packer and a good buyer," and she laughed with us at the characterization of the leader of the American legislation. She went on: "Mr. Ingalls has fairly spoiled me by lii« universal usefulness. He can do inst anything, btsy a horse shrewdly and he can build a house as it should be built, and he su­ perintends the cutting and' sale of our w.ood at home and the running of a farm. To be an editor and a lawyer is* common-place, but James can be trusted to select buttons and match ribbon! What do you think of that? He buys our carpets and curtains and portieres, and they harmonize. He can do the marketing. Now and then he picks out a bonnet down town and fetches it home to me. He can select the girls' clothes as well as I can. "One day when I was home at Atchi­ son, a big box came to me by express from Washington. J opened it and found two dresses--handsome dresses, brand new. I saw at once a mistake had been made, for I had not ordered any costumes, and I began to pack them away again and wait until the address J-fvJ "Mv -- -- CW*. IT muu W.. AUKH1AO VUUiO 1$ "DOBS Miss Hysee sing?" asked ft traveling man of a 'friend who had jusfcintroduced him to a young lady. "WelL that's largely a ^matter of faith. "I don't understand you." "II depends altogether on which you be­ lieve, her mother or her neighbors." THB man who always pays down is - , *• " up from town I told him about it and wondered whose they were. I got them and exhibited them to him--one a rich gray silk and the other a lovely lace robe. He acted puzzled about it, but st*id I had better try them on and if they fitted me, keep them till called for. I did. They fitted like a glove. The ontcome of the inquiry was that he had voluntarily got them for me when he was in Washington a month before. He selected the silk and th^/ lace and all the materials and carried them to the modiste who had my measure and there they were! This lace dress I have on this minute is one of the tropliietf that occasion.--Philadelphia Time*. ' . '/• tiot Mad. A German keeps a swimming-school for ladies in the upper part of this city and enjoys the patronage of some of the most elegant, well as the loveliest girls in New York. He teaches these fair creatures to swim by suspending them in a belt at the end of a swinging- ing pole, and making them count the movements of the arms and limbs. After this sort of treatment he sends them afloat with a life-preserver, and later On starts them off without any support. After they can swim fairly well he teaches them to dive from a board which projects over" the bank. Being a quick-tempered man, this Ger­ man gets very agry at an especially timid girl who refuses to obey him. The professor was trying to teach a beautiful young lady to dive, but she could not get up courage enough to shoot forward when he gave the word, and after a long time of trembling and objection the teacher began to lose his temper. There the girl stood at the end of the board with her pink arms raised above her head, her shapely feet pressed together, and her little skirt bobbling coquettishly. She made a sweet picture, but every time the teacher shouted "Go!" she would say in a frightened voice, "Oh, I can't." Finally the German could not control liimseif, and walking up behind the girl ho pushed her headlong into the tank. There was a cry, a Hash of feet, a loud splash, and a" general churning of the tank. No sooner had this happened than a big, broad-shouldered girl, who had been standing near by, came bound­ ing toward the professor. She raised ^er fist and struck him a scientific clip on the side of the head, sprawling him off the board into the water.' When he had recovered himself and got out ol the water, he looked aghast at the girl who had struck him. ^ . "You hussy!" he cried, "what for you haf struck m«?" "For luck," came the answer in good masculine tones. "I have kept mighty quiet in your school for two weeks, but when you pushed that girl round like a bag of meal I had to declare myself, I'm a man." That is the story'exactly as it is being told at the New York Athletic Club, and it is entertaining whether true 91 not.--New York Sun. ;t The Decay or "Spanking." Among the good old customs coming into disuse that of spanking the coming generation into behaving itself is lead­ ing the procession. There are no such spankiugs now as there used to be in my time, and I am sorry for it. Things in,the spank line are certainly degeu- earting along with the drama, the flavor j of strawberries, and phenomenal weather as the years go by. Children just entering the heated base-burning epoch of spankhood now have "nerves" and must be humored. They get to balking and skulking, and the family physician is called in when the good old housewife remedy of a warm appli* | cation is all that is needed.-^ Chicago Inter Ocean. . C * The Pickerel's Wek.B*» r A fisherman at Winthrop tells that he caught a piekerel through the ice on Lake Maranocook last January, and found in its stomach a roll of undi­ gested bank bills amounting to $300. He thinks that the money was lost by a sporting man whose boat was upset on the lake more than a year &ga.--Bangor . Commercial. CHINESE doctors have a high regard for a medicine which they make from white and red coral, rubies, pearls, em­ eralds, and m*sk, all crushed into minute powders, made into pills with gum and rose water and coated with gold leaf. "They come high, but we must have 'eni," say they, in cases of small-pox and other infectious fevers. This jewel of a medicine is exceptionally gilt-edged, for most Chinese medicines are cheap and nasty. -- DT. Foottts Health Monthly. THB Queen of Greece is a clever art- ghe proUbty WASHBD a thore--The oeea#• Aw elevated road--The milty way. " A BITTER pill to swallow--a quinifee pill. Jr it's a fair question, what dpii 'ffcw oost to board a train? * ONE object of a combine is buyin'. Then comes the selling, THE coal dealer sometimes, by mis­ take, gives the cart driver a weigh. COLTS should avoid exfiosnre. They might take cold and beeotM a littfe hoarse. TEACHER--What is an unknowa quantity? Coal dealer's son--What you get when you buy a ton of coal." "WHAT is the matter with that man?" "They say he suffers from melancholia." "What does he do?" "He's a humor­ ist." .ELSIE--I am going to marry the apothecary. Aggie -Oh! how nice. He'll trust us for vanilla cream now. 'AH! Charley, back from New York- eh? How did you like the centennial "Immense! The biggest bar I ever saw in my life." "I TOLD you, my dear," said the can­ nibal's wiff, "not, to ««>• that country* man. He was too green, atd now you've got the morbus again." « QUITE Natural: Bliffkens--See hgwi Cabley, the rain is soaking through tbh roof. Does it always leak?. CableyAr No, sur, only win it rains! THE O'Biggar met a friend--Well met, Timothy. Will you dine with me to­ day ? The O'B. scratched his head- To-day is it? Bedad, I can't answer ye off hand, but I'll drop ye a line to-mor­ row. Managing a boy. Husband (a liter­ ary man)--I wish you would stop watch­ ing little Dick for p while. Wife--But if I don't watch him he'll be in mischief. "Yes, that's what I mean. When he's in mischief, he's quiet, and I want to write." "HONESTY is the best policy," said the old farmer, sententiously, to the au­ dience in the village store. "Not much," said the brisk insurance agent on the cracker barrel, suddenly waking up. "My company has got a policy that beats that out of sight." HE (of poetical, oast, to sweetheart)--> How beautiful and soul inspiring is th&i spring day. The trees are putting forth the buds preparatory to assuming their gorgeous summer raiment; how sweet the flowers smell; how--confound them flies around my head." A LITTLE girl, on her visit to the country for the first time, an exchange relates, had never seen a cow before, and after watching the milking process with eyes full of astonishment, drew, near, and placing her hand on the cow's • side, exclaimed: "Why, she's chock full of it, isn't she?" "HAVE you any prayer books?" said a- lady in a Wood street bookstore. "We have the Episcopal." "Oh, I don't want one of them! I can't tell you exactly what I do want. But you see I have been elected president of our missionary society, and must lead in prayer, and I want a book of -prayer to learn how., f > FRED (bringing in a pail of water)"* Mammfc, I sat the pail down at the pump, went into the barn, and when I came out, I found it full of water. Mamma--Perhaps John pumped it for you. No; he is in town. Mamma-- Well,I don't know; who could have d6ne it. Fred (demurely)--Oh, I pumped it myself before I went into the barn. MR. BREFE LESS--Did you read the account of my heroio rescue of a child from under the feet of a runaway team? Miss Edith--No, I think not. Mr. Brefe Less--Oh, yes, the paper had nearly a quarter of a column about it, Jifv headed "Heroism of a Prominent Young Attorney." Miss Edith--Why, yes, I saw the headlines, but I never dreamed of it being you!"--Torn. Haute Express. • v : SEEDY Stranger--I have here, ft s? couple of articles which I think would interest your readers. Editor--Well, sir, what are' their subjects? Seedjr |f Stranger--They are editorials. One is ' on "The Business Situation,"(and the other "Advice to young men as to get- ; g ting on in life." Editor--If you will te leave them we will look them Over. Seedy Stranger--Thank you; but if you S would only advance me 5 cents it would be a great favor. I should like to buy a neat but gaudy sandwich. ^¥ AH ME! "Can you tell me, my deer--" * sr-, . ..4 *;Then lie snuggled up near ' v " ' 1 expedite verbalization-- 4 •«*' •>, ., .<*' :*Why this trim little waist y5 f.t Where my arm is now placed . •I * ' • " " Ia like to a post-trader's station?*' "W1 Ain't you awful?" she said, - "Tho' ahe ne'er set her head •/ • • fathom his wit's shallow soundings. • ; But he, to her side " "r\-i * pruwing nearer, replied: . - ' • "It's because of its arm-y surroundings. „ ; j.1" _ --Tankers Gazette. , ^ 111 Too Great Haste. > 'S i Bang! went a pistol in the alley fil, - j rear of a Jefferson avenue saloon yester- ^ day forenoon, and next moment a man fl in his shirt-sleeves rushed out the back door of the saloon, caught sight of ft ... man with a rev&lver in his hand, andr >}•:, rushing upon him, cried out: | "You miserable scoundrel f but get v* out o' this, or I'll break every bone in your bod !" "Whoa--hold on--what--M y "Git! git! shouted the man, fishing v him down the alley. "Don't you think ' of stopping for at least ten doors I" "Let go of me! What do you mean T*;>_ ^ "I mean that you can't shoot yourself J| at my back door. That game has been played on me half a dozen times, and Jp it's almost busted my business*' Go down by the hardware store." * I "Shoot myself! Why, I shot a rat! ^ There he is by that barrel." "Oh, that's it! Well, exouse nje, and (some in and take a drink. I was a little * 1 hasty, perhaps, but business is business. ' * When a crowd comes to look at a dead . 3 body, no one ever drinks, while the pa­ pers always have a shy at the saloon. Must protect ourselves, you know, and excuse me and come in."--Detroit Sf <w Press. -,v'J-r? Something He Didn't Knew. The other day two well-known He­ brew clothing merchants who have been bosom friends for years took lunch to­ gether in a private room of a popular* restaurant. They had an elaborate lay­ out, consisting of pates, oold asparagus, and other similar delicacies, topping oft with a frapped pint of "white seal* wine. As they sat sipping the spark­ ling beverage and pulling at fragrant - perfectos the elder man said to the other: - "I zay, Isaae, vere in de vorldt do you subbose dese Gristians ged all of da < money day gif do us?" M And Isaac replied: "Benny, I gtlt imachine vere."--Chicago Herald. * '-«= PEOPLE who* are fond of eggs take • more interest in the hen's than in the i M i •p - 1 - « •