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*#'"* 1 vOls x ; f < k ,. 1 "' • iW.l, 4' *?<>' TWRKK TBINOS I CRAVE 7r" IWt aoWABD H. 91/!*?A ' f,li§ MtfW tMng« I crave within thin l<w»*r v#!*/1' '*'; ! Thrrw things to me stiprpmolr s^oat, ' ffcbugb In posm-snioii of all el « I'd fail, Tbf»-o would iilone iu*ke lit'! complete; And •werp those ^rncious boons vouchsafed to "•*• '•"* 2il6, \* ' No ting nor potentate could <t» i\ '*» V with me, in proud and reffal livery, Or boast suchliappinesa as I. .* ^ ^ 0#e thing I cravo i» health, that I may in, "With filmlens and enjoying eye, Xaffe's varied scenes as thay rovolve to rue, Earth's charm* that in mv pathway ttt; That mind exempt from servitude of pain, And h nBt> undimmod by mist of test* Hay glean «t will the flowers or rolden grata Entw ined within the sheaf of years. Contentment is another thing I orava, That what soe'er may be ray lot, » Tbat whatsoe'er th« wordly store I havo,iv I may submit and nrarnint not; What whether Fame and Fortuue pass Or Mammon Hlia.ll my srate deiide, I all 8.1! not be disposed to oven sign, ' Silt with my lot be satisfied. To make my life a flooded stream of blisa, " Delight a all comprehending plan, She only thing 1 c ave in this : The good will of my fellnw man ; Star should my life its nobler end attain. O'erruled by love's supernal grace, OOd's own good will ma v be my endless glfii . When 1 shnll meet him "face to face.. 'tfmo York Press, BEULAH. BY OI'IK P. RKADw Pi?4; m. Alexson kept a cross-roads •tore in a sparsely inhabited part of Tennessee. He fras rather a fat old fel­ low, a condition doubtless brought about by his close association with but­ ter, bacon and axle-gi'ease, for every Other man in titeneighborhood was lean "With that lankness so characteristic of the Southern backwoodsman. The most striking of Jasper's charac- • teristics was his love for his daughter Reulali, a handsome girl whose name had been taken from an absurdly ro­ mantic not to say . flamboyant novel which, years ago, had found its way into the neighborhood. Beulah, however, was not so romantic as her fictitious namesake, unless a certain vein of vio­ lence can be regarded as romance, for nothing seemed to delight her so much as standing about on hog-killing day, watching the red gush of an expiring sow; and, indeed, I have been told that she once filled a dog with number six shot and then laughed gleefully at his dfeath-inspiring howls. One day a fellow named Jim Buok, a pretended farmer, an actual slouch and the lankest of the lank, entered Jasper's store and calling the old man from his thrilling work of weighing a few pounds of blue-looking butter which an old negro had brought to exchange for a cast-iron plow, thus addressed him:, "Old man, you've noticed me "around here a good deal lately, haven't you ?" "W'y, I don't know that I have, Jim," the old man answered, wiping his greasy hands on the bosom of his hick­ ory shirt. "The fact is, I have been so busy lately with this here rushin' life of commerce that I haven't had time to notice anything." "Not even Beulah?" Jim asked. "What do you mean?" the old man demanded, somewhat gruffly. "What's Beulah got to do with anything that mout consarn you?" f "Don't fly off the handle, as the boy said to the axe. I wanted to know if Ku had noticed me around here much »ly, an' you 'lowed that you had been too busy to notice anything, an' then I asked if you had been too busy to no- tioe Beuiah, an' that's whar the matter now." I wanter know why you mention NK'*, ^ yt * - "Fust-rate, Jas." "NoV, Jim, didn't I tell you the truth ? Ain't she a jewel ?" "She is fur a faek, Jas." ; "A plum jewel, Jimmy." V "A regular plum jewel, Jas." - ^ "Glad you know it for yctvelt. Set down an' we'll eat a box of sardines." He did not see Jim again until two weeks later. T^en the son-in-law en­ tered the store. » "W'y, bless my soul, here is Jiml" exclaimed the old man. "Haven't seen ha'r nur hide of you for some time. How's the jewel ?"' -She's all right. What's cheese sellin' at ?" * "Bout 15 cents a pound. Why hasn't the jewel been over to see me ?" "Don't know. Let me have about a ha'fer pound." s. The old man wanted to talk, but Jink, declaring that he was "shoved fortune," hastened away. One morning, four days later, Jim entered the store again. "W'y, helloa, Jim, old boy. Walk back. * How is the jewel this mornin' ?" Tve got to go over an- git the hogs outen the field," Jim responded. "Sorry they air in yo' field, Jim. Is the jewel well ?" "Give me a pound of nails," said Jim. Three weeks passed before Jim again entered 4he store. ' # , " W'y, bless me, here he is!" exclaimed the old man. "Never was as glad to see anybody. How's the jewel ?" "Old man," said Jim, beginning to take off his coat, "you are in for it." "In fcr what, Jim?" 1 "For a thrashing" Jim replied, throw­ ing liis coat on the counter. " You've worked this jewel business till I'm sick ,of it, and the last time I was here I 'lowed to myse'f that ef you said jewel to me again I'd wallop you an' I'm goin' to do it. Jewel, is she ? See this!"-- pointing to a blister on his ear-- "punched me tliar with the burnin' end of a stick' tuther day. See this!"-- rolling up his sleeve and showing an ugly wound on his arm--"bit me thar Sunday night. D© you know whut else has happened ? Filled the calves of my l#gs with bird shot an' then run away with a feller that peddles tin w'ar, an' now you want to know how the jewel is. Come out fram behind that box for I'm going to whale yon. Won't doit? Then I'll fetch you. I'll let you know that I am considerable of a jewel myself. I'm a pearl, I am. Come out." There was a loud spat, followed by a heavy fall. The old man had struck Jim in the countenance with a pound of country butter. "Hold on," said Jim. when he had regained his feet, "that ain't my way of fightin'. I don't mind a man shootin' at me, an' I don't object to bein' hit with a shinny stick, but when a man stops up the valves of my countenance with soap grease, w'y, then, I'm done. Ef yon ever have any more jewelry to dispose of, don't count me in. Good bye." The old man wiped his greasy hands on the bosom of his hickory shirt-- Arkansaw Traveler. 1, I jest wanter know ef yon have the powerful strong affection 'that has been growin* up betwixt us ever sence the protracted meetin' over at Station Camp Creek last fall ?" The old man sat down on a keg of nails and wove his greasy fingers to­ gether. "Jim, you don't mean to say that you are in love with Beulah, do _ you?" L >' "I not only mean to say it, Jas, but 4 - d® say it right out" , , /tv i "iSut do she love you, Jimi?* v ' , *Shedo." -I 1 * How do you know?" Aj- * 'Cause she 'lows she dowi* A . , „ *Wall, ef that's the case.* isaid the , °ld man, "I reckon she -do, but I'm 'f- r powerfully sorry, Jim." $K "Why, Jas? Ain't I alius traded ^ with you ? Didn't I buy a haffer side ̂ , of bacon from you last spring?" - "That's all true enough, Jim, but I've life 4 W big hopes for her. I wanted her to marry somebody that amounted to %'•' •omething." "Don'fc I amount to nothin'?" "Wall, hardly, Jim. You're 'Mil- headed, liungry-iookin', knock-kneed, an' your front teeth air out." "Yes, kicked out by a steer," .Tim interposed. , "That don't make no diffunce, Jim. My daughter ain't called on to put up with the cavortin's of a steer, an' it don't make no diffunce how you lost ' your teeth. The p'int is that von ain't got none." » "Now, here, Jas," said Jim, placing Wis hand on the old man's shoulder, ' ef the fack that I ain't got no teeth in the biggest objection, w'y, I kin have some . jput in this fall ef the crop turns out all right." Craps air mighty uncertain, Jim, " W-jn General Grant's Sorrowing Widow* Mrs. General Grant is reported to be in good physical health, but mentally depressed. She seems to be in a con­ tinued state of lethargy and perfectly indifferent to current events. Books are neglected, magazines remain uncut and letters unopened. Shei3 excused to callers and accepts no invitations, many of them being answered by messenger weeks after the event for * which they were issued. She reads her husband's books over and over again, and from their pages seems to get as much com­ fort as a Christian from lib Bible. The medallions, medals, and miniatures in marble and carved metal once prized by the illustrious Soldier are regarded with reverence, and in fits of abstraction she will sit for houri polishing the one she happens to take up, ruinir.g her hand­ kerchief or a lace tidy Jin the operation. Whenever she drives out the coachman goes to the tomb and, if there are no visitors about, stops at the path, and his mistress alights, goes to the en­ trance and stands before it with her face pressed against the iron bars. At the approach o| strangers the scund of • a whip-lash is heard, the signal for the | lonely, sorrowing woman to withdraw. [ The most devoted affection is manifested ! by her children, from whom she receives all manner of mementoes and letters daily, although she does not write to any of them. Of late she has been in­ convenienced by rheumatic pains in her knees and feet, making it difficult for her to wear leather shoes.--New York World. Cleveland and White Cravats. One of tfie incidents of President Cleveland's visit to Boston is too rich material for a modem farce to be al­ lowed to pass unrecorded. When the ex-President was at the Yendome attir­ ing himself for the banquet, Leopold Morse dropped in upon him to tender him the freedom of the city. The ex- President was perplexed about some­ thing, and when Mr. Morse was told that Mrs. Cleveland had omitted to put a few white cravats in Mr. Clevelands grip-sack, Mr. Morse, who was in full j evening rig, at once took his own white 'specially as it looks like we mout have ! I - once.too*1 m8 wuue • drouth this year, an' besides that, I ^er from his neck and insisted upon wanted Beulah to marry a lawyer, or the ex'Presldent 8 acceptance of the doctor, or somethin'." "Too late now, Jas, for acceptance same. Descending to the parlor with­ out a cravat, he gave a verbal message to a colored boy to run over to his house and ask Mrs. Morse to send him the needed article. The colored boy, labor- Wall," the old man replied, getting I rlU"der tbe ion that "the ex- and aeain winincr his handn on the , . K essmani esidedopposite the hotel, instead of a block below, made lii3 de- we've dun Biade up onr minds, an' air goin' to marry whuther you give yo' consent or not." s Hp and again wiping his hands on the " bosom of his hickory shirt, "I reckon you'll hatter take her. bat you must fecolleck one thing, Jimmy, an' that's £his: you've got a jewel." , "I will, Jas." I "She's too good fur any human ban', ' Jfim." r . ,, "I know that, Jas." • ./£% * Jim, she's a plum jewel." > Jim and Beulah were married. It .. was£ great event in the neighborhood, '. And many a chicken squawled and many a young pig squealed, for old Jasper spread a g»eat feast. Just as the bride and groom were about to de- s ©art for their home, Jasper, after em- : bracing his daughter, turned to Jim : And said: C "Jim, don't you never fail to ricol- •. .leek." "Ricolleck what?" Beulah asked. •:> "That you air a jewel, my dear." * "Don't be foolish, pap." j r "I ain't foolish, honey, fur ef you ain't n plum jewel thar never was one AWKWARP CHRISTENINGS. Kaabmrrasa I n | Moments at tti« Font. _ A number of clergyrtien were chat­ ting the other day over a dinner at Clark's, given by a church club, when the conversation turned on the old style of dictatorial preachers who used to bully their flooks and attempt to lay down the law for their temporal as well as spiritual guidance. "I remember a ludicrous instance of the kind," said one, "when two of his humble parishioners came before the little pope of a backwoods circuit and brought their baby to be baptized. " 'What name do you give this child?' he said. "Now the woman lisped and the preacher was rather deaf, so that when she replied 'Luthy, tliir!' meaning 'Lucy, sir,' he started bade in surprise. " 'What ?' he ejaculated. "'Luthy, thirl' repeated the embar­ rassed mother. >p " 'Lucifer!' thundered the outraged pastor. 'Nonsense, woman. Would you name your child after the devil? I would as soon cali him Judas Iscariot,' and dipping his hand in the font he stifled the infant's squeals with a liberal dose of the water full in, its mouth, adding with unction? \ " 'John Wesley, I baptize thee.' "And the trembling parents, accus­ tomed to letting the old man have his way in all things, went quietly out with their little girl bearing that famous, if not exactly feminine, name." "That's a pretty good story," said an­ other of the party," and reminds me of a somewhat similar, though not so funny, case, where the parents wanted to call the child Julius Csesar, but the minister, remarking severely, 'None of your heathen names,' dubbed it Simon Peter. But that class of parishoners who are willing to submit their own will to the pastor's whim is not com­ mon, nowadays, in cities anyway, and any preacher who attempted such a thing would be likely to get a piece of her mind from the good wife. I re­ member unwittingly offending such a one when I wa3 young in the ministry. "I had performed the ceremony and was making out the certificate and reg­ istering the christening in my buok. Forgetting the day of the month, I said to the father: " 'Let me see--this is the twelfth, is it not?" ' " 'The twelfth,' broke in the indig­ nant young mother. 'It's only the sec­ ond, and you baptized the first yourself. If you visited us oftener you would not make such absurd mistakes. The twelfth, indeed !' "It took me some time to assure her that I had intended no reflection on her age." "I used to feel awful nervous over baptisms before I got married and had children of my own," added another of the clergymen, "when I had to take tbe baby from its mother's arms before the whole congregation. I never failed to grab it the wrong way, it seemed to me at first, and I invariably eet the most placid youngster bawling, greatly to my embarrassment and to the delight of young people in the congregation. One day a good old mother in Israel on whom I was calling, excused herself from the room for an instant and came back bearing a clever and' prettty babe, her grandchild. " 'I have made up my mind, Mr. M ,' she said, 'from watching vou handle the babies that are brought to you for baptism, that you need a few lessons in the art. Now I propose to give you them, here in private, with the baby as an object-leseon, and nobody will be any the wiser, but your own comfort, as well as that of the congre­ gation, not to speak of tbe babies', will be greatly increased.' " 'I was a little staggered at first by the novel proposition, but soon fell into the humor of it, and after a few in­ structions from the old lady's stock of motherlore, I dandled that child like a father of twins, and soon became so ex­ pert that I have quieted many asquawl- ing child at the font and restored it to its mother's arms cooing ,and soothed. In fact, I found out long after I was married that my wife first'took a liking1 to,me, as they say, from seeing the masterly way in which I quieted a particularly bad baby, which had set the whole congregation a-fidgetting." I once met a case," the speaker added, "where a young couple whom 1 had married at the same altar came to me to baptise their first child. The father was unusually young and abashed, and looked even younger than he was. The wife was self-possessed enough, and bad evidently coached him for the ceremony. His embarrassment was so great, however, that when I said to him, in the due course Qf the service, Name this child,' he looked helplessly at his better half. "1 thought he had forgotten the name, and so did the congregation, some of whom began to smile. "Tbe wife nudged him, however, and he woke up, answering in a clear voice; 'I will.' The ceremony of his last visit to that altar was still fresh in his mind, as it was indeed in the minds of many pres­ ent, and liis'pat reply tickled them so that it was with difficulty decent order was preserved."--New York Tribune. mands known at the residence of E. Rollins Morse. The request, after some hesitation, was complied with, and the ex-Congressman received, not one cravat, but two, neatly infolded in a mouchoir with embossed initials. The mystery was finally explained and the banquet went on.--Boston Journal. Logical. An Irish dog-fancier, being asked about the pedigree of some pups he was offering for sale, replied. "Oh, they be rale shepherd dpgs. beka^e they come from Shepherdy." An'equally logical con elusion was reached by a soldier of the expedition into Afghanistan. His at­ tention had been attracted by the sheep of that country, which are famous for the siz ? and fatness of their tails. A lot of these sheep, purchased by the commissariat, having been brought into camp to be slaughtered for the t i outen the bottom of the sea. Good- p, bye, precious, an' don't furgit to come ^ over an' see me once in awhile, an', Jim, J$|. let me charge you ag'ia not to. furgit." - Several days afterward Jim eame into * ' old Jaspers store. . "W'y. good morn'n', Jimmy, good ^ mornin'1" exclaimed the the old man, ft"*•' w iping his battery hand* on the bosom r^"~ of his hickory ahfrt. "How is the jewel I s . this morin'2 , . soldiers, two Irishmen stood retrardine 1 them with wonder. "I'm a-thinkin', Larry, how do they get them big tails?" exclaimed one of them. * "Aisy enough, Paddy, my boy. Don't you see they do always be grazing up hill, and by coorse the fat runs down into their tails?" A CUNNINO money-changer is" God; He will take no base coin.--St. Ber- nan\. '" « Finally, Johnson's wife died, his cabin burned down, and his son got in jail, all in one week. The Colonel saw his opportunity and pressed iiis offer, which was a realfy fair one, but Johnson held out for two weeks. Then he agreed that if he couldn't raise $50 by a cer­ tain day he would sell out. When the day was up the Colonel was around, fully expecting his efforts would be crowned with glory, but Mr. Johnson showed him a $100 bill and said: "You Fee, I got de money, Mars Mc- Rae--fifty mo" d&n I counted on." "Jiut how in the devil did you raise $100?" , , ; .. "De LfcWd Bfetit it." - •""1" " Bosh! Who lent »it "Found it right on the railroad track where de kyars curve around de hill, an' Ize got witnesses to prove it. It's a sign that I hadn't orter sell my lot, and so it won't be any twe fur you to come any mo? "I'll give you $400 f<» you lotsj? "J "'Deed, no sah." 5 " "Six hundred." • ' '" J* "No, sah." k "Say, I'll give you seVen, and that's $200 more than they areswoi-th." "Mars MaRae, Ize much obliged, but I can't dim sell fur two millyons. De Lawd dun sent me a hundred as a sign to hold on right dar, an' I hain't gwine to frow mud at de Lawd by sellin' out for the next twenty y'ars." Everything Is on the Spread and the Effect Thereof. "A fellow has got to spread hisself these days to keep up with the proces­ sion," said old man Plunkett, as he puffed at his pipe and turned his chair to face the group at $»e fireside. "Everything is on the spread. When the railroads started they were tiny things and every fool farmer in my set­ tlement was flinging up his hat for 'em to spread and they spread and they keep on spreading till its got so they are big.things, mighty big things, and now farmers have to spread themselves to keep from getting run over. I told 'em so. * # "When old Jeremiah Jefferson got up what they called a new departure in our old Hardshell meeting house down in Pike, and had some curtains drawed ercross one corner for the wimin's feet to be washed behind, it was er small thing, but the same desire for depart­ ures spread and kept er spreading till the old church has been crowded out and you'd have to spread yourself now to ever find a genuine old Hardshell Baptist. We've got. choirs and organs, and some of 'em is beginning to toot er brass horn in the churches and still we keep on departing, and the truth is that we'vQ got to depart to keep up with the procession, and it does me good to hear 'em whine erbouti Ingersoll and the" Salvationists and the Mormons, and sich like, for I told 'em so. "If this thing don't stop the church is er goner, tbe Christian religion iser goner, society is er goner and the Lord will give this old world a back-handed lick some morning before breakfast and then I'll smile, for 1 told 'em so." 1 Sign to Abide. The reluctance of the colored brother to part with a piece of real estate once bearing a deed in his name was well illustrated in a case at Lebanon, Tenn A Col, McRae bought a fine piece of suburban property, but it was incom plete without two acres belonging to a colored man named Johnson. Know­ ing the nature of the mau he hesitated to approach him on the subject, but finally met him as if by accident and eaid: "Mr. Johnson, I've been expecting that you would make me an offer for that land over there." "Shoo, now, Marse McRae, but you'n knows I can't buy dat." "But I'll sell cheap. %I made a| bad move when I bought there. This town isn't going to grow in that direction at all, but just the opposite. I'll give you a big bargain on that lot." "Much obleeged, Marse McRea, but Ize a pore man--mighty pore. Lawd only knows how Ize gwine to* git freu dis y'ar." "I'll sell it for half what it cost me." "Deed, sah, but if you'd sell the hnll lot for $2 I couldn't buy it" Having sowed the seed, the Colonel went away to let it take root, and a week later "happened" to meet Mr. John­ son and to carelessly observe: "Well, ain't you going to aocept my offer?" * "Deed, no, Marsa McRae." "It seems to me that all that land ought to belong to one person." "Yes, it does, sah." "I'll either se'l or buy." / "But I can't buy and I d >ri*t want to sell." The Colonel kept at him for two long years, bat he got no satisfaction. A Narrow Escape. Two Old-time negroes met in the road. "Good mawin', Mr. Green, good mawn- in'sah." "Good mawin' ter yo'se'f, Mr. Jack­ son. How's you gittin' erlong?" "Fust rate, 'ceptin' er little trouble in de congregation once in er while. Doan hab no trouble in yo' ehnrcb, does you ?" "Better blebe I does, sah; better blebe dat fack. De bruders and de sisters gets ter rarin' an' er chargin' ever once in er while, an' ef I didn' stay right dar plum by 'em ever* thing would go ter rack an' ruin. Wall, now, com- in' down frum de fam'ly o' de Lawd ter de fam'ly o' de flesh, how's yo' own folks gittin' erlong?" "Putty well, 'siderin'." "How's dem twins?" "We ain't got no twins." "Look yere, you doan mean ter tell me dat you ain't got no twins down ter yo' house." "Yes, I does." "But yon did hab twhw down dar, didn'you?" "No, not twins, but lemtae tell you we'se eome in one o' it ten times--jest Come in one." "Wall, I knowed you eider had twins down dar ur a 'mighty norrer skape. Good mawnin', sah. I mus' go on down yander an look atter de fam'ly o' de Lawd."--Arkanww Traveler. . Hb First and Last. M. Jules Simon, a distinguished au­ thor and statesman of France, has just published a book which he dedicates to his mother, who died many years ago. In his preface he tells the following stony: "The first time I published a book,-- it was fifty years ago!--I left Paris in all haste, the very day after the publi­ cation of the volume, to go to see my mother, and proudly threw down the book, my book, upon ber work-table. "She glanced at it. She saw my name on the cover in big capitals. " 'Did you,' she said, 'do^that V " "Yes, mother t' " 'Does it bring you in money?* " 'Oh, no, mother, no money at all.' " 'How stupid you are!' said she, quite softly, and quietly took up her sewing again." \ M. Simon, in spite of his Subsequent success, thinks that perhaps hrs mother was quite right in taking this practical view of the making of books. So, after fifty years, in which he has disrer aided her advice by publishing many books, and having reached the age of seventy- five years, he dedicates this book to his mother's memory, promising that it shall be his last.--Youth's Companion. Hn* Tramp Who l)idn*t €onie .F«rtfc. It was in a Wisconsin village, and imong the men in the office of the inn ifter supper was over was a man who bad just bnen elected constable. He was naturally aftxious to display his rigor as an officer, and so when a boy ;ame in and reported that he had seen » tramp enter an old barn on one of the oack streets the constable invited us to jjo along and see him "jerk thunder," ts he put it, out of the wayfarer. Half i dozen of us Accompanied him, and when we reached the bars it was to fiud ihe interior as black as pitch and no lantern in the crowd. We were for sending for one but the constable pro­ tested. "There is no occasion for a light. I will call upon him to come out, and he »ill como." He stood in the Open door, with the 3rowd behind him, and called in a loud voice: "Ho! there, you villain; come out and surrender to the law, and don't be over i minute about it, either!" There was no answer, although all of as heard some one moving about inside. "In the name of the law I order you to come out!" shouted the constable, but €he unknown didn't come. We again proposed to get a lantern ind then all go in to back the officer in collaring the man, but his official dan­ ger had now been aroused, and he re­ plied: "Everybody stand back against the fence! Now, then, I am going in alone, ind I forbid any of you to follow!" "He disappeared in the midnight dark­ ness of the interior, and for some time we could trace his progress as lie moved about. By and by we heard a grunt, followed by a stifled yell and a fall, and we uttered a hurrah under the supposi­ tion that he had got bis man. We ex- oected him to reappear at once, but he didn't, and after waiting a long five minutes, and shouting to him without receiving a reply, we sent for a lantern, md used it to light our way in. We found tbe constable lying on his back an the floor, his face covered with blood ind his nose as big as his fist, and just is we bent over him he opened his iyes and sat up. It was ten minutes .ater before he could expluin that the tramp had struck him a knock-down blow with his fist, and another ten on top of that before he he discovered that (lis watch and wallet and the tramp had eft the barn by the unguarded back floor. When this fact was known it ?eemed as if he ought to make a speech ar something, and he hauled off and kicked a fence board loose and growled: "Dog-gone my skin if I don't sell my­ self for a yaller jackass!" B• \ . Hellow! Hollowi. "A^Tashington," remarked Sir. Dundy, is he deposited his lieOl on his office lesk. "Washington is a good place to 2jo to, but a better place to stay away from. Viewed from the wilds of the West Washington is a dream, a vision of grace and beauty and eternal de­ light; at the capital city itself Washing­ ton is a startling reality. A stranger jo Americans and American life need go no further than Washington to learn much of the habits of Brother Jonathan's people and the uniqueness and variety of their existence. Within the limits of that city is crowded the representatives of all classes, colors, and conditions of people. The blooded and the impecuni­ ous American are gathered there; To the chronic resident of the capital city. Washington is the United States, an4 the balance of the republic is merely the suburbs of that place of rule. I had always entertained the impression that everybody in Washington was a sage, and that the very air was the;death of the unlearned. But I have learned that all is not gold that glitters; and that the nearer one comes to great men the smaller the great men appear. "Why, sir;" exclaimed Mr. Dundy,, bringing bis fist down upon the table, "the general public there has but little general and useful information. Out­ side of the Nebraska delegation I did not find Ja man who had ever heard of Falls City, but on the other hand I met many who had no idea where the place was. The ignorance of some of those people is actually exasperating. Com­ paratively few people knew Dave Mer­ er, and when I referred to Brad Slaughter a young Washington blood actually asked me who he was. In the endeavor to be cheerful I frequently al­ luded to 'Eighteenth and Farman,' but my Bailies of pleasantry fell like a wet rag upon the throngs, and some of the- guys actually stared at me. "And talk about horses! The things they call horses there are all right for dress parade, but for wear, durability and service I would not trade one Ne­ braska steed for twenty of the petted, pampered animals of Washington. No, £ could not be induced to exist in the mockery of life predominating at Wash­ ington. Rather do I prefer the practi­ cal prose of Western life than the Browning poetry of Eastern existence." --Omaha World-Herald. An Instance of Serve. Biedler, the famous Montana soont who recently died, was as intrepid as he was fertile of resource in danger. One time at Miles City he came out of the door of a saloon to ft rid himself within twenty inches of the muzzle of a 44- calibre revolver in the hand of a noted desperado on whose trail tbe dep­ uty-marshal had ofttimes camped. "I'm goin' to blow the innards out of your skull, you vigilante hound," quoth the bad man. "Not with that thing," said "X," (the sctmt's pseudonym) . in a conversational but semi-querulous tone. "It ain't cocked." The bad man threw up the pistol to see if Biedler was right, and made tbe mistake of a life which ended right there.--St. Paul Pioneer Pres* • Mo Equality* Enthusiastic Freeman--All CflSh Were created equal. Big Tough -- D'yer mean ter soy you're my equal! I kin handle a dozen like yer. Enthusiastic Freeman . (enthusiasm rapidly cooling)--I--I was only quoting Thomas Jefferson to •how what a fool he was."--New York Weekly. TeW by the Sewing Maciilne "Gentlemen," said the sewing* ma­ chine man. "one spring father and 1 had a sugar camp down in the edge of the grove. About half a mile from us was a corn field owned by a widow, and this widow never picked her coijn clean. On the other side was a man who owned a blind sow. She had one pig, and they used to go over into tliat cornfield every day to eat corn. Right in front of our camp was a creek. At one place about forty rods from our amp there was a tree felled across the ireek. This was the only place that the sow and pig could cross. Of course the sow could not see to cross on the log, so the way they used to do was for the old sow to take hold of the pig's tail and the pig would lead her across. Well, one day we were sitting in front of our camp when the old sow and pig were crossing that log. I said to father, 'Hand me the rifle and see me cut that pig's tail off;' I took aim and fired, cutting that little pig's tail off mack smooth. The pig ran for > the j corn field, but tho old sow Know which way to go. So i'a^Uer went over and took hold of the pig'a tail and lead the old sow eleair^ into camp."--Lewis ton Journal. •<; j • . They Both Advertised. A > "Did you notice my advertiseofieat ?^f. he politely said of a produce Michigan avenue. -V "No, sir." . ,• • "It is to the effect that the horlse which sold me six jwmnds of oleo. for real butter had better settle at once and save cost." "Ah! Did you see my ad. ?" "No, sir." "It is to the effect tnat a co- beat had better pay me for eggs two years ago, or the account placed in the hands of a lawyer.; "Hem!" " Hem ("--Detroit Free Press. J»rt What W« W«tp<l. Tjt. Amelia Edwards says that the Inhabitants of the east have a child­ like and bland manner of offering any sort of worthless article for said, pro­ testing, meanwhile, that it is a veri­ table treasure of antiquity. iOne mau, at Esnelt, brought her a coin which he declared he had found in the mounds outside the town, but which bore the familiar profile of George IY. It had evidently not occurred to the would-be seller that the coin could tell its own history. Another man offered for sale a glass button, of English make, and protested that he himself had found it on a mummy, in a certain tomb. Still another was p.elf-convicted of falsehood in the following amusing manner: A man came to my tent one day, bearing a string of more than, doubt­ ful scarabs, all veritable "anteekahs," of course, and all ^backed up by unde­ niable pedigrees. "JJo, no, briug me no more antee- kahs," I said, gravely; "they are all old and worn out, and they cost much money. Have you no imitation scarabs, new and serviceable, that one might wear without the fear of breaking them?" "These are imitations, O Sitt!" was the ready answer. , "But you told me a moment ago they were genuine anteekahs!" "That was because , I thought the Sitt wanted to buy anteekaha," he said, quite shamelessly. "S.eej, now," said I, "if you are cap­ able of selling new things for old, how can I be sure you would not sell me old things for new?" To this he replied by declaring that he had made the scarab himself. Then, fearing I should not believe him, he drew for me an asp, an ibis and some other hieroglyphic forms, with toler­ able dexterity. » "Now you believe?" he asked, in tri­ umph. "I see that you can make birds and snakes," I replied, but that neither proves that you can cut scarabs, nor that these scarabs are new." "Nay, Sitt!" he protested, "I made them with these hands. I made them but the other day. By Allah! They cannct be newer." Here Talliamy interposed. "In that case," he said, "they are too new, and will crack before a month is over. The Sitt would do better to buy some which are well seasoned," Our honest fellah touched his brow and breast. "Now in strict truth, O Dragoman!" he said, with an air of the most engag­ ing candor, "th^se scarabs were made at the time of the inundation. They are thoroughly seasoned. If they crack you shall denounce me to the governor, and I will eat stick "for them." Nothing could convince him tliat he was not performing a praiseworthy, ac­ tion in protesting that the things were whatever I wished to consider them.-- Exchange. Dwellers in Mud Houses* Most of the native dwellings around the city and throughout New Mexico are built of mud bricks, called "adobes." Mixing a little broken straw with the soil, rough blocks, about twice the size of ordinary bricks, ave moulded, dried in the sun, and piled np in the form of & wall, with spaces high up for a door and windows. After the wall is dry it is smeared over inside and out with a thin paste of earth and water, smoothed with the palms of the bands. The roof is formed of rough timbers covered with boards, on wluch is spread dry earth, to the depth of twelve inches or more. The intense beat of the sun speedily consolidates the mass, and rude gutters are mode to carry off tropical rains. Access is gained by a ladder, as the flat roof is used for drying fruit and grain, and for a lounging plaee tor the lamily. The rooms are gloomy, because the apertures serving for windows are very small. The earthen floors are covered with skins which, with blankets, fur­ nish the beds. The cooking ntensells are primitive, and the culinary art, suctb aCs it is, is practiced out of doors.. In nearly every house will be found a board a few inches square, on which is depicted a saint, or a group of saints,, usually in red or yellow; for intense colors are much admired, as in all lands of the sun.. This is seen also in the dress and in general, ornamentation. -- New York Journal. S Health Hints. Don't contradict your wife. Don't tell a man that he a stranger to the truth because he is- a smaller man than your­ self. Errorsi of this kind have been known to be disasterous. Never go to bed with cold or damp feet. Leave them beside the kitchen fire, where they will be handy to put on in tho morning. It is bad to lean your back against any­ thing cold, particular when it is an icy pavement,upon which your vertebral ar­ rangement has caromed with a jolt that shakes the buttons off your coat. Al­ ways eat your breakfast before beginning your journey. If you haven't any breakfast, don't journey. After violent exercise--like putting up the stoves or nailing down the carped--never ride around town in an open carriage. It is better to walk. It is also cheaper. When hoarse speak as little as possible. If you are not hoarse it won't do any harm to keep your mouth shut. Don't light the fire with kerosene. Let the hired girl do it. She hasn't any wife and children. You have. Don't roam about the house in your bare feet at the dead of night trying to pick up stray tacks. Men have been known to dislo­ cate their jaw through this bad practice. When you see a mau put the lighted end of a cigar in his month, don't ask him if it is hot enough. Serious injury has often resulted from this habit.-- Philadelphia Inquirer. yf •.fMym - - - < a. •X-nfs * ummm * - • - It Has Goue "Have yer suthin' ter say?" asked the leader of the band as they prepared to string up the mau they had. caught with the Captain's horse. "Yer shoutin' I am. , I want it put inter ther papers thet if my name is McAllister I ain't no blained tenderfoot and don't belong to no dude four hun­ dred." And having proved there was no blot an the family escutcheon he met his 'fat* like a true Texan. --Judge. Money Enoogb. Agent--Here is a book, every _ man ought to have--"Hints on Archi­ tecture." , Mr. Smallpurse --I have no use for it. "But, sir, it teaches you how to build % beautiful villa, a regular little palace, for only $5,000." "I haven't $5,000s. I haven't over $& my name.99 Well, the book is only $1 *-Ne» Weekly. is one gfiod thing about the he eye. Yon don t often see green. HOODS. wait--an overdue note. A BIO hat is no sign of a great held. TBE man who tore Iiis coat THINW rents are increasing. , A YouNa man writes to inquire, "Does a college education pay ?" No, it makes the old man pay. TEACHER Tommy, how is the earth divided? Tommy - Between them thafs got it and them that wants it ."I SHALL forbid Clarence to enter my house," said papa, sternly. "Would you break the boy's heart?" "No; I'd break his neck." ' TOMMY--Paw, what is 'senatorial courtesy? Mr. Figg--It means that no Senator is expected to ask another one what he paid for his seat. MES. H.--Maggie, where do you sup­ pose you will go to. if you tell eueh falsehoods? Maggie--Sure, ma'am, I don't care; I have frinds in ayther place. , - THE extreme of cordiality.--"Did they treat you cordially?" "Indeed, yes. Why, about midnight her father came to the head of the stairs and called < ('own to know if I wouldn' stay tor breakfast." HELPFUL WIFE--Why is it, my dear, that although you have so often been nominated for office, you have always been defeated? Defeated candidate, (gloomily)--I have always run on tax­ payers' tickets. "BY thunder, old fellow, what has happened to you shat you smile so all i the time? What is it so good?" "Oh, nothing at all, but you see one never knows nowadays but somebody may be photographing him." CHARLES--I adore you, Edith; but, alas, I am poor. However, I have a wealthy uncle, from whom I have ex- pec-- Edith (eagerly)--Is he married? Charles--No, darling? Edith--Then introduce me to him, there's a dear. DKC6 CLERK--I filled a prescription for a stranger last night for a dollar and ten cents, and now I find the dollar isa counterfeit. Proprietor--That's high­ way robbery again. Well, never mind; if the ten-cent piece U good we will make four cents on the sale. t - •NOT THIS YEAR. 1*he actor down to the footlights strode, " - ,;V And his strides they w-fcre immoiiae. And from his parted lipa there tiowAd ' A stream if eloquence. v i » . • • 1, m : Jl • •<. V3 4 «< \\ fa* m What caused the actor's head to spin ~ ' And his sight to leave him thereT Twas the blaze of the plumber's diamoud pttfe Which gleamed in an orchestra chair. SUPERINTENDENT of dry goods storfc-- ® So you are an applicant for the position. I waut some one who has had a good deal of experience in floor walking. Applicant--I h^ve speculated in Wall street for. twenty years. Superinten­ dent of dry goods store--You are en­ gaged. MRS. EINSTEIN---Vat vas de madder mid mine lieber Chakey? Nurse--He just swallowed de peny vat his Ungle Isaac gif 'im. Mrs. Einstein--Dat's vat gomes of bein' so mean. If he had beeii ifuiieruaji and gif him a nhpiendid silfer dollar, dis awful accidents wouldn't ever haf happened. WIFE (whose husband has explained to her the mysteries of poker)--It seems very simple. I suppose one can play as well as another. Husband-- No, there is a great difference in play­ ers. There's the man who can play poker, and there's the man who, thinks he can. The latter is the one who has to write a check. AN Irishman who is noted for being in scrapes was lately awaiting examina­ tion in the matter of a fight in the po­ lice court when there entered a digni­ fied young lawyer who had a case in court. "Hello," said the dignified young lawyer, "what are you doing here?" "I'd have you understand, sor, I do not practice 'in this court. I am a defindent." IN a magazine for the instruction of the feminine gender is an article en "What Girls Should Eat." Well, girls, when you go for a light supper after the play, with a seven-dollar-a-week clerk, don't order eatables which will cost $17. But, when your escort is a pencil-shover on a daily paper, why, girls, eat $70 worth, if possible, for they live but to make othefrs happy with their great wealth. • „ Surprised. ̂ The Mahometan's scorn of the logical outeome of his religion, which refuses to recognize their claim as human beings deserving of respeot. As they are of use to man, they are worth food and shelter, but they are not in the least entitled to standing room at his side. The Countess Cow- •per, in "A Month in Palestine," gives an instance, far more telling than any sermon, of this dreadful state of things I was told by a Christian in Cairo, that he was once walking with a well- to-do Mahometan, with whom he was ntimate, and who had often discussed with him the differing position of women in their respective sects. As they passed an old, veiled figure in the street, who shrank on one side out of their way, tbe follower of the Prophet delivered a passing, but well-directed kick at her. "There," said tbe Christian, "that is what I complain of; yon kick a woman as we should not kick even a dog." "That" said his companion, with a look of genuine astonishment, ^hy, that is only my mother!" « Ruin Impending. Jackson (whose financial credit is gone)--I tell you, Withertee, we are on the verge of a financial panic. Witherbee--Pshaw! What makes yo«l think that? Jackson (confidentially)--Well, sir,« Baglev and Roberts used to lend me small sums a year ago, but when I go to them nowadays for a five or ten, they tell me frankly that they haven't got it. Bagley and Roberts are two of our best business men, too. I tell you, sir, we're going to have a panic.-- Time. . Two Kinds of Children's Papers. * Little Dot--My papa has subscribed for Frogressive louth for me; comes every week. '* 4 Little Dick--I had it last year, but this year I told papa 1 wanted the Mother Goose Monthly instead. "Why, that's just baby talk, that's all thati<i." "Yes, but I have it all to myself any­ how. When Progressive Youth comes papa and mamma grab it and I don't catch a glance at it for a week."--New York Weekly. A SAUOATUCK, Mich., housekeeper discovered the other day that a fowl that she was dressing was supplied with two hearts and two livers, all perfectly formed. HE is a poor exonse of a men cannot convince his wife that he is % ' genius before marriage;' Afterwards-- ; but we'll let that pass. ... , ^ t > ^ >, <! "W - : y . r. •'ii * ..v; • Pi *